Wednesday

Emotional Infidelity In A Relationship: What Is Emotional Cheating?

People define cheating differently. Some people define it as an emotional act as well as a physical act and others just define it as a physical act.

That topic alone can cause some issues in a relationship if both parties define cheating differently.

So, in order to eliminate obstacles that may later come into play it's always best to make certain you know how the other person in the relationship defines something like that.

Although it's not pertinent that couples are exactly alike, there are obviously some important areas in a relationship which help uplift it rather than hinder it. And this type of topic can be one of those things.

Truthfully, I believe that it's difficult to keep the romance alive and a relationship on a positive note if you're unable to work in unity with your spouse. Especially if one of you defines cheating in one way and the other defines cheating in another way.

Usually, physical cheating is what we all refer to as cheating. It's a general consensus, so it's emotional cheating that can be the real culprit behind ruining a great relationship.

So we'll talk a bit about that today.

What Exactly is Emotional Cheating?

Well there are different levels of emotional cheating, but let's discuss the most significant forms of emotional cheating...

1) Lying by Omission

Some women consider cheating to be a secret that is kept from them. For instance, their spouse has a dinner date with another woman, but doesn't bother to mention it.

Whether this situation is considered cheating depends on the relationship you have with your partner and the type of friendships you have outside of your partnership.

Since the pendulum can swing either way it's best to make certain you both see eye-to-eye before it ever happens (if it ever does). Maybe you don't think it's important to mention it because it doesn't mean anything and mentioning it would give it more weight than it's worth, but it's best not to assume something like that but to talk it over instead.

The reason for that is because, on the contrary, some women feel that if it was so unimportant, then why not just mention it. It's a catch-22 situation. So, a constructive way to handle a circumstance like that it to discuss it with one another before it ever has a chance to occur.

2) The "Roaming Eye"

When I speak of the "roaming eye" I mean visual disrespect to your partner. Acknowledging someone's beauty is one thing, but the "roaming eye" is a much more intense act.

It's beyond acknowledgement. In a situation like that, fantasy creeps in and your partner feels mistreated or upset due to the act of disregarding her and making it clear you would like to have sex with the person in your sights.

Under those conditions, it can turn into a huge problem for the relationship. Of course, it's one thing to notice someone's beauty from time to time, but the "roaming eye" is another thing altogether. It can lead to insecurity issues, trust issues, and sometimes result in actual physical cheating.

So exactly what is the "roaming eye?"

Although I couldn't possibly mention everything, let's talk about the more obvious actions...

The "roaming eye" constitutes going to strip clubs, ogling women in the street, and commenting can also be a part of the issue in which verbal insinuations are made concerning what you would like to do with that person. Taken too far, it can be emotionally abusive to your partner and result in a destructive relationship that could eventually lead you both in separate directions.

So, a constructive way to handle this situation on a personal basis, is to treat any woman like you would want someone to treat your wife, sister, mother, or any other female that you regard with the highest respect.

Of course, it isn't always going to work because you're human, but it's a good place to start.

By asking yourself, "How do I want other men to treat my partner?" can help you change the entire way you see things.

For example, someone ogling your wife in a disrespectful way is most likely something you would not take kindly to. Perhaps you'd even be infuriated if you witnessed it happening. So, if you apply those feelings to a woman that catches your eye, it makes it somewhat easier to want to treat that person with a lot more respect.

After all she is someone else's relative. Obviously not yours, but someone's.

3) Physical Contact

This type of emotional cheating occurs when you go to strip clubs and receive lap dances or some other similar type of contact from the opposite sex.

As a man, you may not consider this as cheating, but your partner may. As a result, this induces conflict in the relationship in which your partner feels betrayed and you feel as if you didn't do anything wrong.

If this does occur, a constructive way to handle this is to put yourself in your partner's shoes or put your partner in the stripper's shoes.

For example, would you want her in a male strip club receiving lap dances? Or would you want your wife in front of other men stripping and giving other men lap dances?

Chances are good the answer is "no." If you reverse the situation, it's easy enough to look at it constructively so that the two of you can work on resolving the issue by basing it on the old saying, "treat others the way you want (your wife) to be treated."

Be objective, be honest, and most of all... be fair. Work hard at trying not to give yourself extra privileges you wouldn't give your spouse. Make it your responsibility to be considerate to other women just as you would want another man to be considerate to your wife.

You're no exception to the rule.

Work Together in Unity

Since this issue is such a big one, it's important to sit down with one another and discuss why it's happening if you aren't in agreement about your actions, because a great relationship is built on unity between a man and woman and if there isn't any unity... it will lead to a lot of problems.

As a man, some of the distraction you're fighting against is biological which is often due to visual stimuli which you can't help. But that doesn't mean the promotion of that behavior is necessarily right. It's one thing to have a natural response to something like that, but it's another thing to use that natural response to benefit you in continuing on in that behavior.

An important thing to do is to make certain that excuses on either end aren't being made. Excuses and denial don't resolve anything. Serious situations like that require both parties to own up to their faults.

Pride should be left at the back door, so your relationship doesn't take a beating because of it. Avoid treating it like a game of matching pride against pride.

To eliminate pride in the beginning, you may find it a good idea to talk about how you want to handle the discussion on each end before you bring up the conversation.

Consider saying something like...

"I wanted to talk to you about something, but before I bring it up, I thought maybe we could talk about how we want to handle this conversation, because I don't want anything getting in the way of us resolving it. I know sometimes I can be stubborn, so I feel it's important for me to say that when we discuss this I don't plan on allowing that to interfere with us fixing this situation."

When confronting it like that, it allows the problem to take the forefront so that when you do end up discussing it, it makes it easier for you both to stay focused on the topic at hand and keep it on a positive note.

You can then discuss it in layers by trying to explain why you do what you do (besides the obvious reasons) and she can explain how it makes her feel and then you can both focus on how to resolve the issue together--in unity.

It's easy to feel that emotional cheating doesn't hurt anyone, because in certain ways it can be defined as an invisible act, but don't underestimate the damage that it can have on a relationship. It can do just as much damage as its lethal counterpart "physical cheating."

Sure, there may not be any touching involved, but infidelity is not just a physical act. Remember, be objective, be honest, and most of all... be fair. You are no exception to the rule.

Work hard at being faithful to your partner in more ways than one--mind and body.

Tameka Norris is the founder of Romantic Short Love Stories. Offering the best of both worlds with true love stories, romantic fiction, love poetry, romance articles, tutorials, and advice on romance and relationships. Visit http://www.romantic-short-love-stories.com

The Need For Emotional Intimacy

"My husband and I have a great working relationship. He's great to the kids, he's nice to me, he works hard on the house but he isn't very interested in getting to know me for who I really am. Any exploration around personal growth is threatening to him. Sometimes I feel so depressed to think I'll spend the rest of my life with this person when I want so much more, but there isn't anything wrong to point to as to why I would leave."

Nellie was having her first phone counseling session with me.

The problem was that Nellie was discounting her deep need for emotional intimacy - her deep need to know and be known, her deep need for emotional connection. Stating that, "there isn't anything wrong to point to" indicated how little she understood her need for emotional intimacy and connection.

For most people, emotional intimacy and connection is absolutely necessary to thrive. So what does a person like Nellie need to do when she has a children and she doesn't want to break up the family? What is she to do when she really needs something that her husband in unwilling or unable to give to her?

If Nellie wants to stay in her marriage, then she needs to accept the lack of intimacy and have her personal growth explorations elsewhere - with friends, groups, and workshops. It is possible to accept a companionship relationship for the raising of children. Many couples create excellent companionship relationships when they are willing to let go of both physical and emotional intimacy.

With Nellie, one of the problems was that her husband would get angry and withdraw when she didn't want to make love with him. There was no way Nellie could feel turned to her husband, Brad, when there was no emotional intimacy - no sense of connection. If Brad was willing to accept the lack of sexuality, then they could make it work. But if he continued to get angry and withdraw, then Nellie would have to explore other options.

If Nellie learns to take loving care of herself and stop buying into Brad's anger, then his controlling behavior would no longer work for him. If she learned to get her emotional needs met elsewhere and disengaged when Brad was acting like a needy little boy, then his behavior might change. Or it might not.

If it doesn't and If the anger and withdrawal, lack of intimacy and the sexual pull is not acceptable and Nellie is willing to leave, then she would need to let him know that and see if he would be willing to open with her. I have had many husbands, who were dragged to one of my 5-Day Couples Intensives, really open and move beyond their fears of personal growth and emotional intimacy.

The first thing that needs to happen is that Nellie needs to validate her need for connection and emotional intimacy, especially in order to feel sexual. Once she stops feeling guilty for how she feels and learns to take loving action in her own behalf, then she can see what the reality of the situation is. While Brad is afraid of intimacy and growth, he might be even more afraid of losing Nellie. When he sees that his anger and withdrawal no longer work to make her feel guilty and responsible for him, he might decide to open.

The only way that Nellie will know if Brad will open or not is to learn to take 100% responsibility for her own feeling and needs. As long as she is trying to get Brad to change, she will be stuck feel unhappy. It is always well worth doing your inner work to try to save a marriage, whatever the outcome. If the marriage improves - great! If it doesn't, you will have learned what you needed to learn to not make the same mistakes in your next relationship.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. best-selling author of eight books, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

Telling the Truth About The Breakup

I know why many people who beakup won't tell certain family members and friends the truth about why they broke up with their partner, in one word, FEAR. They are fearful of the "I told you so" comments, fearful of the way they will be viewed if they were responsible for the breakup, fearful that they will be told off, fearful that no one will listen, and fearful of what might be done to them for breaking up. So they develop a fantastic story, one that will make it look like it wasn't their idea to end the relationship. They will use the popular statement of, "We just couldn't see eye-to-eye, we couldn't get along..." Of course, we all know that there are two sides to every story, but let's be honest, which one will you believe? And do you really think that both people are responsible for the breakup? The truth is one usually started the "breakup ball" rolling and the other had no choice but to go along with it!

Usually the one who is responsible will say what he or she thinks happened and describe the breakup in such a way so that you can't say much of anything but, "Oh..." In my own personal experience, I can tell you that the men knew early on that I was fed up with them, but they wanted to gain some control over the situation by taking some action such as looking for a place to stay behind my back or telling others what their intentions were and leaving me out the loop while trying to convince me they are willing to work on the relationship. I think that is the worst thing you can do to a partner that you claim you love is wear two faces! One for he or she and another for the rest of the world. To walk around in the family home and agree to do some things differently to help grow the relationship while thinking in your mind, "I'm not interested in this person anymore." Is downright mean and deceitful and I can't help but wish that "what goes around comes back around" to those who want to behave in this way! A great smokescreen to keep one off balance, but eventually it falls off and the truth comes to light!

I hate liars, I do. I hate when someone comes to me with their story of breakup and then they want to lie about the details. Why bother telling your story if you are not going to be honest? The truth is that most often the one coming up with the "PR (public relations) campaign" is the one who caused the most damage to the relationship.

Sometimes telling the truth about a breakup opens up doors that many just want to keep closed, but there is a way to do just that without being deceptive. I guess the moral of this blog entry, is to be careful what public relations campaign you come up with, because it will only be a matter of time when the truth comes out!

Written by Nicholl McGuire, http://www.twitter.com/datingdramas

She's Crazy by Nicholl McGuire

She's Crazy by Nicholl McGuire
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