Thursday

How to Deal With Ex-Boyfriends

You got an ex boyfriend that keeps bothering you emotionally or physically?  You need to deal with "this issue" before it ruins your future happiness with someone else.  How to Deal With Ex-Boyfriends

Friday

When Seeking a Date at a Family Function

There are some dos and don'ts when trying to connect with someone at a family function.  If you don't want to be the butt of jokes, ashamed, or marked as a jerk or some other bad name, watch what you say and do.  Unlike others just enjoying time with the family, you are on a mission--good luck!

Here are some of the don'ts:

1.  Don't talk to anyone with bad breath.  Obvious advice right?  Think about how many people at family gatherings forget they ate something with onions or garlic and now they want to share their hot smelling breath with everyone. 

2.  Don't use a happy time to vent about your frustrations with life, work, government, religion, relationships, etc.  You will surely be marked as a loser!

3.  Don't lie or exaggerate because people who knew you when...will blow your cover.

As follows, here are some of the dos:

1.  Do ask questions.

2.  Do compliment your potential date.

3. Do listen to your potential date and do take the time to introduce this person to someone you know at the family gathering that he or she might not, share an interesting hobby, point out an interesting photo, etc.

Simple enough tips, right?  Let's see how you'll do.  Be sure to come back to this blog and tell your story.

Nicholl McGuire

Wednesday

Five tips for feuding couples

The following link is simple, rational advice for healthy couples.  Those who are in dysfunctional relationships should use this to compare.  Sometimes you need a healthy model of how to deal with issues in order to determine whether trying over and over again with a partner is really worth it.

Five tips for feuding couples

5 Things You Need to Know When Talking to Mothers about their Children

Whether you are single and have no children of your own or considering dating someone with children, there are some things you just don’t say if you hope to have a great relationship with a mom.

One.  “I would never…”

Every mother is different in the way she handles issues when it comes to her children.  What you might consider wrong, offensive, rude, or downright crazy, in her mind, she may not think so.  Consider this, if what she is doing is that bad, you might want to talk with a professional to see if you can get some help for her.  But if what she is doing is really no different than most mothers, then your personal thoughts on what you “would never do" are yours alone and should be kept to yourself.

Two.  “If that were my child…”

Once again, another personal opinion of what one believes he or she would do in a similar situation.  If you don’t want conflict with a doting mother or would rather not be ignored by her, don’t begin giving unsolicited advice with, “If that were my child…” rather ask, “Would you mind me asking you something about what you just did?” 

Three.  “I have watched children so I know…”

Some people claim to be an authority when it comes to parenting children because, “I watched my brothers and sisters…I have a couple of my own…”  How one trains his or her children may get desired results for that family, but not so much for someone else’s, especially when a son or daughter has been trained by a parent to act a certain way for years.  Sometimes it isn’t the fault of the mother when a child continues to perform in negative ways after being scolded numerous times, consider the father, in-laws, and others who are involved in the child’s life who encourage negativity.  When you see something bothering you about a child, and you call the mother’s attention to it, don’t argue with her when you see she is becoming defensive.  Chances are, she is already upset that the child is behaving the way he or she is and doesn’t need an argument from a witness too.

Four.  “Have you ever thought about how your child might feel…”

Although this is thought of as a nice way of bringing something up about a child to a parent to some who assume they know what's best, it just might turn into a big deal with many mothers.  It all depends on what you say afterward that will either win friends or cause World War III.  So be sure that what you are about to say is worth the possible tongue lashing that might follow.  There are many mothers that actually spend far too much time appeasing their children, acknowledging feelings, and giving them what they want.  Be certain that before you say something like this, she isn’t one of those mothers that is already doing far too much to protect her child’s feelings.

Five.  “I have a degree in…”

If you want to turn a mother off completely, start talking about your professional background when she is trying to manage her children, household, career, and more!  The last thing one should ever do, not just with a mother, but anyone is spout off one’s knowledge.  When someone is obviously struggling with many things, she doesn’t need a mouth, she needs a helping hand preferably with a gift that makes her job easier, helps out with her household, and keeps the children busy.

We can be too quick to speak sometimes, because we think we know what’s best.  When you are in the presence of a mother with children, do more observing and less talking.  Let her share her stories.  You will find the longer you listen to her, the more likely you will find that she has a reason why she says what she says and does what she does when it comes to parenting her children.  One way to communicate a message is to give her a phone number, a flier, or a business card that leads her to some help if you think she needs it or offer your service while expecting nothing in return.

When we take a moment to put ourselves in someone else's shoes, it makes a world of difference in our relationships with others.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mothers Cry 

Learn More About Your Date Without Jumping Into Bed

If you made the mistake once, you most likely made it more times than you can count, take a date home with you only to have sex and then afterward ask yourself, "Do I really know her/him?"

It is such a let down when you find out you really don't have too much in common with your date after far too many episodes of sexing it up then meeting parents, moving in together, a possible proposal, a pregnancy, and more.  You feel like running away, ending it all because, "I should have...I could have...I wish I had..." a little too late when mistakes are already made, some you just have to live with.  But how does one minimize the regrets in a new relationship?

One.  Keep dates out of your apartment/home for as long as you can.

The day you opened that door and let her/him "to stay awhile" is the day that you said, "Let's have sex."  Whether you verbalized it or not at some point he or she is going to expect some action in your bedroom.  Remind yourself, "I don't really know my date well enough to share a glass of water much less a bed together!"

Two.  Don't plan an intimate vacation together that includes a hotel room.

At some point in the relationship one or both of you will want to go somewhere out of town, but is it necessary to room together?  Why awaken something between you two that has yet to fully develop?  Are you seriously considering a committed relationship with this person?  What if she becomes pregnant?  What if he has an incurable STD?  Think before you sleep!

Three.  Value time alone.

Spending time alone helps you think about many things as it relates to your date.  You can prepare questions, conduct research, talk to others about this person, and plan for fun things to do that don't involve a bed.

Here are some things you can do that will not only be interesting, but will help you determine whether your date is compatible with you.

Let's say you like sporting events, then offer to take your date to a game, but watch her/his reaction and then use the opportunity to find out if he/she is a couch potato, beer drinking, loud mouth who doesn't miss a game.  With that information, you will know what most weekends will look like when the newness of the relationship wears off.

Invite this person to a crowded venue.  Use the people atmosphere as a test to see how he or she handles being around others.  Does it irritate him or her that there is so much activity happening around you both?  Does he or she act strange around crowds?  When you see the behavior is odd maybe this person might not do well when you invite him or her to your professional events.

Consider taking a class together.  This is a good way to know whether or not your date is sincerely open to learning new things.  If he or she complains a lot, acts impatient, and often tells you, "I don't like..." then find out what he or she likes and suggest you two take a class together in that too on a later date.  Then compare how he or she behaves between the two classes.  This will also help you find out more about him or her in an environment he or she enjoys and whether or not you could tolerate your date's interest in a committed, long term relationship.

Bring your date to a family event.  Can your date do well amongst curious, bold talking relatives who only want to protect you?

From the grocery store to the library, there are many places you could go together to learn more about one another's interests.  When you look beyond the bedroom, you just might discover things about your date you would have most likely overlooked had you been intimate.  Pay attention to his or her facial expressions when interacting with others.  Notice how he or she dresses and smells when going out with you.  Mix up settings so you get a good idea how he or she dresses for each.  Test this person who might one day be your wife or husband.  Ask a controversial question, make a bold statement about one's views, and question immoral decision-making.

When one is considering someone to be in their lives in the most intimate way, he or she needs to know what is a date bringing or not bringing to the table.  Establish your boundaries early.  Don't give into tempting situations just because your date says, "It's okay...I like you...I love you...you are the best date I ever had...I want to marry you...I will give you money to help you with your problem...I care."  All of these statements are nothing more than lures when one chooses to ignore your boundaries so that he or she can get sex.  Remind this person of your boundaries and mean what you say.  If he or she respects your wishes, then who knows, your date might be a keeper!

Nicholl McGuire

Read more of her work at http://tipsdatingoldermen.blogspot.com

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Friday

5 Things You Seriously Want to Think About When It Comes to Relationship Challenges

When you are in love, you don't want to think about the "what ifs" when it comes to the future of your relationship, rather all you want to do is bask in the glory of being loved and loving!  You don't want anyone telling you anything either, for fear that they might bring a negative energy to your partnership.

For now, you might simply believe that your new lover is much better, nicer, sweeter, etc. then that last one.  But the truth of the matter is, maybe this person is better, but you haven't changed much if not at all.  You are still that person you were who your last partner complained about "...not ever having this, not ever wanting to do that, and why are you always...?"  Maybe for now you are doing certain things for your partner, because you want to make a good impression, but sooner or later that old person in you is going to show up (that is unless you have a faith and feel accountable to the Lord then you might suppress him/her).  When the old man/woman shows up within you, the one you are currently with is going to ask, "Who is this person I am seeing?"  He or she is going to temporarily feel let down until you do something to make him or her stay in love with you.  Your new sweetheart will most likely tell you about "how you made me feel...when you said/did that..." and depending on how much your old man/woman within has done, who knows, your lover might even break up with you.

Now that you are feeling a little concerned, and possibly a tad-bit perturbed that someone is giving you a reality check when you rather be in a fantasy world, keep the following points in mind.  I promise you, I will stay relatively positive.

1.  You are flawed and so is your lover.  Knowing this, embrace him/her even when they don't make you feel your best.  Also, know what you are willing to put up with and what you simply will not.  Be clear and polite when explaining your boundaries, but be open to forgive when he or she messes up.

2.  Don't over-analyze every frown, negative disposition, or tone in one's voice.  There is no way that someone will always meet, greet and answer you in a polite way.  People have good days and bad days and you just have to learn to be understanding.  Chances are his or her issue has nothing to do with you.  Remember this person in your life has others who might impact him or her in a negative way.  When you see your partner is feeling down simply ask, "Is there anything I can do?"  Don't allow pride, a busy schedule or other things keep you from being in tuned to your partner's needs.

3.  Know that just because your family and friends have good relationships doesn't mean that they will always be that way.  Sometimes we like to brag about what someone else has as if somehow we are impressing the one that we are with while hoping that we will have the same longevity in our relationships.  But remember, you are not that lovely couple down the street (and I'm sure your partner doesn't want to be compared to another man or woman either). Further, you don't really know how that couple behaves with one another behind closed doors (see my blog Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate).  So mind your own business and work to make your own relationship something special!

4.  What you want isn't necessarily what your partner wants.  I know that as much as we would like to have most things in common with our partners, most often that just isn't going to happen.  Therefore, don't assume that he or she wants the same meal he or she ordered the last time, likes the same movies and music, and prefers to stay at home every weekend.  If you sincerely love and respect this person, you will at times step out of your comfort zone and ask, "So what would you like to do? What would you like to order?"

5.  Your relationship might be temporary.  There is the possibility that your lover/friend/partner may be moving at a slower pace when it comes to things like: marriage, love, trust, forgiveness, and other things that are significant to the foundation of a relationship, with these things in mind, don't force, coerce, manipulate, or go to God thinking that he will supernaturally come down and make this person move faster, act better, or be all that you want him or her to be.  Remember, if your partner is not totally committed to wanting to be with you, and only you, then this relationship just might be temporary.

Now before you start worrying about the future of your relationship, consider this, you are learning and growing and you can take all that you are experiencing right now in your relationship and treat it like a lemon, make lemonade out of it!  Lemonade is sweet, healthy and helps quench your thirst when you are hot.  Drink until you can't drink anymore.  Once the lemonade runs out, either go make some more or call it quits--either way you got something out of it.  God bless.

Nicholl McGuire is this blog owner and author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic

Wednesday

Worldly Relationships Celebrated in the Movies - YouTube

Do you want a spiritual connection or a worldly one?  What is your model for a successful relationship?  Where do you get your influence to be the best you can be in a relationship?  Are you a player?  Know what you want before you date another person.

Worldly Relationships Celebrated in the Movies - YouTube

15 Ideas From a Mom on Saving Money When You Have a Family | Gomestic

Thought you might be interested in saving money especially if you are a new mom, recently married or inherited some children to take care of besides your own.

15 Ideas From a Mom on Saving Money When You Have a Family | Gomestic

Saturday

7 Sneaky Tactics Controlling Mothers and Mother-in-Laws Will Use

Watch out, tis' the season some narcissistic moms take advantage of their sons and daughters this time of year.  Don't fall for the foolishness!  No sad tears this Mother's Day for you!

7 Sneaky Tactics Controlling Mothers and Mother-in-Laws Will Use

Friday

Wednesday

Dr. Phil.com - Advice - Relationships/Sex

Every now and then, I check in with the Dr. Phil show to see what is the latest craziness going on with some couples and families.  I saw something interesting on his site today that is worth a look.  He has various quizzes you can take on the site that help with learning more about you and how might your issues be causing more harm than good in your relationship.  Click the following:

Dr. Phil.com - Advice - Relationships/Sex

Monday

When You Know You Are Headed for Breakup...

Living together or living apart?  You aren't ready to pack just yet those things you left over his or her house or those things you brought with you when you moved in together.  You also aren't ready to announce to the world you are single despite fantasizing about it often.  But what you are ready for is that slow mental break up.

Some of you know what I am talking about because you are in it right now.  You have sounded the alarm enough times through all those, "Let's talk" conversations.  You said things like, "I hope that we can do XYZ to improve the relationship."  Chances are you didn't really mean it.  You may have also said, "We really ought to make some changes here and there."  So you put some effort, but not much.  Then you threw in, "I sincerely do have feelings for you..."  But, you know this person is not your "one" anymore.

Maybe your partner was listening during your feel-good speeches, but obviously not close enough because it is still business as usual with this person.  He or she is still doing those things you asked him or her not to do.  The minor irritations are now pains.  Lately, your mind has been headed toward that place we call, "Break up."

So what is mental break up like these days despite still being in a physical relationship?  Well for starters, you know you aren't in love.  You rather not ever make love to this person again.  The excuses to avoid being intimate come more frequently.  You also find that just looking at him or her can be too much.  Your eyes begin to wander and you feel like anyone would be better than the person you are with now.  You get along enough with him or her to get some things accomplished around your living quarters, but that's about it.  You might even make a couple's appearance here and there, just to throw people off.  But a future together?  Well these days, that is out of the question!

Your best conversations with this person is when you are talking about important things because you have to, not because you really care much about conversing with him or her.  What really concerns you is no longer any of his or her business.  You save those conversations for family and friends.  Whether your soon-to-be ex knows it or not, your mind has checked out.  You are officially broken up.  Now all you have to do is get your feet to agree.


Tuesday

Bad Women to Avoid

As much as we would like to forget the past, most of us women were bad girls before we became "good" women (which the term is "good" is being stated loosely, because we are all works in progress).

If you are a single man whether spiritual or not, you may want to read this article just to get a refresher on what kind of woman you really ought to stay away from.

Bad Women to Avoid

Negative Chatter about Your Mate in Front of Others? It Might Cost You Your Relationship

Keep talking negative about your partner behind is or her back long enough and then in time, how you really feel starts to show.  Some couples don' know how to behave in front of others when their partners are around.  They start teasing, making disrespectful comments, and pretending as if everything is a joke.  Those of us, who are discerning, can see through the front, the person making the hurtful comments about his or her partner is obviously not happy in the relationship and his or her partner trying to brush off the negativity is being nice for a time, but just wait until we leave from here!

We can avoid a lot of disputes if we just learned how to be on our best behavior with our partners.  The tongue is nothing more than a big problem for many of us.  It blesses and curses.  It yells and it pleasures.  It provides peace, but it also starts wars.  With all the highs and lows, it's any wonder any of us can keep a relationship.

Check out my poetry on intimate relationship challenges here.

Monday

Social Butterflies and Geeks: Can a relationship like this work?

In 2008, there was a reality show entitled, Beauty and The Geek.  It was advertised back then as a social experiment.  Beautiful women with low IQs were paired up with men high in intellect, but weak in social skills.  After watching episodes of this show and thinking back to my own dating experiences, I reasoned the only way that one could manage to stay with the other is if he or she would be able to compromise a big chunk of who he or she was when the lights and camera were put away.  Unless a person is constantly evolving and willing to try new things, in other words come out of his or her shell, a relationship like this simply can't work.

There are always those exceptions to the rule.  The married couple who have been together for 30 plus years.  The college guy dating the ditz.  The broke, busted and disgusted beautiful girl dating the geeky looking computer guy.  Kudos to them!  However, let's just be honest.  How many times did the thought go through their minds, "What do I see in this guy besides his money?  What do I see in this gal besides her beauty?  Seriously, I can do better!"

As much as it's the nice thing to put aside appearances and quirky things in one's personality in order to see the jewel underneath it all, let's face it, it's a lot of work!  You have to tell yourself over and over again, "There's gold somewhere, I know it!  This guy is going to make me fall in love with him one day, I just know it!  She will one day become the apple in my eye, I just believe it.  That's if I can look pass, what I feel, is her illogical reasoning!"  Keep on brainwashing yourself, my friend!

There comes a point in every relationship where it will go through some trying times.  Will the geek come out ahead and be there for you when you really need him?  Will the beauty stop looking at herself long enough to help you?

Sometimes we make relationships more difficult than they ought to be, because we pair ourselves with "special cases" for the sake of being tied to someone; rather than choosing someone who is more our equal.  Some people reason, "Well there is no fun in that..."  Then I would have to ask this question, "Do you want a long-lasting relationship or a challenging one just because you think you need someone different who you 'believe' is fun?" 

Being with someone, like you ie.) similar interests, personality, background, etc. is better emotionally and physically then going out in search of someone who doesn't have much of anything that compliments you.

Nicholl McGuire
I've dated my share of beauties and geeks and it's no walk in the park.

Sunday

What Do Guys Really Want?

If you are a woman currently dating men who seem to be frustrating you about what they really want in a relationship, you might want to read this interesting article on Match.com.  Check it out here.

Monday

You Can't Make Someone Love You...

How many times have you argued with your mate and thought, "Does he/she really love me?  Why does this person keep causing drama between us by doing dumb things?  Doesn't he/she care about how I feel?"  Anyone who continues to do more of the same hurtful things to you, doesn't love you.  Therefore, why do you keep trying to make this person do things that he/she just isn't willing and/or capable of doing?

We have all been guilty of trying to make someone do something that we want in past or current relationships.  We try explaining our dos and don't list, manipulating situations to generate a desired outcome, and getting others to talk to this person.  Some of those past dates just didn't get it, so what did we do? We either kept trying until one or both called it quits.  You can't make someone love you, so we have heard in love songs.  But some of us, are hell-bent on making something work that obviously doesn't work anymore.

The relationship experts tell us to communicate.  So we do.  The best friend whom you confide in advises to, "Stick it out."  But what does your gut say?

Stop arguing, making love, using the silent treatment, gossiping about your mate, and anything else that keeps you upset, and just listen to that quiet voice within, "I can't make you love me if you don't."
Sooner or later that knucklehead will get it, and hopefully he or she will get the message before it's too late.

Nicholl McGuire
Check out my love poems .

Thursday

What You Should Know About Your Partner this Year

It's a new year, happy new year to you and yours!  You know when a new year comes, people can't help but start looking around for things to clean up.  One area of their lives they start to take a closer look at is their relationships--uh oh!  Now this article doesn't suggest any break up tips or anything that would cause more challenges in your relationship.  But what this article does do is encourage you to learn more about that person you are dating, living with, engaged to, or just creeping with on the side.  Oh yeah, some of you reading this have been playing two even three partners and you know that it's time to get serious this year!  Narrow your choice down to one, so that you can focus on other things like your career for starters!

So what should you know about your partner?  You should know more than your neighbors that's for sure!  Some couples are so busy doing other things that the neighbors know their schedules.  These couples are nothing more than roommates.  When is there time to really get to know your mate other than his or her Facebook status update?  These couples come and go and are rarely seen together. 

You should also know more about your partner than your best friend!  There is a problem when couples don't bother to know even the simplest details about their partners, yet if the friend comes over this person is taking notes like a student preparing for an exam.  He or she can tell you all about your woman or man, now that's bad!  There is a serious problem developing in your friendship and possibly relationship when this happens.  You may want to also learn more about your friend's wants in life--hmmm. 

Anyway, so you have selected or have been selected by someone who really cares about you.  This person is for the most part nice to you.  He or she has expressed interest in drawing closer to you.  What you will want to do is pay close attention to your partner's interests (both new and old.)  You can grow a closer bond to someone when you care about the things that they care about. 

Ask yourself, "Has my man/woman changed since the first time I met  him/her and how so?"  What could you do differently to show your support?  You will want to think about what your mate said to you in the past about his or her goals.  Is he or she really working toward them?  Could you be encouraging or hindering your partner?  Know what your mate likes to do.  There are those things that the public knows about, but do you sincerely know what your sweetie likes to do privately. 

Also, consider where you are spiritually as a couple.  Now is your partner on-board with your spiritual beliefs or disbelief?  How close are you to tying the knot that is if you haven't already?  Have you discussed a marriage date with your partner?  If you are already married, what more should you be doing to build your relationship up?

Now these kinds of thoughts and questions will make you want to sit down with your loved one and find out more.  Some of you reading this may want to snoop in his or her things too (which I don't suggest.)  But if there are some things that are bugging you and you can't get straight answers, then do what you must by first talking and then acting.  If you know that you really don't know the answers to these questions mentioned in this article, then you should ask them and more questions--a little each day or weekly until you have some peace of mind.  But never bombard your mate with serious relationship questions; otherwise, you will start an argument and you may leave her or him feeling confused.  Also, never ask questions when your partner hasn't eaten, tired, sick, watching a favorite show or just back home from doing whatever, it will only cause problems.

Some singles complain about a partner who cheated on them in the past.  They may also have a bad attitude toward the opposite sex because they have some unresolved issues.  A lot of these challenges could have been dealt with without feelings of regret had only some couples stopped looking inward so much before certain bad experiences happened--the writing was most likely on the wall before things happened. 

Make a point not to be like some of these singles who haven't dated in a long time and who spend a lot of time asking questions like, "Why do I feel...Why doesn't he...Why can't she..."  The pity party does nothing but turn into anger and resentment and before long you are fighting with your mate. 

There isn't anything wrong with occasionally asking yourself questions like the ones above, but at some point, if you care anything about the relationship, you should be looking at the positive that your partner does do; rather than the negative feelings you have about one issue or the other.  As you may have already experienced in your relationship, emotions are temporary, but actions last a lifetime.

Nicholl McGuire

Check out more of my work here.

She's Crazy by Nicholl McGuire

She's Crazy by Nicholl McGuire
Dating or married to an angry woman?
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