When one is in love there are no
color issues. He or she only sees a
person who is kind, considerate, loving, sweet, beautiful, and everything he or
she has wanted and more. They couple
might fantasize about getting married one day and having children. It’s easy to feel this way behind closed
doors, sitting in a car with steamy windows, or living in a neighborhood where
people don’t think twice about an interracial couple. However, what happens when you make your pledge
of love to your significant in front of God, family and country?
Not everyone will be celebrating
your new relationship. Some will smile
in your face and talk about you and your mate behind your back. To this statement, most couples will say, “So
what?” Family and friends’ reactions to
your news may not bother you when you don’t need them, but what happens when
daddy is the one who is in control of your trust fund, mommy is paying for your
college, and your grandparents have been babysitting your children from a
previous relationship while you have your fun?
Things are going to get interesting when they don’t approve.
Why is it that some people don’t
approve of interracial relationships? To
answer this question simply, they are fearful of the unknown or what they have
heard. If you know nothing about a race
of people and they look, possibly smell and talk different than you, it isn’t
easy for everyone to embrace them right away.
Worse yet, if those who are close to you do know something about a
particular race of people based on what someone told them or a negative
experience they may have had with a single person or group, they may not have
gotten over it. Of course, that isn’t
your problem, that is theirs, but it will become your problem if you rely on
them or if you choose to have children later in life. You will have to relinquish the power they
may have over you such as relying on their money and be mindful of what they
may say negative to your children due to their ignorance. Take a moment to reflect back on the things
they may have said when you were a child about other races, not everyone
changes with time.
The following tips may assist you
with breaking the news about your interracial relationship if you haven’t
already and how to react to any negativity you may experience afterward.
Be sure to be on one accord with
your mate before you meet one another’s families. In other words, if you two already have
personal challenges in relating to one another due to cultural differences, you
need to get those issues handled. Learning
new things about someone and how they handle debates is hard enough, then you
throw in an upcoming meeting with potentially ignorant individuals and that
could be disastrous. Know each other and
discuss how you both will deal with negative comments, jokes and questions as a
team, not as individuals. Family and
friends will be observing whether the two of you really have a united front or
are you two just temporarily lusting after one another.
Ask questions that you hadn’t
thought to talk about with your mate before you visit family and friends. If you heard something about a type of food
his or her culture supposedly eats, find out if that information applies to
them. For instance, there are African
Americans that don’t like watermelon and Chinese people who rather eat a
McDonald’s hamburger then a bowl of rice.
Never assume anything, always ask questions.
Tell a few big mouth family
members or friends in advance before you come to their home with your
mate. They will be sure to spread the
news like wildfire. You don’t need to
use your mate to shock anyone, sometimes people aren’t careful what they say or
do when their nerves are shocked. Avoid
the game playing or assumptions that everyone is okay with your new love’s skin
color.
Curious men and women may be bold
and ask very private questions about you based on stereotypes, be prepared to
avoid the topic if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
Stares are common when people
aren’t use to seeing two different races as partners. Discuss how it makes you feel with your
partner. Talk about how you both may or may not deal with it and if it doesn’t
bother you, then be sensitive to your partner’s feelings about the stares. Research new places to go where neither of
you will feel uncomfortable.
Be prepared for any personality
changes toward you and your mate from the people you know. Some may have called you more often before
the news, now they may start to begin to make less and less phone calls. Others may not want to hang out with you
anymore. This behavior is unfair, but it
happens; therefore, don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. If you are willing to make sacrifices for
love, then closing the door on certain relationships just may have to happen.
The ultimate confrontation is
bound to happen when someone decides to boldly tell you why you shouldn’t be
with him or her. Be bold back and stand
your ground. No need to explain why you
love he or she to this ignorant person.
Instead, turn the conversation back on the one making the statement, ask
he or she (in a concerned voice rather than a snippy one,) “Why does my dating
outside of our race bother you so much?”
Hear what they have to say.
Afterward either politely excuse your self from them or walk away,
rather than argue. Consider what he or
she has just said. Did they make a valid
point? If not, throw the negativity out
of your mind.
The threats to take away what is
rightfully yours are often used by family to get you to behave the way they
want. Don’t fall in this trap! If you sincerely love your mate, material
things will not matter. Yet, if your
mate seems to think more highly of your pending trust, property or some other
asset you own more than you do, you will have to question whether he or she is
really in the relationship for you or for what you have.
The “think
about the kids” argument is a point that is often raised by ignorant people who
don’t like interracial dating. Your
biggest concern won’t be with the school your children will attend in the
future; instead it will be with the ignorant grandparents, aunts or
uncles. If you plan on having people who
think this way around your children, you may have many problems to contend with
in the future particularly if one of the children looks more like one race over
the other. Issues of favoritism,
negative remarks about skin tone and hair texture, unflattering comments about
body type as well as a host of other issues may come up from relatives that may
potentially influence your child.
Be aware of
those who seem a bit too supportive.
They are the ones who smile at you both in your faces, then stare at you
weirdly behind your back. They will tell
you about someone they once considered dating outside of their race and found
some excuse not to see them. Meanwhile,
they have regrets about their decision and may secretly be jealous of you and
your mate. Eventually it will be
revealed to you how they really feel about your dating interracially by what
someone will tell you or how they may act around others when talking about
you. Be careful, don’t reveal much about
your relationship to them and no matter how tempting you may feel to want to
share your frustrations about the family, don’t. They will only go back to everyone and tell
what you talked about adding fuel to the fire.
Overall, when
you choose to announce that you are seeing someone outside of your race, don’t
do it for shock, rebellion or other selfish reasons. Rather, know that you are in love with your
significant before you tell everyone. Be
willing to make additional sacrifices that you wouldn’t have to make if you
stayed with someone in your own race.
Remember the keys to any relationship running its course for the rest of
one’s life is to be willing to compromise, communicate, listen, understand, and
most of all love. Without any of these
components, you won’t have much of a relationship and will only further
complicate matters when you date interracially for all the wrong reasons.
Nicholl McGuire is the author of She's Crazy and Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.
