Wednesday

10 Signs a Date is Too Old, Tired and Lazy for You - Cut Off Bad Dates this New Year

Some young women make their lives complicated by dating men that they are clearly not compatible with, but due to money, fame, power, daddy issues, or something else they will remain in unhealthy unions.  Make this new year a start in the right direction, choose your dates wisely!


When one feels like she is just not connecting with an older date, she will want to consider that the age gap relationship just might not be something she is still interested in continuing.  People don't get any younger and unfortunately the older we get, the more issues we have.  If you are a young woman who wants more out of life, you might want to reconsider dating a mature man with issues such as, being tired and lazy often.  Many older men have low-T or testosterone challenges.  However, lucky for some of you readers, you may not be in too deep with your mature partner; therefore take notice of signs early on that a tired, lazy older man just might be pretending to be something that he is really not.


1.  His idea of a good time is always at home in front of a television screen.
2.  He has little patience for story-telling.  His eyes wander and he rarely reacts to what you are saying.
3.  He is often forgetful and seems to blame people, places and things for his absent-mindedness.
4.  He pretends he is having a good time in the presence of people younger than him, but subtle signs like: deep sighs, complaints i.e.) loud music and talking, visible irritation on his face, and impatience obviously shows he is not enjoying the company of young people.
5.  He seems to communicate and get along with your older relatives more than he does with you.
6.  He often criticizes you and finds fault with you even when you are in a good mood.
7.  He mentions something negative about your age and at times attempts to insult your intelligence.
8.  He doesn't cook or clean after himself unless he feels he has to or is in the mood to do it.
9.  He sits on his behind far more on any given day than he ever walks.  The television is on for hours!
10.  He doesn't appreciate anything that isn't in his age group and will speak negatively about the accomplishments of those younger than him.  At times, these men tend to be competitive unnecessarily attempting to prove they are still young i.e.) participating in activities that they are no longer good at (if they ever were).


When the writing is on the wall, a young woman has a choice she can either stick it out and hope for the best or do something different.  If she chooses to stay with her older partner, in spite of knowing what she has in a man, she might become resentful and go from being that nice woman he first met to a bitter you know what.  Take your pick.


Nicholl McGuire

Tuesday

How Do You Know a Bad Relationship will Get Better?

A relationship that has some light at the end of the tunnel just might survive.  But how do you know if there is any light/hope/better days? 


1.  You and your partner will finally make up in your minds to stop the foolishness.  Anything or anyone who keeps bringing trouble to your relationship will be cut off, cut out, or cut back.


2.  When you look in the mirror and recognize the error of your ways, you come to the understanding that you must do something.  The self-reflection haunts you like a bad memory and you can't seem to shake it until you start doing something.


3.  You or your partner will start seeking out counsel in media and elsewhere for whatever is upsetting the relationship.  You will actually start implementing the advice given to you.


4.  When you make necessary adjustments that have been hindering progress based on what your partner has told you about yourself, you are well on your way to a better relationship.


5.  When your partner comes to the realization to stop blaming and start changing, he or she is still in it for the long haul.  Sometimes you see this when he or she apologizes, cries, and works hard to do some things differently.


There is hope for those couples who are in a downward spiral, but those who have no desire to make it work anymore might stick around for awhile (just after the New Year), but once their minds are made up, they aren't staying.


Nicholl McGuire

Marriage Mistakes: Sleeping on the Issues


Sunday

Educated, Prideful, and Argumentative - Single Women Alone, Miserable

Some women don't want to hear the truth.  They rather falsely believe they are "good" women and the men who walked out on them, divorced, found someone else, or did other things were all bad.  They take no responsibility for driving men away, to the bottle, to the dating website, and elsewhere.  They refuse to correct destructive attitudes, bad habits, and more.  When you think of some of the most educated, prideful, articulate speaking, and argumentative women in your family, what do you see?


In the past, I saw my share of hen-pecked men, those who weren't as educated as their partners and didn't make nearly as much as them, sit quietly in the foreground and do as they were told when called upon.  The women berated, threatened, and even hit them behind closed doors.  These were men who cheated on these women in the past, got laid off temporarily, lost jobs, had part-time hustles, or simply made less money then their women. On the other hand, there were those men, who made more money than their wives, but were just as dominating, if not abusive, at times.  However, due to the topic of this article I will not go into detail about the hen-pecked men, rather let me direct you to an article I wrote on my Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate blog, see here.


Now back to these women, who take no responsibility for the demise of their relationships due to a self-centered spirit filled with pride and argument, it is unfortunate that so many don't see the errors in their mannerisms.  If you argue with any man long enough, throw around some big words, and act as if you know more than him (even if it is true), at some point he is going to weary of you.  Some reading this, are not guilty of such behavior.  They know their men well and they also want to keep a quality relationship with them without rocking the boat.  For now, they are not chasing after dreams that will further burden the marriage and household budget while there is no guarantee one will be satisfied or even find work after numerous classes and bills.  There is a time for everything and sometimes planning to go in a direction that is not feasible for the moment just isn't it. 


I think of all the women who may have did well doing everything they ever wanted while marriages suffered, children were not cared for as well as they should have been, but they got the degree, the big house, the car, and more--wow!  (I know firsthand, because I started on that path).  But their attitudes are poor, spirits are sold out for money, and they are unhappy and lonely.  They awake alone, they live in a large house alone, they drive vehicles alone (or with children), and they sleep at night alone.  Was all the degree chasing, overtime working, disrespecting one's husband/boyfriend during disputes, dropping children off here, there and everywhere, bragging to family and friends about wealth, and the greed for more time to chase dreams really worth it?


I think of the man in a relationship right now who wants out and he is waiting for the day that he will yell from the top of his lungs how much he despises his wife or girlfriend since she started pursuing her selfish dreams.  Things she should have done before she decided to get involve with him and have sex and create babies--now she is playing catch up.  Unfortunately, the dream-chaser connected with a man who didn't want the career-driven type of woman.  Yet she changed and so did her attitude, now she resents her choice in a mate. 


People change and so do relationships and when you know you can't handle the tidal waves, you don't stand there and get swept away by them.  Some couples simply can't withstand all the stuff that suddenly comes with one or both i.e.) relocations, job loss, family business, pursuit of college degrees, new baby, new job, home purchase, etc.  There are those individuals who have little patience, time, energy, and compassion for mates much less the goals, aspirations and dreams that come with them. 


This is why one must choose his or her mate wisely and act like a prophet, attempting to foresee the future.  What type of person am I getting involved with?  Is this person headstrong, stubborn, and has unaccomplished goals?  Will he or she be flexible when it comes to what I want to do in my life?  How has he or she responded to little changes and how might he or she react to big change?  Notice the look on your partner's face and his or her mannerisms when you announce doing something new or sharing a dream.  The moment you notice opposition when it comes to pursuing something you always wanted to do, mark that person as one of the individuals that may not want to be a part of the next chapter of your life.  Converse with him or her, ask how he or she feels, and don't expect the individual to be supportive especially if the family is already overwhelmed with responsibilities.


Nicholl McGuire shares more of her work and other useful material at When Mothers Cry the blog. 

Saturday

Past Unresolved Relationship Issues Can Get in the Way of a Happy Future

As much as many of us in current relationships would not want to admit how the past has affected our present and possibly our future, it did.  Whether the past was a bad break up, financial loss, death, or something else, upon careful reflection, we learned that much of our issues to date in a relationship have to do with past decision-making.


You might have made a choice that is now costing you much year after year.  You may have assumed that a current partner would be all-too-understanding about an ex-partner and your children, but really isn't, or was okay about how many hours you work daily, but now shows signs he or she is a hindrance to progress.  Whatever the issue, it is a disappointment once you discover that if you don't change certain habits, make necessary adjustments, or do whatever it takes to maintain peace in a relationship that it most likely will come to an end.


Sometimes a selection in a mate is detrimental to one's future, because we saw something in that person that reminded us of someone from the past.  Therefore, the ghost of one's past shows up in our choice of a present partner and might negatively impact the future.  Once this is discovered, most individuals typically want out of the relationship.  We are turned off with the idea that we are with an ex all over again.  The point of dating someone new was not to keep an ex's memory alive, but to rid ourselves of the past.  But when one had a good experience with an ex, it can be hard to distance his or herself from a familiar person.  Those who are Christians know from biblical passages to be cautious of familiar spirits.  When one reminds you of others this is usually not a good sign. 


When relationship challenges increase and you know you are at fault, it would make sense to reflect on what you are saying or doing that is disrupting the flow of the relationship.  Most issues can be resolved, but far too many couples are unwilling to make needed changes.  As a result, they find themselves often arguing over the same things that should have long been dealt with.  Past issues will affect the present and possibly the future.


Nicholl McGuire also writes poetry at http://lovepoetrybynicholl.blogspot.com

Short-Term Happiness, Long-Term Relationship Issues

So a lover brought a smile on your face when he or she bought a nice gift and planned a romantic evening.  Flattery makes one feel good and so does a warm meal, but it doesn't mean that a problematic partner is worth staying with just because he or she does a few thoughtful things.


Tired of yelling, fighting, and ignoring a mate, a person might choose to take a temporary break from all the madness.  However, this doesn't mean that a dead-end relationship is suddenly headed somewhere.  Some couples deceive themselves into staying long past the expiration date just because they had a short-term honeymoon period.


If he was ugly a month ago, chances are he is still that ugly guy just taking a break from acting ugly.  If she had been treating her guy wrongly for a long time, a couple of weeks of being nice to him doesn't mean that things are getting better, especially when she is still talking badly about the guy behind his back. 


Temporal happiness is deceitful.  It makes you falsely believe that someone, who isn't good for you, just might be okay for you.  However, the truth has a way of showing back up to remind the wishful thinker, the gullible, and the crazy in love, that there is nothing to what you call a relationship, but smoke and mirrors.


Nicholl McGuire

Thursday

5 Irritating Things About Bringing a Troublesome Husband to a Family Event

Some husbands are just not very good guys although they work real hard at deceiving family and friends.  They trick some into thinking that they love, care and respect their wives, but from the disappointment displayed in their partners' eyes, relatives know different. 


The observant see through the smoke and mirrors.  No eye contact, not the slightest touch (or way too much touch), distance between the couple, and the disrespect displayed when a husband is talking to a woman that is not his wife, are obvious signs, the man would have been better off staying at home.  So what might those irritating things he does that make his ride home with his wife a quiet one?


1.  He smiles and talks too much to the attractive women at the family event.  He manages to find some subject to talk about with them, but at home, he doesn't say much to his wife.


2.  He will pretend as if he is madly in love with his wife when he sees her talking with a handsome man who is not a family member.  Yet at home, he barely looks at his wife or touches her unless he wants sex.


3.  He acts as if his wife is responsible for all things related to interacting with family and participating in events (family gifts, keeping in touch, making and buying food and getting beverages...for his side and hers.)  "Talk with the wife...I don't know about that.  I have nothing to do with it.  Her idea, I stay out of it."


4.  He doesn't recall anything he said or did when the wife re-tells a story.  "Remember honey we were with So and So and she said...then you did...."  He shakes his head, "Uh...what?  No...really? I don't know.  This woman is a great story-teller--I don't recall any of that!"


5.  He brags or takes credit for things he rarely or never does.  The wife thinks, "Why are you lying to your mother, you know you don't help the kids with homework...stop telling your dad you get out with the boys all the time...let's count on one hand how many times you did any thing with them.)  Meanwhile, confidantes know better.


Wives typically don't miss a beat when it comes to their men, they may not say anything or display anger at the family event, but they are watching and listening.  No wonder it is a quiet ride home for some couples.


Nicholl McGuire

Saturday

3 Sex Killers - Snoring, Body Odor, Late Night Internet Surfing and TV Watching

Days of not having a good night sleep, moments where something didn't smell right under covers, and daily late night Internet surfing and TV watching can not only affect sex, but set a relationship back! 


1.  Snoring


Loud noises throughout the day, chatty co-workers, nerve-racking toys, and other irritating things can overwhelm anyone.  The only peace one might have is when he or she lies on a nice, comfy bed and closes eyes at night.  However, if one is sleeping with a partner who snores loudly, how much rest are you really getting?  Think of the mood swings, the tiredness during the day, and overall how you feel, most likely you are not getting a quality night sleep due to snoring.  Those who have struggled with snoring for years need medical help, over-counter medicines simply don't work for some.  If a partner often complains about snoring and not being able to rest, don't wonder why he or she is more interested in sleeping and less interested in having sex.  If you are a victim of a snorer, talk about your concern, if he or she doesn't want to deal with the problem, sleep in separate rooms or discuss other changes so that you can sleep in peace.


2.  Body Odor


Sometimes things happen and one doesn't always keep up with body hygiene.  One bad odor can put sex to a halt for awhile (or for years) especially when you are in a relationship with a person who has a keen sense of smell.  It would make sense to handle the issue, rather than just cover it up with perfumes and colognes.  If there is a problem such as: bad breath, smelly underarms and private parts, or stinky feet that when cleansed the smell doesn't seem to go away, seek medical attention.  If you have a partner who smells terrible and you have yet to communicate your concern, be polite, yet firm about your feelings.  If the issue is still not addressed after weeks have gone by, you might want to make some hard decisions which might include no intimacy until he or she gets the problem resolved.


3.  Late night Internet and TV watching


As much as we all love our gadgets, there comes a point when we have to balance time between them and our partners.  Too much of anything isn't a good thing.  When you find that a partner is spending way too much time up all night pleasuring his or herself, while you feel all-too-ready to have sex, you will need to break up the routine.  Take a nap during the day sometimes, stay up late and make yourself available.  If you find there is frequent rejection, it is time to start communicating and possibly snooping.  If there is still no change, make plans to separate or break up rather than cheat.  If you are guilty, scale back your time viewing these devices and make some time to entertain your partner.


Many relationships tend to break up over what seems to be trivial issues, but become major ones due to one or the pair refusing to deal with the problems.  Stubborn and prideful people don't want flaws pointed out and can be mean-spirited when it comes to dealing with the issues.  You know your relationship better than anyone and if it isn't broke, don't try to fix it.  However, if something is happening in the relationship that is affecting your well-being, speak up!  If a partner sincerely loves you, he or she will have compassion and do what he or she can to restore quality sex and peace in the relationship.


Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight about a variety of topics including relationships on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.

Thursday

What I Wish I Knew About Dating Before I Started

Anyone who has ever loved or been loved, may have wished to do some things differently in their lives when it comes to dating.  One day I thought of some things I had wished I knew about dating before I started meeting people.


1.  Some memories never go away.


It would have been wiser to think longer about things before I did them.  Now when certain things are said or done, my mind goes back to memories that should have never been created in the first place.


2.  Being selective about who you date really does make a difference in how you view relationships in the future.


Going out with just anyone doesn't help with building a healthy view on how to create a quality relationship.  Taking the time to think about why you like or settle with certain individuals will help you discover more about what you do and don't like about yourself and others.  The more troubled people you date, the more you start thinking negatively about relationships in general.


3.  Appreciate loneliness and use it to do the things you always wanted to do rather than find someone to do them with.


It is so popular to see couples in movies and elsewhere, but being alone is also a very good thing.  You are able to get some things accomplished without the worry of checking in with someone else or them possibly hindering you from your achieving your goals.


4.  It doesn't pay to rush into anything.


Whether I had sex right at the moment or later, it didn't really make a difference.  A loser was still the same before, during and after.  It would have been best for my mind, body and spirit had I waited.


5.  It's expensive.


When I think about the years I spent money dating others, those dollars could have been invested.  I would have had an extensive savings by now and probably would have been on my way to retirement before reaching the age of 50.  Most dates were bad investments.


So if you have been reflecting on your dating experiences lately, you may want to think strongly about doing some things differently.  Dating can leave you feeling broke, busted and disgusted sometimes.


Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and other books.  See blog here.

Tuesday

Opting Out This Year From Visiting a Partner's Family?

Most people who could get out of spending the holidays with boring, troublesome, or downright crazy in-laws would.  As much as one loves his or her mate, the idea of sitting with people who are not necessarily a likeable bunch can be nerve-racking.  If one's partner really loves you, he or she would be understanding.


Over the years, I have sat out from spending time with boyfriends', lovers' and partner's families simply by stating, "I won't be attending this year.  I prefer some quiet time at home."  Sure, a partner was disappointed at times, but when the time came to visit my relatives, did I even bother to ask?  Nope.  I know what it feels like to be pressured into going somewhere with a mate or a friend to see their people, their events, their whatever they are doing and you really have no interest.  How long will one keep up the act?  So I don't bother to pressure or place a guilt trip on any loved one or friend to be anywhere I will be.  Besides, my current husband is lucky, my folks live 3000 miles away while his are in the same town.  I don't attend all their events either.


The threat of not being liked, talked about, or judged because you didn't show up to an event will happen depending on the person hosting the get-together.  If the special time is honoring a patriarch or matriarch of the family and you are a new comer in the family, then if you know you can make it, then make every effort to attend.  But if you can't, send a card, a gift or a message through your partner.  Some people have to work, care for children, have family emergencies, or end up getting a good deal on airfare to see their own relatives, so if a mate can't be there, he or she just can't.  Making them feel bad about their choice is juvenile, selfish, and will start unnecessary issues especially in an already troubled relationship.


To be honest, when I opted out of meeting a date's family, it was because I knew the guys simply were no longer holding my interest and I wasn't interested in seeing any of them long term.  This is typically a dead give-away that a relationship is really not as serious as it looks.  Friends with benefits don't typically meet mom and dad and neither do fly-by-night sexual partners.  However, those couples who have said things like, "I love you, I want to be in your life, I want what we have exclusive..." to partners are now obligating themselves to attend family events until they are comfortable enough in the relationship to say no to some family functions.  They also have to have some time under their belts being with parents' beloved daughter or son for awhile before saying, "Not this year."


One of my relatives who has a long track record of saying, "No, I'm not going to see the in-laws for the holidays..." has gotten away with getting out of family functions, because he made himself available to the key relatives (just those closest to his wife not everyone) during other times of the year.  If an errand needed to be run, something needed to be fixed, or someone was in trouble, he was typically there.  So he has been able to opt out of family get-togethers, reunions, birthday celebrations, Thanksgiving and Christmas parties, and New Years celebrations, because he has done good things for his wife's family for decades throughout the year. 


So if you are planning to opt out of your Sweetie or Sweetheart's family event or party, be sure of the following:


1.  You have been seen around the family enough to do so.  If you are a new-comer, I wouldn't advise it.


2.  Consider how many years you have invested in a relationship with your significant and how many other family related events you have been to this year with this person.  You are due for a break if it is more than enough.


3.  If you plan on going elsewhere before the day of the event, be sure the main people (your partner's closest relatives) know this. 


4.  Be sure you have discussed your plans before the day of the event.  If he or she grumbles, complains or does other things because, "I really wanted you to be there..." reiterate your reason and then say nothing.  The more you talk about it, the more likely it will lead to an argument.


5.  Don't assume relatives will be okay with your opting out.  Some just might use your absence as a stick to crack your head with later.  Whatever they say or do, make no apologies when confronted by a trouble-maker, just remain quiet and walk away.  I learned this from a man in a 30 plus year marriage.  He will leave an event early if the family acts disrespectful or says one too many rude things.


6.  Above all, stand your ground with partner and in-laws.  If they don't like you, they will respect you. 


Keep in mind, most relatives don't care that much if in-laws come or don't, they are most concerned with seeing their blood kin anyway, so don't think too much about what others are going to think.  Instead, focus on that free time you are going to have yourself and make the most of it!


Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and Laboring to Love Myself.

Monday

When a Relationship is Coming to an End

A woman leaves her man then returns to him in the hopes that things will get better, but they don't.  A man breaks up with his girlfriend only to wish to be with her again, so he goes back to her and hates it.  In both situations, they broke up times before, but this time something tells them, "This is it."


When you have reached that point in your own relationship, when there is no turning back and it is all forward from here, you are giving up your last bit of energy to make it work.  You know deep within that if it goes bad this go around, there is no getting back together.  You may have felt this way times before, but there is just something different that happens inside when you know a relationship is coming to an end for good.  Exs who have been through something like this have talked about the last break up being worse than others before.  Its as if you are grieving the death of the relationship long before it actually happens. 


Remember when a loved one was dying, how you needed to process the news and then begin to live your life in such a way that you didn't think so much about him or her without being deeply saddened?  Well, when going through the relationship grief process there are things that happen that are similar.  You know the person you once loved is no longer impactful to your life, you know that one day soon he or she will not have any place in your personal world.  So you start to live your life without being dependent on him or her.  You find ways to stop thinking about "we" and more about "I."  The soon-to-be ex becomes someone you use to know.  You might even find yourself talking about the person in the past tense before you have even broke up with him or her.


The last attempt at getting back together and staying for sake of love, children, business, etc. starts off good.  Both of you are loving toward one another, act a bit nicer, and really want to make the other happy.  But routine starts to take root, life disappointments, annoying habits, death of loved ones, parenting challenges, health issues, and more, before long you are wishing you hadn't agreed to get back together. 


What many troubled couples fail to understand is that the process of breaking up never ended after repeated break ups and getting back together.  If it had stopped, you wouldn't think twice about wanting to break up yet again!  The last try is actually helping you break free once and for all from the person who you thought was The One.  Unlike other break ups before, you didn't pay that close attention to what went wrong, why, and what you and the person you are with could have done differently.  Now you are studying what is happening, thinking deeply about things.  Possibly planning a future court hearing regarding custody of a child or children.  There is much analyzing a partner during this last attempt at trying to make things work.  You will come to the realization why things just aren't going to work the more the relationship is challenged.  You  find yourself holding on to every negative thing said and did, forgiveness becomes more difficult.  Your mind will not let you forget the many offenses that an ex has done, the next time when you do exit for good.


Once single, those past as well as current bad experiences with an ex will be your motivation for not returning to misery once again.  Miserable people enjoy the company of one another as long as there is something to talk about, but the day they don't have any misery to contribute, the relationship will come to an end.  One or both of you will grow weary of disputes, jealous feelings, worries about what the other is or isn't doing, the bad habits, and other things that compromise relationships.  Misery loves bad company, but it doesn't love peace and joyful times.


When a relationship is coming to an official end, it just might have a history of repeated break ups. When two people don't smile at one another or care too much about what the other is doing this is a sure sign the relationship is headed nowhere.  Also, when you find that almost anyone is better to be around then the person you claim is your boyfriend, girlfriend or partner, this too is a definite sign.


Others will notice your unhappiness and will attempt to comfort you by bad-mouthing your partner, rather than defend the person, you will find yourself going right along with the critics and saying mean things about him or her too.  In addition, you won't do much for your lover and will start doing things a part from him or her while never bothering to say much about your personal thoughts, daily activities and things you hope to accomplish in the future. 


The relationship is burning out and when you are fed up, you find yourself looking to move into a place of your own and you see the future without your current partner.  No matter what he or she does at this point, you have tunnel vision, all you can think of is, "When do I tell this person I want out?"


Nicholl McGuire shares more relationship insight at http://laboringtoloveanabusivemate.blogspot.com 

Wednesday

After a Heated Argument...Sleep with One Eye Open

If you were in a physical fight with someone, would you attempt to walk away from the match while fighting with your back turned?  Of course not.  You don't know what that person might pick up and use against you.  You wouldn't want to be blind-sided; therefore you would keep your eyes on your opponent.  Well, when it comes to heated relationship disagreements which might include threats, pushing, punching or throwing things, some couples won't always fight fair.  A jealous, hot-tempered, and often irritated partner just might be after blood if you aren't too careful.  As much as many couples would like to think they could just say whatever is on their minds, then go to bed at night, think again!


A hormonal woman, a man having a mid-life crisis, or two people with personality disorders, substance abuse issues or health problems in a relationship is nothing to sleep on!  Trouble is always right around the corner.  There are many stories both on and off the internet where men and women mistakenly thought a disagreement was over only to later find out a partner was plotting revenge.  There are ways to see if your the partner turned victim.  You will also want to know if that man or woman you are living with is still carrying a grievance about what you said the other day, last week, or last year.  However, don't believe that your detective work is full-proof and that a mate isn't still harboring feelings of resentment.  You will need to play it safe when dealing with a scary, crazy, or violent partner.


1. Bring up a similar issue that you both argued about not that long ago by using someone else as an example and watch his or her reaction.  If he or she still acts angrily about it or brings what you two disagreed about back up again, then he or she isn't over it and may never get over it depending on the personality type.


2.  If a partner has threatened you with violence or acted violently in the past, it would make sense to get out of the relationship.  However, if you can't at this time, then protect yourself in the meantime.  File a police report and fill out a Protection From Abuse (PFA) form.  Also, contact a support system that deals with domestic violence, housing, food, and more--ask for help!  By doing these things, you  are doing your part just in case the emotionally or physically abusive person does anything to attack you in the future for any number of reasons including: disrespect, cheating, lying, and leaving him or her and taking children away.  When children are involved, you will have to work with law enforcement and family court to be sure you get out of the household safely with your children.  Domestic violence support centers in your local area may be of assistance as well as churches and hospitals.


3.  Don't fall asleep before an angry partner goes to bed.  But if you must, lock the door or sleep elsewhere in or outside of the residence.  Set traps so that you can hear when he or she enters the room.  For instance, lie something up against the door, so when it is opened, there will be a loud crashing sound.  If you are a believer, pray before you go to bed.  Unfortunately, not every issue will be dealt with before the sun goes down.


4.  Talk to a trusted relative or friend before you go to bed and share some details as to what happened between you and your partner that day or night.  This way if something should occur, there will be someone who knows what caused your partner to go into a possible rage.


5.  Avoid arguing any further because the longer a dispute goes on, the more attention it will attract.  However, if that is your intent, be sure to scream, "Help" or "Fire" many times so that a neighbor or witness will call the police.


6.  Before you go to bed, be sure to check the house, look at your partner and take notice of what he or she is doing before you retire, and also be sure that any weapons in the house haven't suddenly went missing.  Check your own.


It's unfortunate that some have to take heed to this kind of advice, but this is what happens when you take a chance and get into relationships with people who have angry temperaments, a history of violence or who have unresolved issues related to past abuse.


Nicholl McGuire, survivor of domestic violence and writer about these issues and others, see more work here: http://laboringtoloveanabusivemate.blogspot.com

Stop Engaging With Your Narcissistic Ex Spouse! Start Engaging With Your...


Monday

The Dating Den: What Men Really Want To Say To You


Blogger of lovedatingadvice.blogspot.com thanks readers

I am taking this time just to thank those of you who faithfully come to this site seeking a bit of advice to use or pass on to family and friends.  I have been contributing to this blog for years and have spent many hours selecting relevant material for an eclectic mix of people in a variety of relationships who visit this blog.


I find that the more we date or remain in serious relationships, the more we learn about ourselves.  We find that we won't tolerate certain people, places and things and we also communicate better with partners about our wants and needs.  Although we all fail sometimes, we still get right back up and try anyway while hoping that our partners will be receptive.


I sincerely wish nothing but the best for all of you who are seeking partners and are in relationships.  Please do keep reading and don't hesitate to comment.


Nicholl

Monday

Job, Money, and Television Dictating the Relationship?

Partners aren't always to blame for relationship issues.  Most often, what you do with your time and the attitude that goes along with it is to blame! - Nicholl McGuire




Gone are the days when you and your partner were head over heels in love with one another.  As much as you tried to avoid the boring routines that tend to affect so many relationships, before you knew it, you fell into the trap.  You don't find him or her that interesting, you don't bother to create some time together, and you have little, if anything, to say about your partner that is positive.


Three seemingly harmless issues that later become big problems in the relationship are often argued about, ignored sometimes, and wreck havoc on romance.


1.  Job


The job is the all-too-important god in the relationship.  Everyone who lives with the one who is making the most money must adhere to the unspoken rules related to the job.  A few of those rules include:  One doesn't ask to do much during the work week, because those who have a job are often tired coming home from work.  This means that family activities, school events, and other related things are often ignored or cancelled.  Next, even though one has already put in a full day of work, he or she is not to be interrupted when one is texting, emailing, or calling the job.  One must have a good reason why a vacation or personal day must be used.  Spending quality time with family is not a good excuse.  Sad, but true that these unspoken rules do apply in many households.


2.  Money


If money is available the family goes out, if money is not available everyone is cooped up in a residence.  When ideas for free or cheap activities are mentioned they fall on deaf ears, because one's mind is on his or her money.  The attitudes, mood swings, and arguments show up when someone is not getting his or her way, didn't financially plan responsibly, over-drafted one's bank account, can't buy what he or she wants immediately, or does things that cost too much.


3.  Television (or any other favorite electronic device like:  IPads, IPhones, gaming consoles, etc.)


Anything that is done outside or inside the home is typically put off so that hours can be spent seated in front of a screen.  It doesn't matter that there are people in the home in need of attention or more pressing needs and chores should be tended to.  The television/electronic god has claimed the household and everyone must wait until a favorite show or activity ceases.  Meanwhile, marriages suffer, children fall behind in school, once intelligent minds turn into mush, and residences go sometimes for years unmanaged.


Harmless activities that turn into time stealers, relationship killers, and dream destroyers.  Think about these issues the next time you start to open up your mouth and blame a partner or children for not having any personal peace.  Change the way you view your job, money and pleasures and who knows, you and your family just might be happier.


Nicholl McGuire


 Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic https://www.createspace.com/3437273
When Mothers Cry https://www.createspace.com/3393499
Laboring to Love Myself https://www.createspace.com/3401526
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate https://www.createspace.com/3332346
Floral Beauty on a Dead End Street http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail...
Spiritual Poems By Nicholl http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail...

Saturday

Dating Burnout, Blues: Do You Have It?

When you are tired of the dating scene, often frustrated with the guys or gals who take interest in you because they are just not your type, and have little patience to talk to anyone new, you are experiencing a time of "dating blues" or dating burnout  I use the term "dating blues," because years ago, before meeting my current husband, I had a mix of sadness, anger and tiredness when it came to dating. 


You know you are going through something when you have more bad stories then good ones about dates and you could practically write a rhythm and blues song about your emotions concerning them.  There is just not enough positive energy going on when it comes to meeting, dating, and sleeping with these people.  It's either a hum, drum world or a "what did I just get myself into" kind of world with these dates and the more you do it, the more you get more of the same.


When dating burnout/blues shows up and shows out, here's what you do:


1.  You avoid talking to anyone who you had hoped to be intimate with or had sex with.  Why bother reconnecting with someone you know you aren't the least bit interested in having a serious relationship with?


2.  Check your desires to have sex.  From taking a cold shower to talking to a counselor, avoid the people and things that stir your sexual drive.  You aren't feeling so good right now, so why complicate matters or give someone false hope that you will be back around for more?


3.  Visit places that don't cater to couples.  The images can make you feel bad especially when you aren't happy with your past decisions.


4.  Avoid romantic movies.  Why create a fantasy world in your mind that doesn't exist?  In the real world, we all know that couples aren't always happy, patient, kind, and understanding with one another much less others.


5.  Stop reading and listening to sexually explicit material.  Why tease yourself when you are simply burned out with dating? 


6.  Spend quality time alone, not just for a day or two, but for as long as it takes so that you can reclaim your energy without the need of someone else and replenish that bank account.


7.  Catch up with tasks you have been putting off.  Chances are you have been ignoring other people, places and things because you have been too busy thinking about meaningless distractions.


Dating blues is a temporary emotion that comes and goes.  But when it goes, you feel so much lighter, focused, and you are in better spirits! 


Nicholl McGuire, check out my YouTube channel: nmenterprise7

Monday

Preying Older Men Praying to Get Young Women to Use for Money

Tips Dating Older Men, Dating Younger Women: Preying Older Men Praying to Get Young Women to Us...: There are older men who legitimately want a relationship with young women, yet there are others who are looking to pimp them.  These men ar...

Singles: Some Things You Forgot About Being in a Relationship

Praying on his knees one night with the hope to find a wife one day, his prayer is answered (at least so he thinks).  He eventually meets that special someone that appeared to be right for him during the early stages of the courtship.  But as he learns more about her, he remembers why he remained single for so long.


A woman with children and no man to complete her happy home is disappointed after months of dating a man who has far too much baggage than she can handle.  She recalls why she didn't want to start dating especially with young children still at home.


In both scenarios, the individuals are unhappy and wish for their single, uncomplicated lives prior to welcoming others into their worlds.  Although many singles desire to be in an intimate relationship with someone, there are those who know that its just not right for them now or never. 


If you are single and frustrated with finding a match, be reminded of those little things you might have forgotten about when it comes to relationships and just maybe you will slow down and smell the flowers alone for awhile longer.


1.  In-laws and other family members.


Do you need to be reminded of those days of having to meet the parents and extended relatives?  What about a partner's children?  The opinions they have of you.  The things an ex said about you.  The fussing and fighting of children.  The efforts you make trying to win everyone's approval.  It was all so draining.  Do you still feel the need to be with someone right now?


2.  Annoying routines.


You do recall those days having to put up with an ex's chalkboard screeching routines.  Well, when you meet someone new the annoying routines slowly, but surely come out.  Those irritations just take on a new form and you still have to put up with stuff you don't like. From boring weekends to neat freak behavior, remember those days of having to compromise?


3.  Unsightly appearances and body odors.


Singles are often so nice-looking and smell good at least in the beginning of a dating relationship.  However, in time things change.  You recall those times you saw what an ex looked and smelled like at home compared to what you saw in the public, right?  Did looks and smell matter somewhat in the break-up?  Be honest.


4.  Snoring and other things that make noise at night.


This point might seem petty, but is a big deal when you are so content with falling asleep at night without the distractions.  Sometimes there are those people who keep televisions on all night, others who have a sudden burst of energy in the wee hours of the a.m., and still others who are often walking through the night making noises in almost every room.  Oh, how you had wished to send an ex back home after sex! 


5.  Being on your best behavior more often than you care to be.


You might have forgotten that some of the best relationships survive due to kindness and generosity and if you lack one or both of these things, you might want to keep your grumpy and cheap attitude to yourself.  But maybe that wasn't you, but your ex.  Remember those fights about what you did and didn't do in the last relationship?  Have you bothered to make any changes to your unkind and cheap ways or are you still blaming the ex?  Would you like a repeat performance with someone new?


6.  Your stuff and his/her stuff.


Whether too much or too little stuff, if you aren't one for the following:  sharing space, don't like when others touch your stuff, and can't stand when someone uses up items and doesn't replace them, you might want to hold off on the hope of cohabitating with someone one day soon.


7.  Financial woes.


You have enough of your own, so why take on someone else's?  But you say, "I'm not helping her/him with his bills, he/she has a job..."  Not so fast!  Your future partner's financial issues/desires/gains/losses will affect you sooner or later, job then no job, holidays then no holidays, debt and more debt, get the picture?  So one must be prepared to share the financial load.


Of course, there are many other things to consider when thinking about "settling down, meeting someone special, needing a girlfriend/boyfriend."  Is it really the relationship that you want and all that comes with it (good, bad and otherwise) or the feeling?  You can get that feel-good moment watching an entertaining romance movie or reading a good book.  But the long-term feeling of being in love is not-so easy to come by and when it does, will you be ready--marriage, babies, home, cars, investments...


Nicholl McGuire

Tuesday

Mary J. Blige Ft. Drake - Mr. Wrong (LYRICS)


Challenge and Controversy: Have You Experienced this Yet with a Date?

What's the rush to hop in a bed with a new friend or a lover?  You just might regret your decision soon after.  Dates can become increasingly controlling once they have had a taste of a good bedroom experience.  They can also be demanding too!  "So I was thinking about marriage...I was wondering about us living together...What do you think about quitting your job and relocating to...?"  What!?  You might be thinking, but when couples move fast, it won't be long before talk of marriage and a baby in a carriage is soon to follow.  So when is the best time to take a relationship beyond the dating experience?  When you have been through a series of challenging and controversial situations with your date.

If you have yet to observe your date under pressure and haven't had a serious enough argument where your palms are sweaty and your voice is loud, then why bother promising anything?  From a gift to sex, hold off on all those things that say, "We are a couple," until you have felt other emotions with this person besides warm and fuzzy ones.

Too often people discover once money is spent, contracts are signed, a belly is sticking out, and family is met that they simply don't like the person they are with as much as they once did.  They realize the beautiful or handsome guy has a lot that comes with him or her (seen and unseen) that they simply can't tolerate.  But these disgruntled folks with their selections, learned the hard way!  They ignored all sound advice that warned, "Take it slow...get to know her...don't rush...wait to see if it is love that you are really feeling."

True love isn't ready to throw the towel in every time one is offended, angered over a mistake, or doesn't understand what is being said during a heated discussion, but lust is.  Lust takes off, cools down, but is never quite the same.  Relationships rooted in lust have couples in them who are on shaky ground and are doubtful about the future.

Sometimes love is overlooked early on in the relationship because daters are too busy comparing their lives with others or wanting what their relatives and friends have.  If the best friend appears to be in love with his or her mate that is because they went through much to get to that point.  They permitted themselves to fall in love over and over again in good times and in bad.  Yet, people who enter into relationships with a fantasy in their minds of what they anticipate love to be are often disappointed when potential mates don't look or act in ways they had in mind.  Rather than cut their losses early, they stick around hoping to change others.  Unfortunately, the controlling and manipulation tactics used early on to keep a date interested blow up sooner or later.

Allow challenge and controversy to arise in a new relationship and watch how your date reacts.  You will be so glad you did.  This way you can make a fair observation on whether your date is really worth giving your money, body and time to him or her in good times and in bad.

Think about it.

Nicholl McGuire maintains this blog and others.  One is entitled, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and check out her latest audio/videos on YouTube.
 

Friday

Why Singles Should Wait to Commit or Marry Online Dates

It usually takes weeks, even months later, to find out about that elephant in the room that many Internet daters have.  "He wasn't really divorced, he was thinking about it.  She claimed that she was a virgin, but the reality was she was the town's prostitute.  He said he was a Christian and attended church sometimes, but the truth was he hadn't set foot in God's house in years and never got baptized."  The scandalous things some daters learn later after marriage and children (sigh).

Let's be honest, many singles flock to the Internet in search of a sex partner, not a husband or wife.  However, there are those who really want a life-long companion but are hood-winked buy selfish and manipulative people who enjoy creating an emotional bond.  Then later, one finds out about all that other stuff that comes with the supposedly "single, care-free, or good-hearted" him or her.

Many people who are quick to create profiles on dating websites are living with someone at the time they are doing it.  The offline story typically went like this:  the couple got in an argument and someone threatened to leave or divorce so now the needy, angry partner thinks that by bringing his headache into a new relationship that will help ease his or her tension. 

Singles and divorced daters who are confident that a background investigation is all they need to find out about someone and then enter into marriages, usually find out later that there are some personality issues with people that don't show up on background reports.  Match-making systems don't always match people up and gut feelings are often nothing more than that good food you ate earlier settling on your stomach.

Singles and divorced individuals should really take online partnerships slow.  Learn as much as you can in all settings about someone (offline and on) before verbalizing your love for someone online and how much you would want them to be a part of your life for always.

Holidays are a good time to find out who and what you are marrying into anyway.  Chances are that whatever family issues an online date has will show up in an offline romance.  You will discover slowly, but surely why mom treats her son like she does.  You will find out why some dates are considered the black sheeps in their families.  You will also learn about money woes, lies, and exaggerations at some of these family gatherings.  Hopefully, an ex will show up and that will surely tell you just how close or distant the pair still are.

The more you know prior to marriage, the better!  Far too many people create false stories about who they are, what they like, and what they want to provide to someone else.  When the truth shows up and looks you in the face, you always have a choice: you can pretend as if it doesn't exist, talk about it, run from it, or consider it a blessing in disguise and move on with your life!

Nicholl McGuire also shares insightful tips on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.

Thursday

He Loves Women Far Too Much - A Player with a Lot of Love

Wink, whisper, touch, and a flattering statement, the player with a lot of love to give is never satisfied with just one woman.  "But he wants to be with me, he told me so..." the gullible, young lady yells at all those who doubt her new boyfriend's commitment.  "See, he gave me a ring.  He told me that I am the one for him.  I trust him, you don't know what you are talking about!"

Those of us who have been on this planet far longer than we want to reveal and have had many relationships in our lifetime start to see the same types of women and men.  There are those who are all-too trusting paired up with the pimp, player, and hustler who use their charm to convince all, "That girl is my world, I love her..." Sure you do and all the other women who come in your direction too!

*                                                                                 *                                                                    *
He was a charming man, attractive, sweet, and nice to all who met him.  Handsome, mature and intelligent, he swept the young woman off her feet.  She couldn't believe he chose her when he could have any woman.  It was then that her thought made her far too trusting of that sweet snake of a man.  She talked of her wedding date.  She shared his promises with anyone willing to listen that he would take care of her and she didn't have to worry about a thing. 

As the relationship grew older, Mr. Nice Guy wasn't being so nice (see Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate).  His eyes were wandering on and offline.  He had yet to disconnect from online dating websites, "Just in case..." he reasoned.  He wasn't the least bit interested in connecting with his girlfriend's family and he could care less about a wedding day.

So the sweet, young girl, who had a lot to learn about life, continued to sing his praises, but in time she would learn like all the others who came before her that she was just another one of his lovers.  He was a player with a lot of love to give.

Nicholl McGuire maintains this blog as well as Love Poems by Nicholl, see here. 

Wednesday

10 Signs Your Online Date Has Hidden Mental Issues

Have you been in contact with someone online that you are doubtful about meeting in person?  Could it be that you picked up on some things about this person that make you doubt whether he or she is really a match for you?  With so many people being knowledgeable when it comes to using the computer and navigating the Internet, you never know what you might find on an online dating website.  More and more people with low IQs, unattractive looks, mental and physical illnesses, and unresolved issues from the past are flocking to the web in search of love too.  So for those who are very particular about who they want to enter their lives, be on the look out for people who have all sorts of mental and physical challenges hiding their issues amongst doctored up photos, flattery, and impressive dating profiles.

How do you know your online date has some hidden mental issues they don't want you to know about?

1. This person expects you to keep him or her entertained in conversation, while he or she says very little (or the individual might be overly talkative to the point that you can't get a word in.)
2.  He or she spends time complaining or blaming an ex over things that most people wouldn't make a big deal about.
3.  Your online date seems overly serious, sensitive or often angry and one's explanation for his or her personality issues seems to make no sense.
4.  You have caught your online date in lies, half-truths, or exaggerations and you feel like he or she is often hiding some facts about his or her self.
5.  You noticed that your date doesn't talk about job, family or friends without being prompted and when he or she speaks there is never anything much to tell or far too much to say to the point that you feel uncomfortable.
6.  The online dater sends you messages that sound as if this person has taken them from a book, song, or even someone else's profile.
7.  You feel as if your date is trying to say and do all the right things to please you, but you have yet to figure out what he or she really wants with you except the obvious, sex, money or both.
8.  He or she often talks about an illness he or she is grappling with and shares some information about taking a prescription medicine, missing work, having to pay hospital bill, or some other health related concern.
9.  Your online date doesn't mention doing much else with his or her life, but going to work.
10.  Whenever you ask a personal question or one that requires using some critical thinking skills, the response is poorly written, ignorant, weird, or downright stupid.

If you notice most of these points in someone you have been talking to via the Internet, imagine what a future with this person might look like.  Will you be able to put up with the mood swings associated with his or her personality issues or physical handicap?  Are you patient when it comes to people talking slow or stuttering?  Do you exhibit self-control even when someone is having a mental fit around you?  Can you honestly say that you are a forgiving person and can you be supportive if your online date says or does something that is insulting, rude, or ugly?  What will this person really bring to your life--added happiness, peace of mind, financial support, a listening ear, love, etc.?

Take your time before you arrange to meet someone that might not be very easy to get out of your life in the future.  Think before you commit money, time, and body.

Nicholl McGuire, author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, see blog here.  Also, check out my Internet dating guide that provides helpful insight on taking it slow with online dates and being more observant offline as well.  Get free sample here: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/616256

Saturday

Minor Disputes Will Not Kill Your Relationship

So you have been disagreeing with one another more frequently lately, did you really think you would always have a peaceful, loving, sweet, and agreeable partner?  Just because disputes have increased between the two of you lately, doesn't mean that your relationship is coming to an end.  If anything, it is a good sign that you both are maturing, learning more about one another, and feel more confident to speak your mind.  In new relationships, many couples put on a good act, but once the newness wears off, now lies become truths and the realization of whether or not a lover is indeed right for them comes to the surface.

While you read this, there are couples all over the world having screaming matches, fist wars, and rages about personal property.  Thank God, your relationship woes aren't as bad as others or are they?  Disputes are inevitable and how you manage them will determine whether you really want to be in a relationship with that man or woman who keeps giving you the blues.

1.  Ask yourself, "Is what my sweetheart saying really that bad?"  Truth is that if someone stopped by and listened to what your partner was saying to you, it just might not be as bad as you are making it out to be.  Maybe he or she is saying something that you don't agree with, rubbing you the wrong way about something you did or didn't do, or has some other issue with you, whatever the case if you don't look at the issue as "so bad," it won't be.

2.  What else has been happening in your partner's life besides you?  Sometimes sudden illness, accidents, abuse, death, job loss, pregnancy, and other issues alter one's personality.  People don't always bounce back into that person we once knew.  So you have a choice, deal with your changed partner or don't.  Complaining will get you nowhere, but back into yet another argument.  Offer your service, be nicer and more understanding and when all else fails, move on.

3.  Are you doing all you can to make wrongs right?  Disputes will continue between couples if no one doesn't bother to forgive and forget.  Apologies can be difficult to give out if one believes that he or she is right most of the time, it isn't any wonder why you argue.   Try humbling yourself, listening to your partner, and then learning from your mistakes.

4.  When was the last time you gently touched your partner, made love, or enjoyed one another without distractions?  If intimacy is lacking, the body will act out.  There will be an increase of disputing.  Eyes will roam.  The grass might appear to look greener on the other side.  It is obvious that life responsibilities are robbing you of your intimate relationship.  Make time for one another!

5.  Are you spending way too much time with one another?  Needy individuals will suffocate their partners.  They will expect way too much too soon.  They will want their boyfriends and girlfriends to be very attentive and often consider their feelings.  If you or your partner is like this, you will argue, because one or both of you are growing weary of one another.  This is definitely the time to stop talking to one another, give each other space, and find something more to do with your lives besides sit in each other's presence.  If a girlfriend or boyfriend sincerely wants to be with you, he or she will come back around, but if not, the person most likely was looking for a way out of his or her misery.

Now that you have been given five questions to ponder, remind yourself that your relationship is not over and that minor disputes are just that.  If you are in a relationship that is sincerely meant to be, you and your partner will come out of this season of disagreement.

Nicholl McGuire also maintains Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, When Mothers Cry and other blogs.

Wednesday

7 Popular Lies of Single, Deceptive Men

A lot is said in a simple statement backed up with an action or inaction when it comes to relationships.  Many singles can save themselves much time and stress if they would just pay attention to the little things their dates say and do early on in the relationship!  Some women are so desperate for a man that they suppress all red alert signs that tell them, "Keep away, this guy is a loser!"  Don't be the next fool for love in a deceptive, single man's game, listen and learn.

1. "I can cook."

Really?  Challenge him.  Go to the grocery store with him, watch him take the food out the wrapping, season it, and cook it.  If you see all of that, he can cook.  If not, he's a liar and what else might he lie about?  Hmm.

2.  "She's just a friend."

Is he sure about that?  The way he looks at her, talks about her, and how often he corresponds with her on the phone should be enough for you to tell him, "Goodbye."

3.  "I would never hit a woman."

Push any man enough and they just might hit back.  Watch how your date/partner reacts to you during a disagreement.  Do you feel like he just might slap, choke, push, or trip you just because you don't agree with him or he doesn't like the tone of your voice? Anyway, ask him to define a "hit."  Any verbal or physical assault is considered abusive.  A deceptive man who works hard to hide his mood swings and angry temper most likely has a past that involved him abusing more than one woman whether they so-called "deserved it" or not. 

4.  "I will be over around..."

Is he really a man of his word?  How many excuses does he need to come up with to finally arrive on time?  If he can't keep his word, what else might he be unable to commit to?

5.  "I like that too."

Does he really?  If he likes what you like so much, notice whether he changes his interest once he gets to know you better.  Then call him out on what he supposedly has in common with you, "I thought you said you liked that too?"  Actors will say and do just about anything if they believe they can have sex with you.

6.  "I'm close to my family too."

How close?  Close enough that he would be understanding if you said, "Listen, I'm not interested in moving across the country with you while leaving my family behind.  Besides if you are so close to them, why would you want to move away from them?"  Men with a troubled childhood are rarely close to intermediate family no matter how much he fakes having a good time with relatives.

7.  "I believe in God."

If he believes in God as much as he claims, then ask him, "When was the last time you heard from God and actually did what he told you?"  To that, he might respond, "I said I believed in God, but I didn't say he talks to me."  A man who is indwelled with the Holy Ghost has a personal relationship with Christ and feels accountable to his creator.  Leave the Christian pretender alone if you are a sincere, born-again believer!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mothers Cry, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Spiritual Poems by Nicholl and many other books.  You can check out her practical advice videos on Youtube channel: nmenterprise7.

Lies of Manipulators in Relationships

They will justify their wrongs from using flawed statements to evil looks, manipulators, psychopaths, narcissists and the like hate those who expose their lies.  What you say is wrong and what they do is right.  They don't care that what they did hurt you.  You scream, yell, threaten, and may even shake them up a bit, and their reaction is unapologetic.

You can't trust cold-hearted men and women, they lie.  They will try to reason why it's okay to join a dating profile site while still in a relationship, it's okay to be married while seeking to be with someone else, and they will distort all things they know to be righteous for selfish gain.  They pretend to love, but they lust.  Why is "I love you" so difficult for them?  Because they know they don't mean it.  Why is showing appreciation of a partner and his or her endeavors such a challenge for them? Because they feel far more comfortable wallowing in negative emotions like jealousy.  For some manipulators, what they know is a learned behavior from parents/guardians that later morphed into a combination of who they are and what they had hoped to become.  To explain further, they already had an innate knowledge on getting others to do what they want (crying, whining, complaining, using silent treatment etc.) but had to still learn how to pretend to be that "nice" person-- the one who could attract admirers and loyal followers.  A wounded soul is easy prey for the manipulator.  They seek and also attract the lonely, desperate, confused, and naive.

For the evil-minded, the hollow soul, and the desperate for attention, they know nothing about love and will not practice what little they learn consistently.  Today they are hot for you, but tomorrow not so much.  If you are in the beginning stages of a relationship like this, work hard to disconnect from the manipulator before you are entangled in his or her web of deceit.  He or she tells fanciful stories, makes promises, persuades you to believe that he or she cares about you (and only you), but in reality he or she simply uses people for time and money.

Nicholl McGuire

Appreciation Goes a Long Way in Relationships

Are you showing appreciation to your partner when he or she gets in the car, walks in the door, or when you see him or her in public?  Appreciation goes a long way in relationships especially when the couple has recently experienced much negativity from outsiders.  "Is there anyone who loves/likes me?" a partner might secretly think.  "I just wish that someone would just show me that he or she cares?"  If you haven't been showing love lately, you just might.

What harm is it to say, "Thank you."  Does it take much effort to say, "Good morning, Good evening, Good night?"  For some troubled relationships, not only is a simple greeting to one another too much to handle, but even touching can be a bit difficult.  A couple who has resolved in hearts and minds that they just simply aren't compatible, don't like one another, and would rather be anywhere but with one each other is at a point of possibly no return unless they change their mindsets and choose to appreciate one another.  Think of it this way, if you can muster up a "Thank you" to a co-worker, despite not liking something he or she said or did the other day, why not do the same for someone that you love?  Appreciating one's loved one is just as important, if not more important, than someone you really don't know that well at work.

A birthday, anniversary, or some other holiday is a start on the right path of appreciating a lover.  But there are still many days in the year that one can say, "I love you...I need you...I want you...You are sweet, kind and a great lover when you want to be!--lol"  Whatever you choose to say to make your special someone feel loved, do it!  If you can make him or her laugh, why not?

Remember there are plenty of singles who could only wish to wrap their arms around someone and say, "I appreciate you."  Don't let your special someone get away, let he or she know you still want him or her.

Nicholl McGuire

Friday

Facebook: It's Not Complicated - You Aren't in Love Anymore

If you have ever selected the relationship status choice of "It's complicated" on Facebook or something similar on another website, you must know you are telling the world you have issues--lots of them and most likely you are responsible for at least 50% of them. 

Let's be honest, you aren't in love--that's not complicated.  You most likely never was especially if the female or male was nothing more than a rebound during a down moment in your life--possibly in like, but in love?  Yet, we all have fallen for that new person (notice I didn't say love) who seems to show up and show out in our lives when we least expect it.  Knowing full well, the "okay" guy or "alright girl" should have been nothing more than an acquaintance at the time, yet we agreed to a relationship built on one maybe two great dates (sigh).  Before long, that supposedly temporary distraction is coming over your home sticking his or her personal items in your bathroom and hanging his or her clothes in your closet--huh?

No, my friend, it's not complicated, it's crazy!  What were you thinking getting involved with someone for his or her beauty, sex, money, connections, or some other thing that really means nothing now!  Whatever Complicated Partner told you to get and keep you from all the other available guys or gals that had their eyes on you, turned out to be an exaggeration or lie and you fell for it!  It was only a matter of time that you felt disheartened, you started questioning yourself, "What did I get myself into?"  My question to you today is, "When will you get yourself out of your complicated mess?" 

Why use an "It's complicated" status to draw someone like you to you in a similar miserable relationship (you know misery loves company), switch that option back to "In a relationship" then work to officially get out or better yet, send a clear message by selecting single, but be prepared for the backlash. 

Nicholl McGuire 

On Dating: Character Flaws in that Special Someone

When we start dating or committing to one person, we sometimes fail at allowing ourselves to see the not-so appealing qualities in our special mate. We don't want to see that there is something wrong with him or her since it may have taken so long to finally find a partner. I can tell you from personal experience, that when we allow ourselves to focus only on the good while turning a blind eye on the bad for fear that we might disrupt that warm and fuzzy feeling inside our gut, we are headed for some trouble early on in the relationship!

The reality is that we must connect with a mate not so much for his or her great qualities, but for this person's not so great ones too! The following is a list of things you may want to consider when dating or remaining in a relationship with someone. You should be asking yourself this question, which personality challenges can I live with and which ones can I not? You see every person in the world has some, if not all, of these character issues at some point in their lives.  You will have to determine if you have the perseverance to love forever and always in sickness and in health until death do you part.

Pessimistic, Fatalistic, Grudging
Optimistic hate being around people like this.  They become frustrated with having to make all the plans to go places.  They find themselves lying about their partner's frowns to family and friends.  These people always have something negative to say about people, places and things.

Jealous, Possessive, Greedy
They are easily irritated when you talk to others.  They think they "own" you.  What they have is never good enough, they always want more.  They spend far more than they earn in an effort to be happy.

Compulsive, Obsessive, Resentful
They feel driven to do something even when they shouldn't or the signs are on the wall.  They have to get this done, do that, and create routines for themselves that are not easily broken or changed.  They might even say, "I am obsessed with...I just love buying...I have to get this done..."  They aren't happy for others and simply don't know how to let offenses go.

Indecisive, Gullible, Self-indulgent
They never know what they want for themselves or others.  They fall into traps and are easily swindled into joining groups, buying things etc.  They love buying for self, doing for self, always making sure that self comes first even when self doesn't always need to come first.

Always tense, Superficial, Inconsistent
Everything needs to be pondered deeply.  They often think someone is up to something or has a hidden agenda.  They talk intense.  They have their own take on what they believe something to be even when their perception is inaccurate.  They are never consistent about thoughts, habits, ideals, etc.  You never know what a day might bring when in the presence of this person.

Selfishness, Quick Tempered, Impulsive
They don't like sharing.  They feel inconvenienced if you ask them to do something.  They are often in trouble because of the tone of their voice.  They react pre-maturely over situations that typically don't need any major response. These people are big spenders too and do their shopping without thinking such as getting too much of something, not enough of something else, while forgetting what you need the most. 

Moody, Overemotional, Clingy
You find yourself having to ask often, "Are you okay?  Is everything alright?" with the moody person.  They cry easily, get angry quickly, and just tend to be over-the-top about the littlest of things.  They also attach themselves to you--always wanting to be close to you, touch you, or go places with you.

Overcritical, Fussy, Worrier
You most likely work with people like this, just imagine taking them home with you?  You can never do anything right with these folks.  They have to tell you how things are done and if you don't do it right they will tell you everything that is wrong with you.  They talk negatively about people often and may even laugh a lot about others' weaknesses.  They are also very concerned about things that hasn't happened yet and may never happen.  They keep bringing the same issues to you even after some things have been dealt with.

Idealistic, Weak-willed, Easily led
They have many ideas, plans, visions, and associations.  It doesn't take much to convince them to go along with a program that may or may not be good for them.  They enjoy abusing substances.

Annoyingly optimistic, Careless, Superficial
No matter what wrong happens in their world, those optimists will tell you to, "Look on the bright side..." Its as if they use bright, cheery statements to cut you off.  Many won't let you tell them anything negative before digressing.  They tend to be nervous and aren't often careful in what they say and do when they are in a bad mood or not don't so well.  They also think that having the best things, best appearance, best whatever makes them better than others.  They think more of those who have much than those who have little.

Detached, Perverse, Unpredictable
They never seem to connect with others.  They say and do strange things.  You never know what to expect from them.  Something is just not right in their minds and sometimes they don't mind telling you so.

If you have associated your partner with any of the previously mentioned character flaws, then you know what you are getting yourself into if you are considering marrying this individual one day. Now go through the list and figure out which ones are your character flaws? Is your partner showing any signs that he or she cannot handle being with you because of your personality challenges such as: ignoring you, acting rudely, giving you the run-around about spending time with you, saving money for personal goals while not helping you, etc.? 

Save yourself some grief, connect with someone who can put up with you!  But if you have already found her/him, keep that person!

Nicholl McGuire

Sunday

Save Money - Stop Dating

Repeated arguing, fussing, fighting, and using the silent treatment because one is going through difficult financial times will disrupt some of the best relationships.  There is never enough money to date, to pay baby-sitters, or to finance a trip.  As long as the money is coming in, some partners are happy.  But when money is limited or is all tapped out, the negative attitude shows up and stress levels rise.

"Sorry honey, I can't help you with that...I really wish I could but...well you know we spent quite a bit of money last time...and well you know I really don't have much...I'm sure you understand."  But the eye-rolling, deep sighing partner with a chip on his or her shoulder doesn't.  This person might cover disappointment up with a smile, but a loved one or friend will know the truth, "Why did I get myself involved with yet another broke guy/gal?"

When it isn't your money being spent, you have no choice, but to grin and bear it when a partner shares stories of his or her money woes, you didn't lose out on anything.  The best thing you could do is offer to help.  But when it is your money that is long gone, you have to find a way to get more.  So many people want the handsome guy or sexy gal, but they don't think about how much it is going to cost them to keep that person entertained.  Attractive people typically have many people who are willing to date them.  You might wish that special someone only wants to be with you for the sake of love, but the reality is that money and assets help with keeping romance alive.

When you find yourself often complaining about money, disputing with a partner about it, or doing sneaky things to save or get money, you might consider taking a break from dating.  The truth is, you simply can't afford it. 

Nicholl McGuire

 

She's Crazy by Nicholl McGuire

She's Crazy by Nicholl McGuire
Dating or married to an angry woman?
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