Friday

5 Things You Must Know About Relationships

If there was any relationship I must give to my audience on this blog this day, it is the following, read slowly and take heed, because it just might give you a forecast into what the future holds for you and your mate based on what you already know about your relationship.  Enjoy!

1.  Just because you have him/her doesn't mean you really have him/her.

It might seem as if the person is yours and only yours, but he or she is not.  The complexity of being a human being is comprised of many parts and you don't own any of them.  The spirit is meant to be shared not controlled.  The best thing you can do for love is let it breathe!

2.  Your independence eventually goes on sabbatical.

You may have thought that there is your world, his/her world, and together, but the longer you are in a relationship with someone, the more dependent it becomes.  If your independence means that much to you, remain single.  Otherwise face years of sorrow trying to find an independent you in something that in time matures into dependence.

3.  The past will come back to haunt you, him/her or both.

One day something will show up that you don't like from yesteryear.  Your choice: make a big deal about it, let it roll off your back, or reason like an adult and forgive.

4.  There will always be at least one who will speak up for good reason about the condition of your relationship, listen!

Whether you tell everyone about your partnership or not, (which you really shouldn't share all the details about it) the wise voice will speak that cutting truth that you don't want to face because you rather see all that is right with your partner.  Before you take offense to truth speaking, look around and see things for what they are.  Think about the future.  Save yourself some heartache and make necessary changes.

5.  Every challenge is all temporary in relationships--good, bad and ugly.  They only stick around unless you keep them around.

From a woman being beaten to a pulp to a man losing his mind for a woman, drama only lasts for awhile, but it will come to an end.  Now how long it stays, well that is all determined by you, now isn't it?

Keep your head up, your heart protected, and your feet walking when a devil of a man or woman shows up! 

Nicholl McGuire

Wednesday

What You Need to Know About Relocating after a Relationship Break Up

You have made the decision to end a relationship and now the time has come to prepare to move out of the residence that you and your former partner have shared.  Now if you will be moving in with someone else, you want to be sure you are not bringing any of your drama to that person’s home.  If you plan to get your own place, then you will need to be sure that you have enough money to support yourself for the long haul, so that you don’t later find yourself back at home with the ex, not for love, but because you have nowhere else to go.

One.  Take the time to begin to take your name off of all joint accounts, bills, insurance, etc.

Never leave business unattended to or assume your partner cares enough about you that he or she will handle your matters.  You have broken up with this person and most likely said or did some things that offended him or her, so be sure your name is cleared off of all documentation.  For instance, if the phone and other utilities are in your name, disconnect them.  It will be up to he or she, to get them turned on.  Don’t have pity on them or enter into agreements to keep things on in your name or believe promises that he or she will pay bills, most likely these issues will become problems for you later and unfortunately ruin your name with creditors.

Two.  Communicate with your partner about your needs.

You will need to discuss anything that may be beyond your control.  This means that if there is some business that he or she has access to and you don’t, you will need to communicate whatever your concern.  If he or she is acting unreasonable, consider consulting a legal service to help you. 

Three.  Be sure you have packed up all your keepsakes and memorabilia.

It is better to have these items moved out and in a safe place the sooner the better.  The longer your items remain in the shared location, the more likely someone will be tempted to want to take or destroy them.

Four.  Avoid talking to his or her relatives about your concerns unless you have a business partnership with his or her people.

There is no reason to get his or her family involved unless you have business with them.  The more people you get involved, the uglier the situation will get.  Make a clean, gossip free break!

Five.  Start making arrangements to have your mail sent elsewhere.

You will want to immediately put a stop to all of your mail.  If you have a new address, have your mail forwarded and change your address directly with each business.  In this way, your partner has no excuse to get in contact with you about your mail.

Six.  Talk with your landlord about your new arrangement.  Put your request to move in writing.

If you haven’t signed a rental lease with this person, then you don’t have to get in contact with the landlord, but if you did, then most likely you will have to wait until your lease date is up to request a move (unless you can provide something like a police report or something else that shows that you can no longer live there.) 

Now if you can reach a compromise with your former partner, you can contact your landlord to request your name be removed from the lease.  He or she will most likely want to meet with your former partner to ensure that he or she is taking over the lease without you.  In some cases, the primary leaseholder or co-signer will not income qualify to take on the lease exclusively.  If this should happen to you, then your name will remain on the lease until the contract expires.  If this should happen and you still move, you will just need to hope and pray that your former partner doesn’t skip out on rent or do anything to the apartment that will mess up both of your names.

Seven.  Consider that if you move, you will lose some of the furniture, security deposit, and other things you may have contributed.

Once you’re gone, your stuff is gone too!  So don’t assume that your partner will do the right thing and give you what is due you.  You can either fight with him or her about your stuff, take it with you on moving day, hope that he or she has a change of heart and just gives you your stuff, or forget about all of it and give yourself a worry-free new start in life.

Eight.  Be prepared to go to court if you should take anything that doesn’t belong to you, leave your partner with a bill that you agreed to pay, or decide to take or leave any children you may have had with this person.

If you thought that you could just walk out the door and leave all responsibilities behind, think again!  Disgruntled partners will attempt to make life difficult for you.  So if you want to get a jumpstart on the future drama, start documenting everything, taking photographs, recording conversations, and whatever else that could possibly help you in the future if you should be sued.

Nine.  Don’t assume that your partner will always act cordial or always act mean.  People do change, at least temporarily, especially if they see benefits.

It may be a difficult time or simply a breeze breaking up, but remember things can change.  She may be okay with your moving out today, but later turn crazy with grief.  He may seem to be managing well, but secretly ready to orchestrate a campaign to get back at you.  The best thing you can do with someone who is unpredictable is live your life.  Move away, don’t go where they are, avoid the telephone, and find some peace of mind until you are no longer weak to their emotional up and downswings toward you.

Ten.  Share with your family your plans only after you have saved enough money prepared your move and have a clear view of what your immediate future looks like.

Prematurely telling your family anything may backfire especially if they like your former girl or boyfriend.  So make sure that you are serious about your breakup.  Sometimes family will not support a relative after a breakup especially when he or she is indecisive about his or her life decisions.  Relationships are like roller-coasters and not everyone likes to ride on one.      

Tuesday

25 Plus Dates, 7 Rings, 5 Engagements, 2 Promises, 2 Marriages and 1 Divorce

Since I was thirteen years old, I have been serious about "boys."  The seeds were sown when I was about 11 during the summer of 1986 (could have been a little sooner).  That year I was a soap opera watching fool!  I absorbed the dramas and followed along with several didn't story lines per show.  Back then shows I watched were:  Young and the Restless, Another World, Guiding Light, Days of Our Lives, Bold and the Beautiful, and others that were short-lived.  Then there were the evening dramas Knots Landing, Falcon Crest, and Dallas.  There was always a favorite couple, a troubled sibling, a crazed ex, a power hungry, money driven old fool, and so on. 

I learned much from watching TV about making out, what love was and what it wasn't, how men romance women, obsession, break up, adultery, and greed.  I began to take my thoughts about those subjects and compare them to the real world.  It wasn't that different!  From family to school friends, there was always someone in the group whose life seemed to parallel a character on an invented television show.  These soap operas had story-lines very similar to those nowadays in reality shows.  Women would fight, get drunk, lie, cheat, and parade around in expensive looking clothes, handbags, and shoes.  Men would creep around in the background doing what they liked to do best have their way with this one and that one!  So with a rich background of drama, what would happen later in my life?  The same things that played out between those social classes on TV.

After receiving much television programming about relationships, I began to feel like things were changing in my body at 11.  Irritable, moody and a sprouting body that was often sore, I started fantasizing about sex.  There were other feelings far beyond that age, but for purposes of this article, I won't get into early childhood.  During the 80s, I do recall when two 17 year old boys took notice of me in a way that was similar to what I saw on television.  One dark skin black boy would strategically go outside practicing Karate chops and kicks when he knew I was outside.  The fair skin black boy quite boldly showed up at the porch I use to sit and write stories with whispers of wanting to be my boyfriend.  He would write a letter, drop it off, and hope that he didn't get caught by my grandmother.  This was only the start of what was to come later.  I wasn't that interested in older boys, but found one particular boy at my school, when I was age 12, worth getting to know.  However, I manage to get out of that three year relationship before having sex with him.  Somehow I managed to have self-control until I turned 15.  The many hours of sexy programming, listening to R&B music for hours a day, and the attention I received from boys had took it's toll, when the opportunity came to act like those damsels in the soaps with a 17 year old boy, I jumped at the chance.

Little did I know that I was setting myself up for years of roller coaster romances and heartbreaks due to so much sexy programming.  I had been faithful for a time in a few relationships, but when I felt like things were taking an ugly turn, my own player mentality would surface and I would become like the guy I suspected would be cheating on me, "Two could play that game," I would reason.  Once again, I was headed down a path that wasn't good for the soul.  There was no appreciation for God and wisdom as I grew older.  Although I had just two serious boyfriends during junior high, high school and part of my college years (late 80s and early to mid-90s), once I became a somewhat mature adult, there would be nothing more than friends on dates and friends with benefits for a short-time in my life.  Out of 25 plus dates, most of which took place during 95-96,  I would wear seven rings in my lifetime, and out of that group, there were five proposals to marry.  The other two were promise rings.  I refer to my 20s as the terrible 20s, because I just didn't have a handle on my emotions when it came to being with one person for an extended length of time.  I really didn't want to marry, have children, or anything like that.  I saw enough both on and off the television screen and that lifestyle just didn't seem feasible for me.

Eventually, after a year of celibacy with a personal relationship with Christ--which was very much needed after a period of domestic violence, I got my act together long enough to say, "Yes" to someone who was older than me and this time I actually went all the way to the Justice of the Peace.   I had my reservations about that marriage--the guy wasn't much different than others before him, but I honestly felt I needed to slow down and when I did I became pregnant.  After taking off blinders and distancing the core of who I am from distractions, I noticed some things about myself in that marriage that I didn't like.  I had to center myself once again after our second child was born.  I began to see the man I had married in a different light.  Prior to marriage, I had established boundaries and for years I had repeatedly forgave this person on the deal-breakers--things that I knew was just plain wrong and I knew that no matter how nice he acted toward me, my heart was only growing colder toward him. I just couldn't keep convincing myself I loved a cheating, lying man--the type who was very much like a character from one of those soaps I had watched during childhood.  So I divorced him.  Almost 10 years later, I would marry again.  To date, I am still learning and growing in this marriage.  I wouldn't say that he is like any character I ever watched on TV--he's different. 

In closing, I would have to say that no matter how much experience you have when it comes to dating, relationships, and break ups, there will always be something more to learn about self and others.  Taking that much needed time out whether in or out of a relationship, just might save you some years of potential heartbreak.  You will always find out more about yourself in every date/relationship.  You may discover that you don't like the person you have become since a new person has walked into your life.  I will tell you that if you don't see an improvement in who you are and you seem to be going backward, rather than forward since being with that person, evaluate whether he or she is worth keeping around.  Frequent disputes/fighting, private thoughts of wanting to get out or hating a mate, and constant bad-mouthing him or her to others, are just a few signs you have fallen out of love with that person.

Nicholl McGuire

Thursday

Beware of The Verbally Abusive Man... Hiding in Plain Sight


You're a Light Sleeper, He Snores -- A Lack of Sleep will Affect Your Relationship

Are you often irritable, moody, and ready to sleep in any room but the one you sleep in with your mate?  It happens.  A date enjoys the company of her mate until he sleeps over.  The sound that comes from his nose and mouth are terrible!  She tries suffocating the annoying sound by placing a pillow over her ears, bumping him in the bed, using headphones, etc.  She suggests every snoring aid known to man and none seem to work.  What is the purpose of such an awful sound coming from what appears to be a gentleman?  What demon lurks within that keeps up noise throughout the night?  He's not a cave man or a devil!  He doesn't need to scare away the lions, tigers, and bears as he sleeps!  What gives!?

For many women as the relationship grows older, they get use to their partners' snoring, but when things are relatively new, it takes time.  Talking about the issue will bring awareness, but it won't make change happen overnight.  Frequent reminders and quite possibly repeated nights of rejection to a mate's requests to sleepover, might cause him to do more about his situation.  Light sleepers and snorers will have issues.  Many couples are unaware that some of their relationship challenges are due to a lack of sleep.  A well-rested, mentally stable individual is not going to just go off, but one who hasn't slept well in days, weeks or even months will!  A light sleeper isn't going to yell or act crazy for no good reason.  Consider what is going on or not going on throughout the night.  Someone needs some sleep and a snoring partner isn't always going to understand.  He too, might experience his share of tiredness, because the loud noises that come from him will affect how well he rests through the night as well.

If the issue of lack of sleep, snoring or any other noise through the night isn't addressed in the relationship, it will only make matters worse.  In a situation like this, don't attack the individual, attack the problem.

Things you can do to possibly alleviate the problem:

1.  Set up a separate room for sleeping.

2.  Research for aids that have been known to help snorers.  Read reviews.

3.  Make a doctor's appointment.

4.  Lose the weight.

5.  Don't go to bed at the same time.  Light sleeper goes to bed first, snorer comes to bed later.

6.  Live separately.

7. Change work schedules. (ie. He works graveyard shift and she works day shift).

God bless.

Nicholl McGuire 

Verbal & Emotional Abuse - What victims hear from their abuser


Friday

Valentine's Day Promise

Couples not fighting
about Facebook sightings
together they are
under dim lighting.

Making promises to be true,
pledging to do The Do.

But reality will be here tomorrow
and someone will experience sorrow.

Reflecting on a night,
when there was no fight.

Told to make good on what was said,
words sealed up on top of a bed.

Old arguments return,
relationship set to burn.

A lover loses memory,
doesn't recall.
Willing to take yet another fall.

Nothing is new,
there is no, "I love you too."

Unforgiveness looms,
no jumping a broom.

Until one knows what he or she
wants to do, there will be no one
saying, "I do."

Nicholl McGuire


Saturday

When Dating a Man with Midlife Issues...

He left his wife.  He broke up with a long time girlfriend.  He bought a fancy car.  He spends his money frivolously.  He appears hot for many women and cold with the one who he claims to love the most (which he only met a few months ago).  He shares sob stories that pull on the heart strings of those who he wants to impress.  He is nice in public, but rude privately.  He doesn't take much interest in his children's lives unless they make him look good in some way.

You may have met him or you just might one day.  Someone in your circle may have warned you that this person is not worth dating long-term and "he is too old for you!"  The mature man may have shared what his issues are with different individuals closest to him while closing his eyes and ears to their wisdom.  If you should enter his life, you are a fountain of youth for a time, but how long you stay, well you might want to be watchful and plan accordingly--hopefully before children, marriage, joint investments, etc. these issues only further complicate matters.

You can't save a midlife man, so don't try.  But how do you know that he is having a mid-life crisis of some kind?

1.  He covers up his feelings while asking you many questions about you.

2.  He changes past events especially those dealing with break ups so as to appear like he is a victim.

3.  He isn't forthcoming about intimacy issues.  You usually find out after having repeated sex.

4.  He brags about his haves ie.) job, car, house, etc.

5.  He hopes to find someone to help him obtain his have-nots--dropping hints that he needs your assistance with his dreams/goals.  "Your so young, energetic...you could possibly help me with..."

6.  He lies about mental and physical challenges.  "I am in good health...like a 20 year old!"

7.  He may appear like he has a faith when in fact he rarely trusts in God to save him.

8.  He starts acting violently.

9.  He pursues many interests (rarely sticks to any of them) or none at all.

10.  He loses interests in things he once enjoyed ie.) travel and sex.

Avoid the mood swings, the cover ups/lies, and even the unresolved issues of a midlife man's past defeats with partner, children, job, etc.  Midlife men who are still going through a myriad of changes will place blame on everyone else but themselves.  They will somehow believe that others are the cause as to why they can't get ahead, can't do better, stay in a relationship, etc. when the truth is a hormonal man, like a hormonal woman, is his own worst enemy.

Nicholl McGuire also writes at Tips Dating Older, Younger.

She's Crazy by Nicholl McGuire

She's Crazy by Nicholl McGuire
Dating or married to an angry woman?
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