Tuesday

Why People Cheat

Relationships are like the children’s story about Goldilocks and the Three Bears; everyone is like Goldilocks searching for a bed that is just right, not too hard and not too soft. We all have had our experiences with cheating whether we have been the cheater or the all-knowing or unsuspected victim. Most people who want to know why people cheat are usually clueless as to the many mental illnesses associated with cheating; for instance bipolar disorder. They also forget that cheating can also come from what one has learned as a child from watching those around them deal with relationships. In addition, there is the widely held belief that cheating comes from things we do in the relationship that cause one to say, “I can do better with someone else.”

Cheating robs you of your mind, body, and soul. One day you are thinking this man or woman is all yours and you are reveling in the wonderful ways he or she makes you feel and then as the days, grow into weeks, and the weeks turn into years, you find yourself wondering why is this person acting differently toward you? Some cheaters say they cheat because they get bored in the relationship, others say they just can’t stay committed, and then those who are self-centered say, “I do it because he doesn’t give me what I want. She doesn’t make me feel as good as the other one does.” Whatever the reason, cheating is cruel and when one knows that he or she has a problem with staying committed and has a long history of hurting people because of it, he or she should get help.

Cheating kills family relationships, causes disease, corrodes trust, cost too much money, and contributes to the breakdown of morals. How can one teach their child not to steal, lie, or kill when he or she is stealing another person’s spouse, lying about their whereabouts, and killing their family? The cheater will quickly argue, but you don’t understand. We can all relate to the times our partners have said or did something to make us wish that we had never met them, but does that give us an excuse to cheat on them? One will reason that he or she doesn’t love the person they are seeing, that their spouse is most likely cheating on them, and so on. However, would two wrongs make the reason for cheating right? Of course not, does that mean your partner will suddenly be the man or woman you always wanted, because you cheated on them? Not hardly.

Most cheaters never planned on cheating “it just happened” as some will say. Well we all know that nothing in this life just happens, behind everything there is a process, a plan, a designer, no matter how chaotic. He or she allowed him or herself to be led down the path to cheat and although this person may not have planned it that way subconsciously someone wanted something to happen. He or she spent more time consulting with the guy or girl at work, in the neighborhood or at the gym about their relationship ills then they did talking about their issues with their mate. He or she may reason, “Well she doesn’t understand me.” It’s up to you to make her understand you. This person may have gone out on far too many lunch dates then they should. He or she may have often kept in contact with one another via email, phone or both. They are more personal than professional and often put themselves in situations that will make it challenging for them to say no to temptation. Most importantly, they allowed this person to rule their minds with their sweet words, attractive physique, and anything else that caused them to wish that their partner was more like so and so.

Cheating can be prevented if one sincerely wants to fight the temptation; however, if they want to be lead by: the stare, sweet words, warm sensation over the body, tingling between the legs, the invite for a bite to eat, the desire to help the damsel in distress and all the other things that lead to the path to cheat then they ought to be prepared for the consequences. Their partner is not going to sit idly by and just allow things to just happen or keep happening; he or she will make the cheater’s life very difficult. Cheaters everywhere should be advised that there is a high price to pay. From losing your partner who is the mother or father of your children to losing all your assets, there are many famous and not-so famous people that are wallowing in regret. The “if onlys” in life are plaguing their minds as you read this. “If only I hadn’t cheated…If only I would have kept walking…If only had I said no…” The grass didn’t turn out to be greener on the other side in most situations. If anything, the cheater finds out that the grass wilts very fast. The mistress now suspects that he is cheating on her with the wife. The unfaithful husband assumes that the mistress will cheat on him with his co-workers or friends. No one trusts one another. If anything, they find themselves right back in the situation with this new person that they were with the old. They fuss, argue, lie to one another, and most importantly, they don’t respect one another. How can you respect a person that is just as bad as you? He or she lied to their partner on the side, took their money and bought the one they cheated with something, and kept any and everything they could a secret from their partner, so what makes one think that they are going to be true to you?

Society seems to have a solution for some of the most complex challenges when it comes to technology, but when it comes to human behavior they don’t have a cure. They can’t give you something to give to you or your mate that will keep you from looking at someone else and wondering, “What would it be like to be with him or her?” They can only give you various reasons like this article provides on why, but it is up to the one who is cheating to do something about the illness that keeps him or her wanting to stray, the past childhood that has him or her emotionally unavailable but all too willing to have sex, or the issues of being self-centered and expecting everyone else to dance by the beat of his or her drum or else which is usually cheating. Until women and men stand up and tell these cheaters, “No, I will not be a part of your game.” The cheaters will continue to manipulate, misuse, and abuse whoever comes in his or her path.

7 Ways to Make Your Spouse or Girlfriend Think Twice About Leaving

The writing is on the wall in your home, you have recently found out that your spouse or girlfriend is thinking about leaving you. She may have quite boldly told you by giving you an ultimatum or secretly told her best friend and you overheard. However, you found out, now is not the time to let her walk out the door if you are not ready to open it. The following our seven actions you can take as soon as today to star building a new foundation for your relationship. It’s time you start getting into the mind of a woman! Hopefully, you won’t be doing too little too late!

One. Become her friend.

How do you do that? You start by sharing some details of your life you haven’t shared before. If you remember, people become fast friends because they have things in common and because they confide in one another about personal experiences. Give her something about yourself that you never shared before that is interesting without lying or exaggerating.

Stop doing everything that is harming your friendship with her such as: ridding yourself of negative influences and habits and changing the way you communicate with her. Remind yourself why you are making the effort to change, because you sincerely want to be with her. If this is going to be too difficult for you and you have no desire to work on the relationship, then let her walk.

Two. Do something different.

You may want to take the time now to start a new hobby. You see when she sees that you have other things going on in your life that she isn’t familiar, she can’t help but take notice. Let’s say you have been telling her for years you want to lose weight, then suddenly she starts seeing you eating differently, buying gym equipment or joining a gym, her attention will begin to focus back on you again and not so much on herself. Make her feel secure by making her feel that you are taking her advice or doing this for not only yourself but for her and the children if you have any. You want to live longer and you understand the significance of what it means to live healthy. Make the things that interest you more real to you, by researching them and motivating yourself to not only talk but walk the walk. The same action can be taken with religion, creating artwork, writing, music, job searching, etc. Do what it takes to not only show your partner you are changing, but that you sincerely want her to be there for you as you embark on this new journey in your life.

Three. Make her feel like you do care about her and what she does.

When she tells you about the things that are going on in her life, are you acting interested? Are you stepping up to the plate? When she needs financial help, are you able to help her or does she have to run to family and friends? These are just some of the things that drive women mad when men seem to only care about them when they are having sex; then afterward they get up, wash off, and on to the next conquest. Treat her as you would like to be treated. Take the time out of your day and ask one simple question, “What do you need me to do?”

Showing care can be challenging when you are dealing with someone who isn’t use to being loved or appreciated. They may look at your nice behavior as something to be suspicious of and wonder what you are expecting in return. Put them at ease, be straightforward in your approach. This means put your heart on the line even if you have never done it before. She may ask, “Why are you suddenly being so nice? Why are you acting as if you care about me now?” You will have to prepare yourself to answer her question. Do you really want her in your life or are you just trying to by time until you get on your feet if you rely on her? Are you sincerely acknowledging her needs or are you doing it because there is something in it for you that has nothing to do with being in a relationship with her? Question your motives before you open up yourself to her.

Four. Acknowledge her feelings after a disagreement and apologize.

There is still hope that the two of you can make the relationship work if you have the courage to reach out and acknowledge her feelings about past issues. You may need to rehash what happened ten years ago to get resolve today. You may have to say you are sorry a thousand times in a thousand different ways to make her feel that she can trust you again. You are going to disagree with the events of the past, but when you disagree and things get heated, try doing something you may have never done before say, “I apologize. Let me try saying this again. Forgive me, I didn’t mean to yell.” We live in a world where we want to see immediate results, start putting yours to action the day you sepak with her about the problems in the relationship.

Five. Be committed to her.

One of the major reasons why some good relationships end badly is because there is this tug and pull over commitment issues. You tell her she is your wife, woman, or girlfriend and so she expects to be treated that way. She wants to be a part of the decision making, she expects to be introduced to the family and friends, she thinks she is entitled to know who you communicate with outside of her, and if you fight her on these issues; rather than embrace her on them, then you are causing unnecessary stress for her and yourself. What’s wrong with telling someone, “Let me talk with my wife about that before I give you my answer?” When you decide that your partner is “the one,” then you need to let her into your world and most of all show her off to the world so that everyone is on the same page. Men who have ulterior motives will not let the world know that they are committed to someone. If you consider yourself a good man, then embrace your good woman.

Six. Find a way to build your lives together and close the gap of distance.

No one living under the same roof should have to feel nervous, afraid, or angry, but many people are living this way. They are holding grudges from the past, refusing to seek help for mental issues, and just living in conditions that aren’t fit for an animal let alone a human. If it’s too much material wealth or too little, do something to change your situation. If it’s too many unresolved issues of the past, find a way to resolve them. Distance comes when people refuse to problem solve. How many times is she going to keep telling you that she doesn’t like when you…? You fill in the blank. Now how many times are you going to keep doing XYZ? People grow weary of explaining themselves and waiting for the other to make some needed changes. If you can go on the Internet and search for a news story or the latest bargain in a store, you can put your problem in a search engine and read articles on how to solve it.

Seven. Allow her to get to know you.

Lastly, utilize opportunities to the fullest to share dreams, goals, and aspirations. Talk about the efforts you are currently making to get things done. Participate in the game of show and tell, what that means is bring something home related to your idea and talk about it, find something on the Internet and show her, use the television as a way to bring up subjects to talk about, and turn on the radio and tell her how a song makes you feel. Although these are little attempts at opening up your life to her, they do matter.

Now that you have seven things that can help you slow the process of her walking out the door, make a point to find seven more that you can put into action today. Timing is of the essence. If she leaves now, it may be the wrong time for the both of you and you may both regret it later. When you know in your heart that you love someone and that nothing in the relationship is so bad that it can’t be fixed, then you still have strong feelings for her and you better be willing to do what it takes to get her to focus back on you.

When a man allows a woman to have so much time on her hands that she has created a world that primarily consists of herself and you are no longer included, then expect her to eventually fall way from you and into the arms of another man (or woman) who knows how to give her the balance she needs. Whatever she desired from you that she told you about and she wasn’t getting, remember another man will fulfill her requests happily.

By Nicholl McGuire

How to Know You Are Marrying More for Religious Reasons than Love

You thought you met the man or woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with but you have your share of doubts. It all started when you caught him or her in lies, questioned their whereabouts and they avoided an explanation, or wondered if the co-worker they talk frequently about is really just a friend. You want to get married to your child’s father or mother, but not necessarily because you just love them. Rather, because those around you tell you that it is the right thing to do. You may agree with them and feel that morally you want to fix what is considered an immoral thing. So what some Christians or believers in a faith do, is get married ignoring all signs that say that this person is not the one.

A woman, Nancy (not her real name) did just that. She reasoned that she would marry her porno addicted fiancé because she thought that if she did and she prayed long and hard enough that God will fix the situation and her soon-to-be husband would stop looking at porn. She was wrong. Even a close spiritual advisor warned her not to and she ignored her saying to the advisor, “God would want her to do what is right and marry her children’s father.”

A man whose identity is being removed to protect his privacy also chose to marry his fiancé knowing that she had a past of cheating and lying to him. He reasoned that she was “the one” despite his mother’s efforts and others in the family to change his mind. He wanted his marriage to be blessed in the eyes of God.

Then there was Bill (whose name has been changed) told family members and friends that he married out of love; however, his family and friends saw additional reasons for why he wanted to marry including the fact that he and his fiancé knew they were pregnant and didn’t want to bring their child into the world without being married first despite their often disagreements.

Now in all of these situations these people reasoned that to get married for spiritual or religious beliefs was the right thing to do. However, if we look at I Corinthians 13: 4-13 and define the definition of love in the New International Version of the Bible, we find examples of good reasons to marry someone, but not because morally you should just go ahead and do it. Then there are many other scriptures that deal with love and marriage in the Bible and none of them have anything to do with reasoning in one’s mind that “everything will be alright if I just get married” and “God will bless my marriage in spite of…”

So how do you know that you are getting married more for religious reasons then for love? You will need to not only evaluate what you are doing and saying to your partner and vice versa, but you will also have to pray for specific signs that will help you make the right decision. Sometimes people do pray for wisdom concerning getting married, but when it is given to them and it’s something they don’t want to hear they do the following: they ignore the wisdom, reason that the person who is giving them advice is jealous, or argue why they should get married despite asking for honest advice. You will know that you are marrying more for religious reasons than love when you find yourself saying or doing the following.

Asking people for advice while ignoring what you already know.

Of course those fellow believers who want you to be happy will encourage you to do whatever you want. They may pull out all of the scriptures that encourage a union, but ignore the ones about being unequally yoked to an unbeliever or other scriptures that God intended to convict your spirit. If you say that you love your partner they will say, “Go ahead get married.” If you say he or she is the parent of my children and I really want him or her in my life they will say, “Go ahead get married.” If you say we have been through so much together and I really want this they will say, “What’s stopping you? Go ahead and get married.” This is not what you should be doing is asking your personal cheerleading team. God wants you to be consulting with him and if he gives you signs you prayed for concerning your partner which are loud and clear, “Look the other way.” Heed them. You can always find other ways to have the parent of your children in your life and the lives of your children without being married to him or her. Sometimes we can make life worse for ourselves and our children in the long term by doing things that we know we shouldn’t. As we all know, those of us who have been married before know that honeymoons don’t last forever!

Your pastor or staff will tell you that “you should be married in the House of the Lord.”

Being married in the house of the Lord or under a blessed bridge with a divine shadow of the Mother of God isn’t going to help your situation when you know that this partner you are considering on marrying is a liar, cheat, angry all the time, violent, and so on. As the scripture says that our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, so if this is true why would you subject your body to abuse and reason that getting married in a holy place will somehow make everything good. Sometimes people assume that if a man or woman of God anoints his or her forehead, prays for them, or reads scripture to them that like a magic potion their partners will change. If anything, they may get worse, because people who don’t have a faith are not happy about anyone doing any of these things to them, if anything it makes them feel strange and uncomfortable and if they feel this way too long they will begin to blame you.

Attending Bible studies and church often.

You may spend more time in the church then you do anywhere else. Of course, being around spiritual people and frequently reading the Bible will make you think about spiritual things often. You will also witness other couples interacting with one another, hear messages from the pulpit about marriage, and read stories about successful relationships. When someone hears enough things about what they desire most long enough, they will start to build a false image about their own relationship. The truth is you don’t have a relationship like pastor and his wife and you can’t compare your relationship with someone else’s in the church just because you saw someone caress his wife or kiss her husband. Chances are your relationship may be worse or better and even still that is not why you should be getting married for image sake. Rather, you should be evaluating what your real motivation is and what you and your partner should be doing and saying to have a quality relationship.

In closing, take the time to be alone and think about all of the reasons why you need to get married to your partner then think of all the reasons why you shouldn’t. When you pray, be specific with your requests such as asking for wisdom and a discerning spirit when it comes to deciding whether or not you should go through with a marriage. Forgive yourself for past mistakes you made, but don’t try to fix them by getting married. Instead, study the word and find subject areas that speak to not just married life, but daily living. Read self-improvement books by best-sellers that can help you understand how men and women should communicate in relationships. Most importantly, ignore everyone’s voice but your own no matter how good or bad the advice. Only you know what you can and can’t handle in your relationship. If you are dealing with an issue that keeps you up at night, that incites arguments, and makes you cry or yell often then seriously consider not getting married. As we all know most marriages end in divorce, because people don’t take the time to think before they leap!

By Nicholl McGuire

Monday

So Blind She Can't See that The Other Woman is Taking Him Away

Why would any woman want to give her man away to another woman? Well, so many do and how they do it might surprise you! "No woman can take your man away, but you can give them away," I heard often as a young wife from relatives. "Be in tuned to your man. Know everything about him." There was much wisdom behind those statements, but I wouldn't grasp it until after my own divorce, dating other men and then beginning a new relationship with someone else. How might a woman give her husband away?

The "I Don't Care" Attitude

When relatives and friends have noticed some oddities about her partner, the attitude of the "my man can do no wrong" woman is usually, "I don't care what they say...I don't care what he does..." rather than taking into consideration what "they say" might have some truth to it.

A woman with thinly veiled boundaries and/or morals doesn't care that her man does the following: drinks hard liquor, smokes illegal drugs, cusses in front of their children, fusses at her, plays gaming systems when more important tasks need to be tended to, watches sports more than watches her (or the children,) etc. She just doesn't care! She's a free-spirit who goes along just to get along!

The working woman or career mother goes off to her job each day, participates in extracurricular activities, tends to the children, visits relatives, shops and does many other things without her man and it's always okay with her that he goes anywhere but hang out with immediate and/or extended family. When asked, "Where's your man? Haven't see him in awhile," by observers. She always has an excuse. For all anyone knows, he could be having: a melt-down about a job loss, mid-life crisis, drug issue, or something major he is grappling with, but she isn't concerned as long as the bills are paid, she is able to buy what she wants when she wants it, and of course, he isn't cheating (at least not yet.)

Meanwhile, he knows that she is often "busy" so when the cat is away a man who also has thinly veiled boundaries and/or morals will play. Does it have to be with another someone? Not necessarily. It could be someone in a magazine or in a pornographic video or something wrapped up in a paper designed to get one higher than the moon, or an addiction that leaves one financially broke. Eventually what is in darkness will come to light usually in the worse way especially if he is a family man. But the immoral man knows she doesn't care, so he will keep right on tickling his fantasies until he is ready for the real thing with someone more interesting than his partner.

When Trust Goes Too Far

Her "boy" friend or "boy" man frequently makes plans with his "boys," travels alone out of state in search of some "me" time, finds a new place to hang out (that she doesn't know about,) participates in lunch dates with female co-workers, and receives phone calls after hours from those same females and all she can say is, "I trust my man."

The writing has been on the wall sometime now in this relationship, but she refuses to read it. There are those unexplained phone calls she answers and someone hangs up on the other end, there is the lipstick (that isn't hers) found in the car and the gifts from "friends." He can't seem to explain his whereabouts when she asks him something like, "Where were you on Tuesday?" and it's only Wednesday. Then there are those "I need to get something at the store I'll be back in about 20 minutes" errands that her man comes up with out of nowhere (usually after handling his cell phone.) Her man usually shows up hours later carrying a small bag with nothing the family really needs for the household. If she dare questions him, he either has a long story, a short one without details or he gets defensive, "What's with all the questions?" She only asked one.

Her man doesn't know how to handle a woman who at one time never questioned him, but is now concerned about the dirt he keeps bringing into their home from the street (especially if there are scratches in places on his body that she hasn't touched recently.)

Too Busy with Life, Too Blind to See the Light

With all her activities, she frequently ignores what he does, because she doesn't want to rock the boat. She remembers what happened last time she questioned him. Lying, yelling, and slamming doors, they were on a roll back then so much in fact the police were almost called.

The busy woman who couldn't care less, doesn't have the energy to stand her ground with her man, so she just accepts whatever he gives her including an STD which came with an excuse attached, "What had happened was..." her cheating man says. The naive woman sees a doctor without thinking twice, gets on with her job and caring for the children and life goes on. On the other hand, her man notices that she believes his story (like all the others) and no consequences were suffered as a result. Therefore, he continues to take those cell phone calls from other women outside the home, ride women in their car (the one they both saved up for), and enjoy both his legal and illegal recreational habits with everyone but her (and their children.)

The Break Up

Crying, the newly engaged woman finally awakes from the deception of "I don't care, I trust my man." She comes to the realization that she gave her man an inch and he took a mile! Where did she go wrong? What did she do to cause the break up? Why did he do this to her? She wasn't possessive, crazy, a nag, or a b*tch, she was just there for her man. That's right, she was just there! Her first mistake, she allowed him to treat her in whatever way he wanted. Next, she gave of herself without resistance. Third, he never had to pay a consequence for misdeeds. Fourth, she didn't bother with boundaries. Last, but not least, she thought she was above wisdom. Wisdom comes in many forms not only from one's voice, but from signs as well.

The other woman was always in the midst of the relationship—waiting. She had made her presence known when he said, "My woman is busy...my woman is doing...my woman doesn't like..." The other woman was taking notes in her mind like a student listening to a professor in a college classroom. She was there to listen to this wayward man and ask him the hard questions that his busy wife should have asked, "What's wrong today? Why are you drinking so much lately? Is there anything you want to talk about? How is the family? You need anything." The other woman had made herself available to the committed man when she often hugged him during their lunch dates then again at other events like a company Christmas party, after relatives died and many more times after that. The wife saw sometimes, but said nothing. She reasoned, "I trust him."

The wife may have felt like the woman was more than fond of her husband, but never sounded the alarm. The other woman enjoyed her husband's companionship and so did his other women friends. "He's so friendly...I can tell him anything...I love your husband." They all say. Yet, his wife, who was always busy both outside and inside of the home, made no time to sit and just talk to her man, ask questions and make her presence be known in his life. Her excuse, "I just wanted a clean home! I just wanted to make sure the children did well in school! I just wanted to make good meals for us...I just wanted to give him his space..."

This is why the cup just ran away with the spoon.

She's Crazy by Nicholl McGuire

She's Crazy by Nicholl McGuire
Dating or married to an angry woman?
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