When He Attempts to Break Up With You

How to Spot Relationship Breakup to Make Up Signs

You have noticed that things have been very different in your relationship lately since the early days; he seems withdrawn, no longer interested in you, considers you a burden rather than a blessing, and other related issues have surfaced. He or you have been trying to be “adult” about this pending crisis and have had “the talk” the one where you or he says, “Maybe we need some space…” or “Maybe it would be best that we break up.” What this really means is, “Get ready for a bumpy ride” if you or he are not sure that this is the best decision for the both of you. Let’s review what the relationship “break up to make up” signs are that he may have already exhibited and how you may be reacting toward them.

Various conflicts have occurred in the relationship and rather than talk about the issues as they come up, he keeps a record of wrongs and then brings them up during conversations you initiate. He doesn’t bother to bring any issues to your attention until you may point out some problems you have with him. He isn’t interested in your feelings as much as he is bothered that you would be critical of him.

He tells you it’s not you but him. After soul searching about the events that have led up to yelling, rejection, and a loss of “feeling in love,” he wants out the relationship and takes responsibility for what he may have done to cause problems. You would be convinced if he wasn’t using this as a tactic to try to control the situation before it escalates.

He places blame on you for things out of your control. After you probe for details, he wants to say how you have changed since the new job, the pregnancy, the death of a loved one, or some other life changing event. How would he have reacted had the shoe been on the other foot?

He cries, yells and apologizes all within 24 hours of having the “maybe we should break up” conversation. He realizes what a break up means: finances change, relocation, cook, clean, run errands, childcare, and other tasks he really isn’t ready to face. Don’t be easily deceived by those tears, he isn’t just crying or yelling about you, he is upset about how this break up will impact his life. It is never easy to have to start all over again.

He agrees that maybe you both need space, then when you are ready to leave, he attempts to renegotiate. He may have not reacted at all during “the talk,” he may have acted very happy almost relieved. However, later when the reality hits him, suddenly he changes his mind. This isn’t like the movies; suddenly he understands you and things will get better, hardly, keep walking at this point. If he really loved you, he would have never had let it get this far.

He allows you to leave peacefully, but then calls you often or drops by your new place hoping that you won’t meet someone else while he “figures things out.” He sees you are managing well without him and now he wants to capitalize on your happiness, wealth, or maybe sit in your new recliner watching your new television. Once you have gotten to this stage in your life, you should be telling yourself, “There is not enough closet space for old baggage.”

He starts dating someone new or if he was cheating on you during the relationship, he speeds things up with this person only to find out the grass isn’t greener on the other side. You may have sent a message loud and clear that he will never have the opportunity to get you back, so he may quickly marry someone else --although drastic-- this rush to get married is his desperate attempt to avoid being alone. He may sleep around trying to get over you. He may even return to an ex in the hopes that he can experience that spark again he calls, "love." He may use any one of these temporary fixes to make it look like he made the right decision breaking up with you. You will know if he is sincerely happy breaking up with you if his new relationship has any longevity and he has completely left you alone.

He may not have anyone else he is interested in pursuing; instead, he is overwhelmed about his life and rather than state that, he brings up things you confided in him about your own life. This is his attempt to persuade you into believing that the break up would be good for you too. He may say, “You know you always wanted to achieve your dream, you will be able to do that without me in the way…”

He tells you how much he misses you, but isn’t willing to commit to you until you give him an ultimatum. Absence does make the heart grow fonder so the saying goes. You tell him what you expect if you recommit to the relationship and its all “yes” until you realize he hasn’t received any professionally counseling, obtained any medication for some health condition, or something else. Now you are back to square one, “the talk” leading to “break up to make up” all over again.

He realizes why he can or cannot live without you. He will either: pursue you with a marriage proposal, distance himself from you, get someone to talk to you about him, or if you are willing, he will drift in and out of your life for as long as you let him. Too many women allow this to happen and then they wonder why the men in their lives lose respect for them. (See my article, “Twelve Reasons Why Men or Women Don’t Respect You.”)

In the meantime while he is still trying to figure out his emotions and whether he should take back what he said about breaking up, you aren’t sure what to think, there may not be enough information he has given you to warrant a break up or no closure for you.

You try to figure out what you did to cause his feelings to change toward you. You think of how you met and all the events that occurred in between to lead up to a discussion about breaking up and you still can’t seem to rationalize where things went wrong or you do but you aren’t ready to face the truth.

You often find yourself defending your action or inaction in the relationship. When he criticized you for some things you did wrong in the relationship; rather than, agree with anything, you disagree with everything. Instead, there is an exchange of blame going back and forth between the two of you.

You are heartbroken that you are even considering that the two of you should spend time apart and try to reason why this would be good for the both of you. For some absence does make the heart grow fonder, but for others that is nothing more than a bad saying. When one is in love, they want to be together, not be apart.

You are confused that after you both decided to go your separate ways, he wants to reconsider. You may have spent money at this point reserving a moving truck, purchasing some plane tickets, or wrapping up loose ends and now he wants you back. You may not be welcoming his open arms at this point.

When you have finally left, you are annoyed, irritated, and at times angry he wants to keep up with your every move. You go through with your plans, hopefully about the future with or without him and then you start seeing him at places you two use to frequent, he stops by dropping something off frequently, he leaves messages on your phone, and he invites you to come over to his home. He is sending you all the signals that he has regretted making the decision to break up with you.

You find out after you leave that there was more to this separation than meets the eye and are further angered that he couldn’t be honest with you. Family and friends may have spotted him with someone else and reported back to you. He may be looking handsome with no traces that he was ever heartbroken about the break up. You become jealous and want to look and feel your best too—out comes the new hair cut and color, makeup, painted nails, and new wardrobe!

You decide that you have had enough of his “I love you” signs and give him an ultimatum. You want him to either accept you or not. Marry you or not, stop cheating or else, quit drinking or say goodbye forever, whatever your request the end result: you want to see some positive changes made.

You either come out of this “break up to make up” romance a winner if you get what you want, or a loser if he gets what he wants. For some men, they just want to play the field so if you have reopened your heart and now your door, he will come and go anytime he feels like it.

By Nicholl McGuire