Why Do People Go Back to One Another After a Break Up?

About nine years ago, I was curious as to why people go back to one another after a break up.  I had noticed this pattern after a few honeymoon periods between victims and their abusive partners (as well as myself--thank God I have been free for over 20 years now) and men who I dated who were still thinking about and sexing the so-called ex.

The answer to that question provided results that were, too put it plainly, common sense, but didn't make the reasons right, good or altogether true.  The answers from real people with real life experience can be found in the discussion I started here: Why People Go Back to One Another

"Why are they back together, why?"


Ms. Online Date Turns Into Another Bad Mate - Dating

You might be angry with yourself for all the times you believed that your companion was into you when the truth could be she pretended like she enjoyed everything you were into. You see this now, but you didn't back when you were having a good time with her. It doesn't help matters when we persuade people to go along with doing things that we know they just aren't into or we appease them just to make them smile while we hurt within. Yet, inside you are thinking, "I don't like any of this! The things we do for love!"

Once again, you spoiled the woman or maybe she ruined you by doing everything you wanted. She went along with your selection of places to eat; exaggerated how good you were at doing something, your pick in a movie selection, or what you do for others.

Too much of the actress can be unnerving, so you pull back and you want time alone or you want to go places without someone in the passenger seat. She probably gave you hell for speaking up for yourself and leaving her at home sometimes. You might still be mad about those times you permitted your woman to "go off" on you for not answering your phone when she called as well as things you said that you really didn't mean to upset her, but she took what you said and ran with it and didn't let you live it down.

After an explosive incident, you began to cater to her while apologizing and promising you wouldn't do or say those mean things again. "Whatever you want Honey, I still love you. We are going to make it--just me and you!" you probably said something like this and so she wins and you lose. She rides in the car, attends every event, and tells you where to go if you leave her out again. But you are human, you made mistakes and she is still "tripping" as one man described the way his insecure girlfriend acts over the littlest of things.

Ms. Insecure will remind you of everyone who has hurt her and why she doesn't like, trust, or want to be around certain people or all people, "Because I always get hurt in the end," she claims. How about the truth is, she is often hurting others first--the kill or be killed philosophy is one of many beliefs she carries, "I will do that one in before he gets to me!" Most likely, she has broken up with you a thousand times in her mind, compared to the few times the thought of breaking up with her crossed your mind.

Things Get Personal with Ms. Extremely Insecure

After realizing once again that Ms. Extremely Insecure was over-the-top when she slashed her man's tires, threatened to hurt someone in his family, and did some other things to make a point, she wanted to apologize for all the wrong she did. I saw Ms. Extremely Insecure and crazy woman when I was a child. She looked me in the face with those demonic eyes that made my stomach shake; I had been forewarned that if she came around to go into the house, but not before I listened to what she had to say.

Ms. Extremely Insecure told me all she wanted to do was talk with my uncle and that he hadn't been returning her phone calls. I said nothing; I didn't believe that was all she wanted to do. I became nervous and went into the house. I told an adult she was outside. By the time my relative went to the door, she was gone. I learned later she had broken into his apartment and helped herself to his bed. She was naked and had been waiting on him for hours! He never showed, but another relative did and ran that crazy woman out of his home. Some nutty people have enough sense in their minds to know when they have done wrong, but when someone goes from hot-tempered to relatively calm in sixty seconds you can't help but watch your back. There was something not right that day with the woman who smiled back at me.

"There is no one else better than me...I am all he has...Where would he be if it wasn't for me?" a wife/mother/mistress preaches. A woman like this will also say, "There is no relationship like mine...Those other couples have issues, I don't believe they are in love as much as they say. I don't believe he makes that kind of money. Surely, her home isn't as nice as she claims." Ms. Insecure is going to pull you into a conversation that you really don't need to have with her, but because you don't want to end up hearing her mouth for the next hour and a half, you will go along with whatever she says. "Yes Babe...Okay Honey. You're right," you might respond.

From attending sporting events to watching her favorite team on television, the temperamental woman doesn't like to lose. She is not in good spirits if she or someone she knows loses a game. "What a fool! That's why I hate that coach...What the...? Why do I bother to play on this team?" Throwing things, cursing, and ready to fight over a game she isn't even getting paid to play. As long as you listen and don't provide advice and/or act critical of her behavior, she probably won't redirect her anger onto you. Yet, say the wrong thing and she is going to let you have it!

Excerpt taken from She's Crazy a book for emotionally and/or physically abused men by Nicholl McGuire.


Things are Never the Same - After First Episode of Abuse

Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate: Things are Never the Same - First Insult, Slap, Ki...: You don't understand how did we go from talking about something so simple to blowing up.  Two people had personal qualms with the other...

On Defending Dysfunctional Family Members and Friends

If you aren't too careful, defending your dear mother, father and other relatives and friends when your partner brings up issues more than a few times just might cost you your relationship. Is it really worth it? Many people ended up in divorce court because selfish, manipulative and controlling relatives put just enough pressure on their relationships to send them there.


It's Okay Not to Like Your Partner Sometimes

Where in the rulebook does it say you have to like your partner all the time?  Don't beat yourself up about your personal feelings or let others who may have observed your mood change to guilt you.  When a mate isn't giving you much reason to like or even love him or her lately it's okay.  Simply find ways to either rekindle positive emotions, communicate concerns, distance yourself for a time (absence makes the heart grow fonder), or use the quiet and space to grow from this difficult season and redirect your attention on the things that matter in your own life rather than pay so much attention on him or her. 

Most mature couples reconcile gradually, but those that are seriously thinking about separating or divorcing, they usually never connect in the way they once did.  Sex is a mere bandaid for them, and doesn't satisfy emotionally.  Check yourself, think about what your partner may be going through, and say a prayer for you both.


Interracial Misfits, Dating

With the rise of black men dating white women, just a friendly reminder, just because someone is white doesn't make them right and once you go black, you can always go back to what you know. 

If you listen to how some black men down their mothers, exes, and more and white women talk about white men on places like YouTube, you can't help but think that hate is what they are advocating.  Some of the more popular channels are most likely paid or encouraged to continue to broadcast stupidity. 

Interracial relationships are challenging enough, but when you are in a relationship with someone who promotes self-hatred, has low self-esteem, or has a misogynist mindset, whether he or she is indirect or direct with personal offenses, it is only a matter of time that the self-hating, smiling white woman or black man will turn on one another (and others) like snakes.  This is also true with other mixed couples like: Latino and Caucasian, Asian and Caucasian, and so on. 

Running to a different ethnicity in the hopes that there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is nothing more than a myth and a wish.  All people of all races, sexualities, genders, etc. have ISSUES!  I tend to think that the push for interracial dating during recent years especially between white women and black men is systematic and is designed to create more of a mixed race for obvious reasons such as: raise intelligence, create more of a seemingly attractive or unique appearance, challenge culture, increase the populace, etc.  Some groups have researched, reviewed studies and know what the benefits are when race mixing and probably spent much time watching bi-racial President Barak Obama.  Evidently the results were intense, because the push is everywhere!

As much as we think our dating preferences are exclusively our own, there are various manufactured programs specifically created to change humanity, thinking and traditions as we have known them to be.  However, one must be aware that simply promoting interracial relationships is not good enough.  There are personalities, upbringing, past experiences, social class, education, culture, and more to consider.  Of course not every person is dysfunctional in these relationships, but there are a lot who do have issues that can't be overlooked and are emotionally and physically draining to listen to such as:  stories of repeated rejection by parents and those one might have admired, child abuse, racism, etc. like in any other relationship. 

One should not ever think that an ethnicity as a whole is far superior than another; therefore, "I will date the white man because he has...I will start seeing white women because they will give me...I heard that black guys got...or I need an Asian lady because I heard she will treat me better."  Keep in mind, there are those who have a few screws loose in every group and this is why some people can't and won't date some of these self-hating individuals in their own race.  Interview mental health professionals, relatives and former partners and they just might share a story or two about how a troubled individual always had issues with the way they looked or felt ostracized or couldn't fit in, struggled with mental illness, was abused or abandoned as a child, etc. and why they aren't surprised that they chose to date exclusively this ethnicity or that one. 

So if one's own race doesn't bother or put up with them or they can't seem to get along with people who look like them, then what makes you, me or anyone else think for one minute that we won't be affected sooner or later by a partner's self-hating or past issues?  I have personally experienced the dark and light skin challenges despite being the same ethnicity.  The truth is, like with most relationships, dating interracially doesn't solve old wounds, if anything, it amplifies them.

When one dates or chooses to marry, do look beyond skin tone.  There is more than meets the eye.

Check out She's Crazy a book written for men in relationships abused by girlfriends or wives.  If you are a woman in an abusive relationship, do check out Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.

Nicholl McGuire


One Piece of New Relationship Advice

It's not what a lover does that makes him or her so special.  There are plenty of great actors out there. 
Ask yourself, "What am I willing to put up with after the niceties begin to fade?" -- Nicholl McGuire


Are You Thinking About Divorce Alot?

You didn't think it would ever come to this, thoughts of breaking up, but considering recent events, you are about ready to call it quits.  Do you really want this?  See here: Divorce

She's Crazy by Nicholl McGuire

She's Crazy by Nicholl McGuire
Dating or married to an angry woman?
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