He's No Good for You, She's a Slut

When well-meaning family members and friends finally meet this person you have raved so much about they may be very skeptical at first. Sometimes their skepticism never leaves no matter how much you parade your new love in front of them.

Some will be bold and others may be coy about how they really feel about your date. "He's no good...she is a slut!" They may tell you about what they think they know about the person and what they may have heard. Most likely, you will defend this person who has brought you so much joy. However, consider the source and why they feel the way they do. Is there any truth to their argument?

I can recall a time when I was head over heels in love with a guy that I brought around my family. Everyone else seemed to like him except one person. She didn't have a man herself and she was known for being a gossip. Although she was right about him being "no good," she was also very wrong for sharing her opinion with everyone else. Family members often told her to "mind her own business."

We all have to learn the hard way about people. We can't live our lives with gut feelings, assumptions and other people's opinions. We can only do one thing take the blinders off our eyes and see our dates for who they really are. There is the person who we see at face value and then there is the real person behind the scenes. The key is to set up enough situations and circumstances to test the individual to determine if he or she is right for you.


Nicholl McGuire
http://associatedcontent.com/nichollmcguire

Love Revisited: Helpful Do’s & Don’ts For The Widow/Widower Embracing New Love

Is it possible to mourn the loss of a beloved spouse and, while still grieving, to not only meet someone special, but fall in love and begin to build a new relationship that includes a commitment to sharing your lives? Can we overlap our loving and our grieving? The answer is a profound: YES! But, to smooth the path, keep these helpful Do’s and Don’ts in mind:

• Do allow yourself the joy of healing and moving on.

• Do allow yourself to feel good when this happens.

• Don’t feel guilty. You have been respectful, loving and caring towards your late spouse. Time has passed. It is healthy to want your life to move forward. Try to recognize your emotions every step of the way and not shy away from inner scrutiny, or back off from facing your emotions.

• Do know that it is possible to combine families with adult children no longer living at home.

• Do know that it will not always be smooth sailing; there will be moments of arguments and disagreements to work through.

Commonly, jealousy, fear, abandonment and money issues come up, even for your grown children. Will he leave “her” in “his” will? Will he forget about us? Will he respect our grieving? Be aware that often even the adult child feels, “I am not ready for this.” I want my dad/mom to be happy but not so fast….I’m still grieving for my mom/dad; I’m not ready to think about a “replacement” for his or her love. It may be hard for children at any age to fully understand that the bereaved are lonely and, if the widow or widower had a good marriage, this can further motivate the longing for another partner. There is also the sense of urgency, i.e., “time is running out and life will not go on forever”.

Tactfulness, thoughtfulness, and consideration for the feelings of children of all ages are so important, as well as the understanding that fathers and mothers grieve differently than their children who have their own important timetable. One cannot hurry the process of your grief, your adult children leading their own lives, or that of younger children.

While you want your life to move forward, a sensitive and understanding parent needs to recognize and be especially responsive to the needs of children living at home; children who are grieving the loss of their mother or father. The child needs the "daddy" or "mommy" that’s left. They need them to be emotionally available. Equally important, children commonly have expectations that they have exclusive rights to this parent. Dealing with young children still at home, requires an added set of challenges.

• Do listen carefully to what your child is, and is not saying.

• Do not have a new partner or romantic interest stay overnight too soon.

• Do be sensitive about the messages that you are giving your children about this new person in your life.

• Don’t have someone spend the night until they are special in your life, so that your child doesn’t feel the emotional confusion of a string of overnight guests.

• Do continue to impart important values to your child, reinforcing that love is special. Remember your behavior as a role model for your youngster.

• Do understand that someone new entering your life is confusing for your child and may come along with resentments needing to be understood and dealt with.

• Do be aware that the children are smart and can resent a new “mother,” even if she is not posed as such.

Grieving adults are entitled to happiness. Yet the grieving family members may experience confusion, conflict and rage. “I want mom back.” “I never wanted her to leave.” I want you (as my parent) not to be alone….but I’m not ready for this. Sometimes, it can’t be articulated but felt.

Keeping the channels of communication open for discussion, dialogue and sharing of experiences requires listening, and not necessarily agreeing. Each party needs to be heard and wants to be understood. Joy is to be treasured; the challenge lies in working it out in a way that is respectful to all family members.

About the Author
Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T is the co-author with Gloria Lintermans of THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love, http://www.championpress.com. Visit with Gloria at: http://creativegrief.blogspot.com

Relationship Tune Up - 7 Key Points to Avoid a Break Up or Break Down

"Every three months or 3,000 miles."

That's how the sticker in the left upper corner of my windshield reads.

It's a matter of common knowledge that we are supposed to maintain, service, and tune up our cars if we want them to run well and last.

In my experience, it rarely occurs to us to do the same thing with our love relationships.

More and more of the couples I see are not in need of long term therapy, they are more in need of a short term relationship tune up.

7 Key Points

What first attracted you to each other? - This is the first question I ask most couples because it helps to be reminded that your partner has some great qualities that led you to want to be in this relationship.

What are some of the strengths of your relationship? - Instead of all the things that are wrong with your relationship, what I want to know is what are some of the strengths of the relationship upon which we can build in order to solve the problems with which they are struggling.

When have you been the closest? - One of the easiest ways to tune up your relationship is to do the things you were doing when you were the closest.

You may have noticed that the first 3 questions were all focused on positives in the relationship.

This is done on purpose. One of the dangers of traditional marriage counseling is a focus on what is wrong or defective with an individual or the relationship. One of the many benefits of relationship coaching is a focus on using the strengths in the relationship to build up the areas where the relationship is weak.

What are your partner's emotional needs and what are your own? - If you do not know, hear are the two crucial questions to ask:

1) In order to feel loved by me, what do you need to feel in our relationship?

2) What are some ways I can meet those needs?

What is your partner's love language and what is yours? - Some folks need to hear it, some folks need to see it, and some folks need to feel it.

How do the two of you "do conflict?" - Conflict in a relationship is inevitable. Fighting is optional.

What is your vision for your relationship? - Without a vision, a relationship can perish. Here are a few questions most couples never take the time to even think about, much less ask:

1) If we could design our relationship any way we wanted, how would we like it to be?

2) What goals do we have for our relationship?

3) What do we want to give, and what do we want to get in our relationship?

For more immediately useable tips and tools for your relationship, visit relationship coach Jeff Herring's interactive website at SecretsofGreatRelationships.com


Author: Jeff Herring

Men Wake Up! A Good Woman is Man's Best Friend

Yes dogs are loyal. They will stick by you to the very end. They will still love you even when you forget to feed them, stay away too long, yell at them, and so on. But dogs can't give you what you need when your spirit is reaching out for someone to complete you. Let's be real, dogs aren't a man's best friend, but a wise woman is. Notice the key word here is "wise." A foolish woman is a man's downfall. We see that all the time in the media. A political, entertainment, or sports figure decides to go out with a woman who has strategically placed herself at the right place at the right time to obtain one's material wealth. After attempting to destroy the man's reputation, she may find temporary fame and fortune (many women don't) and then when the lights are off she is by herself name-dropping to some friends.

Men overlook wise women all the time for the ditz. The reasons are endless from beauty to status, but whatever the reason, a wise woman will come out on top every time. For purposes of this writing, let's define wise as "having or showing wisdom, good sense, or good judgment, sensible, aware of what is going on, informed," according to the Webster's New Ideal Dictionary. So to be with a wise woman is essential for a young man striving to become a better man and an older man looking to make the remaining years of his life something special.

So why is it that men in the beginning of a relationship want the wise woman, but later on find her unattractive, boring, not what they had in mind, different, strange etc.? Could it be that the man overlooked beauty over brains? Maybe he still wanted to party and travel as a single man? Or he simply couldn't handle the challenge of thinking deeply, acting honestly, and being sensible? Not every man is ready for adult conversation and responsibilities. Some men as they grow older become weary of being the focused professional, able to handle challenges in a single bound. The superman title gets old for some. Just like women at certain times in their life just want to let their hair down and have a good time, there are men who want to do the same. But what's wrong with having it all with a wise woman who can be a help mate in fulfilling your dreams and aspirations?

I have personally talked with men over the years who are confused as to what it truly means to have a serious relationship with someone. Their take on a good relationship is similar to that of a high school crush. They expect to be in love forever--holding hands, kissing, and playing under the covers. However, they don't anticipate the stormy days when they aren't the likeable, funny guy that their mate fell in love with in the beginning. These clueless men's feelings become easily wounded when she objects to a silly joke, wants some space, or finds fault with them about something. They have associated a bad day or bad mood with a "throw the baby out with the bath water" type of relationship drama. Before you know it, they are holding grudges and looking for the next woman who they can feel those butterflies with. Yes, there are women who act the same way, but this article is not about them, it's about men who need to understand the importance of having a relationship with a wise woman and not a foolish one.

The men that I have talked to unfortunately didn't have a mother or a father around them who taught them what type of woman they needed that could be an asset to their lives. Instead, they were told to get involved with certain women for shallow reasons such as "she is pretty, she is older, and she has money..." But what they weren't told was that the woman who can complete them is the one who will be a beacon to their lives. Like a lighthouse, she will show you the way in a storm. When you have lost your job, succumbed to illness, witnessed a relative die, or fell into a depression, she will pick you up and usher you were you need to be in life.

So what are the character traits of a wise woman? She is kind, considerate, and respected by family and friends. She is a planner, organizer, and detailed oriented. She is an independent thinker and no longer needs her mother, father and other relatives to guide her life. She has stopped saying, "Well my mother said...grandma told me...daddy reminded me..." She has a faith and is spiritually gifted. She may possess any one or all of the spiritual gifts as defined in the Christian Bible. For those who do not understand her, she is looked upon as a know-it-all type. Wise women who have allowed compliments to go to their heads are not looked upon with favor by those closest to them, because they are not disciplined enough to know how to communicate with others in a loving manner. However, in the public, they are admired. These women also tend to be bossy, arrogant, and sometimes unforgiving. They use their intellect to cast revenge and anger on others purposely. "God told me to tell you...You are stupid...You are a fool...that's why you are going to hell!" These are the kind of things that wise women will say that make them look no better than a fool! They can be too wise in their own eyes at times and turn people completely off. "You should do this...why don't you say that...do this because I said so..." She is always talking, but never listening. Yet, a wise woman who is in control of her emotions, humble, and loves others is a person who can be cherished. She is saying, "I am here for you, if you need me."

A wise woman watches your back. She sees trouble coming from all angles even from your own family and friends. She may have never interacted or seen some of them, yet she knows that this person(s) is a potential problem or may threaten the household in some way. When your mother or other family members are being controlling and want to make you do what they want you to do when they want it, a wise woman will remind you about your current responsibilities and advise you to take a stand. For those of you who are married, you should already know this, and if you don't then here's your wake up call. A wise woman will tell you about that gut feeling she has about certain women at your workplace and although you maintain your innocence it doesn't mean that you won't slip up, so watch what you say and do. Wise women will also warn you when things in the house aren't working, the car needs a tune up, and the children are misbehaving. She isn't telling you these things to aggravate you, but she wants you as the man of the house to do your part. She knows she can't do everything and she doesn't want to take over unless pushed. And being pushed is never a good thing for anyone. You can defile your wise woman at home and turn her into a bossy nag who will make you wish you never laid eyes on her! However, if everyone does their part the household will run efficiently.

A wise woman will create a schedule on how the household should best operate. She will manage dates and times so that everyone knows what is ahead. She isn't trying to control your free time, but she wants to be sure of the following: there is time for the two of you, time for the children and time for the extended family and friends. She knows that if she doesn't make some time for all parties particularly the in-laws, she will be blamed and looked at by your family as someone who is keeping you away from everyone while henpecking you for her own benefit. She knows how people think and she wants to be sure that you and the family is always looked upon with favor.

Wise women are very good at saving money. She isn't interested in spending every dollar in the house for herself; rather, she knows that bills need to be paid, groceries, toiletries, and other household goods are needed. It makes sense to her to buy in bulk and save; rather than buy in singles and pay double. She is the master at seeing what the future holds. She knows that an emergency savings will be necessary, an education fund will need to be set up, holidays are coming, and so much more. So she spends hours researching, heads to the store with sales papers and coupons in tote looking for the best deals.

A gift that most wise women have is one of instinct also known as women's intuition. She may have tapped into it in the above examples when she came to you with a series of warnings and questions. Some of these wise women have dreams, visions, and unexplained feelings. They just know when something is wrong or when it is right. She may tell you suddenly to do something that you would have rather put off or stay away from something or someone, if you listen to her and do what she says at that time, you may benefit. She also knows when she is being lied to or betrayed, but she won't always say, because if she is one of faith, she knows that God will deal with you or those around her accordingly. It is better to avoid lying to a wise woman at all costs. The consequences aren't ever worth the price of putting your relationship with her at risk.

So before you do the following: write that smart woman off who may be interested in you, end your current relationship, or think the grass is greener on the other side, consider this, wise women are rare nowadays. There aren't many who come from stable homes with a mom, dad and siblings. There are few who aren't materialistic and even fewer who grew up amongst prayer warriors. If you are one of those men who have fallen out of love with your wise woman, then work real hard to fall back in love with her. Take some time out and remind yourself about the good ole days and do something special for her and yourself. A wise woman is a keeper.

For more articles by Nicholl McGuire, Click Here!

How To Find A Husband The Wrong Way

Too many times single women will go hunting with girlfriends in search of a potential mate only to come home heartbroken once again, because no one seemed to be right for them. There are many good reasons why that occurs, here's one main reason: don't look for a man with women! The following information in this article will provide you with all the things women do wrong to get a man and may answer the question why some of you are still single after 35.

Some single women have either an extreme positive attitude or an extreme negative attitude. Where is the balance? No one wants Bubbles for a wife, maybe a lover, but not a wife. If everyone tells you how bubbly you are, it isn't always meant as a compliment. There are men who don't respond well to a woman who thinks that even a gloomy, rainy day with ice and snow is just "great!" Know how to tone your voice and body movements down a notch. No one is asking you to kill who you are, but you will have to consider making a few adjustments.

Now, Bubbles has a negative friend, named Attitude. Attitude is angry at every man who has ever lied, cheated, or showed up ten minutes late. She falsely assumes that anyone she meets will treat her like a b*tch, because everyone else did. Well, if they have, maybe you like Bubbles, will have to remember to tone it down. Toning the attitude down doesn't mean being a weak mouse, but what it does mean is you will have to make some adjustments in your personality if you want to be talked to by a man, maybe even asked out on a date.

Avoiding others to help you find a husband. What is wrong with asking someone who knows you well? If you have in the past and it didn't turn out well, consider who you asked and how many people you asked. Finding a husband should be a project that you would want everyone who cares about you involved.

Telling men too much about yourself on the first date. No man wants to hear about your sexual conquests with other men no matter how open he seems to act. He is just testing you to see if you are wife material or "slam bam thank you ma'm" material. Go ahead and tell him only what he wants to hear and you won't last a year with him. He has dated women like you before, so he knows "the type." Ever hear that statement before? Do less talking and more listening.

He isn't interested in all your money and achievements. If you list everything you have ever done that was outstanding, he may feel like you are more of a competitor than a lover. Once again, think balance when you are talking to your potential husband. Think: "A little about me, with a tad about the family, add a cup of my interests, stirred up and served with my boundaries - sex tonight, tomorrow, months from now or we will talk about it when the time is right."

Tacky appearance. In other words, you don't bother to keep yourself up physically. Like men, too many women make excuses for how they look yet they dare criticize another for being too tall, fat, ugly, smelly, etc. Be sure that you aren't looking like the way you despise. If so, do something about it, before someone boldly calls you out on your flaws in the future and if you can't help certain things, then enhance your stronger attributes.

Going places to find men in places you don't like. If you don't like meeting men at a club, then why go there? if you rather meet men at a fitness center, then make yourself go. Don't go to places that you know in the past has brought you the kind of men you rather live without.

Assuming you know yourself better than everyone else. You don't always know what's best for you, because if you did you would be married by now. Consider what everyone has been telling you about yourself. Take the good, bad, and ugly about yourself and make the needed changes.

Not allowing yourself enough time to heal. You haven't gotten over the last man who hurt you before you are in bed with another. How do you expect to heal from your past wounds when you are bringing those into your new relationships? Enjoy truly being single without allowing a man to visit, stay the night, or even call you. You will know when you are ready when your family and friends notice that you haven't been seeing or mentioning any man in your conversation.

You don't bother to "really" pray. When you have prayed it probably went something like this, "God you know I am lonely, send me a man about six foot with dark hair, handsome, with a job, etc, etc. In Jesus name Amen." What kind of prayer is that? Instead, you should pray, "Lord help me to become a better person, strengthen my relationship with you and if it is meant for me to have a husband then let it be so. I won't bother praying about a man any more since I have more important things to do such as needing your help with..." You already prayed without ceasing on the husband part for years I am sure, there has been potential husbands...now it's time to pray without ceasing in other areas of your life.

From checking your attitude at the door to praying to God for guidance, whatever you have done or will do to get a husband, remember to focus on what matters the most and that is your own personal happiness. Many times women who have found husbands found them when they weren't looking for them. Allow yours to come to you without you holding up a big sign of desperation stating, "I need a husband, are you the one for me?" Utilize the tips, then come back and tell the world your story.

For more articles by Nicholl McGuire, Click Here!

Ten Internet Dating Tips

The following tips will help you with your quest to find someone who is right for you online.

1. When reviewing the photos of people on social networking sites, be sure that you don't pick someone who is seen in all his or her photographs smiling with their mouth closed, wearing a hat, sitting down, wearing an unusual amount of makeup, or standing behind someone or something. This person is obviously trying to cover up their hidden flaws. They may be balding, obese or very short, have terrible looking teeth, covering up birthmarks, freckles or pimples or they may have some kind of handicap.

2. If you should find someone who has done this in all there photographs, ask them in your email to send you a recent photo. Now he or she may not have one, but give them enough time to get one taken. If they are always coming up with an excuse, move on.

3. Don't rush to ask for phone numbers. If you find that you are anxious to speak to this person over the phone, think about why. Is it because you haven't had sex in awhile, you are just curious about his or her voice, and/or he or she is saying all the right things in their emails? Whatever the case, write as much as you like until you are comfortable with the answers you are receiving and that you honestly care for this person. (If they seem as if they are putting you off, not responding to email in a timely manner or answering all emails with little or no detail, move on.)

4. Be sure when you are writing your first emails to them that you aren't getting "too serious". Don't get into your desires of being married and having children right away or writing a history of every Tom, Dick and Harry or Jane, Mary and Tina who ever broke your heart. Find out what their likes and dislikes are, what they enjoy doing daily, where do they like to go, what kind of hobbies they love, how do they feel about their job, family, and friends. In later emails, you may want to bring up the serious topics in such a way that would not make them run for the border. For instance, when asking about a mental condition, you may say that you read somewhere how most mental illnesses are genetic and that you found out from a friend that he is bipolar (don't make up a lie, but use a true case.) Do they know of anyone who has suffered from the disease?

5. Don't forget to spell check your emails. Many educated people who can spell well, frown at emails that are riddled with spelling and grammatical errors. Be sure to read over what you write aloud. This helps when you are trying to find out if you communicated your point well.

6. There is no set time on how long you email back and fourth, so don't set a limit of how long you will do it. He or she may have other email pals or gals, but don't let that push you to ask for a date sooner rather than later. Sometimes those other email pals or gals are in a rush to meet and then ultimately hang themselves being disrespectful, pushy, lying, cheating etc. It is better to play the best friend or confidante role to get what you want long term rather than the one night stand.

7. Remember in your emails to acknowledge birthdays and other holidays. Ask about family and friends by name (if you know any.) It makes the receiver feel like you have been thinking about them and sincerely care.

8. When he or she feels like they can trust you, you may want to send them something special in the mail. Reassure them that you wouldn't surprise them on their job or at home, but that you just want to send them something nice. If they aren't ready to share their address, don't take it personal just say, "Maybe next time."

9. Now that you have survived the email relationship, you may want to ask for that all important date. Start the email off by saying how much you enjoyed writing, but you would like to exchange phone numbers. If they say no, be patient, at least you know that they will be thinking about it. The reason why it is a big deal for some people is they feel if they talk with you on the phone that eventually it will lead to something more and if they aren't ready they don't want to lead you on.

10. When you set up the date, time and meeting place, be sure to leave a note in your apartment and tell someone close to you where you will be going. Better yet, if you can have someone at your home to take a photo of the two of you or glance at the license plate of his or her vehicle, you will be playing it safe.

For more advice by Nicholl McGuire, Click Here!

Editorial: How to Communicate with People Who Mask Their True Selves

They smile at you, appear to be friendly, seem to have it altogether and most of all they seem just a bit too overjoyed to see you as they put their arms around you. Chances are you have felt uneasy around them although they have a bright, beautiful smile on their masked faces. The politician, preacher, mother, friend or foe are masters at wearing masked faces.

So what exactly is a "masked face"? It is a front, disguise or a well-rehearsed expression that appears on the face. Underneath it all these faces are crying inside. They are battling with past hurts, resentment, bitterness and anger. "I have to smile," they tell themselves. "Because I don't want the world to see my pain." As we all know, the world isn't kind to emotional people. We are uncomfortable around a man or woman crying. We try to "make light" of situations. We say uncompassionate things like, "Shake it off!" or "It isn't that bad." When in all actuality what hurt people are going through is really bad, and it shouldn't matter what you or me think, if they or us have to let tears go sometimes, then let go. Ever wonder why people turn to drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, sex and food for comfort? Because the world tells them, "No one cares." Why would anyone want to share his or her deepest feelings with a world that doesn't care?

Have you ever tried to share your feelings with your loved ones about your problems only to get a response of silence? Sometimes they are careful not to say anything for fear that they may say the wrong thing, but in other cases you know they were never really listening to begin with, when they grab their cell phone to make a call, pick up the remote control to the television and turn it on, or go out of their way to start speaking to someone else with that annoying "wait just a moment" gesture. Then your left standing there wishing you had never opened your mouth, because you feel worse than you did before you started talking.

have arrived at a conclusion in my analysis of the "masked faces" and that is they are no more special than you and me. You may have been envious initially when you first met them saying to yourself, "I wish I were more like her." She seems to have her life on track. However, that just might not be true. Then of course, there are those couples who will smile at everyone and affectionately hold one another, but at home are they really that way? Not always, with one in two marriages ending in divorce everyday, do you really believe it is happily ever after?

The next time a "masked face" that you assume is very much happy, yet you have this tugging in your spirit, gut or whatever you want to call it, take a moment with he or she and make small talk. Spend a little more time listening to them and watch, before long the hurt will show up in their eyes, because they really needed that moment of release. All the while as you witness their pain, encourage them to do something bigger than themselves. Ask the "masked face," the hard questions such as: What is your purpose for living? How would you like to be remembered if you died today or tomorrow? Remind them of the people they love and those who have gone on before them. Tell them your own personal story of triumph in hard times. Lastly, be careful of what you say and do, because this is a vulnerable moment with you that they will most likely remember for the rest of their lives. This isn't a time to kick a man while he is down. Avoid bragging and presenting yourself as the authority of life's solutions to problems.

For more editorials by Nicholl McGuire,Click Here!