Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
In Every Date One Sees a Family Member
It is time to take a long break when you see a bit much of your daddy, mommy, sister, brother, uncle and others in the people that you date. What is happening are familiar spirits at work. You are attracting the people that you may not want in your life. Dysfunctional relationships with loved ones tend to spill over in intimate relationships.
A daughter has daddy issues, a son has mommy issues, and all have issues with other loved ones as well. Think of those you dated in the past that reminded you of someone and why things didn't work with them and why they are still not working with the person you are currently with possibly.
We focus on those positive things that make the relationship and dismiss those that don't. So if you respect, admire, and love a trait in someone, it would make sense to seek that. However, what some will do is receive all that is wrong and negative with someone because he or she reminds them of some things they experienced growing up. They enjoy being on familiar territory. Therefore, the mind will sooner or later be triggered with negative emotions too from yesteryear and in time one will resent the person who reminded he or she of the past if there are still unresolved issues.
Family members can be a great lens into what might the future hold, but what they aren't supposed to be are our future partners in others. When we see a pattern in the kind of people we are attracting, it is then that we must stand down. Take some time to examine your choices readjust your thinking and experience some healing for those broken areas in your life.
Here's to your dating success!
Nicholl McGuire
A daughter has daddy issues, a son has mommy issues, and all have issues with other loved ones as well. Think of those you dated in the past that reminded you of someone and why things didn't work with them and why they are still not working with the person you are currently with possibly.
We focus on those positive things that make the relationship and dismiss those that don't. So if you respect, admire, and love a trait in someone, it would make sense to seek that. However, what some will do is receive all that is wrong and negative with someone because he or she reminds them of some things they experienced growing up. They enjoy being on familiar territory. Therefore, the mind will sooner or later be triggered with negative emotions too from yesteryear and in time one will resent the person who reminded he or she of the past if there are still unresolved issues.
Family members can be a great lens into what might the future hold, but what they aren't supposed to be are our future partners in others. When we see a pattern in the kind of people we are attracting, it is then that we must stand down. Take some time to examine your choices readjust your thinking and experience some healing for those broken areas in your life.
Here's to your dating success!
Nicholl McGuire
On Defending Dysfunctional Family Members and Friends
If you aren't too careful, defending your dear mother, father and other relatives and friends when your partner brings up issues more than a few times just might cost you your relationship. Is it really worth it? Many people ended up in divorce court because selfish, manipulative and controlling relatives put just enough pressure on their relationships to send them there.
Family and Friends: Just How Important are They to a Date?
Some will talk of how much they love
and appreciate their family and friends, while others will express
little, if any, emotion about their so-called loved ones. The truth
is not everyone likes or loves their kin. Therefore, if you’re
single and dating, expect it.
When dating someone, who mentions one
or a few relatives quite often in negative ways. Think about just how
much influence the loved ones has over this person and how much time
he or she spends listening and doing what these people say. There is
a good possibility that the date is quite close to his or her
relatives even if this person might be angry at times when talking
about them. Now if a date doesn’t tell you too much about his or
her family, then most likely they don’t find much worth telling,
because they may be boring, busy, or bad. You will need to listen
and learn just how strong or weak is one's family connection.
Not everyone who claims something is
wrong with their family is as bad as they would want you to believe.
Some daters are liars, exaggerators, look for pity, and have a
variety of personality disorders. You won’t know the severity of
the family issues until you get the other side’s version. Compare
what you know from a partner with what you learned from them and you
will find the following: whether or not your date is a manipulator, if he or she is really such a nice, outgoing or friendly person, and if you
can tolerate the date and relatives if they are quite negative with
one another.
Too much talking about family and
friends isn't good particularly when one is not that close to his or her family--the conversations can be quite overwhelming, emotional, redundant, boring, and crazy. If you should correct, warn, or say something unflattering about a date's relatives, you just might find yourself in a verbal battle. In addition, it is usually a bad sign the date has not
matured yet emotionally and still very much needs his or her family’s
support on many things.
If you should notice the cell phone is often
buzzing, an email inbox is flooded with mail from relatives, and
every time there is a family gathering your date is expected to
attend, you will have to determine whether you can endure so much
family involvement. You might be able to handle it if your family is
equally involved in your life. But if you are not use to this sort
of thing, it will begin to grate on your nerves. You will think,
“Does he/she ever do anything without his or her family?” The
longer you stay in the relationship with the date, the more tempted
you will be to want to keep this person away from his or her family
on most occasions. This will cause arguments.
Establishing family boundaries is one
good way of keeping one’s intimate business private. You never
want to share so much about your date and what you like or don’t
like about him or her as well as activities you do together with
family members. There will be those who will not like your date or
you.
Family can be bias and don’t always have your best interests
in mind. If you notice a date is often defending the relationship,
it would be a good idea to communicate your concerns and establish some boundaries. Look for ways to problem
solve while protecting what might turn into a future marriage.
The more you and your date discover about
family members early on, the less likely you will argue about them
later as your partnership matures.
Nicholl McGuire
Twitter @nicholl mcguire
email nichollmcguire@gmail.com
Opting Out This Year From Visiting a Partner's Family?
Most people who could get out of spending the holidays with boring, troublesome, or downright crazy in-laws would. As much as one loves his or her mate, the idea of sitting with people who are not necessarily a likeable bunch can be nerve-racking. If one's partner really loves you, he or she would be understanding.
Over the years, I have sat out from spending time with boyfriends', lovers' and partner's families simply by stating, "I won't be attending this year. I prefer some quiet time at home." Sure, a partner was disappointed at times, but when the time came to visit my relatives, did I even bother to ask? Nope. I know what it feels like to be pressured into going somewhere with a mate or a friend to see their people, their events, their whatever they are doing and you really have no interest. How long will one keep up the act? So I don't bother to pressure or place a guilt trip on any loved one or friend to be anywhere I will be. Besides, my current husband is lucky, my folks live 3000 miles away while his are in the same town. I don't attend all their events either.
The threat of not being liked, talked about, or judged because you didn't show up to an event will happen depending on the person hosting the get-together. If the special time is honoring a patriarch or matriarch of the family and you are a new comer in the family, then if you know you can make it, then make every effort to attend. But if you can't, send a card, a gift or a message through your partner. Some people have to work, care for children, have family emergencies, or end up getting a good deal on airfare to see their own relatives, so if a mate can't be there, he or she just can't. Making them feel bad about their choice is juvenile, selfish, and will start unnecessary issues especially in an already troubled relationship.
To be honest, when I opted out of meeting a date's family, it was because I knew the guys simply were no longer holding my interest and I wasn't interested in seeing any of them long term. This is typically a dead give-away that a relationship is really not as serious as it looks. Friends with benefits don't typically meet mom and dad and neither do fly-by-night sexual partners. However, those couples who have said things like, "I love you, I want to be in your life, I want what we have exclusive..." to partners are now obligating themselves to attend family events until they are comfortable enough in the relationship to say no to some family functions. They also have to have some time under their belts being with parents' beloved daughter or son for awhile before saying, "Not this year."
One of my relatives who has a long track record of saying, "No, I'm not going to see the in-laws for the holidays..." has gotten away with getting out of family functions, because he made himself available to the key relatives (just those closest to his wife not everyone) during other times of the year. If an errand needed to be run, something needed to be fixed, or someone was in trouble, he was typically there. So he has been able to opt out of family get-togethers, reunions, birthday celebrations, Thanksgiving and Christmas parties, and New Years celebrations, because he has done good things for his wife's family for decades throughout the year.
So if you are planning to opt out of your Sweetie or Sweetheart's family event or party, be sure of the following:
1. You have been seen around the family enough to do so. If you are a new-comer, I wouldn't advise it.
2. Consider how many years you have invested in a relationship with your significant and how many other family related events you have been to this year with this person. You are due for a break if it is more than enough.
3. If you plan on going elsewhere before the day of the event, be sure the main people (your partner's closest relatives) know this.
4. Be sure you have discussed your plans before the day of the event. If he or she grumbles, complains or does other things because, "I really wanted you to be there..." reiterate your reason and then say nothing. The more you talk about it, the more likely it will lead to an argument.
5. Don't assume relatives will be okay with your opting out. Some just might use your absence as a stick to crack your head with later. Whatever they say or do, make no apologies when confronted by a trouble-maker, just remain quiet and walk away. I learned this from a man in a 30 plus year marriage. He will leave an event early if the family acts disrespectful or says one too many rude things.
6. Above all, stand your ground with partner and in-laws. If they don't like you, they will respect you.
Keep in mind, most relatives don't care that much if in-laws come or don't, they are most concerned with seeing their blood kin anyway, so don't think too much about what others are going to think. Instead, focus on that free time you are going to have yourself and make the most of it!
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and Laboring to Love Myself.
Over the years, I have sat out from spending time with boyfriends', lovers' and partner's families simply by stating, "I won't be attending this year. I prefer some quiet time at home." Sure, a partner was disappointed at times, but when the time came to visit my relatives, did I even bother to ask? Nope. I know what it feels like to be pressured into going somewhere with a mate or a friend to see their people, their events, their whatever they are doing and you really have no interest. How long will one keep up the act? So I don't bother to pressure or place a guilt trip on any loved one or friend to be anywhere I will be. Besides, my current husband is lucky, my folks live 3000 miles away while his are in the same town. I don't attend all their events either.
The threat of not being liked, talked about, or judged because you didn't show up to an event will happen depending on the person hosting the get-together. If the special time is honoring a patriarch or matriarch of the family and you are a new comer in the family, then if you know you can make it, then make every effort to attend. But if you can't, send a card, a gift or a message through your partner. Some people have to work, care for children, have family emergencies, or end up getting a good deal on airfare to see their own relatives, so if a mate can't be there, he or she just can't. Making them feel bad about their choice is juvenile, selfish, and will start unnecessary issues especially in an already troubled relationship.
To be honest, when I opted out of meeting a date's family, it was because I knew the guys simply were no longer holding my interest and I wasn't interested in seeing any of them long term. This is typically a dead give-away that a relationship is really not as serious as it looks. Friends with benefits don't typically meet mom and dad and neither do fly-by-night sexual partners. However, those couples who have said things like, "I love you, I want to be in your life, I want what we have exclusive..." to partners are now obligating themselves to attend family events until they are comfortable enough in the relationship to say no to some family functions. They also have to have some time under their belts being with parents' beloved daughter or son for awhile before saying, "Not this year."
One of my relatives who has a long track record of saying, "No, I'm not going to see the in-laws for the holidays..." has gotten away with getting out of family functions, because he made himself available to the key relatives (just those closest to his wife not everyone) during other times of the year. If an errand needed to be run, something needed to be fixed, or someone was in trouble, he was typically there. So he has been able to opt out of family get-togethers, reunions, birthday celebrations, Thanksgiving and Christmas parties, and New Years celebrations, because he has done good things for his wife's family for decades throughout the year.
So if you are planning to opt out of your Sweetie or Sweetheart's family event or party, be sure of the following:
1. You have been seen around the family enough to do so. If you are a new-comer, I wouldn't advise it.
2. Consider how many years you have invested in a relationship with your significant and how many other family related events you have been to this year with this person. You are due for a break if it is more than enough.
3. If you plan on going elsewhere before the day of the event, be sure the main people (your partner's closest relatives) know this.
4. Be sure you have discussed your plans before the day of the event. If he or she grumbles, complains or does other things because, "I really wanted you to be there..." reiterate your reason and then say nothing. The more you talk about it, the more likely it will lead to an argument.
5. Don't assume relatives will be okay with your opting out. Some just might use your absence as a stick to crack your head with later. Whatever they say or do, make no apologies when confronted by a trouble-maker, just remain quiet and walk away. I learned this from a man in a 30 plus year marriage. He will leave an event early if the family acts disrespectful or says one too many rude things.
6. Above all, stand your ground with partner and in-laws. If they don't like you, they will respect you.
Keep in mind, most relatives don't care that much if in-laws come or don't, they are most concerned with seeing their blood kin anyway, so don't think too much about what others are going to think. Instead, focus on that free time you are going to have yourself and make the most of it!
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and Laboring to Love Myself.
When Seeking a Date at a Family Function
There are some dos and don'ts when trying to connect with someone at a family function. If you don't want to be the butt of jokes, ashamed, or marked as a jerk or some other bad name, watch what you say and do. Unlike others just enjoying time with the family, you are on a mission--good luck!
Here are some of the don'ts:
1. Don't talk to anyone with bad breath. Obvious advice right? Think about how many people at family gatherings forget they ate something with onions or garlic and now they want to share their hot smelling breath with everyone.
2. Don't use a happy time to vent about your frustrations with life, work, government, religion, relationships, etc. You will surely be marked as a loser!
3. Don't lie or exaggerate because people who knew you when...will blow your cover.
As follows, here are some of the dos:
1. Do ask questions.
2. Do compliment your potential date.
3. Do listen to your potential date and do take the time to introduce this person to someone you know at the family gathering that he or she might not, share an interesting hobby, point out an interesting photo, etc.
Simple enough tips, right? Let's see how you'll do. Be sure to come back to this blog and tell your story.
Nicholl McGuire
Here are some of the don'ts:
1. Don't talk to anyone with bad breath. Obvious advice right? Think about how many people at family gatherings forget they ate something with onions or garlic and now they want to share their hot smelling breath with everyone.
2. Don't use a happy time to vent about your frustrations with life, work, government, religion, relationships, etc. You will surely be marked as a loser!
3. Don't lie or exaggerate because people who knew you when...will blow your cover.
As follows, here are some of the dos:
1. Do ask questions.
2. Do compliment your potential date.
3. Do listen to your potential date and do take the time to introduce this person to someone you know at the family gathering that he or she might not, share an interesting hobby, point out an interesting photo, etc.
Simple enough tips, right? Let's see how you'll do. Be sure to come back to this blog and tell your story.
Nicholl McGuire
15 Ideas From a Mom on Saving Money When You Have a Family | Gomestic
Thought you might be interested in saving money especially if you are a new mom, recently married or inherited some children to take care of besides your own.
15 Ideas From a Mom on Saving Money When You Have a Family | Gomestic
15 Ideas From a Mom on Saving Money When You Have a Family | Gomestic
He's No Good for You, She's a Slut
When well-meaning family members and friends finally meet this person you have raved so much about they may be very skeptical at first. Sometimes their skepticism never leaves no matter how much you parade your new love in front of them.
Some will be bold and others may be coy about how they really feel about your date. "He's no good...she is a slut!" They may tell you about what they think they know about the person and what they may have heard. Most likely, you will defend this person who has brought you so much joy. However, consider the source and why they feel the way they do. Is there any truth to their argument?
I can recall a time when I was head over heels in love with a guy that I brought around my family. Everyone else seemed to like him except one person. She didn't have a man herself and she was known for being a gossip. Although she was right about him being "no good," she was also very wrong for sharing her opinion with everyone else. Family members often told her to "mind her own business."
We all have to learn the hard way about people. We can't live our lives with gut feelings, assumptions and other people's opinions. We can only do one thing take the blinders off our eyes and see our dates for who they really are. There is the person who we see at face value and then there is the real person behind the scenes. The key is to set up enough situations and circumstances to test the individual to determine if he or she is right for you.
Nicholl McGuire
http://associatedcontent.com/nichollmcguire
Some will be bold and others may be coy about how they really feel about your date. "He's no good...she is a slut!" They may tell you about what they think they know about the person and what they may have heard. Most likely, you will defend this person who has brought you so much joy. However, consider the source and why they feel the way they do. Is there any truth to their argument?
I can recall a time when I was head over heels in love with a guy that I brought around my family. Everyone else seemed to like him except one person. She didn't have a man herself and she was known for being a gossip. Although she was right about him being "no good," she was also very wrong for sharing her opinion with everyone else. Family members often told her to "mind her own business."
We all have to learn the hard way about people. We can't live our lives with gut feelings, assumptions and other people's opinions. We can only do one thing take the blinders off our eyes and see our dates for who they really are. There is the person who we see at face value and then there is the real person behind the scenes. The key is to set up enough situations and circumstances to test the individual to determine if he or she is right for you.
Nicholl McGuire
http://associatedcontent.com/nichollmcguire
Telling the Truth About The Breakup
I know why many people who beakup won't tell certain family members and friends the truth about why they broke up with their partner, in one word, FEAR. They are fearful of the "I told you so" comments, fearful of the way they will be viewed if they were responsible for the breakup, fearful that they will be told off, fearful that no one will listen, and fearful of what might be done to them for breaking up. So they develop a fantastic story, one that will make it look like it wasn't their idea to end the relationship. They will use the popular statement of, "We just couldn't see eye-to-eye, we couldn't get along..." Of course, we all know that there are two sides to every story, but let's be honest, which one will you believe? And do you really think that both people are responsible for the breakup? The truth is one usually started the "breakup ball" rolling and the other had no choice but to go along with it!
Usually the one who is responsible will say what he or she thinks happened and describe the breakup in such a way so that you can't say much of anything but, "Oh..." In my own personal experience, I can tell you that the men knew early on that I was fed up with them, but they wanted to gain some control over the situation by taking some action such as looking for a place to stay behind my back or telling others what their intentions were and leaving me out the loop while trying to convince me they are willing to work on the relationship. I think that is the worst thing you can do to a partner that you claim you love is wear two faces! One for he or she and another for the rest of the world. To walk around in the family home and agree to do some things differently to help grow the relationship while thinking in your mind, "I'm not interested in this person anymore." Is downright mean and deceitful and I can't help but wish that "what goes around comes back around" to those who want to behave in this way! A great smokescreen to keep one off balance, but eventually it falls off and the truth comes to light!
I hate liars, I do. I hate when someone comes to me with their story of breakup and then they want to lie about the details. Why bother telling your story if you are not going to be honest? The truth is that most often the one coming up with the "PR (public relations) campaign" is the one who caused the most damage to the relationship.
Sometimes telling the truth about a breakup opens up doors that many just want to keep closed, but there is a way to do just that without being deceptive. I guess the moral of this blog entry, is to be careful what public relations campaign you come up with, because it will only be a matter of time when the truth comes out!
Written by Nicholl McGuire, http://www.twitter.com/datingdramas
Usually the one who is responsible will say what he or she thinks happened and describe the breakup in such a way so that you can't say much of anything but, "Oh..." In my own personal experience, I can tell you that the men knew early on that I was fed up with them, but they wanted to gain some control over the situation by taking some action such as looking for a place to stay behind my back or telling others what their intentions were and leaving me out the loop while trying to convince me they are willing to work on the relationship. I think that is the worst thing you can do to a partner that you claim you love is wear two faces! One for he or she and another for the rest of the world. To walk around in the family home and agree to do some things differently to help grow the relationship while thinking in your mind, "I'm not interested in this person anymore." Is downright mean and deceitful and I can't help but wish that "what goes around comes back around" to those who want to behave in this way! A great smokescreen to keep one off balance, but eventually it falls off and the truth comes to light!
I hate liars, I do. I hate when someone comes to me with their story of breakup and then they want to lie about the details. Why bother telling your story if you are not going to be honest? The truth is that most often the one coming up with the "PR (public relations) campaign" is the one who caused the most damage to the relationship.
Sometimes telling the truth about a breakup opens up doors that many just want to keep closed, but there is a way to do just that without being deceptive. I guess the moral of this blog entry, is to be careful what public relations campaign you come up with, because it will only be a matter of time when the truth comes out!
Written by Nicholl McGuire, http://www.twitter.com/datingdramas
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