He's Emotionally Cheating: What You Can Do About It

You may suspect your husband, fiancé, or boyfriend is emotionally and/or physically cheating. Hurt by your discoveries, you may think that exposing him and fleeing is the only way to cope. However, you know the timing isn't right and besides, you still love this man very much! So what do you do to get your man to pay attention to you in a way that doesn't compromise who you are as a woman and most of all a spiritual being?

One. Don't focus on the other woman.

You found out some shocking information about your man and now you are focusing on the other woman. You may be looking for a name, address, phone number and anything else you can dig up on this woman! However, while you are doing your detective work, this person of interest is thinking of the next thing she would like to do to impress your man! Sometimes committed women falsely jump to conclusions that a man is having sex with a woman outside of a relationship when he really is not! When this happens, a man feels like his woman doesn't trust him; therefore, his mind begins to wander more. There is still time to put your attention on where it belongs (your man) before he does something he will regret.

Two. Ignore what single women who have no man tell you.

Only a fool with a drug problem would consider going to someone who has never had a drug problem for advice, so why do women go to women for advice who have never married, ran a household, always in conflict with their own men, or spend so much time in the church that they can't see straight when they come out! Don't listen to women who have not been where you are presently! (FYI I have been there and in a relationship that's why I can write this article.)

Three. Avoid the temptation to do more snooping.

Assuming that you already did some detective work, don't do anymore! Snooping is like playing the lottery; you will keep playing until you win the jackpot! Before long, it becomes addicting. You start questioning every action, "Where were you? How long does it take to get there? How come you are just now arriving? Where did that mark on your neck come from? Who was that woman you were talking to?" 

The man may have been guilty of taking a phone number, flirting with someone online, or even riding in a woman's car; however, he may not have done anything yet, but if you keep at him, he might give into the temptation just because, he reasons, "She didn't believe me anyway when I told her the truth, why not?"

Snooping can wreck havoc on your personal life. You may find yourself using valuable work time surfing for the latest software to bust him, consulting with relatives and friends on ways to catch him, reading books and watching shows on "How to Catch a Cheater." Before long, you are spending money that could be better used on yourself, children and/or household. You will also find snooping creates headaches, stomach aches, and other health disturbances, because you are constantly creating stress for yourself with every discovery. Where does anger go after yet another piece of evidence is found? The answer: to your health. When you are sickly, you won't be able to partake in satisfying intimacy which will give him yet another excuse to look for someone who can.

Four. Think of the things you have done to cause friction in the relationship, and the things you haven't.

There's always two sides to every story. What's your story? Where did you go wrong? Where didn't you go wrong? How will you make wrongs right? What does he have to do to help you heal? Take that trusted paper and pen out and start outlining the good, the bad and the ugly about your relationship. Once you complete your outline, make time to discuss it with your mate. Try not to lose control when sharing your thoughts with your mate such as: yell, call names, bring up past examples (an arm's length long,) etc.; instead, do your best to communicate effectively how his behavior is affecting you, but at the same time be honest about your faults.

Five. Apologize.

You know what you did or didn't do. Secretly, you may have wished for a better man. You may have badmouthed him to your relatives. Maybe you got involved with him knowing full well he was a player. Apologize for your action by saying something like, "I apologize for trying to make you commit to me when you obviously aren't ready." 

You may have realized, as you think about the past, that you dropped the ball so tell your man something like, "I apologize for not giving you what you need...I apologize for ignoring you and putting my______________before this relationship."

Six. Pray to the one who has blessed you in the past.

Those of you who claim to be spiritual know better! You know from a spiritual perspective that surprising things can happen to bring you unexplained peace in every situation! So why aren't you fasting and praying fervently? You are powerful when you are connected spiritually to something greater than man or woman. You should be watching for miraculous occurrences daily and giving your Creator all the praise when you see His will being done! Is God's will always nice, wonderful and great? Not in our eyes, but when life's storms pass, things gradually get better—believe it! Both good and bad situations are used to help elevate self and others. (My own past heartaches are what gives me the motivation to write this piece as well as others. Talk about using what was meant for evil for good!)

Seven. Surround yourself around positive people and things.

Listening to music and watching television dramas that doesn't uplift relationships will not uplift yours! Talking to people who are not happy in their relationships will not make you happy. Going places where sad people hang out, will not give you the motivation to want to work on your own relationship when you too are feeling sad. You will have to seek out the types of media designed to help not hurt you or your significant. As we all know, there are a lot of people wounded, jealous, and bitter trying to help others. However, what they are really doing is destroying whatever little positive remaining in some relationships that could very well be saved if only they had kept their ugliness to themselves!

Eight. Stop talking to others about your private life.

Relatives and friends are tricky when it comes to sharing your problems. Their advice on any given day can be kind, supportive, rude or ignorant-- it just depends on their mood. Chances are they may have already formed an opinion about you and your relationship woes behind your back. "She never seems to keep a man...She always got problems...Her man should have cheated on her! Look at how she acts! If I was her, I would just pack my bags...That's why I told her to take it slow...I'm glad I don't have a man!...I have a good relationship, it's obvious she learned nothing from me!" Unless you enjoy being on the front page news of family gossip, don't share anything else with them! When loved ones ask, "How are you and 'What's his name'?" You say, "We are as good as can be. How's your relationship?" They will want to try to get more information, but you just stick to one word answers or ask to talk about something else. Who cares what they will go back and tell someone? You are reclaiming your power when you refuse to share every aspect of your private life with gossip lovers! Your life, your decisions—others should butt out!

Nine. Change up routines.

Your mate will expect you to keep doing the same ole' things you always do. Surprise him! Start tending to your appearance, staying up later on some nights, going to bed earlier on other nights, take a friend up on an offer to go out, break from a hobby, take the children out on Friday rather than Saturday, go along for more rides with your partner, etc. He should never know so much about you to the point that he can almost predict what day you will be taking off from work, when you will be taking the children out, and how much time you will be away shopping.

Ten. Spend more time with your man by suggesting some fun things to do.

While you are making doctor's appointments, you should also be including some together time. If you don't have the expenses right now to date and don't trust a sitter for your children, then avoid making up some reason why you can't date your man, learn to put the children to bed early and use that time to watch a favorite movie, play a game, converse with him, show off a work project, or do something with your man that you haven't done in awhile even if it's only a mere household project or some fun playtime in the bedroom! 

Eleven. Review your current schedule and make more free time for your partner.

You may be one of those women who may have everything you do planned from morning to night, but is there room for improvement? Could you make some exceptions, adjustments, cancellations, etc.? Why wait for your mate to explode in anger before you will adjust your schedule? Why worry over another woman when you have your man sitting right in front of you? If you aren't ready to leave, then what can you do to help yourself and your relationship? Post a note somewhere in your home reminding you of the things you could do on your end to enhance your relationship. Be like the little engine that could, "I think I can, I think I can..." until you convince yourself "I know I can" then put some action behind your belief!

From the children to the job, there are distractions—lots of them! Chances are your man may have alluded to those things that bother him about your schedule. Think about how much time you are doing the following things on any given day: working at the office, caring for others, talking on the phone, surfing the Internet, cleaning and organizing house, and/or shopping. When some men cheat, they are calling out to their wives or girlfriends for attention. 

Twelve. Get in touch with who you are as a woman! 

So often women can read who they are as a mother like the back of their hands, but when one sits down and questions their needs simply as a woman, they are digressing. They start off talking about what they want in life, what they will and will not stand for when it comes to personal and professional relationships, and of course the ever-popular subject of childhood wounds, but before long, they are back to talking about "my children" and "what I want for my children" as if their offspring defines who they are as women.

A woman that doesn't know whether she wants to be single or married, a mother or childless, employed or unemployed, relocate or stay in her current state, go to school or work from home, will drive any man crazy and ultimately away from her! A double-minded woman is unstable in all her ways (this is a statement re-phrased from the Bible typically referring to a double-minded man.)

Think of how many times you changed your script in life and how many times you got a team of people to rally behind you, only to change your mind yet again! A "real" man who knows what he wants out of life, will not wait for a girl who doesn't know what she wants. She is nothing more than a play-thing, a trophy, or a child for him. We all know what happens to trophies, they eventually sit on shelves and collect dust, get packed away, given away or destroyed.

You have the knowledge deep down inside of you to do what you feel is right! Begin by making an effort to bring your man closer to you and hopefully, he will draw nearer by your example.

Wise women know they can't make a man do everything she wants no matter how much advice she receives from others, it's just not possible! If she insists on having it her way, then she becomes more like a parent;rather than a mate. So when a crisis hits your relationship, the intelligent thing to do, is look at the circumstances and see what you can do to help mediate the situation. There are those women who don't want to work on anything when it comes to a problematic relationship; rather, they enjoy playing the blame game, just like there are those men who prefer to sleep with the next sexy thing that comes along; instead of trying to make it work with the one they claim to love. 

When you have real emotions for an individual that can't easily turn on and off and have children and material possessions between you, the desire to want to make things work, overrides the desire to want to leave. Therefore, ignore those voices that say, "If I were you I would..." Well they aren't you and chances are, they have regretted some of the decisions they have made because they were too quick, too stubborn, too mean, too spiritual or too something else to stick around. Instead, you should be asking, "What is the best that I can do for myself, him and the children?" Once you know the answers and have tried everything, you will be able to walk away in peace, but if you don't do what is in your power to do, you will have regrets.

Nicholl McGuire