The Rush to Have Sex, Commit with Someone You Met Online

With the growing use of the Internet, comes the increase of meeting people online and possibly going all the way with them.  Now when I say "all the way" I mean just that!  All the way to the altar.  When this happens, you can never be too sure about that person who started out as nothing more than an online chat friend to possibly the mother or father of your children.

Communication

It is great to communicate, the longer, the better.  But what exactly are you talking about.  Some couples will brag about how wonderful their relationship is, but what they don't tell you is they have yet to push those buttons that will send the new partner over the edge.  It is very easy to start a relationship online, but keeping it--well that is a different story.  Sharing information with a partner is much more than just being nice, polite and friendly.  You must talk about those issues that rattle a person, so that you can see how they respond to controversy.  Better you find out that he is a temperamental man or she is "crazy" early on in the relationship; rather than later when money, time and bodily fluids have been exchanged.

Sex

Sex is always better when you haven't seen someone for a long time, duh?  Therefore, you will say and do things that you wouldn't ordinarily do.  The Internet has a way of amplifying our experiences especially if you have participated in some steamy conversations online.  However, is the way the person looks, what they promise, and how they romanticize you enough to keep you interested offline?  Just be honest with yourself.  Remember, most of the time you spend with this person you won't be having sex.  Look beyond the physical and what he says/she says.  What more can this person provide you besides what every other male or female before this person gave you?  Some of you know how you can be when you have some great sex with someone--don't lose your mind yet again!

Money/Gifts

When you aren't in the presence of someone often, it is tempting to give this person nice things.  Some couples move just as quickly into their finances as they do sex--notice your online friend or possibly yourself buying this person's favor.  Some gullible and desperate types (you know the ones who haven't been with a man/woman in months or years) try to keep a relationship going with an online friend by giving more money and gifts even when they start to notice this person is showing he or she doesn't like them much, is acting distant, in a relationship with someone else, and more.  You have to wonder what kind of person would keep chatting/dating someone who is emotionally and/or physically unavailable. 

If you lost contact once, twice, or maybe three times before you finally met this person, don't be so quick to assume that it must be in the cards for us to be together.  Not necessarily.  Ask yourself, "Could it be that my personal needs are not being fulfilled at this time in my life and I am just using this person to help me for the time being?"  Of course, it sounds wonderful when someone is willing to help you out of your financial storm, your sexless lifestyle, and other things, but seriously, what is really going on with you or that person?  Why the rush?

Many serial Internet daters, players, and has-beens (you know people who use to be hot, but aren't now) frequent sites to see if there is someone (anyone) who can help/sex/motivate/move them in their finances, business endeavors, family, spirituality, and more.  The needs become more important than the overall plan to have a happy, healthy marriage (and children, that's right some will rush that too) one day.  Selfish people ask, "What can I get from this person I met online?"  Kind-hearted people ask, "What might I be able to do to help this person and myself?"

Think about it before you do it.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Laboring to Love Myself, and other books.  Watch Nicholl's videos here.  Visit her blog about various abuse issues here. 

Relationship writer and author Nicholl shares experiences and thoughts on YouTube

If your personal relationship with your heavenly Father isn't right, chances are you are struggling in other areas of your life more than most.  Get some insight as to how you can incorporate spirituality in your daily living.  Start listening and watching inspirational videos at YouTube channel nmenterprise7 to help you get on track, see here.

Pros and Cons of Dating Someone Attractive

Let’s face it, there are people in this world that are absolutely stunning--better looking than most. Some are not only beautiful to view, but have a great personality too. So for those singles who are determined to capture a partner that is his or her ideal mate (and keep him or her), the less attractive individual (with the less than stellar personality) has to work harder than most.

It is rare that you will find a person that just fits everything you ever wanted in a mate. Sure, the date will have his or her flaws, but the goodness of one’s heart and beauty should outweigh them. So if the buxom blonde or debonair gentleman is sweet on your eyes, then you know there are a million others who would agree.

Insecurity

When one is dating someone who is nicer looking, smarter, and overall tends to have a better outlook on life, he or she is going to have to be mentally and physically secure with who he or she is personally and professionally. Having a faith, a nice job, a healthy body, an awesome personality, and more, helps overcome those insecure emotions (ie. jealousy). But when one is lacking in most of these character traits, he or she will be nothing more than a thorn in an attractive mate’s side. However, the positive to dating someone, who isn’t as attractive, is that this person will try a little harder to appease the one who is eye-dropping gorgeous--that is until he or she has a few too many bruised ego moments. It is then that the “okay looking” will start misbehaving--good-looks won’t matter by then.  This is why when you hear of someone breaking up with that "fine...sexy..." don't assume they made a grievous error letting that person go.  Sometimes beautiful turns ugly then one can't wait to rid his or herself of that problem person.

Attention

From eye-rolls to eye stares, people will admire the handsome one from afar or come too close for comfort. The attention can be a bit unnerving. You may find yourself paying more attention to whose watching the two of you; rather than focusing your gaze on your partner. Yet, attention can be a good thing when you are looking for some sort of benefit at a store, restaurant or elsewhere. Some individuals and groups tend to give attractive looking couples a little more favor when in their presence. Although this sort of behavior is petty and unfair, many people do it from relatives to strangers on the street.  "She is so pretty, come sit by me.  I like him--he is so handsome.  You both will make some great looking kids.  I'll help you both if you decide to get married."  Get my point?

Attitude

You won’t always find that apple in your eye a nice person to be with. This is why one must look beyond the surface. Some pretty women and good-looking men just don’t have it together upstairs like their not-so nice-looking mates. For far too many years a person may have been called, “sexy, cute, attractive…” to the point where it goes to his or her head. The one who may have been described as, “okay, alright, ugly…” my have a hard time feeling comfortable with the one who seems to be eye-balled everywhere they go. Two people with odd behaviors associated with the way they both look may annoy most. Sometimes people overcompensate for what they lack by becoming obsessed with their households, body shape, hair color, clothing and accessories, and other stuff--they also tend to brag a lot. A nice-looking person, who lacks intelligence, might turn out to be one’s worst nightmare--so guard your finances, your children, and anything else you deem important!

Conniving

Watch as well as pray. Daddy’s darling and Momma’s boy have much practice manipulating people. Chances are his or her parents have advised them to use what they got to get what they want. So the beautiful one tosses back her hair, laughs a little, and makes her move to get a man to stop staring and start sharing his what is in his wallet. The tall, dark and handsome type knows how to walk and talk to get a woman to drop her guard and her panties. Those that feel like they won a prize are going to be led astray from their responsibilities if they aren’t too careful. Before long, they are left in the dust like tumbleweeds wondering, “What happened? I thought we were so good together?”

As you can see, there are some pros to dating someone who is exceptionally beautiful. You can be motivated by this person’s attentive care to his or her body to do better yourself. You might even find you need an attitude adjustment, so that you too can be more confident in who you are. But what you will not find in someone, who is in love with self, is a person who will care much about you in the end.  He or she will be more concerned about who will be the next victim to do for him or her. 

Pay attention to those "sexy types" who are insecure, manipulative, and outright arrogant. Stay away from them and others who are temperamental, bossy and rude--no matter how attractive. You can save yourself a lot of heartbreak if you follow wise counsel.

Nicholl McGuire

Had Enough of the Relationship/Dating Drama Yet?

You might be partnered with someone who is really starting to work your nerves.  It seems that whenever he or she comes around, your flesh crawls and you walk on egg shells.  You might even have to tell yourself, "Try not to say anything...remember what happened the last time...do better."  Then before you know it, you are caught in that trap of discord again.  You start thinking about breaking free from your misery, but then...you opt out.  You recall just how much you love this person you can't seem to dismiss out of your life.  (For some of you reading this, a break up is not an option at this time--keep reading).

So what will you do the next time an argument breaks out?  Run to a relative or friends house?  Break every wall or door in the house?  Gossip about your mate to anyone willing to hear?  Argue until you both cry?  What, what will you do?  If you are doing any of the things previously mentioned, it is only a matter of time that all hell is going to break loose until the point of no return--police are called, someone is arrested or worse beaten, family show up and make your partner their business, etc.  If you really want to be with your mate, you have to make a change!

One.  Plan for the next argument.

It will happen especially if you are in a relationship with someone who is stubborn, strong-willed, or even crazy.  So you will need to plan what you are going to do.  Choose an exit from the disagreement that has the least amount of drama and then work yor way up to whatever it is that you truly want to do (ie. get married, stay married, break up, move, relocate...)  Don't hide your emotions and don't fight like a boxer either.  Figure out what your strategy might be when the yelling or crying starts.  Is this person someone you sincerely want to be with?  Then don't do anything that will jeopardize that.  Downplay the friction by not contributing to it.  Cursing, screaming, and fighting is not going to do anything more than damage your reputation, scare the witnesses, and make your partner want to handle you in whatever way is going to get you off his or her back.

Two.  Don't assume that everything your mate says is right, honest, and clearly illustrates how he or she truly feels.

You may disagree with the way your mate does things, yet agree that every negative thing he or she threatens is correct and you are going to do something about it too.  Hold off on the revenge tactics.  Not everyone in the heat of battle means what they say.  "But he said...and you just don't know...and if she ever acts like she is going to...I believe he means it this time!"  I could hear someone say. 

When someone really means something, they begin making their exit out of the home, they stop calling and coming around, they may even change their name and relocate to another city.  If your mate is still doing the typical things you are use to seeing him or her do, this person isn't going anywhere.  However, just in case he or she is acting like it is over, you might want to do the necessary things to start severing your ties to the relationship--only after there is significant proof.  Check out the break up articles on this blog.

Three.  Stop checking up on your mate, going through his or her things, surfing the Internet behind him or her, thinking negative things, etc.

The drama will continue to go on as long as you keep doing the kinds of things that say, "I don't trust you and I never will.  You are going to leave me, I just know it!"  The more you look for drama, the more you will upset yourself and those around you (ie. children).  People pick up on tension.  When you know that someone has a long history of being dishonest, you don't need any further proof.  Rather, you ought to think about why you are still with this person. 

Four.  Avoid trying to do more if you know you have already done enough.

How many things do you have to buy to prove your love?  How much sex do you have to put out to show you are interested?  How many family events do you have to attend to show everyone you stand by your man/woman?  What more do you have to say and do to show your mate you love him or her? 

You may be the one who is acting unappreciative or vice versa in the relationship.  If this is the case, then it would make sense to stop expecting more from your mate when it is obvious that he or she is still very much interested in you.  On the other hand, if you are the one trying to do your best, if your best is still not good enough, there is obviously something wrong with the person you are with.  Don't give more, start scaling back.  Less is best, at least for a time, because you are sending your mate a message, "You are taking advantage of me, if you want to keep me, stop critiquing/lying/asking/demanding more from me!"  However, if you withhold too much, too soon and for too long, you will create more drama that you just might not be able to manage.  Hold back enough to disrupt the atmosphere a little, pray (if you have a faith) then do your part to assist your loved one.  For instance, he constantly offers his opinion on something you do around the house, stop doing it for a time and leave it up to him.  She feels the need to check up on you often, don't answer her phone calls for a time and then explain why.

Consider the tips discussed and ponder on what else might be going on in your relationship that could be causing so much drama.  Write a note or make a recording of your thoughts.  Then reflect back on what you said or did during your last argument.  Listen or re-read your notes.  Chances are you might discover what role or lack thereof you might be playing in your relationship/dating dramas.  Put a stop to whatever is tearing you two apart!  God bless.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mothers Cry and Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate. 

What You Need To Know About Liars

Whether you are in a new relationship or still trying to figure out an old one, chances are you either have been lied to or suspect your mate is lying to you again, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this article. To determine whether your mate is being honest with you the next time you question him or her, you will want to pay attention to the following signs. Although these clues may vary with some people, they are very popular with most liars.

Let’s begin with one common tactic used by liars. You have approached him or her with a question followed by proof. He or she is obviously upset that you found out the truth. They will look for reasons to find faults with you also known as shifting blame. “Well if you hadn’t went through my things we wouldn’t be arguing? It’s because of your insecurity is why I did what I did.”

A softer tactic a liar will use to get off the hot seat is the all important phone call, meeting, or some other event. “Can this wait? I really have to go.” In addition, they may even throw in a quick, “You know I love you and you are the only one for me.”

Other distractions are touching, making jokes, coming up with a sudden emergency, or making up similar excuses to get away from you, so that it allows them time to assess the situation and come up with another lie to cover up the one you just found out.

Liars will easily become defensive by accusing you of “wanting to pick a fight” or another good one “What’s with all the questions?” This is another attempt to buy some time to come up with a good story.

The wild, wide-eyed look is a great Kodak moment. They are trying to figure out what all do you really know. They are obviously in shock that you were smart enough to figure out their lie.

Bill Clinton used this next one. It’s called “deny everything.” Deny you were there, said it, or did it, and anything else you can deny. The liar’s goal is to make you feel as if you are crazy and second-guess what you thought you heard or saw. Don’t try to talk yourself out of what you know he or she is guilty. Listen to your gut.

Liars feel like you are attacking them when you ask probing questions, so they will attack back. “Where were you last week when I called? Do I ask you about the people you talk to on the phone?” They may even call you a name or two just to get you off their back.

Without proof, what’s the use in asking a liar questions, right? Maybe you don’t want to reveal how you found out at least not at that moment. If you tell him or her that you can prove they are lying, they will encourage you to show your proof. The liar wants to call your bluff. When they see you are not bluffing, be prepared to hear another lie. They will discredit the proof or ask you how you got this. Don’t ever tell them exactly how you got anything! If you intend to stay with them a little while longer, you will want to follow up on a later date to see if they have developed a new habit like telling the truth. The liar will be more careful next time if you reveal all your secrets.

Some liars will have a quirky smile on their face. It isn’t meant to be positive, it’s really a frown turned upside down—a look of getting caught. Following the smile, the eyes will drop to the floor or look away from you.

There is the all-important pause after the question was asked or the “I didn’t hear you” act. There is nothing wrong with his or her hearing; they heard you the first time. They just need the time to think like with all the other tactics. While they are pausing watch how the eyes are looking away or down to the floor again, thinking of “What should I say?”

In summary, when a liar has been busted. Remember to first watch the facial expression. Facial muscles will either tense up or drop. The look is sorrowful or sad. Then gradually his or her mood will become angry. For temperamental people they will skip feeling sad and go right into the emotional anger outburst. Next, the liar will find an excuse to avoid talking about it further. They will not want to look at your face; instead they look down or away from you. The liar will make up a story to cover up the lie told. Some liars will tell only part of the truth and later come back asking for your forgiveness. Liars will want to try to make up immediately. From sex to gift giving, whatever makes you happy. Lastly, they will promise they won’t do it again. However, old habits die hard so expect to be lied to again until they grow tired of getting busted.

Here’s where many people who find out they have been lied to make mistakes. They continue to act as if everything is okay after the confrontation. In the beginning, you may have been angry, sad, or tearful, but you got over it and acted as if all was forgotten. You never held them accountable for their actions, nor did you follow up to see if he or she is telling you the truth. You are sold on their promises to never do it again.

Some victims of liars become obsessed with finding out more information and begin to nag their mates about everything. The key to healing is to know what you will do if they do it again. Give he or she the benefit of the doubt, but protect your heart by not being so trusting. If you don’t have peace in the relationship, it will turn into a vicious cycle of break up to make up. Do you really want that circus in your life? If you know there is no hope for change, don’t stick around. However, if you know there is some hope, then forgive and try to forget by not bringing their fault back up to them. Liars will confide in the one who they cheated with, a friend or family member with some of your relationship problems, but they will not tell them the whole story. Eventually when you have had enough of the endless cycle of make up to break up over lies, you will be sending him or her their walking papers. Although you may or may not ever find out the whole truth, whatever you do, embrace what you have found out and use it to set you free.

Nicholl McGuire

How do you know you love someone?

There will be a time in life you may have questions whether you truly love someone and whether he or she loves you. Couples need assurance when things seem to go wrong. They need to know they are loved and appreciated. How do you know you are loved? What are you doing to show love? How do you know that your fiancé really loves you?

Years ago you may have fallen in love with a girl or boy in high school. Back then adults may have accused you of not knowing anything about love. They may have been right. True love is comprised of so much more than the heavy petting and kissing that went on as a teenager. It’s unfortunate, but many adults are still using a night of good sex and nice favors as signs they are in love. When one is truly in love, you will see their behaviors change whether good or bad and people will take notice. Being sick with love is just that, the stomach and head will ache with some people. Others will experience a temporary feeling of wanting to be around their lover all the time. Other signs include: an overwhelming desire to please by spending large sums of money they may or may not have, showing their new love interest off to everyone they know, public affection, a willingness to participate in another’s interests, and talk of marriage and children.

To find greater insight on whether you love your significant other and whether they love you are as follows. These key points were created to help you quickly determine whether your relationship demonstrates true love.

Think of past actions you have done to show him or her that you love them. When you ponder on the past what is the first thing that comes to mind? Did you remember acknowledging he or she on holidays? Did you unexpectedly surprise him or her by cleaning up the house? These are the little ways that say you love them. However, the bigger ways of showing love can come from the times you were tempted to do something that could have hurt your spouse, such as having lunch with an old flame, conducting sexy internet chat, or visiting the strip club, but you chose to avoid the risks.

In the busy world that we live in, the need for some alone time also known as “me time” is a great way to show love. Your relationship may need it, but you will have to be sure by communicating this with your lover. Don’t ever take your own need or theirs to be alone for granted. During those quiet moments, both of you can renew your minds, receive clarity on burdening issues or simply rest. When you both have had some time to yourself, don’t forget to come together to make love. Some couples forget to come out of the “me time” and eventually fall out of love.

One of the best ways you may have already shown you love your special someone is to understand his or her reactions to tragedy, rejection, disappointments, and other negative circumstances. Have you ever heard a person give their spouse the highest praise? Do you know why they will brag about their mate being great, wonderful, and loyal? The reason for this is due to the times they witnessed their mate demonstrate the highest courage and/or support when he or she needed them the most. It’s unfortunate but so many relationships could have been successful if a spouse would have utilized an unfortunate circumstance to mend their husband or wife’s broken heart.

Show love by planning for the future. When you include your mate in a future plan such as visiting a foreign country, relocating to a new city, buying a house, or having a baby, you are sending a clear message that you love them and want them in your life long term. People who aren’t in love usually do not include their mates in their future plans.

Another way to see love manifest in your relationship is to respect one another’s dreams. A mate who stands by their lover’s dreams is willing to help accomplish them and make sacrifices, is definitely in love.

You may have met some people who have inspired you in the past. These people have helped shape you into the person you are today. You will also meet people in the future that can help you grow both personally and professionally. A mate who loves you will not isolate you from the people, places, and things that can benefit the both of you.

Watch for your mate’s responses. Now that you have reflected on the love you have shown, evaluated whether you have been considerate and understanding, and planned for the future, now it’s time to think of the love that your mate has shown you. Is the love equal to what you have given him or her in the past or does it lack? When problems in the past arose within your relationship, did he or she encourage you to overcome? When holidays came, were you acknowledged? Does he or she provide you with physical pleasure? One of the biggest concerns people who have cheated voiced about their spouses is that they don’t appreciate them. An unresponsive mate may love their spouse, but love has to be shown through action. Inaction will only cause unnecessary problems in the relationship.

Find solutions to problems when they arise. Being in love also stems from couples knowing how to correct concerns before they become huge problems. When one is still in love with his or her mate, they are willing to compromise on issues. For instance, if a husband is not spending time with his wife and she has voiced her concern, he will attempt to do something about it. When a wife is told by her husband to stop nagging him, she will try to do things differently.

Relationships can and will grow stale; however, as long as couples are willing to make some changes, the love for one another will continue to grow. If you are unsure whether or not your mate loves you, put him or her to the test by observing whether he or she is addressing concerns you have raised, if not, then you will know that your relationship is in serious trouble.

Love is not just about saying, “I love you.” Rather, when someone honestly loves you they have made you a part of their being. This means they carry your influence with them wherever they go, they enjoy your company, they speak positively about you, and they appreciate the things you do for them. You may have heard someone say I feel that something is wrong with my friend and the friend may be living thousands of miles away. When two people are close they know when something is bothering each other and will want to support one another. Just as we would defend ourselves if someone attempted to attack us mentally or physically, love will fight, encourage, support, and persevere despite our mate’s faults. That is why you will hear some people say, “Love is blind.” The purest definition of love can be found in the Christian Bible I Corinthians 14. Let that be your guide on what it means to sincerely love someone. 

Nicholl McGuire

Why Your Boyfriend Talks To Everyone But You

When it comes to the things that matter in his life, you notice he is talking to everyone but you. When exactly you noticed his behavior doesn’t matter, he could have suddenly acted this way or he could have gradually became distant. All you know is that he is different and you need some help analyzing why, so that you can put your plan B into motion, that is if you have one. So review the signs that follow then create a plan for yourself and/ or relationship that will bring you love and peace.

In the beginning of the relationship he was “all smiles” with you. He shared stories of his daily events, how you made him feel, and future plans of how he hoped to spend life with you. Nowadays he isn’t saying much more than a “hello” and a “goodbye.” Here’s what may have happened.

He doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you. There may have been moments where he said or did something that upset you in the past. He may worry that you will “blow up” or say something that will hurt his feelings, so he rather keep to himself.

Someone started advising him about his life choices. He could have met you at the bar, found a minimum wage job, failed to pay a relative back, got someone pregnant and didn’t care for the child, or did something else that someone felt they had to confront him about. Don’t think for one minute men don’t share how they feel about their girlfriends or wives with other people. A man always has at least one person, maybe as many as four or more people he consults with for advice on the things that matter to him the most: his girl, money, health and sports. Whoever this person(s) is they have told him some things that have motivated him to do or not do something about the choices he has made in his life or made him feel guilty. Whatever he has done, he is trying to figure out a way to fix it and he doesn’t feel comfortable talking with you about it, because it may involve you.

An ex came back on the scene. She made a significant impact on his heart and mind in the past. She may come back just to see how happy he really is and to shake things up a bit with questions such as “Do you still love me? What if we would have never broken up? I realize the mistakes I made, do you want to try again? How about meeting me for lunch?”

He had disagreements with you that he couldn’t get over. Some men will keep everything inside for fear of being viewed as “the bad guy.” How people see them is more important to them, then sharing what they feel. Rather than explaining to you what it is that made him change toward you, he will wait for you to pull it out of him. Then later become more upset that “you made him angry.” If he could have shared what was bothering him, then you wouldn’t have had to use extreme measures to extract information like yell your head off!

His friends have made him the butt of some of their jokes. Single men are jealous of their married friends. They will talk about all the benefits of being single in front of their friends, but at night when they are all alone, they will wish for a steady mate. Your boyfriend may have been criticized for being smitten with you. They may have accused him of “changing” or “not coming around as much” since you have come into his life.

He took out the calculator one day and saw you as an expense. Business minded men with goals have a way of looking at the big picture. When he decided to include some additional goals in his life plan, he figured that the money he was spending on you, he could be saving hence the change of attitude and heart.

He has a health issue that he isn’t ready to talk to you about. His last doctor’s appointment may have included some news he didn’t want to hear. Depending on his age, he may be going through a mid life crisis. If he is in denial, then he can’t talk about it and if he isn’t then for some men, they won’t.

He cheated and now he feels guilty. Struggling with trying to find the words to say and trying to make sense of those lustful feelings, he won’t be very talkative or maybe too talkative about everything but what is on his mind.

He has new interests, hobbies, and goals that are occupying his thoughts. Taking up a new hobby or job is exciting and if he thinks that you aren’t that excited about his new venture, he’s not going to share any information about it.

His job or schooling has become increasingly more stressful. No one likes to share feelings when they are stressed. It takes time to unwind, process new feelings, and then talk about them. In time, when he is ready he will share what he may be going through at work or school. Be supportive.

He has learned something about you that he doesn’t like. Hopefully you were honest about your life to him. No one should have to tell your life’s story for you, but if they have then you may want to find out what he knows.

He either isn’t in love with you or doesn’t love you anymore. To this all you can do is look out for yourself. When you have created the opportunity for him to tell you how he feels and he doesn’t come clean, spends time blaming you, accuses you of “not allowing him to speak” or “that’s why I can’t talk to you,” and using other phrases to digress from the topic at hand, leave him be. He isn’t worth wasting any more time. Move on with your life and next time pay better attention in the beginning of the relationship to the following warning signs: dishonesty about his past life, avoidance of topics that he would have to share how he feels, covers up who he is talking to or where he is going, protective of personal documents, and suddenly or gradually becomes distant (meaning not being intimate, conversing with you, buying gifts or doing anything to make the relationship better even after being told about the problems.)

The only way that you can get to the bottom of why your boyfriend doesn’t talk to you is to communicate. Start off by sharing information with him about what you have noticed. Tell him how it makes you feel. Wait for a response. If you don’t agree with what he is telling you, then say so. Some men will say things just to pacify you or keep you from finding out what really bothers them. Don’t allow him to make you feel like a trouble- maker. When some men don’t want to talk, they make accusations and place blame just to upset you and get you off their back. If things become too heated, retreat and come back another time. However, if you have made many attempts to extract information and he still chooses to keep what really is bothering him to himself, then you will have to resort to giving ultimatums at the risk of ending the relationship. Do what makes you feel at peace and don’t give up until you get what you want.

The Side Effects of Going Without Sex

When was the last time you had sex? If you answered, “last night” then this article isn’t for you. Check out my articles on other relationship topics. However, for those people who can’t remember when they last had sex or choose to deliberately go without sex, this article is for you. There are many reasons people go without sex. Your mate or you may be going without it for religious reasons, a pregnancy, illness, a lack of trust, or dare I say it, for strategic reasons. Sad but true, some people will cut off sex in their relationships if they feel other needs aren’t being met such as a desire to marry, obtain material possessions, and receive attention.

Whatever your reason or your mate’s for not having sex, the following ten points will help you understand and prepare for the “side effects” that may happen.

Irritability. It’s like the feeling you get when someone calls you too many times to do something. The slightest thing that happens around you sets you off, because you just want to be left alone. A mentally stable human being is designed to desire another’s affections. As early as infancy we knew to cry to get someone’s attention whether it was to be fed, held, changed, or something else. A touch would let us know as babies that someone is tending to our needs. As adults if we don’t receive a touch from the one we love, we can easily assume this person isn’t interested in tending to our needs.

Anger Outbursts. Someone or something just may catch one of these. It may be a small oversight on the part of our mate, they may have forgotten to do or say something, so we explode. The real reason we are angry isn’t about the forgotten things, but it is really due to the lack of sexual intimacy.

Insecurity. “Where were you last night? Who called you? What are you looking at on the Internet?” If he or she hasn’t asked you so many questions before, then it is fair to assume that the lack of sex is catching up to him or her. However, you might be the one asking the questions and if so, then you may need to make the time to communicate your needs, reach a compromise, and hopefully make love some day soon.

Sadness. This feeling will suddenly come without notice. You will begin to think about the past and how great it felt being sexually active with your mate. The feelings of sadness may be so intense at times it may make you cry. Be careful because this feeling can easily turn into a depression if it lingers too long. Watch out if you find that you or your mate is beginning to let their appearance and body go downhill and if the things they use to enjoy they don’t anymore.

Withdrawal. This reaction may result from the depression. He or she isn’t interested in communicating with you anymore or vice versa. You may find he or she is annoying now that the two of you aren’t intimate.

Temptations. He or she may begin to take notice of co-workers and friends. This may be happening with you too. If you find that your mate is talking about one particular person more than others or suddenly becoming very vague about the details of his or her day, this is a warning that slowly but surely a casual lunch may turn into a bedroom romp.

Dreams. Have you ever dreamed of an ex or an attractive co-worker? It doesn’t necessarily mean you want to be with them (unless you secretly do,) but it could mean that you and your mate have some unresolved differences that need to be addressed. The ex and co-worker are also symbolic of a desire to escape the problems of your current relationship and a reminder of what you need to do in your waking life to make things right before it’s too late.

Negative Thoughts/ Finding Faults. At times you may experience feelings of dislike, anger toward your lover or place blame. You will begin to ponder on his or her flaws as a way to turn off feelings of wanting to be with them. You may think, “She isn’t all that pretty anyway. I don’t know what I ever saw in her.” Don’t take these thoughts too seriously. This is just your mind and body warning you that you are on your way to falling out of love with him or her if you or they don’t start changing attitudes about sexual intimacy.

Eye Rolling. You may have been caught by your mate being negative with your eyes or they may have been guilty. Eyes are truly the windows to the soul.

Eyes that once admired you will no longer when needs aren’t being met.

Separation/Breakup. This is the worst side effect of all. When needs have been discussed and changes don’t occur, mates will plan to leave. First, the mind begins to lose interest. Next, the heart loses feelings. Lastly, the soul desires to take it all and go away. It’s just that simple.

Whether you are a Christian struggling to make a change sexually in your relationship or your lover is disgruntled and just can’t seem to forgive, know that to suddenly stop having sex in a relationship that once had been, will only hurt the one you love. It is better to look for alternatives to enhance your relationship with both God and man.

Nothing More Than a Fantasy: A Work of Fiction by Nicholl McGuire

“It wasn’t what she looked like,” explained Paul. “It was how she acted, the way she spoke. She was so honest and open about herself that is why I fell in love with her.” Paul, a 35- year-old teacher enjoyed beautiful beaches, breath-taking mountains and exquisite structures such as the leaning tower of Pisa, one of his favorites. “I knew she was the one. She exuded a positive energy. The kind only found in the presence of someone holy or extraordinarily charismatic! I love that woman.” Helena listened intently to his love story. She desired to experience the love that Paul had so eloquently spoke about. She wanted someone to come into her life and sweep her off her feet. Helena was a 5 foot 6 inch beauty queen with legs that any man would want to capture and place on his bedroom wall. Her dark, brown wavy long hair and full lips made women look twice with daggers of jealousy in their eyes. Wherever she went men would stare from afar and motion for her to come and talk with them. She never did, she only smiled and nodded. While committed men, with companions on their arms, would walk by her stealing glances.

Helena was an office manager for a temporary agency. She was unhappy with her job these days and found the best part of her day was having lunch with co-workers. She enjoyed Paul’s conversation. She never found him attractive in her eyesight, but he was a nice guy--the type who wasn’t very interesting, yet not necessarily boring either. Helena was in search of a man who was not only handsome on the outside, but had a heart of gold. She visited churches, libraries, clubs, grocery stores, colleges, drug stores and any other place that could aid her in her search for a good man. However, with all her searching she came up with nothing. 

“So how are you doing these days, Helena?” Paul was sincere in his questioning Helena he wanted so much for her to be happy, but he knew that she wasn’t happy with herself and he felt that this unhappiness could be one of the problems that kept Helena from meeting Mr. Right. “Oh okay,” Helena answered unconvincingly. “I could be better, but I just don’t know what is wrong with me. They just don’t like me.” Paul would use this opportunity to provide Helena with some instruction on what she needed to do to get them to like her. “I don’t feel you are very positive these days about your life. You desire love, but have you ever really examined yourself. Do you love you? This should be the first question you ask yourself before you continue your pursuit. Do you honestly love you?” 

Helena was baffled. As far as she knew, she did love herself and she really didn’t understand why Paul would ask her this question. She thought by her hair, makeup, dress and warm smile it was obvious that she was confident in who she was and that she loved herself. Paul was perking up in his straight-back chair in the lunchroom. His hands folded sitting at the lunchroom table next to his half-eaten sandwich. “I know you think I am strange for putting you on the spot like this, but if you think that wearing nice clothes and smiling is going to make a man think you love yourself, think again.” 

Paul was on a roll and she knew when he perked up he was ready to let her have it. “You are a beautiful woman, but you have to convey that beauty not only from the outside, but that beauty has got to manifest itself from the inside as well. Your walk and your talk must convey love. You have to tell yourself, yes, I am a strong woman and I do like men, but I like me even more.  Tell that man in so many ways, 'I expect you to do your best to satisfy me, because I love me.'  In time, the love you show yourself will transcend to that man who really wants to be with you.  He will experience that love and make every effort to love you. We men love through action and you women love through voice. You communicate every emotion through words. We communicate every emotion through action. Then together we find a balance where we are best able to respond to one another. The best relationships are balanced in this way.” 

Helena wanted to say something, but she was at a lost for words because she was pondering on what he had been telling her. Helena knew it was time to begin to really examine herself and build up the love she had inside than she could continue with her search. “Thanks Paul for all you told me. It is true, I must examine myself to see if I really do love myself. I believe the best medicine for me, would be to relax from all the hustle and bustle of single life.” 

Paul was happy as always to help Helena. Sometimes he thought if he hadn’t met the woman if his dreams, he may have asked Helena for her hand in marriage, but he never told her this and he vowed he never will.  Helena glanced at her watch and noticed the time, it was only a few minutes until she had to get back to work. She thanked Paul again and told him she had to go, Helena didn’t want to be late getting back to the office.

The temporary agency, Jacobs Clerical Temps, had been doing well this quarter. Clients were calling everyday sometimes twice a day seeking temporaries for home offices, large and small companies and even odd places like a farmhouse located in a rural area north of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. 

Helena had been working at the agency for over ten years, she had started out as a part-time receptionist. The thirty-year-old had seen managers and consultants come and go during her decade at the workplace and she would receive a bonus for every time a person left. Helena was exceptional at multi-tasking and would take on the roles of Secretary, Sales Consultant, Advertising Manager, Interviewer and Janitor on any given day until positions were filled. After her first five years of service, she had been asked if she was interested in the Office Manager position. The old manager had left due to her newborn son’s chronic illnesses.  She accepted the offer and has been working the position ever since.

“Helena, welcome back. Hope your lunch was good, listen type these notes for me and make copies. I will need these for my 3:00,” said Albert.  A senior executive from the Sales Department, Albert was the life of the company’s party. Short, round and bald, but cute like a cuddly brown stuffed bear, he made the most miserable person smile. 

Albert had been asking Helena for years to type his notes, even though it wasn’t her job, she did it anyway. Albert had a great sense of humor and never forgot her birthday, so she wasn’t annoyed when he asked her for favors. “Sure, I will drop them off in the board room.” With that, Albert quickly thanked her and left chocolates on her desk, not just any kind but those tasty ones that came in those fancy boxes wrapped in a beautiful red bow. “Thank you!” Helena exclaimed as she gradually unraveled the bow to take a peak. “Peanut Clusters, my favorite and its not even my birthday!”

Helena sat back in her high-back leather chair to enjoy the fresh piece of chocolate that tempted her taste buds for another and another. After three eaten chocolates, sticky fingers and a cough that came out of nowhere, she closed the box up and guilty put it away in the bottom drawer of her desk underneath some loose papers. “I just ate lunch and here I go eating again.” Helena began to type Albert’s notes. She found his notes interesting as she typed and was curious about an upcoming event entitled, “Staff Fiesta at Club Fayscos.” The thought of single, available dark-haired fit men clouded her mind. What if she met her fantasy guy at the club? Helena’s dream guy was a 6’1 tanned Latin stallion who periodically made visits in her dreams.  He would walk slowly toward her with his long black mane. 

The nameless chiseled chest man would take her by the hand while he moved his hips from right to left twirling her around her hair tossing back and fourth.  Then he would gently whisper in her ear with a Spanish accent and a deep voice, “Would you like to come with me and get something to eat?”  She would agree. Strangely, the dream would end with the sexy man leading her off the dance floor and walking her out the front door of Fayscos. Together they walk to his black convertible, he opens the passenger side of the car door.  Then he gets in the car and drives down an open highway of Nowheresville, while she is thinking about getting to Somewheresville her house or his. Helena's dream is always interrupted.  When she attempts to recall the dream during the day,  the scenes come to a halt due to a ringing phone, a complaining co-worker or an aggravated client.

A creative work by Nicholl McGuire