How to Communicate Concerns to Your Partner

He didn’t want to tell her the truth for fear she might not want to be in his life anymore. She didn’t want to tell him the truth for fear he might tell someone in his family about her secret. People seem to reason that not telling something that has happened to them or that they witnessed is the only right way and it’s just better that no one finds out. The problem is people do find out! Whether it is through a casual conversation or a little detective work, someone seems to either find out or come real close to finding out. Why should we be open with those closest to us with our secrets? Why not keep them in the dark? We don’t want to be ridiculed, abused, or beat over the head with what we finally confess? Of course not, that is why we don’t tell, cover up, or blatantly lie. However, when we do too much of this it begins to affect what could have been a happy relationship, what could have been a long term career opportunity, and what could have been a blessing in disguise.

We need to consider the weight of what we know. How many people will it impact if we spill the beans? Will we benefit in some way such as having peace of mind now that we have confessed? Is it worth telling and hearing the person’s reaction to what we have just told them? It all depends on the following: how you explain your secret such as what details you provide, the time and location you decide to tell the secret, and whether you have the courage to handle the situation if it gets out of hand. When people who reveal secrets tend to get in trouble it’s usually because they have left out important facts, decided not to volunteer information, and fudged the truth to avoid putting themselves in more hot water. Sometimes people who reveal secrets also have a habit of talking too much and providing far too many details than the hearer can handle. So how does one balance the details out? He or she must first take time to interview the person before he or she reveals the truth. The person who wants to come clean must think about how their loved one or friend has reacted in the past when others may have told him or her some bad news.

To help you expose your hidden secret or just share some simple facts about your day, here’s what you need to do. Answer the following: who, what, when, where, why, and how? (The five Ws and the H.) If you provide the information on the subject matter before you are asked, you may come out smelling like roses because of four things: you took the time to tell the truth, you shared a part of you, you put your partner at ease, and you apologized for wrongdoing. Will the person be emotional it all depends, but you can’t control how they feel about what you have told them. All you can do is put the information out there and let them deal with it in their own way even if it means that they may not want you to be in their presence. However, if someone has to sit back and wait for you to say something, interrogate you, set traps, and orchestrate other plans to get you to talk, then most likely they will become angry and if this occurs with a person in authority such as a boss you might be written up or lose your job because he or she had to work too hard to get to the truth which would make any one mentally exhausted!

We have been learning right from wrong since we were children. For men, who may want to reveal a secret to their partner involving another woman, you know that your girlfriend or wife didn’t just become insecure overnight it was a process that you helped create. Think of all the times you came home knowing that you saw an ex, had a conversation with her over the phone, through text or email, even had lunch or dinner with a female without your partner knowing and never said one word unless she asked you and even then some of you lied. You may have acted innocently, but because you said nothing you are guilty in your partner’s eyes. You may reason, “Well I didn’t want to say anything because she would have been talking about it all night and then she would have brought up the past and I didn’t want to hear it.” Consider this, which do you want one night of tension or days, weeks, or even months of a woman walking around suspecting you of cheating? As I have told many of my male readers in the past, “The best way to make a woman feel secure is to tell her everything before she asks you anything.”

So should everything be said? No. You shouldn’t be sharing anything but the facts. You will most often get in trouble if you start sharing personal opinions and feelings. For instance, if you say, “I need to talk to you about an incident that happened at work with a woman.” Don’t add details like “she had long brown hair, a nice waistline, and eyes like yours.” Information like that will only heighten a women’s instinct to want to fight not listen. Share what happened and how you dealt with it. The most important thing she needs to know in any story you give her is “What did you do?” A man who sincerely loves and respects his woman will not encourage another woman to “Call me anytime. If you need anything you know I will help you.” When you say things like that, you are letting a woman know she can count on you and in time she will be back to test you! And when that happens, what will you do behave quietly, lie, or avoid talking to your partner? Do what you can to keep yourself out of trouble with your partner, so that you won’t have any more secrets to reveal.

Women when you are talking to your man about something that happened in the past, avoid the temptation to compare him to an ex. He doesn’t want to hear how he reminds you of Bill, and he looks a little like Peter. What he wants to know is the bottom line, “What did you do?” Based on what you say will determine whether he considers the event that important. However, keep in mind you can make what he considers “not that important” as extremely important if you start telling him details about how the guy made you feel and what you think about his family and the plans you both had for the future. A man doesn’t want to hear all of that!

There are things that you may want to reveal to your partner, relative, friend, or boss that have nothing to do with relationship topics, but have everything to do with money, business, children, and other similar issues. When you choose to share what happened, be sure you are not jumping around and being confusing when giving information. If you need to write out what you are going to say before you say it, do it. The last thing you want to do is share your personal story in a way that makes the listener come away feeling that you are a crazy, delusional, and a confused individual.

When the time comes to share a story that you know your partner will find interesting and may affect your relationship, be sure that you are answering the five Ws and the H as mentioned earlier. Remember to leave the visual imagery out of the story, your opinion, and your feelings. Your partner may bring the story back up again, if so, be a good listener and try not to encourage the conversation if you don’t feel like talking about it.


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