Why Your Boyfriend Talks To Everyone But You

When it comes to the things that matter in his life, you notice he is talking to everyone but you.  When exactly you noticed his behavior doesn’t matter, he could have suddenly acted this way or he could have gradually became distant.  All you know is that he is different and you need some help analyzing why, so that you can put your plan B into motion, that is if you have one.  So review the signs that follow then create a plan for yourself and/ or relationship that will bring you love and peace.

In the beginning of the relationship he was “all smiles” with you.  He shared stories of his daily events, how you made him feel, and future plans of how he hoped to spend life with you.  Nowadays he isn’t saying much more than a “hello” and a “goodbye.”  Here’s what may have happened.  Use this list of possibilities to start a conversation with your boyfriend.

He doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you.  There may have been moments where he said or did something that upset you in the past.  He may worry that you will “blow up” or say something that will hurt his feelings, so he rather keep to himself.

Someone started advising him about his life choices.  He could have met you at the bar, found a minimum wage job, failed to pay a relative back, got someone pregnant and didn’t care for the child, or did something else that someone felt they had to confront him about.  Don’t think for one minute men don’t share how they feel about their girlfriends or wives with other people.  A man always has at least one person, maybe as many as four or more people he consults with for advice on the things that matter to him the most: his girl, money, health and sports.  Whoever this person(s) is they have told him some things that have motivated him to do or not do something about the choices he has made in his life or made him feel guilty.  Whatever he has done, he is trying to figure out a way to fix it and he doesn’t feel comfortable talking with you about it, because it may involve you.

An ex came back on the scene.  She made a significant impact on his heart and mind in the past.  She may come back just to see how happy he really is and to shake things up a bit with questions such as “Do you still love me?  What if we would have never broken up?  I realize the mistakes I made, do you want to try again?  How about meeting me for lunch?”

He had disagreements with you that he couldn’t get over.  Some men will keep everything inside for fear of being viewed as “the bad guy.”  How people see them is more important to them, then sharing what they feel.  Rather than explaining to you what it is that made him change toward you, he will wait for you to pull it out of him.  Then later become more upset that “you made him angry.”  If he could have shared what was bothering him, then you wouldn’t have had to use extreme measures to extract information like yell your head off!

His friends have made him the butt of some of their jokes.  Single men are jealous of their married friends.  They will talk about all the benefits of being single in front of their friends, but at night when they are all alone, they will wish for a steady mate.  Your boyfriend may have been criticized for being smitten with you.  They may have accused him of “changing” or “not coming around as much” since you have come into his life.

He took out the calculator one day and saw you as an expense.  Business minded men with goals have a way of looking at the big picture.  When he decided to include some additional goals in his life plan, he figured that the money he was spending on you, he could be saving hence the change of attitude and heart.

He has a health issue that he isn’t ready to talk to you about.  His last doctor’s appointment may have included some news he didn’t want to hear.  Depending on his age, he may be going through a mid life crisis.  If he is in denial, then he can’t talk about it and if he isn’t then for some men, they won’t.

He cheated and now he feels guilty.  Struggling with trying to find the words to say and trying to make sense of those lustful feelings, he won’t be very talkative or maybe too talkative about everything but what is on his mind.

He has new interests, hobbies, and goals that are occupying his thoughts.  Taking up a new hobby or job is exciting and if he thinks that you aren’t that excited about his new venture, he’s not going to share any information about it.

His job or schooling has become increasingly more stressful.  No one likes to share feelings when they are stressed.  It takes time to unwind, process new feelings, and then talk about them.  In time, when he is ready he will share what he may be going through at work or school.  Be supportive.

He has learned something about you that he doesn’t like.  Hopefully you were honest about your life to him.  No one should have to tell your life’s story for you, but if they have then you may want to find out what he knows.

He either isn’t in love with you or doesn’t love you anymore.  To this all you can do is look out for yourself.  When you have created the opportunity for him to tell you how he feels and he doesn’t come clean, spends time blaming you, accuses you of “not allowing him to speak” or “that’s why I can’t talk to you,” and using other phrases to digress from the topic at hand, leave him be.  He isn’t worth wasting any more time.  Move on with your life and next time pay better attention in the beginning of the relationship to the following warning signs:  dishonesty about his past life, avoidance of topics that he would have to share how he feels, covers up who he is talking to or where he is going, protective of personal documents, and suddenly or gradually becomes distant (meaning not being intimate, conversing with you, buying gifts or doing anything to make the relationship better even after being told about the problems.)

The only way that you can get to the bottom of why your boyfriend doesn’t talk to you is to communicate.  Start off by sharing information with him about what you have noticed.  Tell him how it makes you feel.  Wait for a response.  If you don’t agree with what he is telling you, then say so.  Some men will say things just to pacify you or keep you from finding out what really bothers them.  Don’t allow him to make you feel like a trouble- maker.  When some men don’t want to talk, they make accusations and place blame just to upset you and get you off their back.  If things become too heated, retreat and come back another time.  However, if you have made many attempts to extract information and he still chooses to keep what really is bothering him to himself, then you will have to resort to giving ultimatums at the risk of ending the relationship.  Do what makes you feel at peace and don’t give up until you get what you want.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.

My boyfriend just shuts down @AllanaPratt

Why Your Boyfriend Talks To Everyone But You

When it comes to the things that matter in his life, you notice he is talking to everyone but you. When exactly you noticed his behavior doesn’t matter, he could have suddenly acted this way or he could have gradually became distant. All you know is that he is different and you need some help analyzing why, so that you can put your plan B into motion, that is if you have one. So review the signs that follow then create a plan for yourself and/ or relationship that will bring you love and peace.

In the beginning of the relationship he was “all smiles” with you. He shared stories of his daily events, how you made him feel, and future plans of how he hoped to spend life with you. Nowadays he isn’t saying much more than a “hello” and a “goodbye.” Here’s what may have happened.

He doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you. There may have been moments where he said or did something that upset you in the past. He may worry that you will “blow up” or say something that will hurt his feelings, so he rather keep to himself.

Someone started advising him about his life choices. He could have met you at the bar, found a minimum wage job, failed to pay a relative back, got someone pregnant and didn’t care for the child, or did something else that someone felt they had to confront him about. Don’t think for one minute men don’t share how they feel about their girlfriends or wives with other people. A man always has at least one person, maybe as many as four or more people he consults with for advice on the things that matter to him the most: his girl, money, health and sports. Whoever this person(s) is they have told him some things that have motivated him to do or not do something about the choices he has made in his life or made him feel guilty. Whatever he has done, he is trying to figure out a way to fix it and he doesn’t feel comfortable talking with you about it, because it may involve you.

An ex came back on the scene. She made a significant impact on his heart and mind in the past. She may come back just to see how happy he really is and to shake things up a bit with questions such as “Do you still love me? What if we would have never broken up? I realize the mistakes I made, do you want to try again? How about meeting me for lunch?”

He had disagreements with you that he couldn’t get over. Some men will keep everything inside for fear of being viewed as “the bad guy.” How people see them is more important to them, then sharing what they feel. Rather than explaining to you what it is that made him change toward you, he will wait for you to pull it out of him. Then later become more upset that “you made him angry.” If he could have shared what was bothering him, then you wouldn’t have had to use extreme measures to extract information like yell your head off!

His friends have made him the butt of some of their jokes. Single men are jealous of their married friends. They will talk about all the benefits of being single in front of their friends, but at night when they are all alone, they will wish for a steady mate. Your boyfriend may have been criticized for being smitten with you. They may have accused him of “changing” or “not coming around as much” since you have come into his life.

He took out the calculator one day and saw you as an expense. Business minded men with goals have a way of looking at the big picture. When he decided to include some additional goals in his life plan, he figured that the money he was spending on you, he could be saving hence the change of attitude and heart.

He has a health issue that he isn’t ready to talk to you about. His last doctor’s appointment may have included some news he didn’t want to hear. Depending on his age, he may be going through a mid life crisis. If he is in denial, then he can’t talk about it and if he isn’t then for some men, they won’t.

He cheated and now he feels guilty. Struggling with trying to find the words to say and trying to make sense of those lustful feelings, he won’t be very talkative or maybe too talkative about everything but what is on his mind.

He has new interests, hobbies, and goals that are occupying his thoughts. Taking up a new hobby or job is exciting and if he thinks that you aren’t that excited about his new venture, he’s not going to share any information about it.

His job or schooling has become increasingly more stressful. No one likes to share feelings when they are stressed. It takes time to unwind, process new feelings, and then talk about them. In time, when he is ready he will share what he may be going through at work or school. Be supportive.

He has learned something about you that he doesn’t like. Hopefully you were honest about your life to him. No one should have to tell your life’s story for you, but if they have then you may want to find out what he knows.

He either isn’t in love with you or doesn’t love you anymore. To this all you can do is look out for yourself. When you have created the opportunity for him to tell you how he feels and he doesn’t come clean, spends time blaming you, accuses you of “not allowing him to speak” or “that’s why I can’t talk to you,” and using other phrases to digress from the topic at hand, leave him be. He isn’t worth wasting any more time. Move on with your life and next time pay better attention in the beginning of the relationship to the following warning signs: dishonesty about his past life, avoidance of topics that he would have to share how he feels, covers up who he is talking to or where he is going, protective of personal documents, and suddenly or gradually becomes distant (meaning not being intimate, conversing with you, buying gifts or doing anything to make the relationship better even after being told about the problems.)

The only way that you can get to the bottom of why your boyfriend doesn’t talk to you is to communicate. Start off by sharing information with him about what you have noticed. Tell him how it makes you feel. Wait for a response. If you don’t agree with what he is telling you, then say so. Some men will say things just to pacify you or keep you from finding out what really bothers them. Don’t allow him to make you feel like a trouble- maker. When some men don’t want to talk, they make accusations and place blame just to upset you and get you off their back. If things become too heated, retreat and come back another time. However, if you have made many attempts to extract information and he still chooses to keep what really is bothering him to himself, then you will have to resort to giving ultimatums at the risk of ending the relationship. Do what makes you feel at peace and don’t give up until you get what you want.

Best Ways to Overcome the Breakup Blues

Breakups are never fun but they are often necessary to get to the place in life where you belong. Although you may believe that there are brighter days in your future, it does not make the present any less painful. You do not have to spend weeks locked in a dark room in order to overcome this obstacle. Here are ten baby steps to assist you out of your breakup rut.

1. Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia - Ok, so you don't want to go overboard with the indulgences, but go ahead and enjoy some good old fashion comfort foods.

2. Cry - There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a good cry. Let it out, scream at the universe, whatever gets it off your chest.

3. Treat Yourself - Go shopping, get a manicure, visit your favorite restaurant. Now is the ideal time to treat yourself well.

4. Bury the Nostalgia - It is not necessary to burn everything associated with your ended relationship, but tuck it away. Out of site and out of mind.

5. Rekindle Relationships - Call up some friends you may not have spoken with for a while. Sometimes friendships get neglected in these situations. Let your friends be there for you, both to lean on and as a distraction.

6. Avoid the Rebound - It is never a good idea to try and substitute one relationship with another. It is unfair to all parties involved.

7. Look for the Silver Lining - Focus on the good things. Look for any good thing, even the smallest will make a difference.

8. Volunteer - Move you focus outside of yourself. Doing good for others will boost your self-esteem and give you a good perspective on life. There is always someone out there that is going through something far tougher that what you are facing at the moment.

9. Be optimistic - Approaching life with a good attitude will radically alter the course of your life. Truly believing life will get better is a self-fulfilling prophesy.

10. Give yourself a Pep Talk - There is no person's voice you hear more often than your own. Talk your self through the hard times and you will be just fine.

Top Five Things To Do Instead of Nagging

Ladies, here is a news flash for you. You know this already, but I am officially confirming that men do not respond well, if at all, to nagging. If you want something from a man and you have been reduced to nagging him to get it, you stand a better change of a winning a snow ball fight in hell.
A reader of mine, who we will call Julie emailed me recently saying she was simply exhausted with trying to get her husband to help out with the housework. She admitted she was constantly nagging him, however, no matter how, or how many times she pleaded with him, nothing. He simply did not respond. Julie, who works full time and takes care of two children and the house has come to a breaking point. Although she isn't actually considering leaving, she is actually considering threatening him with a separation. Should she resort to threats??? NO!!! First of all, threatening to leave a marriage when you simply don't mean it is a huge mistake. Secondly, her husband probably wouldn't even hear her threat. He tuned her out long ago...

So, what's a frustrated woman to do if nagging isn't working, (and it never does)? Here are some other, hopefully more constructive and effective methods for getting through to your man.

1. Put your "honey do" list in writing. A short note or even an email will be better received. Men like lists of tasks. They like to check things off. They like to see they are making progress. Most importantly, they like having something to refer back to. Stick to the facts. Make a simple no frills to do list. Email it, or leave it for him where he will find it. Do not hand deliver it, as you will be tempted to explain to him why you are resorting to a written list. Simply leave it on the bathroom counter, sit back, and wait for results.

2. Ask him to work on something with you. "Honey, can you help me with the dishes? I want to hear about your day." Sure, it's not as effective as getting him to do it all himself. However, it's much more effective then you doing it alone, fuming and lonely.

3. Ask him once to do something, then don't ask again. The key to success is this. You don't do it either. After a week of no dishes getting done, your man is likely to respond to the visual Que of stacks of dishes piling up on the counter. Men are visual. He will get this. He will do the dishes. In the mean time, you may get some meals out.

4. Have a discussion about hiring help. "Honey, I'm feeling overwhelmed with all the housework. It's clear to me you are too. I don't want to nag or fight with you about it, so I have scheduled a few interviews with house help. The first one is next Wednesday. I would love for you to be here so you can help me decide who to hire..."

5. Stop nagging. Stop talking at all. Men respond to a woman's absence or silence much more then they do her talking. Eventually he will notice the absence of your voice, wonder what's up, and come looking for you. This will open a brief window for a conversation about whatever is bothering you.

Written by LISA HAYES

Love Revisited: Helpful Do’s & Don’ts For The Widow/Widower Embracing New Love

Is it possible to mourn the loss of a beloved spouse and, while still grieving, to not only meet someone special, but fall in love and begin to build a new relationship that includes a commitment to sharing your lives? Can we overlap our loving and our grieving? The answer is a profound: YES! But, to smooth the path, keep these helpful Do’s and Don’ts in mind:

• Do allow yourself the joy of healing and moving on.

• Do allow yourself to feel good when this happens.

• Don’t feel guilty. You have been respectful, loving and caring towards your late spouse. Time has passed. It is healthy to want your life to move forward. Try to recognize your emotions every step of the way and not shy away from inner scrutiny, or back off from facing your emotions.

• Do know that it is possible to combine families with adult children no longer living at home.

• Do know that it will not always be smooth sailing; there will be moments of arguments and disagreements to work through.

Commonly, jealousy, fear, abandonment and money issues come up, even for your grown children. Will he leave “her” in “his” will? Will he forget about us? Will he respect our grieving? Be aware that often even the adult child feels, “I am not ready for this.” I want my dad/mom to be happy but not so fast….I’m still grieving for my mom/dad; I’m not ready to think about a “replacement” for his or her love. It may be hard for children at any age to fully understand that the bereaved are lonely and, if the widow or widower had a good marriage, this can further motivate the longing for another partner. There is also the sense of urgency, i.e., “time is running out and life will not go on forever”.

Tactfulness, thoughtfulness, and consideration for the feelings of children of all ages are so important, as well as the understanding that fathers and mothers grieve differently than their children who have their own important timetable. One cannot hurry the process of your grief, your adult children leading their own lives, or that of younger children.

While you want your life to move forward, a sensitive and understanding parent needs to recognize and be especially responsive to the needs of children living at home; children who are grieving the loss of their mother or father. The child needs the "daddy" or "mommy" that’s left. They need them to be emotionally available. Equally important, children commonly have expectations that they have exclusive rights to this parent. Dealing with young children still at home, requires an added set of challenges.

• Do listen carefully to what your child is, and is not saying.

• Do not have a new partner or romantic interest stay overnight too soon.

• Do be sensitive about the messages that you are giving your children about this new person in your life.

• Don’t have someone spend the night until they are special in your life, so that your child doesn’t feel the emotional confusion of a string of overnight guests.

• Do continue to impart important values to your child, reinforcing that love is special. Remember your behavior as a role model for your youngster.

• Do understand that someone new entering your life is confusing for your child and may come along with resentments needing to be understood and dealt with.

• Do be aware that the children are smart and can resent a new “mother,” even if she is not posed as such.

Grieving adults are entitled to happiness. Yet the grieving family members may experience confusion, conflict and rage. “I want mom back.” “I never wanted her to leave.” I want you (as my parent) not to be alone….but I’m not ready for this. Sometimes, it can’t be articulated but felt.

Keeping the channels of communication open for discussion, dialogue and sharing of experiences requires listening, and not necessarily agreeing. Each party needs to be heard and wants to be understood. Joy is to be treasured; the challenge lies in working it out in a way that is respectful to all family members.

About the Author
Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T is the co-author with Gloria Lintermans of THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love, http://www.championpress.com. Visit with Gloria at: http://creativegrief.blogspot.com

Relationship Tune Up - 7 Key Points to Avoid a Break Up or Break Down

"Every three months or 3,000 miles."

That's how the sticker in the left upper corner of my windshield reads.

It's a matter of common knowledge that we are supposed to maintain, service, and tune up our cars if we want them to run well and last.

In my experience, it rarely occurs to us to do the same thing with our love relationships.

More and more of the couples I see are not in need of long term therapy, they are more in need of a short term relationship tune up.

7 Key Points

What first attracted you to each other? - This is the first question I ask most couples because it helps to be reminded that your partner has some great qualities that led you to want to be in this relationship.

What are some of the strengths of your relationship? - Instead of all the things that are wrong with your relationship, what I want to know is what are some of the strengths of the relationship upon which we can build in order to solve the problems with which they are struggling.

When have you been the closest? - One of the easiest ways to tune up your relationship is to do the things you were doing when you were the closest.

You may have noticed that the first 3 questions were all focused on positives in the relationship.

This is done on purpose. One of the dangers of traditional marriage counseling is a focus on what is wrong or defective with an individual or the relationship. One of the many benefits of relationship coaching is a focus on using the strengths in the relationship to build up the areas where the relationship is weak.

What are your partner's emotional needs and what are your own? - If you do not know, hear are the two crucial questions to ask:

1) In order to feel loved by me, what do you need to feel in our relationship?

2) What are some ways I can meet those needs?

What is your partner's love language and what is yours? - Some folks need to hear it, some folks need to see it, and some folks need to feel it.

How do the two of you "do conflict?" - Conflict in a relationship is inevitable. Fighting is optional.

What is your vision for your relationship? - Without a vision, a relationship can perish. Here are a few questions most couples never take the time to even think about, much less ask:

1) If we could design our relationship any way we wanted, how would we like it to be?

2) What goals do we have for our relationship?

3) What do we want to give, and what do we want to get in our relationship?

For more immediately useable tips and tools for your relationship, visit relationship coach Jeff Herring's interactive website at SecretsofGreatRelationships.com


Author: Jeff Herring

12 Things to Know Before Starting Your Next Sexual Relationship

These days you may find yourself pondering on having sex with your new friend. There is something special about he or she and you may be starting to fall in love. It is a wonderful feeling knowing that this person may be "the one", but do you really know him or her? What could you possibly be risking in the future by having sex now? The following tips may help you decide whether having sex right now is really a good idea.

1. Know the person's first, middle and last name.

Although this tip may seem obvious, you would be surprised at how many people have sex with someone and are unsure whether they have a middle name, what there last name could be and whether the first name is their birth name.

2. Find out where they were born, where they currently live and where do their closest relatives live.

Let's say an emergency occurs while you are with he or she and they are unable to speak. What would you say if the police asked you, "Where does your friend live and can you get in contact with his or her relatives? It would be very embarrassing if you couldn't answer these two simple questions.

3. Know more than one phone number to reach them, and an email address (if they have one.)

Think about the future. Many situations may arise and a secondary phone number may be extremely helpful. Whether you or they have a concern or need to be contacted by family and friends, people should know where to find you.

4. Ask questions about where they work and how long they have been employed.

The good times don't last for long, so it may be to your benefit in the future to know whether they are employed or not and where. If you ever have to serve them with court documents and can't reach them at home, you will be able to contact them at work. Worse case scenario, if you ever need help from the police, they will know where to find him or her. This is also helpful information to determine whether they are hoping to use you as a future meal ticket.

5. Find out when was the last time they visited a doctor and a dentist.

This is important for your own health and safety. Don't have sex with someone who can't seem to keep up with his or her doctor's appointments. They may have a disease that has yet to surface.

6. Be certain they are or aren't ready for a family.

Women have been known to get pregnant rather quickly in a new relationship simply because they may be more likely to let their guard down when they are attracted to a new mate. If you know you aren't ready for a family, take the initiative and bring your own contraception. This way you know it hasn't been tampered with prior to having sex.

7. Be prepared to reveal your sexual history.

When you start asking question about his or her sexual history, know that yours will also be called into question. Tell the truth. He or she doesn't need to know how many partners you have been involved or that you have been seeing a psychiatrist for sexual abuse, but he or she does have the right to know if you have a sexually transmitted disease. If you take the time to explain what you have and how he or she can protect themselves, you may be surprised he or she may still want to have sex. It is unfair not to tell. If you want a relationship built on trust and honesty, then tell the truth.

8. Encourage them to talk about the people they are most often in contact.

You can do this by asking the following questions: Who is their best male or female friend(s)? How often do they hang out with their friends? Where does he or she like to go? Do they keep in contact with old classmates from high school and college? Are they affiliated with any professional or social organizations? Do they go on business meetings with female co-workers, often work late and attend happy hour with his or her friends? The plan here is to find out how serious they are when it comes to a relationship. They may have friends they enjoy having a little more than an occasional lunch date.

9. Know whether he or she has been married before, divorced and has children.

He or she may have marital problems, but still live with their spouse. They may also be separated, but not officially divorced. What would happen if after you had sex, you decided you wanted to marry, but he or she is still married? If he or she has children, consider whether or not you want to be a future step-parent.

10. Ask questions about family history.

Make a note of patterns of alcohol, drug, physical and verbal abuse amongst the family as well as mental issues. There is a good possibility that he or she may be severely impacted by their family history. Also, you may want to consider asking questions about religious and political affiliations. You don't want to have a relationship with anyone who is unwilling to settle or compromise when it comes to your beliefs. Avoid unnecessary trouble in your life by seeking relationships that you know you will not have to change the things that you do and say that build your self-esteem and overall make you happy!

11. Be sure you have a good idea of his or her daily routine.

What is a typical day like for them? Do they usually work and come home the same time everyday? Do they visit their family through the week or on weekends? Are they outgoing or a homebody? How often do they eat and usually what time of day? What you are looking for when you are making observations are patterns. You don't want to ask too many questions that you could find the answers just by watching. The last thing you want is for them to make false assumptions about you. Part of getting to know someone is knowing what their schedule usually is like from one day to the next. This way if you begin to see a series of patterns that are different from the usual, you will be able to detect whether he or she is telling you the truth about their life when they aren't in your presence.

12. Notice the details of his or her vehicle such as the gas tank whether it is often full or empty and how much money he or she spends or saves.

When ever you get in his or her car notice if the gas tank is full or often empty, he or she either is forgetful or just doesn't have the money to keep the tank full. Observe the detail of the car and how it runs. A man or woman who can't maintain their only means of transportation is struggling with money.

Also, listen to the kinds of restaurants and entertainment facilities he or she suggests you both visit as well as places he or she may have traveled. You will be able to make the determination whether you have something in common. In addition, you will also learn whether you can afford to go out with his or her type.

When you take a moment to ponder these issues prior to sex, you will save yourself years of heartache. Think of how quickly you will be able to determine whether this person is irresponsible, a liar, flirt, gold-digger, an abuser, or other things that could cause future relationship problems. As you have heard, sex complicates the relationship particularly when you have it prematurely. You may learn more about this person simply by giving yourself time to observe his or her behaviors, know family and friends, and most of all build trust!

For more articles by Nicholl McGuire Click Here!

How to Know Your Boyfriend is Abusive

When a woman first meets a man she doesn't know his upbringing, the company he keeps, what he likes to do in his spare time and most of all whether he has a disease or not. She can only make a determination of the man's character initially by how he looks, his mannerisms, what he says and how he treats her and the people around them. As she becomes increasingly more interested in him, she begins to trust him and will gradually let her "guard down". She will buy him gifts, offer to help him with cooking and housework, impress his family and friends and take part in his interests. While she is growing a fondness for him, he may be ready to have a relationship with her, but struggle with a dark past in the process.

What is in this man's dark past that the woman is not aware? For some men, it is a pattern of abusive behaviors toward women. It may have started when he witnessed his mother being beat by his dad, a live-in boyfriend or someone else. There may have been a time that a woman sexually abused him. Other instances of abuse could have occurred to him by a controlling mother or some other female authority. Whoever or whatever the situation, the man is aware that he exhibits inappropriate behavior with women, but no matter how hard he tries he can't seem to stop. This man may have prayed, visited the local church, talked with friends, read books, saw a counselor, took drugs, etc. but for whatever reason he just can't seem to break the cycle. This unsuspecting new mate doesn't know what she is about to experience with this man unless she recognizes the signs early and gets out permanently.

Every relationship starts off similar to what was described in the beginning of this article. No one really knows what they are getting themselves into until later, but in time the darkness comes to light and it is up to the woman to get out of the relationship as quickly, safely and peacefully as possible. The signs don't always show up right away. When people who have not had similar experiences make comments such as, "Why didn't you see the signs?" or "Why did you stay?" Some women may have turned a blind eye to those signs, been too busy to really notice, felt comfortable with him because a relative or friend did similar things or simply didn't care because they didn't want to date anyone else.

The following is a list of signs to watch out for early in the relationship to determine whether the man has abusive tendencies or has abused women in the past.

Someone tells you or he admits that he has hit women in the past.

He refers to all women he has dated in the past with derogatory terms. He may also refer to his mother using such terms as well.

An extensive collection of pornography and videotapes some of which are violent. He may try to tempt you into trying sexual acts that go against your better judgment. If you object, he may threaten to do them with someone else.

He tells you of abuse he has witnessed or has been a part of toward women. When asked if he has ever sought counseling, he says, "No, I never felt I needed it." He may feel guilty about it and promise that he won't do it to you.

Finds fault with all your family and friends once you have confided in him about them or he has met them. Later, he will use what he knows against you in an argument. (More details on this in point 10.)

Shows up unannounced at your job, home, or places you visit (may lead to stalking). May offer to take you to any of these places on a daily basis so that you may grow dependent on him.

Calls you often wanting to know your plans and in some cases you may have already told him, but he may be checking to see if your story has changed. He expects you to call him wherever you go and will become angry if you don't.

He doesn't like who he is and makes regular references about himself as being "stupid," "ugly," "dumb," and asks you, "Why do you want to be with me?" He will also resort to name calling whether he is arguing with you or "just being funny."

He attempts to control money you have earned and abuses possessions that you have acquired. He often asks for financial assistance, takes over your car and tells you how you should conduct your household. He may encourage you to live with him so that he can further control you.

He threatens to commit suicide when you try to break up with him.

He threatens to kill you over anything from wanting to end the relationship to talking to other men.

When you object to negative behavior he has done in the relationship such as mention he is cheating, caught him in a lie, hold him accountable to a promise, etc. he pushes, shoves, kicks, bites, chokes, grabs, or performs any action such as these to control you. (Note: some men may not do any of this, but will use mental abuse such as place blame - make you feel as if you are going crazy, use sensitive stories you have shared with him to belittle or degrade you, talk negatively about your family and friends to make you feel as if you have no support system.)

When he is angry with you he keeps you in a room with no access to a phone. He may lock you in the room.

If he doesn't like how you are acting around others whether it is being too friendly, talkative or affectionate, he will make false accusations to insight an argument so that he has an excuse to verbally or physically assault you. His attempt is to get you to "behave." Another attempt at controlling you. For many women this tactic works over time, particularly if you are dependent on him financially and/or physically.

When you want to visit with a friend, go out to the movies or some other past time, he oftentimes vehemently objects or he uses tactics to make you feel guilty so that you will stay home.

He will try to convince you that he is sorry for what he has done and will never do it again, only to do it again, and again.

Every man who has a history of abusing women knows the kind of mental struggles they contend with behind closed doors. Recalling when a female authority figure such as their mother was abused or his self. They remember how devastating it was to witness and/or experience such violent behavior during their childhood. Yet, some men rather than handle the pain positively, will encourage the hate they have toward women, using them for their own desires and then abusing them when they don't comply. Without mental help, some men will emulate the male mentors that were around them. If they witnessed a man they looked up to hurt women, then they may do the same things. This is one of the main reasons why women must remove their children out of an abusive relationship otherwise their children will only repeat the same behavior later in life.

For more articles by Nicholl McGuire,Click Here!

How to Avoid Loving Someone More Than You Love Yourself

It happened again. You loved someone more than you loved yourself and now rather than this person walking out of your life, suddenly they died. Now of course this is a scenario that hasn't yet happened to most of us, but what if it did happen? What if everything you ever did or said with this person became nothing more than buried six feet deep in the ground? How would you move on?

Do we ever really give thought to something so serious when we are enjoying the company of our mate, most likely no, but we should. We need to step back and look at how much of who we are is wrapped up into our mates. For those of you who are spiritual, you know that God has a way of giving and taking away without explanation. So now it is time to reflect and begin to take action that will make us more self-reliant and protective of our hearts.

1. Ask yourself how much time are you spending with this person?

2. What have you gave up to be with this person?

3. What do you do with your free time when this person isn't around?

4. How do you cope when this person is ill?

5. Do you have any personal hobbies or interests that don't involve this person?

6. Do you ever go anywhere on a regular basis without this person besides work?

7. Are you giving more to him or her than you are receiving such as physically, mentally and spiritually?

8. Are you getting anything from this person in return daily, weekly, monthly that is making you a better person overall?

9. Do you feel after talking or visiting with this person you are mentally or physically drained?

10. Can you survive without him or her if she suddenly died?

Once you have answered these questions honestly, then think about the answers you gave. If any answer included descriptive words like "always, alot, much, many" and similar words, then you need to ask yourself other questions, "Is there any balance in my relationship with this person?" and "Am I really giving myself space to relax and meditate or are they taking up all my personal time?"

Everyone needs some time to think without interruption. Make the time alone to examine what your life's purpose is and what you can do to make a difference in this world. Your world should not revolve around another person, place or thing. As with everything, eventually we grow weary and burn out particularly if we are not happy with ourselves and the choices that we have or hadn't made. So be sure that you are in a healthy, stable relationship that even if he or she dies today or tomorrow (or you should die today or tomorrow) that neither of you have a Romeo and Juliet kind of relationship. There is so much to living besides loving and serving one person.

For more articles by Nicholl McGuire, Click Here!

Ten Internet Dating Tips

The following tips will help you with your quest to find someone who is right for you online.

1. When reviewing the photos of people on social networking sites, be sure that you don't pick someone who is seen in all his or her photographs smiling with their mouth closed, wearing a hat, sitting down, wearing an unusual amount of makeup, or standing behind someone or something. This person is obviously trying to cover up their hidden flaws. They may be balding, obese or very short, have terrible looking teeth, covering up birthmarks, freckles or pimples or they may have some kind of handicap.

2. If you should find someone who has done this in all there photographs, ask them in your email to send you a recent photo. Now he or she may not have one, but give them enough time to get one taken. If they are always coming up with an excuse, move on.

3. Don't rush to ask for phone numbers. If you find that you are anxious to speak to this person over the phone, think about why. Is it because you haven't had sex in awhile, you are just curious about his or her voice, and/or he or she is saying all the right things in their emails? Whatever the case, write as much as you like until you are comfortable with the answers you are receiving and that you honestly care for this person. (If they seem as if they are putting you off, not responding to email in a timely manner or answering all emails with little or no detail, move on.)

4. Be sure when you are writing your first emails to them that you aren't getting "too serious". Don't get into your desires of being married and having children right away or writing a history of every Tom, Dick and Harry or Jane, Mary and Tina who ever broke your heart. Find out what their likes and dislikes are, what they enjoy doing daily, where do they like to go, what kind of hobbies they love, how do they feel about their job, family, and friends. In later emails, you may want to bring up the serious topics in such a way that would not make them run for the border. For instance, when asking about a mental condition, you may say that you read somewhere how most mental illnesses are genetic and that you found out from a friend that he is bipolar (don't make up a lie, but use a true case.) Do they know of anyone who has suffered from the disease?

5. Don't forget to spell check your emails. Many educated people who can spell well, frown at emails that are riddled with spelling and grammatical errors. Be sure to read over what you write aloud. This helps when you are trying to find out if you communicated your point well.

6. There is no set time on how long you email back and fourth, so don't set a limit of how long you will do it. He or she may have other email pals or gals, but don't let that push you to ask for a date sooner rather than later. Sometimes those other email pals or gals are in a rush to meet and then ultimately hang themselves being disrespectful, pushy, lying, cheating etc. It is better to play the best friend or confidante role to get what you want long term rather than the one night stand.

7. Remember in your emails to acknowledge birthdays and other holidays. Ask about family and friends by name (if you know any.) It makes the receiver feel like you have been thinking about them and sincerely care.

8. When he or she feels like they can trust you, you may want to send them something special in the mail. Reassure them that you wouldn't surprise them on their job or at home, but that you just want to send them something nice. If they aren't ready to share their address, don't take it personal just say, "Maybe next time."

9. Now that you have survived the email relationship, you may want to ask for that all important date. Start the email off by saying how much you enjoyed writing, but you would like to exchange phone numbers. If they say no, be patient, at least you know that they will be thinking about it. The reason why it is a big deal for some people is they feel if they talk with you on the phone that eventually it will lead to something more and if they aren't ready they don't want to lead you on.

10. When you set up the date, time and meeting place, be sure to leave a note in your apartment and tell someone close to you where you will be going. Better yet, if you can have someone at your home to take a photo of the two of you or glance at the license plate of his or her vehicle, you will be playing it safe.

For more advice by Nicholl McGuire, Click Here!

Dating a Victim of Domestic Violence? What You Should Know and How You Can Help

Her abusive boyfriend from the past cheated, lied, robbed, raped, abused, and misused her. When you first laid eyes on this gorgeous woman, the last thing you thought was you would be inheriting her wounds from yesteryear. Yet, you did and now you feel at times stuck with both his and her mess. You aren't ready to break up with this woman you love, but you can't see a future with her either. So what do you do about this past baggage that tends to show up on days that you think everything is perfectly okay? The following tips should help you get some peace of mind, reach a decision about the relationship, and help you help her to heal.

There is a big difference between a woman who calls herself a victim of domestic violence and one who calls herself a survivor. The survivor most likely has evolved from her experience and shows no signs of having ever been a victim. She has received the support she needed to move on and has taken the necessary changes to live her life to the fullest. However, a victim has not, will not, or doesn't know how to get pass the experience. She may even still call herself, "a victim." Somehow she continues to play the victim in her words and actions with every challenge that comes before her. She hasn't bothered to get the help she needs, and you may be her only counselor.

Women who have been abused don't necessarily get over everything they have gone through in the past. Some of the residue still remains. She may have some strange behaviors that tend to pop up every now and then. If he robbed her, she is possessive about her belongings. If he raped her, then she may have sexual problems. If he choked or smothered her, she may have problems sleeping at night or you touching, staring, or standing over her her while she sleeps. If he lied about his whereabouts a lot, then she will be bothered when you don't say where you are going and how long you will be gone. If he cheated, then she won't trust you when you say "...that woman is just a friend." If he kept her from seeing or talking to family or friends, then she now feels obligated to tell them everything and not pass up an opportunity to attend a family gathering. If he expected her to report to him about everything she does, then she may tell you more than you ever needed or wanted to know or do the complete opposite and appear secretive. If he beat her, then she may flinch if you playfully try to grab her. These are only a small list of some of the things that trigger her misunderstood behaviors.

She may also have some phobias as a result of being in such a life threatening relationship. She may be afraid to go to certain places, avoid certain people and discussions that remind her of her abuser. She may have trust issues because of the many times her abuser violated her. She may not be as affectionate as other women you may have been involved. She may also have problems with budgeting because her abuser may have been very controlling with the finances or she may be domineering about the finances herself. There will be those times that she will appear very strong-minded and other times where she will be extremely sensitive over the simplest of issues. However, despite all of these issues, many women who have been in abusive relationships do well in society. They find the strength to get over many personal obstacles and oftentimes help others see things in relationships that their relatives and friends may have otherwise overlooked.

Going back to the issue of trust, your partner isn't always mindful of her trust issues. You may think that she is deliberately making your life a living hell with all her questions, but some women do this without thinking. They may not have been "called out" on their insecurities prior to meeting you so how do you expect her to be self-aware? If she calls you too much to "check up on you" then say so and let her know you won't always be available to answer her call, if it makes her feel better, let her know when you will be available to talk. If that still doesn't help, and you just so happen to miss calling her, remind her that she should be treating you like how she wants to be treated. Disrespecting you will not be tolerated no matter how many times she tried to call you and you weren't available.

Too often men put themselves in situations that call their character into question such as going out with other women without telling the woman they have made their partner, hiding details of their whereabouts, not being available emotionally, making important decisions without their mate, lying when asked simple questions, etc. When you are with someone who has had an abusive background, she will be more sensitive to what you are doing than most women, because she most likely dealt with these issues with her abuser. You can be a big help to her emotionally by doing two simple things: keep promises and be honest. Let her know what your relationship boundaries are before you think about committing to her for the long-term. An example would be telling her that you don't want the kind of relationship where she acts like your mother rather than a girlfriend. Then list specific examples of the behaviors that are turning you off.

Communication is important in any relationship regardless of what type of experience someone has had prior to entering a new relationship. Without it, you will have trust issues, arguments, repeated break ups and so on. As soon as an issue comes up that bothers you, talk it over in a respectful manner. If she loves you, she will respect you and if you love her you will return the respect.

Being with someone who has been abused requires some degree of patience. You will have to allow her to get to know you through her making mistakes. She may have forgotten that you don't like a certain thing she does, forgive and forget. She may have checked up on something you said you had completed, don't be so easily offended. Be open to mistakes and allow her to learn from them. If you find that she is consistently doing something that is robbing you of feelings for her, then before you break up with her, talk to her about it. See if she can meet you half way, and then sit back and watch her behavior to see if anything changes, if not, then you will have to make the decision to end the relationship. Don't create a scene or do something to get her to break up with you, the last thing you need is a domestic violence situation yourself.

Some formerly abused women tend to be overbearing at times. This may be due to feeling powerless in their past abusive relationship. They want things to go their way, they expect others to do what they say when they say it, they yell instead of talk, and most of all they can be extremely demanding, because they are hard on themselves due to someone being hard on them. When you find your mate is acting this way, once again you will have to talk to them about how it makes you feel, ask them to stop certain mannerisms, and if you are not living with them at the time, don't. Until she understands how you feel about her behavior and have made some serious changes, you will not want to live under her rule. These women have not allowed themselves enough time to heal and they are better off living alone.

Another major concern about women who have not healed from their abusive past is that they may be hiding the fact that they may be equally abusive. Some women turn into abusers themselves. She may have cut herself, threatened to hurt you in some way. If she has children or a pet, you will be able to see signs of whether she is abusive to them. If the children and pet tend to act afraid of her, most likely she has been violent toward them. Look for recent bruises and scars on the children along their face, neck, arms, and legs. Watch how the animal walks, he may have been repeatedly kicked by her and the children. If you are in her home, look for damaged walls and furniture. Sometimes children are responsible for the mess in the home, and if so, then ask yourself the question, "Why would the children ruin the house?" They may be affected by the past or the past is still going on and she just hasn't said anything about it.

Not every woman who has been in an abusive relationship has gone through professional counseling. So be mindful of how she reacts when put under stress, the way she talks to you, and how she handles conflict. If you don't pay close attention to the warning signs, then you will be inheriting an abuser yourself along with her abusive children. Instead of being her lover, be a friend and direct her to some help and if you are spiritual, pray for her and invite her (and the children) to your church, but whatever you do, don't make her feel ashamed for what she has done, belittle, or disrespect her, she has already had enough of that kind of behavior from her abuser.

Nicholl McGuire maintains other blogs including: Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and Tips Dating Older Men, Younger Women