Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate: The Wish for the Pain to Stop
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate: The Wish for the Pain to Stop: Holiday seasons are being utilized for all the wrong reasons when it comes to volatile relationships . Buy one's abuser as much as he o...
Men At Large - I'm So Alone. - love song
This 90s song reminds us all just how short life is...appreciate your loved ones!
Tips Dating Older Men, Dating Younger Women: Warning for the Young Women - The Quiet and Gentle...
Tips Dating Older Men, Dating Younger Women: Warning for the Young Women - The Quiet and Gentle...: He is kind, patient, and finds the time to do and say nice things for others. The genuinely nice older gentleman is one of the best bachelo...
Tips Dating Older Men, Dating Younger Women: Active and Inactive Older Men, Younger Women
Tips Dating Older Men, Dating Younger Women: Active and Inactive Older Men, Younger Women: If you are one who doesn't have much of a lifestyle outside of the workplace, then think twice about involving yourself with an active, ...
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate: The Guilt-ridden, Ashamed Abusive Spouse
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate: The Guilt-ridden, Ashamed Abusive Spouse: For every striking blow, curse word spoken, and silent treatment tactic used, a guilt-ridden and ashamed filled spouse will reap what he or ...
Sex That's All You Might Have in Common with a Partner
It happens, you end up with a partner that doesn't have too much to say outside of flirting, suggestions to have sex, and intimate talk about the next time you will have sex (sigh). Doesn't this guy or gal know something more than sex?
When you don't have much in common but sex, it can be a challenge to have a quality relationship that goes the distance. Think of those moments you really hit it off with someone, you did more than talk and have sex didn't you?
You fool yourself into thinking that there will be more in the future to discover about this person. Usually whatever "more" is it just isn't as exciting and fun when your mind is programmed to say and do sexy things most often with this individual.
Find other things to think about and test this person on what he or she really wants from you besides sex. Ask about personal interests outside the bedroom that inspire him or her to live his or her best life now. Suggest places to see and recreational things to do together that don't involve heavy petting or sex like visiting an arcade, rock wall climbing, checking out a museum, touring a community, playing a sport, attending a concert, etc.
You just might be disappointed about what you will learn about the person like he or she really isn't your ideal match for starters especially when he or she repeatedly turns down your suggestions. It is better to know sooner rather than later that the only thing you two have is sex in common.
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Too Much, Too Soon Internet Dating Blues and other books.
When you don't have much in common but sex, it can be a challenge to have a quality relationship that goes the distance. Think of those moments you really hit it off with someone, you did more than talk and have sex didn't you?
You fool yourself into thinking that there will be more in the future to discover about this person. Usually whatever "more" is it just isn't as exciting and fun when your mind is programmed to say and do sexy things most often with this individual.
Find other things to think about and test this person on what he or she really wants from you besides sex. Ask about personal interests outside the bedroom that inspire him or her to live his or her best life now. Suggest places to see and recreational things to do together that don't involve heavy petting or sex like visiting an arcade, rock wall climbing, checking out a museum, touring a community, playing a sport, attending a concert, etc.
You just might be disappointed about what you will learn about the person like he or she really isn't your ideal match for starters especially when he or she repeatedly turns down your suggestions. It is better to know sooner rather than later that the only thing you two have is sex in common.
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Too Much, Too Soon Internet Dating Blues and other books.
The Stress of Dating Someone Who is Stressed - family, tragedy, money woes, life
It can be quite stressful dating someone who is stressed about any number of things on any given day. Whether it is family concerns, a money problem, unruly children, or a crazy ex, your date's troubles can rub off on you!
No matter what the issue someone else is facing, you don't need to let their problems consume you. You are empathetic, but you have a life. You are sorry that they are going through much and offer assistance, but you know you can't afford to lose it too or go broke. Life goes on, there are highs and lows and hopefully your date will rise above his or her blues, but maybe not.
Now if your date is using the time you spend together to vent, allow him or her to do just that, but also provide suggestions that will help your date calm down a bit. From a favorite drink to a nice massage, think of ways to help him or her relax. You will discover what type of person you are connecting with by the way he or she responds or doesn't to your efforts. A moody, troubled, or difficult personality will draw you into some kind of crazy-making battle that makes no logical sense, distance yourself from that type--it only gets worse!
You might change the subject after listening to your date's long rant in a gentle way and ask what might uplift his or her mood a bit if you have no clue what else to say or do. If all else fails, give your date some space. Let him or her know that you care, but the time might be better spent in peace and quiet. Excuse yourself and spend the needed time alone unwinding. Remember you have a life!
The more you learn about a date, the more you can determine whether he or she will be a good partner even during tough times. Can he or she mentally keep it together? If not, well there is always more fish in the sea if you know you can't deal with all the baggage that comes with someone. Choose your partner wisely.
Nicholl McGuire author of She's Crazy, Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues and Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.
No matter what the issue someone else is facing, you don't need to let their problems consume you. You are empathetic, but you have a life. You are sorry that they are going through much and offer assistance, but you know you can't afford to lose it too or go broke. Life goes on, there are highs and lows and hopefully your date will rise above his or her blues, but maybe not.
Now if your date is using the time you spend together to vent, allow him or her to do just that, but also provide suggestions that will help your date calm down a bit. From a favorite drink to a nice massage, think of ways to help him or her relax. You will discover what type of person you are connecting with by the way he or she responds or doesn't to your efforts. A moody, troubled, or difficult personality will draw you into some kind of crazy-making battle that makes no logical sense, distance yourself from that type--it only gets worse!
You might change the subject after listening to your date's long rant in a gentle way and ask what might uplift his or her mood a bit if you have no clue what else to say or do. If all else fails, give your date some space. Let him or her know that you care, but the time might be better spent in peace and quiet. Excuse yourself and spend the needed time alone unwinding. Remember you have a life!
The more you learn about a date, the more you can determine whether he or she will be a good partner even during tough times. Can he or she mentally keep it together? If not, well there is always more fish in the sea if you know you can't deal with all the baggage that comes with someone. Choose your partner wisely.
Nicholl McGuire author of She's Crazy, Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues and Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.
When a Partner Puts Everyone Before You - family, friends, co-workers
When you began dating your partner whether months or years ago, you didn't anticipate that the future would be like this, he or she would ignore, make excuses to get out of doing things with you, make favorite relatives a priority, and accuse you of acting insecure or jealous. All you wanted was a relationship with your mate and you didn't expect anything less. However, these days it feels like you are all alone. Your feelings don't matter, time spent together is unimportant, and when you so much as you bring up a conversation that sounds the least bit unflattering, you are deemed a trouble-maker by your selfish partner. As long as you go along with his or her program, you are a "good" girlfriend, "great" boyfriend or spouse. Well enough is enough!
As much as you might not like to sit down and talk about your feelings, state consequences, or be critical about the way your partner is treating you, you will have to keep going to him or her about what ails you until there is some kind of resolve met. It is going to take some time, patience, a willingness to listen to unpleasant things, and most of all love. If you plan to be in this relationship for the long haul, you will have to do your part to make it work. As for your partner, your repeated conversations, requests, or even demands and his or her response to them will determine how dedicated he or she is to the partnership.
You are right when you feel like you are second-best. So you might as well put yourself first. Don't wait around for your partner to validate you, celebrate you, or do anything with you. Chances are if he or she is behaving like you are irrelevant, most likely he or she has lost interest in you for any number of reasons including you possibly being too available for him or her. Start planning your life that doesn't require much attention from your partner and watch what happens. If he or she sees that there is distance, maybe the individual will realize one just might be losing you.
Find the time to do some things together even if the moments are few and far in between. The upside is you will appreciate one another more and because you don't have much time to be together due to other responsibilities you just might make the most of it.
If you find that outside influences are impacting your relationship and it isn't all your partner's doing, then you might want to make your mate aware of what you have observed. Don't worry about what he or she says about your being "insecure, jealous, worry too much..." Continue to state how you feel and ask him or her to consider what you have said. You may even have to confront or expose someone at fault for their disrespectful behavior. If you don't want to deal with the person who you believe is causing a wedge in your relationship head-on, think of ways that will solve their situation so that he or she isn't relying on your mate so much even if that means volunteering your service every once in awhile. This way you can get to know this person a bit better and see up close and personal what is really going on with him or her when your partner isn't around. You can also share how much you love your partner and will stand by him or her through thick and thin. This way the individual has a sense that you are not weak and will not be used or abused by them. Don't ever share too much personal information that can be used against you later and whatever you do don't badmouth your partner to relatives and friends.
It hurts when you see that a partner is behaving rather accommodating to everyone else but you. You feel ignored, alone, and confused. If you have a personal faith, now is a good time to use it as well as draw on healthy support from individuals who have gone through something similar. If you can't withstand the agony of what is happening and you see no change with a partner after sharing your feelings, protect your heart, create distance, and re-evaluate whether you want to be in a relationship with someone like this.
Nicholl McGuire
As much as you might not like to sit down and talk about your feelings, state consequences, or be critical about the way your partner is treating you, you will have to keep going to him or her about what ails you until there is some kind of resolve met. It is going to take some time, patience, a willingness to listen to unpleasant things, and most of all love. If you plan to be in this relationship for the long haul, you will have to do your part to make it work. As for your partner, your repeated conversations, requests, or even demands and his or her response to them will determine how dedicated he or she is to the partnership.
You are right when you feel like you are second-best. So you might as well put yourself first. Don't wait around for your partner to validate you, celebrate you, or do anything with you. Chances are if he or she is behaving like you are irrelevant, most likely he or she has lost interest in you for any number of reasons including you possibly being too available for him or her. Start planning your life that doesn't require much attention from your partner and watch what happens. If he or she sees that there is distance, maybe the individual will realize one just might be losing you.
Find the time to do some things together even if the moments are few and far in between. The upside is you will appreciate one another more and because you don't have much time to be together due to other responsibilities you just might make the most of it.
If you find that outside influences are impacting your relationship and it isn't all your partner's doing, then you might want to make your mate aware of what you have observed. Don't worry about what he or she says about your being "insecure, jealous, worry too much..." Continue to state how you feel and ask him or her to consider what you have said. You may even have to confront or expose someone at fault for their disrespectful behavior. If you don't want to deal with the person who you believe is causing a wedge in your relationship head-on, think of ways that will solve their situation so that he or she isn't relying on your mate so much even if that means volunteering your service every once in awhile. This way you can get to know this person a bit better and see up close and personal what is really going on with him or her when your partner isn't around. You can also share how much you love your partner and will stand by him or her through thick and thin. This way the individual has a sense that you are not weak and will not be used or abused by them. Don't ever share too much personal information that can be used against you later and whatever you do don't badmouth your partner to relatives and friends.
It hurts when you see that a partner is behaving rather accommodating to everyone else but you. You feel ignored, alone, and confused. If you have a personal faith, now is a good time to use it as well as draw on healthy support from individuals who have gone through something similar. If you can't withstand the agony of what is happening and you see no change with a partner after sharing your feelings, protect your heart, create distance, and re-evaluate whether you want to be in a relationship with someone like this.
Nicholl McGuire
Improve Your Online Dating Experiences, Prepare for What is Ahead
Let's face it, our Internet connections are technologically induced as well as the emotions that result. Images are altered to impress. Words are specially selected to persuade us to "choose me," chat and make an appointment to see a potential partner. Dating preferences are sometimes embellished to lure you in and keep you captivated. E-mail, text, and video stories are at times are vague, inaccurate or insulting. The voice on the other end of the phone or via video chat is controlled as well as behaviors. A stranger is careful not to irritate you or send you running. Most likely, these potential dates recall the arguments they had with exes and the barrage of insults they endured that revealed their weaknesses prior to connecting with you. Therefore, they know what to do to hide flaws so that they can attract new mates before the unsuspecting are on to their games.
So if you feel a tad bit tricked or cheated when it comes to online dating, you have been. There is only so much that one can do online as compared to offline. There are still many things about a person's body language, spirit, and demeanor that can be quite different when you see them face-to-face and spend much time with dates.
A young man approaches the computer screen eager to meet a woman who will give him some time, affection and possibly add benefits to his flourishing lifestyle. He joins an online dating website, fills out forms, answers survey questions, uploads his photo, and familiarizes himself with ice breakers and other features so that he is well-prepared and comfortable to generate conversation in the near future with the lovely ladies online. The bachelor doesn't pay too much attention to a dating websites rules and isn't the least bit interested in paying for any additional services. He just wants a companion.
When it comes to meeting that special someone we don't always get what we ordered from the Internet as you will read in a later chapter. Yet, those emotions we experienced that swept us away from a mere computer screen projecting an image of someone that may or may not be real, feel so genuine.
As time goes on, this same young man, as described earlier, will grow weary of the dating pool on one site, and contemplate on joining another and another and may even pay to get better service. The longer he sticks it out using dating websites and apps the chances he will meet more than just a companion. Possibly a character created from one's fantasy world like a model or a special design (autobot). The longing man talks with anyone or thing in the hopes that what he hopes is human won't let him down in the short or long term.
Speaking of bots (fake profiles built to enhance communication to build revenue for the dating site) daters find out sooner or later on many of the money-grabbing sites that they have been hooked into nothing more than an altered reality. They speak about their experiences in reviews. The bot will never lead to anything offline. However, some gullible members of these dating sites will keep on talking anyway being entertained by hot, imaginary friends.
The opportunists are out there in dating world and they aren't much interested in meeting someone as much as getting specific needs met. You will read about their agendas and possibly your own in the next chapter. In addition, you will find thoughts, experiences and more about Internet dating and why one will need to put the brakes on some things if you are just getting started or know someone who is in the online dating arena. Read about the pitfalls as well that some find themselves in because they started off looking to meet someone on the Internet for all the wrong reasons. When it is all said and done, you will have come away from reading this book understanding fully why it is so essential to take it slow when dating.
Want to read more? Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues by Nicholl McGuire is now available on Barnes & Noble online.
Dating Blues - Why Bother with Dating at this Time?
Over and over again a single woman is let down by a date.
She swipes, scrolls, and taps looking for her next encounter that will make her
forget about her last unsuccessful meeting. But to no avail, he seems to be
more problematic than the previous male that caught her eye.
A single man finally decides to make arrangements to date
again only to find out the dating scene hasn’t changed much. He is often
disappointed with what appears to look good on a dating profile but falls flat
once seen in person.
What is the problem with these two as well as many other
hopeful singles? There is no single answer and with every online or offline
exchange with a fellow single, you just can’t avoid the things you simply don’t
like about people. It goes back to what I mentioned in a previous blog entry
some years back, you have to accept the bitter with the sweet, the cons with
the pros, if you are determined to make things work with someone.
I recall setting my standards both high and low and the
outcome was the same, I still couldn’t connect with guys in the way that I
wanted. When I found more strengths than weaknesses with a couple guys, those
encounters led to marriages. As I learned more about myself and heard others’
dating experiences, I realized that many folks I talked to were either looking
at all that was right or all that was wrong with their partners. You don’t get
anywhere you want to go in a relationship when there is no balance on emotions,
work, money, or anything else. Throw in the “all or nothing” concept when in a
relationship with someone and that doesn’t seem to go over too well either. It
starts to feel more like an ultimatum, a concrete rule that no one can live up
to.
“Now you want me to give you something that I’m not quite
ready to give. Rather than ease into a relationship, you want me to be all
things to you based on a list you conjured up in your mind, right?” says the
one who feels like he or she has been backed up against a wall by a needy single.
If you know that you are just not doing good dating others
on or offline, try giving yourself a long break. Not the kind of break that lasts days, but
how about months or yes, even years. There is nothing wrong with not looking
for someone. It is usually when you are not seeking a partner that a good
friend shows up in your life when you least expect it.
As much as some of you would love to meet Mr. Right or Ms.
Right like right now, you will get out of the connection only what you are
willing to put in and for many singles they are not finding anything more than
sex. In time the sexual encounters lead to burnout and boredom, think about
this, you meet the guy or gal of your dreams and you can’t deliver emotionally
or physically in a way that they deserve. Take the long break and learn more
about you and what you need rather than what you want as well as what
weaknesses you are willing to tolerate in others.
Nicholl McGuire is the owner and manager of this blog.
Dating Apps and Websites Worth Checking Out for Singles
You are already familiar with most popular dating apps like:
Tinder, Bumble, Match, Happn, and others, but there are apps around the world in
and out of this country that are growing.
If you wish to try something new, you
might want to take a look at the following.
RSVP - Australia
Single.de - German dating website
that is free and fast to register. It may
be used via smart phone too.
Meetic - French dating
mobile app with many available singles.
Check out photos, like, make a connection, view profiles, and more.
Appetence - known for
being one of the dating apps that encourages singles to “take it slow.” This slow matchmaking app allows users to
decide when to display their profiles to those they may be interested in
dating. People are connected when they have similar interests, hobbies, etc.
LDS Planet - dating site
is free to sign up and browse. Simple to
use but you can’t check out dating site without registering first.
Hotline.dating - this dating app forces potential matches to
call one another. There is a reasonable
monthly fee to use. The app is designed
for those who have trouble connecting in their community and aren’t doing so
well with other dating sites. It is only
available via the App Store at this time.
Bristlr - a dating
app that connects people with beards with those who want to stroke them. Straightforward and to the point. Enough said.
Available in the App Store and Google Play.
Paktor - this is a
popular Asian dating social app. Similar
to dating apps where you view faces that you like and others that you pass
on. If someone likes you back, you have
a match. Name, age, body measurements and
profession are seen below photo along with description.
OasisDating - a
dating website with a large dating pool in the U.S.
Be safe using dating apps and check question and answer
sections of the apps for any hidden fees or if you have problems. Happy Dating!
Why Your Boyfriend Talks To Everyone But You
When it comes to the things that matter in his life, you
notice he is talking to everyone but you.
When exactly you noticed his behavior doesn’t matter, he could have
suddenly acted this way or he could have gradually became distant. All you know is that he is different and you
need some help analyzing why, so that you can put your plan B into motion, that
is if you have one. So review the signs
that follow then create a plan for yourself and/ or relationship that will
bring you love and peace.
An ex came back on the scene. She made a significant impact on his heart and mind in the past. She may come back just to see how happy he really is and to shake things up a bit with questions such as “Do you still love me? What if we would have never broken up? I realize the mistakes I made, do you want to try again? How about meeting me for lunch?”
His friends have made him the butt of some of their jokes. Single men are jealous of their married friends. They will talk about all the benefits of being single in front of their friends, but at night when they are all alone, they will wish for a steady mate. Your boyfriend may have been criticized for being smitten with you. They may have accused him of “changing” or “not coming around as much” since you have come into his life.
The only way that you can get to the bottom of why your boyfriend doesn’t talk to you is to communicate. Start off by sharing information with him about what you have noticed. Tell him how it makes you feel. Wait for a response. If you don’t agree with what he is telling you, then say so. Some men will say things just to pacify you or keep you from finding out what really bothers them. Don’t allow him to make you feel like a trouble- maker. When some men don’t want to talk, they make accusations and place blame just to upset you and get you off their back. If things become too heated, retreat and come back another time. However, if you have made many attempts to extract information and he still chooses to keep what really is bothering him to himself, then you will have to resort to giving ultimatums at the risk of ending the relationship. Do what makes you feel at peace and don’t give up until you get what you want.
In the beginning of the relationship he was “all smiles”
with you. He shared stories of his daily
events, how you made him feel, and future plans of how he hoped to spend life
with you. Nowadays he isn’t saying much more
than a “hello” and a “goodbye.” Here’s
what may have happened. Use this list of possibilities to start a conversation with your boyfriend.
He doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you. There may have been moments where he said or
did something that upset you in the past.
He may worry that you will “blow up” or say something that will hurt his
feelings, so he rather keep to himself.
Someone started advising him about his life choices. He could have met you at the bar, found a
minimum wage job, failed to pay a relative back, got someone pregnant and
didn’t care for the child, or did something else that someone felt they had to
confront him about. Don’t think for one
minute men don’t share how they feel about their girlfriends or wives with
other people. A man always has at least
one person, maybe as many as four or more people he consults with for advice on
the things that matter to him the most: his girl, money, health and
sports. Whoever this person(s) is they
have told him some things that have motivated him to do or not do something
about the choices he has made in his life or made him feel guilty. Whatever he has done, he is trying to figure
out a way to fix it and he doesn’t feel comfortable talking with you about it,
because it may involve you.
An ex came back on the scene. She made a significant impact on his heart and mind in the past. She may come back just to see how happy he really is and to shake things up a bit with questions such as “Do you still love me? What if we would have never broken up? I realize the mistakes I made, do you want to try again? How about meeting me for lunch?”
He had disagreements with you that he couldn’t get over. Some men will keep everything inside for fear
of being viewed as “the bad guy.” How
people see them is more important to them, then sharing what they feel. Rather than explaining to you what it is that
made him change toward you, he will wait for you to pull it out of him. Then later become more upset that “you made
him angry.” If he could have shared what
was bothering him, then you wouldn’t have had to use extreme measures to
extract information like yell your head off!
His friends have made him the butt of some of their jokes. Single men are jealous of their married friends. They will talk about all the benefits of being single in front of their friends, but at night when they are all alone, they will wish for a steady mate. Your boyfriend may have been criticized for being smitten with you. They may have accused him of “changing” or “not coming around as much” since you have come into his life.
He took out the calculator one day and saw you as an
expense. Business minded men with
goals have a way of looking at the big picture.
When he decided to include some additional goals in his life plan, he
figured that the money he was spending on you, he could be saving hence the
change of attitude and heart.
He has a health issue that he isn’t ready to talk to you
about. His last doctor’s appointment
may have included some news he didn’t want to hear. Depending on his age, he may be going through
a mid life crisis. If he is in denial,
then he can’t talk about it and if he isn’t then for some men, they won’t.
He cheated and now he feels guilty. Struggling with trying to find the words to
say and trying to make sense of those lustful feelings, he won’t be very talkative
or maybe too talkative about everything but what is on his mind.
He has new interests, hobbies, and goals that are
occupying his thoughts. Taking up a
new hobby or job is exciting and if he thinks that you aren’t that excited
about his new venture, he’s not going to share any information about it.
His job or schooling has become increasingly more
stressful. No one likes to share
feelings when they are stressed. It
takes time to unwind, process new feelings, and then talk about them. In time, when he is ready he will share what
he may be going through at work or school.
Be supportive.
He has learned something about you that he doesn’t like. Hopefully you were honest about your life to
him. No one should have to tell your
life’s story for you, but if they have then you may want to find out what he
knows.
He either isn’t in love with you or doesn’t love you
anymore. To this all you can do is
look out for yourself. When you have
created the opportunity for him to tell you how he feels and he doesn’t come
clean, spends time blaming you, accuses you of “not allowing him to speak” or
“that’s why I can’t talk to you,” and using other phrases to digress from the
topic at hand, leave him be. He isn’t
worth wasting any more time. Move on
with your life and next time pay better attention in the beginning of the
relationship to the following warning signs:
dishonesty about his past life, avoidance of topics that he would have
to share how he feels, covers up who he is talking to or where he is going, protective
of personal documents, and suddenly or gradually becomes distant (meaning not
being intimate, conversing with you, buying gifts or doing anything to make the
relationship better even after being told about the problems.)
The only way that you can get to the bottom of why your boyfriend doesn’t talk to you is to communicate. Start off by sharing information with him about what you have noticed. Tell him how it makes you feel. Wait for a response. If you don’t agree with what he is telling you, then say so. Some men will say things just to pacify you or keep you from finding out what really bothers them. Don’t allow him to make you feel like a trouble- maker. When some men don’t want to talk, they make accusations and place blame just to upset you and get you off their back. If things become too heated, retreat and come back another time. However, if you have made many attempts to extract information and he still chooses to keep what really is bothering him to himself, then you will have to resort to giving ultimatums at the risk of ending the relationship. Do what makes you feel at peace and don’t give up until you get what you want.
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.
Life after Dating, Relationship - What the Future Holds?
You might have made up in your mind this is the last relationship, last date, last friends with benefits arrangement, last marriage, or cheating you will do with someone. But what happens when you are officially done with this connection? What might replace the void left behind?
Sometimes people end up going back to unfulfilling connections once they are so-called over, because they never bothered to consider what might bring peace to them long after the thrill has gone with someone. It isn't too soon to start thinking about the break up, your new life, and what the future holds for you. When you are truly ready to make something your last, you either will stick with him or her or let that person go altogether. Your mind is only going to get along or go along with someone before it screams one day, "Now why are we in this? Don't I deserve better?" "Better" doesn't come from another human being it comes from within.
If I want "better" anything I am going to make the kind of choices that will make me feel better and most likely I am going to think long term. Short term connections just don't cut it. Long term connections filled with drama don't better you either. Being better and doing better comes from a mindset that no longer wants to settle for people, places, and things that don't aid us toward our goals to betterment personally and professionally.
Life after dating or a relationship is what you choose to make it! What do you most want to accomplish? Redirect your focus on that rather than an undesirable connection or a pessimistic person who is more down on most days than up. What have you been telling others you really want to do? Have you been doing anything to make personal dreams a reality?
Depending on who you connect yourself with will determine whether you will ever achieve your personal goals. A person who knows how to move out the way and let you fly can be a great friend, but a poor marriage partner. He or she might give up much for you, but become difficult if you don't return the favor. A mate who is often disputing what you say or do and doesn't bother to connect you with on an emotional or physical level unless you initiate contact is a selfish person and a burden. It isn't difficult to predict what a future might look like if you carry difficult, selfish, or mean-spirited people along your life journey.
If you can't see yourself doing what you are doing right now in less than five years, then it is okay to start disconnecting yourself from who or what might be negatively impacting you. If all seems to be alright and you don't find the person you are with nothing more than an added benefit, then great. However, do think about what you are contributing to the relationship that makes him or her feel good. But if you are honest with yourself and you find that you take more than you give, it is safe to say this person might be thinking about a life in the near future without you.
Nicholl McGuire is the author of She's Crazy and Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.
Sometimes people end up going back to unfulfilling connections once they are so-called over, because they never bothered to consider what might bring peace to them long after the thrill has gone with someone. It isn't too soon to start thinking about the break up, your new life, and what the future holds for you. When you are truly ready to make something your last, you either will stick with him or her or let that person go altogether. Your mind is only going to get along or go along with someone before it screams one day, "Now why are we in this? Don't I deserve better?" "Better" doesn't come from another human being it comes from within.
If I want "better" anything I am going to make the kind of choices that will make me feel better and most likely I am going to think long term. Short term connections just don't cut it. Long term connections filled with drama don't better you either. Being better and doing better comes from a mindset that no longer wants to settle for people, places, and things that don't aid us toward our goals to betterment personally and professionally.
Life after dating or a relationship is what you choose to make it! What do you most want to accomplish? Redirect your focus on that rather than an undesirable connection or a pessimistic person who is more down on most days than up. What have you been telling others you really want to do? Have you been doing anything to make personal dreams a reality?
Depending on who you connect yourself with will determine whether you will ever achieve your personal goals. A person who knows how to move out the way and let you fly can be a great friend, but a poor marriage partner. He or she might give up much for you, but become difficult if you don't return the favor. A mate who is often disputing what you say or do and doesn't bother to connect you with on an emotional or physical level unless you initiate contact is a selfish person and a burden. It isn't difficult to predict what a future might look like if you carry difficult, selfish, or mean-spirited people along your life journey.
If you can't see yourself doing what you are doing right now in less than five years, then it is okay to start disconnecting yourself from who or what might be negatively impacting you. If all seems to be alright and you don't find the person you are with nothing more than an added benefit, then great. However, do think about what you are contributing to the relationship that makes him or her feel good. But if you are honest with yourself and you find that you take more than you give, it is safe to say this person might be thinking about a life in the near future without you.
Nicholl McGuire is the author of She's Crazy and Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.
What You Need To Know About Dating Interracially
Whether he or she is Caucasian,
African American, Mexican, Chinese, Korean, Filipino, or something in between
you need to be understanding of one’s culture and be prepared for how society
will treat you both.
When one is in love there are no
color issues. He or she only sees a
person who is kind, considerate, loving, sweet, beautiful, and everything he or
she has wanted and more. They couple
might fantasize about getting married one day and having children. It’s easy to feel this way behind closed
doors, sitting in a car with steamy windows, or living in a neighborhood where
people don’t think twice about an interracial couple. However, what happens when you make your pledge
of love to your significant in front of God, family and country?
Not everyone will be celebrating
your new relationship. Some will smile
in your face and talk about you and your mate behind your back. To this statement, most couples will say, “So
what?” Family and friends’ reactions to
your news may not bother you when you don’t need them, but what happens when
daddy is the one who is in control of your trust fund, mommy is paying for your
college, and your grandparents have been babysitting your children from a
previous relationship while you have your fun?
Things are going to get interesting when they don’t approve.
Why is it that some people don’t
approve of interracial relationships? To
answer this question simply, they are fearful of the unknown or what they have
heard. If you know nothing about a race
of people and they look, possibly smell and talk different than you, it isn’t
easy for everyone to embrace them right away.
Worse yet, if those who are close to you do know something about a
particular race of people based on what someone told them or a negative
experience they may have had with a single person or group, they may not have
gotten over it. Of course, that isn’t
your problem, that is theirs, but it will become your problem if you rely on
them or if you choose to have children later in life. You will have to relinquish the power they
may have over you such as relying on their money and be mindful of what they
may say negative to your children due to their ignorance. Take a moment to reflect back on the things
they may have said when you were a child about other races, not everyone
changes with time.
The following tips may assist you
with breaking the news about your interracial relationship if you haven’t
already and how to react to any negativity you may experience afterward.
Be sure to be on one accord with
your mate before you meet one another’s families. In other words, if you two already have
personal challenges in relating to one another due to cultural differences, you
need to get those issues handled. Learning
new things about someone and how they handle debates is hard enough, then you
throw in an upcoming meeting with potentially ignorant individuals and that
could be disastrous. Know each other and
discuss how you both will deal with negative comments, jokes and questions as a
team, not as individuals. Family and
friends will be observing whether the two of you really have a united front or
are you two just temporarily lusting after one another.
Ask questions that you hadn’t
thought to talk about with your mate before you visit family and friends. If you heard something about a type of food
his or her culture supposedly eats, find out if that information applies to
them. For instance, there are African
Americans that don’t like watermelon and Chinese people who rather eat a
McDonald’s hamburger then a bowl of rice.
Never assume anything, always ask questions.
Tell a few big mouth family
members or friends in advance before you come to their home with your
mate. They will be sure to spread the
news like wildfire. You don’t need to
use your mate to shock anyone, sometimes people aren’t careful what they say or
do when their nerves are shocked. Avoid
the game playing or assumptions that everyone is okay with your new love’s skin
color.
Curious men and women may be bold
and ask very private questions about you based on stereotypes, be prepared to
avoid the topic if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
Stares are common when people
aren’t use to seeing two different races as partners. Discuss how it makes you feel with your
partner. Talk about how you both may or may not deal with it and if it doesn’t
bother you, then be sensitive to your partner’s feelings about the stares. Research new places to go where neither of
you will feel uncomfortable.
Be prepared for any personality
changes toward you and your mate from the people you know. Some may have called you more often before
the news, now they may start to begin to make less and less phone calls. Others may not want to hang out with you
anymore. This behavior is unfair, but it
happens; therefore, don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. If you are willing to make sacrifices for
love, then closing the door on certain relationships just may have to happen.
The ultimate confrontation is
bound to happen when someone decides to boldly tell you why you shouldn’t be
with him or her. Be bold back and stand
your ground. No need to explain why you
love he or she to this ignorant person.
Instead, turn the conversation back on the one making the statement, ask
he or she (in a concerned voice rather than a snippy one,) “Why does my dating
outside of our race bother you so much?”
Hear what they have to say.
Afterward either politely excuse your self from them or walk away,
rather than argue. Consider what he or
she has just said. Did they make a valid
point? If not, throw the negativity out
of your mind.
The threats to take away what is
rightfully yours are often used by family to get you to behave the way they
want. Don’t fall in this trap! If you sincerely love your mate, material
things will not matter. Yet, if your
mate seems to think more highly of your pending trust, property or some other
asset you own more than you do, you will have to question whether he or she is
really in the relationship for you or for what you have.
The “think
about the kids” argument is a point that is often raised by ignorant people who
don’t like interracial dating. Your
biggest concern won’t be with the school your children will attend in the
future; instead it will be with the ignorant grandparents, aunts or
uncles. If you plan on having people who
think this way around your children, you may have many problems to contend with
in the future particularly if one of the children looks more like one race over
the other. Issues of favoritism,
negative remarks about skin tone and hair texture, unflattering comments about
body type as well as a host of other issues may come up from relatives that may
potentially influence your child.
Be aware of
those who seem a bit too supportive.
They are the ones who smile at you both in your faces, then stare at you
weirdly behind your back. They will tell
you about someone they once considered dating outside of their race and found
some excuse not to see them. Meanwhile,
they have regrets about their decision and may secretly be jealous of you and
your mate. Eventually it will be
revealed to you how they really feel about your dating interracially by what
someone will tell you or how they may act around others when talking about
you. Be careful, don’t reveal much about
your relationship to them and no matter how tempting you may feel to want to
share your frustrations about the family, don’t. They will only go back to everyone and tell
what you talked about adding fuel to the fire.
Overall, when
you choose to announce that you are seeing someone outside of your race, don’t
do it for shock, rebellion or other selfish reasons. Rather, know that you are in love with your
significant before you tell everyone. Be
willing to make additional sacrifices that you wouldn’t have to make if you
stayed with someone in your own race.
Remember the keys to any relationship running its course for the rest of
one’s life is to be willing to compromise, communicate, listen, understand, and
most of all love. Without any of these
components, you won’t have much of a relationship and will only further
complicate matters when you date interracially for all the wrong reasons.
Nicholl McGuire is the author of She's Crazy and Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.
Can You Push a Man into the Arms of Another Woman?
If you didn't intend to give him an excuse to go out and cheat, he just might use the following to do it. Not every man is guilty of cheating, but give them a reason and who knows what might happen?
One. Telling him, “Go
to her…Find someone else I don’t need you anyway!” when you don’t really mean
it. Some men whether they have someone
else they are seeing will take you up on this statement. When you are arguing, try to refrain from
telling him this if you still want to be with him.
Two. Making false
accusations without proof. So you found
a number you don’t recognize somewhere in his belongings, big deal! It means nothing if you don’t call it and
someone on the other end of the phone says, “Yes, I did sleep with Jim.” The real proof is the kind that no matter
what he says or does he can’t wiggle out of any of it when confronted.
Three. Refusing to
forgive him for the past. You told him
that you forgave him, yet you still bring up what he did to you back in
1999. Chances are you haven’t moved on,
and he will. Until you are completely
over the incidents of the past, don’t allow him back into your life.
Four. Not acting
interested in your man. You are happy
and smiling at his family and friends, but when he tries to make small talk
with you or be affectionate, you are cold.
If you don’t get over what is bothering you, he will find someone who is
hot.
Five. Repeatedly
lying to your mate. He asked you to tell
the truth, yet you still lie anyway. How
long do you think you can keep lying, before he breaks it off with you?
Six. Letting your
appearance go downhill. No excuses on
this one. Men will always be visual
creatures; therefore, don’t expect them to empathize with your weight problem,
bad hair days, menstrual issues and whatever else that is making you
unattractive. Do something about them
all before its too late!
Seven. Never smiling
or showing appreciation, always finding fault with him. Men have been known to walk out on their
wives after ten plus years. It is
unfortunate but many will say it was because of this point.
Eight. Praising every
woman around you and making a point to tell your mate about other women’s
attributes while putting yourself down.
You may have done this, told your man how lovely your best friend looks
in her clothes. Well you may think there
is nothing wrong with doing this, but there is if you do it enough times. Instead of pointing out what is good about
everyone else, why not point out something that is good about you.
Nine. Knowing he is
involved with another woman early in the relationship, yet you look the other
way. He told you he was leaving his
wife, breaking up with his girlfriend, or calling off the wedding to his
fiancé, but what he didn’t tell you was exactly when and he still hasn’t shown
you the proof of divorce. There is a
good possibility that he won’t be doing it because he still loves her. Get out while you can or you may be sharing
your man.
Ten. Bringing your
most attractive and flirtatious friends around him assuming they all will
behave. There are men who enjoy the
company of beautiful women so much in fact that they may just get tempted. If you don’t want him to have some fun with
your friends, don’t invite them to your home with him around.
Eleven. Knowing he
has bad habits that often get him into trouble, yet you stay anyway. Drugs, alcohol, and/or pornography are a few
of the bad habits you may be aware of, yet you think that he won’t slip up and
cheat on you while doing these things.
Think again.
Twelve. Telling him
what your most personal weaknesses are and expecting your troubled man to be
supportive. You share with him your
problem of depression, the bad relationship you have with your dad, or your
terrible spending habit, he has enough troubles of his own, rather than help
you through your problems he may look to someone who doesn’t have as much
emotional baggage and more money.
Thirteen. Abstaining
from any nice thing you often did for him to win him over (including using the
absence of sex and cooking as forms of punishment.) If you did many wonderful things for him
early in the relationship and then suddenly stopped, you are communicating a
message to him that there are problems.
However, without explaining what is going on with you, he will look
toward someone else for comfort believing you aren’t interested in him anymore.
Now that you have read 13 ways you might be encouraging your man to leave you and go off with the real or imagined woman you believe he is fond of, what are you going to do?
How To Handle The News You’re Having A Baby
The news shocked the nerves of yet another couple. “You are pregnant,”
the nurse announced. The couple had talked about the possibility of
having a child one day, just not so soon after meeting each other less than a
year ago. They both were in agreement about not having an abortion, but
quietly they wished that the news had been untrue at least for now.
Once the couple got over the shock, they told only a select few about
the pregnancy. They weren’t in a rush to reveal the baby news to all of
their critical family and friends. They thought of their religious
grandparents "You're not even married," their vain parents, “I’m too
young to be a grandparent!” and their “too busy to care” friends, "That's
nice, when are you coming over for drinks." Further, they knew no
one on either side of their intermediate family who would be celebrating yet
another birth, since their siblings had already filled the first grandchildren
vacancies. Therefore, with all the knowledge they knew about family and
friends and their views on children, they silently made plans to provide the
best that they could for their firstborn offspring without making this birth
announcement a big deal.
Your story may not be as sad as this one, but the reality is not
everyone is happy about a child being born. The way you handle the news
will be very different than the way your mate and those around you will handle
the news. Even people who really love children and have always wanted
children will be ecstatic initially about a new birth announcement, but later
as the second, third, fourth and so on come about, for some their smiling faces
will turn into frowns. Women will think of the stress their body will
undergo, while men will think of the cost to pay for a child. Your mate
may want to talk about everything from how you are feeling to what is the next
thing on the list to buy, while you may only want to be left alone to your
thoughts. This attitude is quite normal, but how long you dwell in the
shock of it all may affect your relationship with both your mate and your
newborn.
Avoiding outings
together while pregnant, cutting off everything that you two both enjoyed
before you found out the news, and distancing yourself from relatives are not
ways to handle baby news. Whether people will be happy for you or not
shouldn’t have any bearing on how you and your mate relate to one
another. Yet, so many women and men allow negative thinking to get in the
way of their relationship. Thoughts such as, “I am not as attractive as I
was before this pregnancy, he probably isn’t interested in me anymore.” He
may think, “I can’t handle her mood swings and the way she talks to me, this
pregnancy is just too much!” These are not thoughts that will contribute
to a positive, healthy atmosphere before the baby is born. Instead, these
thoughts will only aid in building a stepping-stone for a future break
up. Then throw in the negative reactions from family and friends and you
both will have a wildfire! Some parents just aren’t ready to be
grandparents and never really catch on to the idea. They rather go out
with their friends; then spend time at home coddling their
grandchildren. Be prepared for their negative statements such as, “I
thought you were using protection, how are you going to pay for a child and you
know I don’t baby sit.”
Men must understand that their women will not always be that cute,
kind, wonderful, loving woman that she was before a human life invaded her
body and took over every aspect of her being. She will cry, have an
attitude, become lazy, want to eat more and have her share of pet
peeves. Secretly or openly casting revenge on her because you don’t like
the way she said something to you is not the way to handle the mother of your
child. Some men will not talk to their pregnant mates as much, buy them
gifts, avoid going with them anywhere, stop being affectionate, work later
hours, start hanging out with friends more and do less household
chores. Men can help their women become more positive about the birth
simply by doing the following.
Acknowledge her for mother’s day and remember other special holidays
(like when you first met.)
Surprise her with little tokens of appreciation such as a “Thinking of
You” card or bring home her favorite snacks.
Ask her if she needs something before she asks you.
Take her out to dinner (if she cooks often she would greatly appreciate
the break.)
Offer to take on additional responsibilities (such as grocery shopping,
doing the laundry or cleaning the kitchen and bathroom) while she lies down to
rest.
Most of all keep your negative comments about how she looks to
yourself. She knows her face is plump, her lips are cracking, her hair is
changing, her body is increasing in size, and she doesn’t have much sex with
you. Remember everything that is happening to her is temporary and for
some women that body is coming back looking better than it was before she
became pregnant. If you don’t want to be the man left behind and replaced
with someone else, then show her love and kindness at this very vulnerable and
risky time in her life. She may even apologize to you if she realizes she
has done or said something wrong. Accept each and every apology and cast
her negative behaviors into the sea of forgetfulness. Wouldn’t you want
her to do it for you?
You may be one of those women who just don’t feel the support of having
a baby from most of your family and friends. You must not allow others’
behaviors to dictate your actions such as isolating yourself, feeling guilty,
breaking up with your future child’s father, working long hours because someone
told you about the cost of raising a child or anything that could cause you
more stress. As long as you are doing things that are not endangering you
or your baby, enjoy your life! Utilize the help from strangers who open
doors, pull out chairs, allow you to step to the front of the line or any other
courtesy that will make your day a little easier. For those people who are
in support of your pregnancy, be sure to take the time to send thank you cards,
make phone calls or accept their invitations from time to time to go out to a
restaurant or event. Never make them feel as if you are deserving of
anything and that they should do for you because you are family or their very
best friend. Remember they didn’t make the baby you and your mate did and
that baby is you and your mate’s responsibility not theirs. Someone may or
may not suggest a baby shower if they do great, if they don’t that’s great too;
therefore you won’t feel obligated to have to do something for them in the
future.
As for the men, your male family and friends may joke about your life
being over, give you a breakdown of how much it costs to raise a child, tell
you about every miserable experience they ever had with the mother of their
children, and much more. If you listen to enough negative comments from
enough people, you will begin to change toward your mate. You will begin
to find yourself blaming her for upsetting your world. You may even stop talking
to her and doing kind things. When you hear the conversation becoming
negative, ask them what they find is positive about being a parent. If
they can’t give you a straight answer, you need to be careful of those who
attempt to counsel you. A man who sincerely loves and appreciates his
family will be more than happy to provide wisdom on being a parent and will
offer to help you in any way he can as you anticipate the arrival of your son
or daughter. A man who is unhappy with how things turned out in his life
will attempt to cover it all up with banter. Everything is a joke,
negative or downright evil coming from his mouth. Meanwhile, just imagine
what his wife and children have to experience living with him. Eventually,
he will be the old man living by himself miserable secretly wishing he had a
better attitude about his family.
Being pregnant can be at times difficult, but women remember men can
also pick up on your symptoms too. Try to be polite to your mate and ask
him rather than order him to do things for you. Sometimes it is better
just to write a list of things down, post it somewhere so he can see it and
periodically reference the list when you talk. You both should make an
effort to find things on sale at flea markets, discount stores, classifieds and
any other place you may be able to save on items for baby. Think of ways
you can bring extra money to the household with little effort other than
getting a second or third job. In time those jobs will put an unnecessary
stress on the both of you and eventually someone will have to quit once the
baby is born. This is not the time to be apart from one another long hours
at a time; rather you should want to draw nearer to one another. When you
both see that each of you is making an effort to save money, the bond between
the both of you will strengthen because you are both working together toward a
common goal and that is caring for your newborn.
Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mothers Cry and manages the When Mothers Cry blog too.
Internet Romance Moving Way Too Fast? Book excerpt from Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues by Nicholl McGuire
"I know you are excited. You really want to meet this guy but you might want to slow down. Listen, you don't even know this girl! What's up with you, stop moving so fast?" family members and friend warn over and over again. Sometimes those admonitions grow old, because the truth is some loved ones are just meddlesome and have their share of personal hang-ups especially about Internet dating, but others are really concerned for your safety. If you or they have a history of dating violent women or men or lost a loved one due to domestic violence, it is understandable why they are protective of you.
Unchecked emotions will move you to do much for a potential date even when you don't know one's middle or nickname, a birth city or a mother's maiden name. So let us look at some of those Internet issues that most singles don't think about before thoughts of sleeping with a stranger come into play.
1. Distance
2. Work hours
3. Job related travel
4. Money woes
5. Religious differences
6. Spends a lot of time with family and friends
7. Ethnicity related issues
8. Problems with exes
9. Unhealthy habits
10. Unruly children
You most likely can add many more to this list, but these are just some of the common ones to think about and I will share some thoughts about some on the list as follows.
Long Distance Love
Let's say you are dating someone who lives a plane ride away, you will need much money to maintain a decent relationship. However, if you don't have the money, what do you think you will end up doing after a few months of dating? Either stop dating this person because it is getting to costly or convince him or her to start coming to see you or split the costs. You might also feel the need to live with him or her or vice versa to defray the expenses. It is never a good idea to cohabitate with someone because you like them and want to save money.
Opportunists
One fact we can't overlook when it comes to Internet dating are those individuals who are unhappy and looking for any way to be fulfilled. There are plenty of people going online just to find someone who they can date in a coveted state because they don't like where they live. Therefore, they need a connection that will help them move to the new location. If things take off, the opportunist will move in with the person while using him or her as a springboard to help them in the new town. Foreigners will marry to gain citizenship.
Workaholics
What about those long work hours that eventually leaves you little time to be together? Is an online date's schedule really going to be any different once you two start dating offline? Maybe in the beginning, but in time, the job will get in the way of the relationship. Most likely, that is why the workaholic is online seeking a partner yet again.
How about the one who is often traveling due to a "job," sometimes that excuse is untrue. If the person is doing much travel for the "job" when is he or she going to have time to work on a relationship with you?
What Does it Take to Make a Difficult Partner, Friend See the Light?
Whether you are dating this person, kin to him or her, or been with a partner for many years, it can be emotionally challenging dealing with someone who refuses to see the truth about a relative, partner, friend, or themselves. The person you like/love goes on about his or her way ignoring what you have said or acting meanly toward you because he or she didn't take too well to your feedback.
What is the truth? You probably shared the kind of statements that convicted a partner or friend mentally, physically or spiritually and he or she doesn't like you too much because of it. Truth brings you to an awakening, a realization that someone who you once worshiped, admired, respected, and more has something about him or her that is twisted, emotionally toxic, or physically controlling.
People who are in like or love with someone never want to see the light. So what does it take to make a person see truth and walk in it? Sometimes it takes distancing one's self from the troubled individual and moving on with your life. He or she will see truth when there is no distraction and when pain becomes much more frequent than pleasure.
I recall a time in my life that no matter what relatives and friends said about someone I was with, I refused to see anything wrong with him or her. I was emotionally and physically entwined. The man touched me in ways that others didn't. I felt he was there for me and was genuinely concerned about me, but boy was I wrong! Read Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate.
Once we discover that someone is no longer listening to wise counsel and rather proceed ahead in misery, it is always best to safeguard our hearts during the process. When we allow the individual and all that is connected to him or her to negatively impact us, we become caught up in their web of mess. Do you want that? Some well-meaning advisers wear their hearts on their sleeves and when they do that they also reap much. They become verbal and/or physical punching bags. Others find their money and time repeatedly wasted on someone who isn't the least bit interested in changing his or her evil ways. Who has time for that?
Nicholl McGuire is the blog owner and author of many books including: When Mothers Cry, Tell Me Mother You're Sorry, and Laboring to Love Myself.
What is the truth? You probably shared the kind of statements that convicted a partner or friend mentally, physically or spiritually and he or she doesn't like you too much because of it. Truth brings you to an awakening, a realization that someone who you once worshiped, admired, respected, and more has something about him or her that is twisted, emotionally toxic, or physically controlling.
People who are in like or love with someone never want to see the light. So what does it take to make a person see truth and walk in it? Sometimes it takes distancing one's self from the troubled individual and moving on with your life. He or she will see truth when there is no distraction and when pain becomes much more frequent than pleasure.
I recall a time in my life that no matter what relatives and friends said about someone I was with, I refused to see anything wrong with him or her. I was emotionally and physically entwined. The man touched me in ways that others didn't. I felt he was there for me and was genuinely concerned about me, but boy was I wrong! Read Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate.
Once we discover that someone is no longer listening to wise counsel and rather proceed ahead in misery, it is always best to safeguard our hearts during the process. When we allow the individual and all that is connected to him or her to negatively impact us, we become caught up in their web of mess. Do you want that? Some well-meaning advisers wear their hearts on their sleeves and when they do that they also reap much. They become verbal and/or physical punching bags. Others find their money and time repeatedly wasted on someone who isn't the least bit interested in changing his or her evil ways. Who has time for that?
Nicholl McGuire is the blog owner and author of many books including: When Mothers Cry, Tell Me Mother You're Sorry, and Laboring to Love Myself.
The Makings of a Bad Relationship
Are you noticing some things about your relationship that is just plain bad, not normal, or unhealthy? Listen up. You might be on your way toward a new life without even knowing it. When warning signs increase, doing for the other starts to decrease.
Love the One You're With -- You Can Do It
I didn't want to tell you this, but I think I will, you have got to get over yourself.
Why would I say such a thing, I don't know you. But what I do know is you are on this site, a relationship blog, hmm. I suspect you probably either had a past dating experience or a current relationship with someone that isn't or wasn't so nice. You might carry a bit of unforgiveness, hidden aggression, and a wish that the one you are with just might experience a taste of what he or she has put you through. If I'm wrong, forgive me, but if I'm right...yeah, I know the feeling. I have been there. But negativity, especially in relationships, simply makes you more negative. If you really want a relationship to work, you have got to rise above some things like forget about the yelling the other day, the partner forgetting to do something for you, and the past thing he or she did that you still hold against him or her. Remember, you made a connection with an imperfect human being--someone who will never live up to your standards--that is if you have any.
The more we self-examine, the more we realize that we can either deal with the cards we have been dealt in this game called, Life or change the game. I personally think nowadays it is simply too costly to keep jumping from one man or woman after the next, so changing might not be a good idea. Not only that, your youth begins to fade away sooner rather than later. Arguing, physically fighting, having children with multiple partners, working long hours to keep up with the family...all prematurely ages you just look at some of those heavily made up celebrities. All that makeup and costly clothes to cover over pain--another relationship bites the dust.
Sometimes it is just best to stay and work things out with someone who isn't so bad. The partner isn't beating you up emotionally or physically to the point that you need a therapist and a police officer. He or she has their share of bad days, but overall that one is a decent person. So why not keep loving your "babe, sweetie, love, shawty" rather than spend time fantasizing about others?
It doesn't have to be Valentine's Day or any holiday for love to be in the air, it should be everyday. Welcome this spring by learning to love the one you are already with.
P.s. Don't ponder on the dating apps--wishing to be a part of that world, from what I learned, you aren't missing out on anything!
Nicholl McGuire is not only the owner of this blog, but she ghost writes for various clients. Learn more about her and Nicholl McGuire Media.
Tips Dating Older Men, Dating Younger Women: 7 Mistakes Some Mature Men Make with Younger Women...
Tips Dating Older Men, Dating Younger Women: 7 Mistakes Some Mature Men Make with Younger Women...: He finds someone who he really likes, a younger woman, someone who looks like she could be his daughter. The more he spends time with her,...
Looking for Love in the Springtime
Looking for Love in the Springtime: Poetry blog for poet lovers. Enjoy the entertaining love poems of Nicholl McGuire Poet/Blogger/Author/Virtual Assistant
5 Unflattering Things Expectant Dads Need to Know About Their Pregnant Partners
5 Unflattering Things Expectant Dads Need to Know About Their Pregnant Partners: Parenting blog for families of multi-age groups - newborns, tweens, and teens. Basic facts on raising children. Tips on shopping for children.
Christians Single and Mingling - Dating Observations w/ speaker Nicholl McGuire
Check out blog owner's latest audio on Your Listen. Dating wisdom to make you think twice about some things you are doing or not doing. Does your date really want a relationship with you or vice versa?
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate: It's Not Over Once You Leave - Abusive Men, Women ...
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate: It's Not Over Once You Leave - Abusive Men, Women ...: We saw recently what one can do when a handgun is in the wrong hands. In the San Bernardino shooting involving an abusive husband and his ...
Sex Changes Your Life
You want change to happen in your life. You are tired of having
empty relationships with people. These dating experiences start off
well, but then once sex occurs rather than get better they cycle
downward. What happens between professing “I like you” and “I
love you” while having sex that make people act like fools! This
article explores the “why” and challenges you to think about why
you shouldn’t waste valuable years, like others you may know,
giving your “power” away to ungrateful, non-committed
individuals.
First, what does it mean to give your “power” away more specifically your “sexual power”? In all of us we are comprised of mind, body, and spirit. When we agree to have sex with someone who may not be someone that is right for us, we are giving various parts of who we are mentally, physically, spiritually (and when moving in together) materially. We falsely assume we will receive something in return for all the energy we have vested into the relationship. Unfortunately, for many of us we have given so much energy, feelings, thoughts, ideas, belongings, and other things away when we lay down with someone. Having sex makes us vulnerable and when we are engaging in it with the right someone we are mentally and physically charged just like powering up a battery for a car, toy or some electronic device once it’s going the object will do what it was created to do.
When we are powered up spiritually, we will do what we are supposed to do, people who don’t understand things from a spiritual level never seem to be charged up for the long haul, they run a sprint, but when they need to run for miles they give out and never make the finish line (ie. divorce, adultery, separation, abuse, etc.) Rather, they are always mentally and physically “tired.” Here are some examples of what these spiritually draining sexual beings will say, “I’m tired of sex this way…I’m tired of empty sex…I’m tired of sex with her…I’m tired of having to wait for sex…I’m tired of you asking me for sex…I’m tired of worrying over whether he is having sex with someone else.” Sex does sap your physical energy, but it doesn’t have to take away from everything else too!
Now while we are thinking consciously about sex, we are also thinking about it subconsciously and this is when we tend to make the most mistakes. We allow our subconscious mind to fantasize about the “use to” and the “hope to” rather than face the facts that the conscious mind gives us like “I know she isn’t always a nice person so she could just be acting this way because she misses sex with me…and I need more than just sex from him and I hope he realizes that.” If the subconscious mind says, “We are having sex…”and the conscious mind says “We are not, I rather wait” then that is when we get into trouble for sending “mixed messages” to others.
Let’s meet Sam, known for being a player in the neighborhood. He use to be an attractive, fit young man, but the years have taken their toll on old Sam and now he looks like he is a year or two from the grave. When you listen to Sam talk about his past, he brags about the many sexual escapades he had and how he “use to do… use to have…use to look like…”
Notice how often washed-up Sammy mentions “use to” in his conversations. The reason why he does this is because his past and his present is pitiful and to make him feel better about himself in the presence of most likely nice-looking you he will brag about the past. In fact, Sammy didn’t know how powerful he could have been back in his day if he allowed his spirit to override his flesh. Meaning that if he had a bit of self-control and wasn’t so anxious to see the next hot body naked, he probably would have had and kept a “good” woman that would have slowed old Sammy’s prematurely aging body.
Sam is what some would call an “old fool,” simply because he never bothered to sit down and create a plan for his life and actually live it out. Instead, as “the feeling” moved him he went with it. If the feeling was warm he would act on impulse, cold he would open up his black book to find someone to make him warm again. The problem was that everything in his life was affected by his sexual encounters. When he slept with a woman she would later ask for a commitment, he would make her feel like she was the one and then when another came along he would tell her the same.
Eventually, one of the two women would get smart to his game and unfortunately poor Sam has a few nasty scars on his body as a result of his cheating ways. Not only that his children aren’t in his life, friendships were broken, money was long spent, precious family heirlooms stolen due to Sammy’s obsession with sex and the few minutes of pleasure it gave him until the woman, game or both grew old then he had to find something else to fulfill him such as drugs, gambling, and alcohol. If Sam would have told the young men he was supposed to be mentoring the truth, he would say, “I messed up my life. I let the “little man” dictate major life decisions. Now I am old with no wife and no children who bother with me. I wish I knew my children and they knew me, but I messed up and I don’t want you to do the same.” But as mentioned before, Sammy is a player and those who aren’t about to get their player card revoked by the young players in the game will not admit their faults in life – for they have too much pride.
Now, women can’t be left out of this article. There are those Jezebels out there who think that all they have to do is decorate their selves up like a Christmas tree and life will be happy ever after. The truth is that often Jezebel is mentally and physically abused because of one thing, she like Sam, performed sexually without a “real” commitment and we aren’t talking about promise rings, engagement rings that rest on fingers for years, or a wedding date that gets postponed every time there is a challenge that comes up in the relationship. She justifies her mistake with, “Well I didn’t want to get married anyway.” The truth is that somewhere down deep in every man and woman’s spirit is the word “commitment,” because if it wasn’t why do we experience that envious feeling that comes over us when our partner says, “I am going out on a date…” although your “partner” is just “a friend,” “boyfriend,” “girlfriend,” or fiancé. Why do you wonder what they are up to, why call them hoping to find out details of where they have been, why say you like or love them, why even care about them if you could care less about a commitment?
So what if you don’t want to be like Sammy or act like Jezebel and you just want to be with a nice woman or man and “try” to live happily ever after, then don’t have sex until you know that you have a date in mind to tell your woman or man, “I love you and I am willing to spend the rest of my life with you this month on this specific date. We can have a wedding later, but a marriage as soon as possible!” Then you go down to the Justice of the Peace and make it happen. Even better, wait for sex which I know from personal experience can be extremely difficult! That’s right wait until he picks you up and drives you to the courthouse, wait until your mom and dad can help you pay for a “real” wedding, wait until he relocates to where you are, wait until your partner accepts God and actually walks the walk and talks the talk, wait until he is off of probation, wait until your children are living with the other parent, but wait! Whatever your wait is, do it! If you are a Christian, you may even say I am waiting on God – good for you! If more people waited at the stoplight until it turned green, there would be less car crashes. Whatever your red light is in your life at this moment, sit there and wait until you have enough signs that show green!
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and She's Crazy
First, what does it mean to give your “power” away more specifically your “sexual power”? In all of us we are comprised of mind, body, and spirit. When we agree to have sex with someone who may not be someone that is right for us, we are giving various parts of who we are mentally, physically, spiritually (and when moving in together) materially. We falsely assume we will receive something in return for all the energy we have vested into the relationship. Unfortunately, for many of us we have given so much energy, feelings, thoughts, ideas, belongings, and other things away when we lay down with someone. Having sex makes us vulnerable and when we are engaging in it with the right someone we are mentally and physically charged just like powering up a battery for a car, toy or some electronic device once it’s going the object will do what it was created to do.
When we are powered up spiritually, we will do what we are supposed to do, people who don’t understand things from a spiritual level never seem to be charged up for the long haul, they run a sprint, but when they need to run for miles they give out and never make the finish line (ie. divorce, adultery, separation, abuse, etc.) Rather, they are always mentally and physically “tired.” Here are some examples of what these spiritually draining sexual beings will say, “I’m tired of sex this way…I’m tired of empty sex…I’m tired of sex with her…I’m tired of having to wait for sex…I’m tired of you asking me for sex…I’m tired of worrying over whether he is having sex with someone else.” Sex does sap your physical energy, but it doesn’t have to take away from everything else too!
Now while we are thinking consciously about sex, we are also thinking about it subconsciously and this is when we tend to make the most mistakes. We allow our subconscious mind to fantasize about the “use to” and the “hope to” rather than face the facts that the conscious mind gives us like “I know she isn’t always a nice person so she could just be acting this way because she misses sex with me…and I need more than just sex from him and I hope he realizes that.” If the subconscious mind says, “We are having sex…”and the conscious mind says “We are not, I rather wait” then that is when we get into trouble for sending “mixed messages” to others.
Let’s meet Sam, known for being a player in the neighborhood. He use to be an attractive, fit young man, but the years have taken their toll on old Sam and now he looks like he is a year or two from the grave. When you listen to Sam talk about his past, he brags about the many sexual escapades he had and how he “use to do… use to have…use to look like…”
Notice how often washed-up Sammy mentions “use to” in his conversations. The reason why he does this is because his past and his present is pitiful and to make him feel better about himself in the presence of most likely nice-looking you he will brag about the past. In fact, Sammy didn’t know how powerful he could have been back in his day if he allowed his spirit to override his flesh. Meaning that if he had a bit of self-control and wasn’t so anxious to see the next hot body naked, he probably would have had and kept a “good” woman that would have slowed old Sammy’s prematurely aging body.
Sam is what some would call an “old fool,” simply because he never bothered to sit down and create a plan for his life and actually live it out. Instead, as “the feeling” moved him he went with it. If the feeling was warm he would act on impulse, cold he would open up his black book to find someone to make him warm again. The problem was that everything in his life was affected by his sexual encounters. When he slept with a woman she would later ask for a commitment, he would make her feel like she was the one and then when another came along he would tell her the same.
Eventually, one of the two women would get smart to his game and unfortunately poor Sam has a few nasty scars on his body as a result of his cheating ways. Not only that his children aren’t in his life, friendships were broken, money was long spent, precious family heirlooms stolen due to Sammy’s obsession with sex and the few minutes of pleasure it gave him until the woman, game or both grew old then he had to find something else to fulfill him such as drugs, gambling, and alcohol. If Sam would have told the young men he was supposed to be mentoring the truth, he would say, “I messed up my life. I let the “little man” dictate major life decisions. Now I am old with no wife and no children who bother with me. I wish I knew my children and they knew me, but I messed up and I don’t want you to do the same.” But as mentioned before, Sammy is a player and those who aren’t about to get their player card revoked by the young players in the game will not admit their faults in life – for they have too much pride.
Now, women can’t be left out of this article. There are those Jezebels out there who think that all they have to do is decorate their selves up like a Christmas tree and life will be happy ever after. The truth is that often Jezebel is mentally and physically abused because of one thing, she like Sam, performed sexually without a “real” commitment and we aren’t talking about promise rings, engagement rings that rest on fingers for years, or a wedding date that gets postponed every time there is a challenge that comes up in the relationship. She justifies her mistake with, “Well I didn’t want to get married anyway.” The truth is that somewhere down deep in every man and woman’s spirit is the word “commitment,” because if it wasn’t why do we experience that envious feeling that comes over us when our partner says, “I am going out on a date…” although your “partner” is just “a friend,” “boyfriend,” “girlfriend,” or fiancé. Why do you wonder what they are up to, why call them hoping to find out details of where they have been, why say you like or love them, why even care about them if you could care less about a commitment?
So what if you don’t want to be like Sammy or act like Jezebel and you just want to be with a nice woman or man and “try” to live happily ever after, then don’t have sex until you know that you have a date in mind to tell your woman or man, “I love you and I am willing to spend the rest of my life with you this month on this specific date. We can have a wedding later, but a marriage as soon as possible!” Then you go down to the Justice of the Peace and make it happen. Even better, wait for sex which I know from personal experience can be extremely difficult! That’s right wait until he picks you up and drives you to the courthouse, wait until your mom and dad can help you pay for a “real” wedding, wait until he relocates to where you are, wait until your partner accepts God and actually walks the walk and talks the talk, wait until he is off of probation, wait until your children are living with the other parent, but wait! Whatever your wait is, do it! If you are a Christian, you may even say I am waiting on God – good for you! If more people waited at the stoplight until it turned green, there would be less car crashes. Whatever your red light is in your life at this moment, sit there and wait until you have enough signs that show green!
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and She's Crazy
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So you haven’t been in a relationship that long and you are already being accused of cheating when you know you haven’t. Chances are you ar...
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Ever find yourself dating the same type of person over and over, only to end up frustrated, heartbroken, or completely drained? Maybe you’ve...
She's Crazy by Nicholl McGuire
Dating or married to an angry woman?