Manipulative Men Create Themselves to be Everything You Ever Wanted

He said all the right things based on what he had already learned about me.

He promised me that we would go to fun places and see cool things.

He told me that he loved me and how stupid the last man was for letting me go.

He bought me everything I ever wanted.

He seemed like he really wanted to know me, he asked me lots of questions.

All of what I mentioned above was what I remembered during the dating phase with various men.  They were nice-looking, charming, but all had dark sides.  They took the time to get to know me because "I was different...pretty, smart...liked my smile."  Oh yea, the smile.  They all found my smile very attractive.  But I wasn't sold much on their looks, it was their voices.  I was lured by the tone of their voices and what they promised.

Back then, in my 20s.  Now in my forties.  I know now when a man is attempting to make himself into something I would desire even though I am married and they know it.  They still try.  One tried to play down his habits, the kind he knew I didn't have.  Another individual tried to hide his seeing different women, what did I care?  I am married.  Other men asked me personal questions and then used my answers to paint the perfect picture.  Hmm.  I recognized them, they were a lot like me!  lol  Thanks for flattering me by copying my interests and even dressing professional like me.

Looking back on my younger self, I didn't connect the dots.  I just wanted to believe that those men were everything I ever wanted.  But the truth was, they were ignorant when it came to dating, mating, and showing women love.  Their game plan was always to act like the man of her dreams.  They failed at keeping the act going.  Sooner or later I was going to purposely say or do something to shatter their fake personas!

If I could do my dating life all over again, I would have kept those men in the friend zone.  They were not ready for any relationship and neither was I.  I would have enjoyed simply going out with them without a single touch.  I would have loved to receive typewritten messages from them back then had cell phones existed (lol) instead of meeting up with a couple of them.  I would have simply treated them like so many high school boys I knew, friends without benefits--just cool people to talk or hang out with.

Now I am older and I shudder at the thought of being single in the future.  Dating (sigh).  Marriages end either in divorce or death so dating again just might be something I do.  Someone somewhere will want to go out on a date.  He could be a great guy or a mean manipulator either way he is going to put on an act and I will have to be the one to break his false front.  If you should suspect that someone isn't quite right that you are dating, believe it!  Don't try to be something you are not to appease him.  You have lived in your body for quite a long time, so be content with being who you are whether a date likes you or not!

If you would like to break the "charming" act and find out whether a man is genuinely nice, considerate, patient, caring, etc. consider the following tips.  They just might save you from a future of misery.

1)  Ask questions that are uncomfortable after a few dates such as:  what did he use on his hair to make it stay that way or where did he find those pants...?  Watch his facial expressions.

2)  Joke about something like him tripping or a spill he made.  Notice his response.

3)  Go somewhere where there is a long line and/or travel with him on a busy highway known for slow-moving traffic.  Notice his behavior.

4)  Cancel a date and listen to how he responds.

5)  Find a place you enjoy and see if he is willing to go along with you or change your mind.

6)  Pay attention to whether he respects your space or privacy.  Does he show up unannounced or attempts to persuade you to stop whatever you are doing or cancel your plans so that he can come for a visit?

7)  Listen for any conversation that reveals personal details about himself without trying to get information from you.  Does he share much about himself or answers your questions thoroughly?

A manipulator is not going to be able to keep up an act especially one of patience, kindness, generosity, and more when he is negatively triggered from traffic, rejection, personal questions, and jokes.  His ugly self is sure to show up.  Emotionally abusive and controlling manipulators will use name-calling, ignoring, tears, and/or the silent treatment to get you to behave yourself.  Physically abusive manipulators oftentimes will handle you aggressively: push, grab, pull, spit, kick, punch, and choke.  All the while, you will be thinking whatever happened to that nice gentleman I once knew.

Nicholl McGuire

Beware: The Date Who Lies about Liking Travel or the Outdoors

The lonely single woman, back on the dating scene, sucked it up when they first started dating; she went skiing with her new date: The Adventure Seeker despite her personal fears.  When asked out again, she attended a conference in another state with him.  He had a bright idea to go hiking, so she accompanied him reluctantly on that trip too.  

As the connection grew deeper, the bachelorette finally confessed one day, “I don’t like traveling or the outdoors.  Please don’t ask me to go with you again, but you are welcome to have a ball by yourself, without another woman, of course.”  What!  He was shocked, disappointed, and started to think, “This isn’t going to work.”  What drew him to her was that dating profile where she checked off that she liked the outdoors and traveling.  She thought that her date had forgotten about that, "...just harmless lies. He'll get over it, " she reasoned.  But he didn't.

The future is forever changed when one lies about interests, hobbies and preferences.  Sooner or later the lies don’t become the truth, they are exposed!  The handsome and fit gentleman detected while on those trips his date just wasn’t into those things like she had claimed.  One of those occasions he wanted her to come clean, but she never did.

Think before you tell yet another lie if you are one who is guilty of this sort of behavior.  As much as it might be tempting to be dishonest because that guy or gal is your fantasy partner, it’s never a good idea to lie in the short or long term.  Trust is impacted early on in the previous fictional example.  If the guy was to continue with the relationship, he would question what else might his date had lied to him about.

Dates tend to lie about many things from the start of meeting them from their actual height to income.  “Not only is he shorter than his photograph, but he doesn’t have any money to pay for the date,” thinks the Once Eager Date seeking “Mr. Right.”  That all went out the window at first glance and conversation.  As much as one might think a person is quite shallow for desiring a certain type of man or woman, keep in mind that a date is entitled to his or her preferences whether they are reasonable or not.  If the date wants a tall guy with a bank account and the guy in front of her isn’t that and he has lied about who he is, she has the right to walk away.   

Mr. Outdoors, who likes to travel, is in search of Ms. Outdoors.  He didn’t get her and so moved on.   The lesson to be learned, be honest and don’t say you like to do something that you really don’t just to appease someone else--that’s manipulative!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues and other books.

When the Adulterous, Sexually Immoral Want You to Go Along - dating men,...

The Ex Hurt You But They Didn't - Stop the Blame

When a Man Says He Doesn't Want Children, He Means It

Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate: When a Man Says He Doesn't Want Children, He Means...: Some victims of domestic violence assume that if they have a baby for an abusive man, then another and another that some how the man will ch...

Photo by Marvin Meyer on Unsplash

When a Date is a Reader and You’re Not

There is something about reading books that makes this bachelor cringe, but the woman in front of him is so attractive and lately he hasn’t had much luck finding a great match.  The book she holds in her hand is a turn-off.  He encourages her to do something else as she heads by the pool to read once again.  The reader thought it would be a good idea since the couple saw and did a lot earlier from dining out to watching a sporting event.

Once again, her date tries to entertain her and even throws a negative comment about her book selection, “I can’t believe people read that garbage, ha!”  Put-off by her date’s comment, she ignores him for hours.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

If books turns you off as much as the gentleman in the previous example, then don’t consider dating a reader.  People who enjoy books also are very knowledgeable about many subjects and like conversing about a wide variety of topics.  They also are open to taking additional classes to better them personally and professionally.  They may be prone to attend book fairs, libraries and special book related events like a live book reading.  If they write, they may want much time alone to prepare their work for publishing.

People who are often annoying to book readers are: those who don’t like books, people who are chatty and not respectful of one’s time and space, and ignorant people who prefer opinions over facts.  When you are not mindful of a person’s interest and prefer to be critical, you put yourself at odds with the book reader.  Consider one who enjoys sports immensely, if he was paired with someone who hates sports and was often critical of his sports watching, they wouldn’t get along.  This isn’t to say that book readers and those who don’t read books would have a bad relationship, but it would suffer because someone is not respecting the other’s interest.

Keep opinions about what someone is reading to yourself unless they ask.  Don’t assume anything about a book unless you read it from cover-to-cover not judging it based on condensed notes and reviews.  Be open to attending some of those events a date likes--never shut out all interests completely, you never know what you might learn and grow from.  Most of all, if you should want to date or continue to date someone who likes books, be sure you busy yourself while the books are open.  Be polite and respectful and ask when the book reader is available to reconnect.  If you want a peaceful partnership, consider the interests of another.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love Myself and other books.  She is an inspirational speaker and shares faith-based advice here: NM Enterprise 7 on YouTube.       

Dating Witchcraft Women, Seemingly Very Caring Women

Does Laid Back Really Mean a Future Lazy Partner?

When a date described himself as “laid back,” I should have known what he really meant was “lazy.”  We usually think of a person being laid back as someone who is not reactionary, chill, or cool.  However, what we don’t think about is if a person is too “cool,” they also don’t want to follow any rules too!  If a person is “laid back” or “chill,” they also don’t feel as if they have to cook, clean, organize, or take care of other responsibilities too!

Photo by Hamza Bounaim on Unsplash

Be careful what you ask for, because you just might get it!  Mr. or Ms. Laid Back is nice to be when conversing or visiting new places, but you don’t want “laid back” when you have a list of tasks that need to be completed within a set limit of time.  You don’t need “laid back” when you are in a rush.  Mr. or Ms. Laid Back wants to do most things on his or her terms and who cares about what others’ think? 

When you hear a date sound like he is bragging about how laid back he or she is, ask questions and be observant.  “So what do you mean when you say you are laid back?  Do you mind giving me some examples of when you acted laid back?”  Don’t interrupt or share your personal opinion about laid back people, just sit back and listen.  You just might find out early on that your date may not be compatible with you.  Most hard workers do not describe themselves as laid back.  People who are passionate about their hobbies, jobs, children, and more don’t usually describe themselves as laid back.  Therefore, listen for clues that your date isn’t hard working, passionate about people and things that you might be or appears to care less about most things.

For many “laid back” types, they really enjoy an environment that is free of demands, schedules, and excitement.  They enjoy more times in front of screens rather than out on an adventure.  They prefer text over phone.  They like things more than people especially if they require much from them. 

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Laboring to Love Myself and other books.

9 Signs a Date is Uncompassionate, Cold-Hearted

Cold and uncaring, when a date like this walks into a room, you feel something strange.  Initially you can’t explain it and may even brush it off, but the energy isn’t good.  This negative vibe you feel is coming from a cold-bloodied person.  They don’t always look like a Stephen King thriller with a hollow look in their eyes; sometimes they appear engaged, kind, and intelligent.  However, these people when angry are downright unfriendly, unprofessional, and unintelligent!  So before you find yourself planning a future with a psychopath or narcissist, know the signs he or she sooner or later will care less about you!

Photo by Karl Fredrickson on Unsplash

1)  They just seem far too interested in you at first.  They make you feel like they are too good too be true.

2)  They tell white lies and hope you will overlook.

3)  They don’t seem to respond to your stories genuinely.  It seems like they are forcing emotion especially when what you are sharing is upsetting.

4)  You feel like they are acting or pretending like they care to help you when you call upon them.  Yet, when they are working with you, they aren’t doing much or doing a lot but complaining.

5)  When you first started dating the person didn’t hesitate to find out how you are feeling or how was your day, but in time, that all changes.  The date doesn’t bother to ask anymore, “How do you feel, How are you, How was work, or Do you need anything?”

6)  When others experience a loss, your date doesn’t have much to say.  Once again, he or she appears to be concerned by faking emotion.  

7)  When your date forgets to return a friend’s item, damages or loses someone else’s belongings, he or she doesn’t bother to take responsibility without repeatedly being asked about it.

8)  He or she doesn’t care to discuss your feelings, you are considered emotional or like all the rest.

9)  When approached about one’s nonchalant behaviors, the date feels justified in behaving that way and doesn’t see why their unresponsive demeanor is a problem for you.  

When dating a person lacking empathy expect the following:  they will not care too much about what you are saying unless you create distance, they will not bother to resolve matters without you being firm with him or her about them, and they will not appreciate your honest feedback about what they said or did or will look for ways to make you feel miserable.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Too Much, Too Soon Internet Dating Blues and other books.

Too Good Too Be True Men and Women - dating

Too Much Too Soon - discerning the dating profile

7 Things a Spouse, Friend Does that Makes You Feel Unloved

Lately, you have been noticing your loved one is not acting very loving.  This person is not being kind to you, isn’t acting very generous, and doesn’t seem like he or she wants to be in your presence.  Thoughts of separating from this person have been increasing lately.  What more might you need to know to determine whether the relationship or friendship has run its course.

One.  The individual doesn’t call or bother to text any niceties when he is away from you.

If this was something that he or she once did, ask him or her why has it stopped?  Are you continuing to do these things or have you also changed?

Two.  He or she doesn’t ask any questions that would encourage you to express your thoughts or feelings including inquiries about your work day.

Whether this person has become uncaring or always was, ask yourself, “What might be going on in his or her life that would make this person stop communicating with you?  What might you have said or did that may have contributed to his or her quiet behavior?”

Three.  A mate doesn’t compliment you when you look beautiful/handsome and this person says nothing when you look ill.

Has there been a history of disputes that have included: name-calling, negative statements related to appearance, and other things that are simply mean?  If so, then he or she might feel it is better to say nothing then say something to hurt your feelings yet again.  On the other hand, he or she might be too busy to notice.  This sort of behavior rarely means that he or she doesn’t like or love you anymore.

Four.  Your partner/friend doesn’t uplift you with kind words or physical touch when you feel down.

Now the lack of kindness and touch is a cause for concern.  No rub on the back from a friend who sees you cry or a kiss from a lover?  There is something clearly wrong with this unaffectionate person who may have once been very willing to comfort you.  Most often people pull away from one another due to unresolved past issues.   When you are still angry with someone, you or that person doesn’t want to be nice or touch.  It’s like a child, who just got spanked by his or her parent the little person doesn’t genuinely want to hug mom or dad afterward.  When a spouse has dishonored the relationship by being emotionally involved with another or is physically cheating, this person is going to be less affectionate.  If you have become someone’s least favorite person, they will avoid doing things like:  making eye contact, shaking your hand or patting you on the back.

Five.  Your mate acts friendlier with others than he or she does with you.

When you observe your partner being really nice with everyone else and acting unemotional, angry or even irritated with you, there is obviously something wrong.  You will need to do what you can to find out who or what might be causing his or her disinterest in you.  Be open to hearing feedback from your partner or friend about yourself. 

Six.  The individual puts on an act in front of people pretending that he or she cares for you.

This is a sign that he or she seriously doesn’t care about you but is more concerned about how he or she looks to others when this person is with you.  Cut your losses early and begin to plan to distance yourself from your so-called partner or best friend, because his or her behavior will only worsen the longer you stick around.

Seven.  When you are experiencing challenging times your mate rarely offers his or her assistance.

This is a clear sign that the relationship has reached a point where the likelihood that it is going to survive is not good.  This person has made a point to cut off personal feelings for you by no longer caring about who you are and what you do even at your worse.

Relationships and friendships are built on qualities like:  trust, appreciation, support, and love. Yet, when you no longer feel these basic emotions from someone who claims to care for you, it is safe to say that he or she is pretending until the right time comes to break up.

Nicholl McGuire

Relationships, Friendships will Change

Why Your Ex Doesn't Want You Back

He has his issues with his ex-girlfriend.  She doesn't feel she can trust her boyfriend.  The more people keep inside the worse things can get.  This is why many relationships come to a swift end.  Your ex may not want you back for any number of reasons.  An important thing you should know is that if you should force something that isn't meant to be, sooner or later you will reap the consequences.

1.  An ex may have someone else that is showing him or her interest.

The two might not be dating, but whatever the chemistry, an ex is curious.  How can one emotionally compete?  Sometimes history together has little to do with those growing feelings inside that tell a former partner, "Why not explore new possibilities, he or she hasn't hurt you?"

2.  The influence of the ex's family and friends has a significant impact.

When an ex's ears are tuned into family there is little one can do.  His or her loved ones most likely warned the ex from the start of the relationship it won't work.  With enough pressure, an ex will not think about jeopardizing his or her relationship with relatives, especially those who give her or him much.

3.  You blew it when you wouldn't admit your wrongdoing.

Sometimes pride gets in the way and after awhile a partner gives up on seeking truth.  So if you aren't transparent and you continue to lie, deny, minimize, and blame every time a certain subject matter comes up, your former mate will shut down.

4.  You have someone else.

As strange as this may seem, but sometimes we chase after the one that got away because there is something with a new partner that just doesn't satisfy us.  Even though we know an ex isn't good for us and neither is the one we are dating, yet we let our minds and hearts at times direct us where we shouldn't be.  The ex picks up that your feelings are elsewhere, he or she isn't coming back.

5.  Your ex has simply moved on.

No explanation or analysis needed on why your ex doesn't want you anymore.  There isn't anyone else, he or she isn't the least bit concerned about what loved ones think, and couldn't care less about the time you two were together.  This person just wants to get on with life without you.

When you take a moment to think about things, you will feel that maybe you aren't in love or like as much as you think with an ex.  You may be lonely, in need of material wealth or money, feel like a failure, or whatever else that has little to do with winning an ex back, but has everything to do with getting personal desires met.  An ex might have seen negative things about you that you have yet to discover about yourself and if this is the case, why bother wondering anymore why he or she doesn't want you back, work on you!

Nicholl McGuire is an author and inspirational speaker.  She is also the blog owner.

Fake Love. Sex - intimacy, relationships, couples

New Partner Plans? But Your Current Partner Doesn't Know

Some of you were with partners doing things like: watching the fireworks, saying prayers, sitting by the fire, listening to music or having sex when the new year came ringing in.  But you have a secret, you don't plan on being with your current connection for the entirety of this year.  Look your secret is safe with me!

A few times in my life, I just knew without a doubt that those jokers were not going to be around much longer.  My new year's resolution with one man, while I sat in church next to him, was to break up with him by spring.  I accomplished that task but not without six police officers showing up that sunny day in April.  They received a domestic violence call.  I had been previously abused many times and I was fed up--I fought back.

When you have grown weary of the make up to break up roller coaster, you mistreat the person without a care whether verbally or physically, and all you ever think about is ending the relationship, it's time!  This is the year that some of you will be FREE!  However, freedom doesn't come without a price especially when someone is still attached to you in some way.  This is why you have to break all connections slowly, methodically and then before long you no longer hear from him or her.

Photo by jurien huggins on Unsplash

I took my time breaking up in a violent relationship, I don't recommend you do that.  When there is a known history of violence, you get out of there as soon as possible.  Save money living somewhere else.  Look for a job from a safe location.  Pray for that person while you are far away from them.  Don't stay any longer!  However, if you aren't in a relationship that exhibits violence, but you know the person you are with is being difficult.  Stay away from the shared dwelling as much as possible.  If you don't live with him or her, you are in a great position to cut communication and dates.  For some they got a restraining order, moved out of the area, and others had to go so far as to change their names and use privacy preferences on their social media accounts.  Hey, you do what you have to do!

Plan to leave as soon as possible.  Be sure you have all ties financially, spiritually, and physically broken! 

1) Belongings are returned to the owner. 
2) Your name is removed from all shared accounts. 
3) You aren't updating mutual friends on the relationship status or your future plans. 
4) You no longer buy gifts or spend money on date nights. 
5) There is no parading a new partner overtly or covertly around your current one. 
6) Be mature through the process and try not to do anything that provokes an already angry partner. 

Sooner or later your date will catch on there is no love and no reason for the relationship to go on.  Communicate your concerns in detail only with someone who you believe you still love and you hope to make the relationship work.  Anyone else you simply speak your truth and move on.

Here's to an honest you, a person who realizes the relationship is over!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues and the owner of this blog.