I decided to interview myself on this issue of reconciliation since I have been there and done that many times. During my quiet meditation, I believe I had heard some of the wisest words in a long time from my Creator which many of you are already familiar. I suggest you go to the Holy Bible and look up I Corinthians 13 and read about love. He asked me to ask myself, "Can I be patient? Can I be kind? Can I no longer keep record of wrongs?" How I felt about these questions and the way I answered them said a lot to me about reconciling with my past.
You see, all it takes is a reality check with one's self to realize that maybe, just maybe a reconciliation might work. But are you truly willing to let go and move on into a relationship with someone who you at one time thought to yourself, "I wish I never met her/him?" Think about it.
Sometimes it is simply better to let your relationship just be. So you had an argument the other day that was so bad that the cops should have been called. Did anyone get physically abused? If not, what you worried about? Well, "he might hurt me in the future" or "she is crazy enough to punch my lights out." Well if it is that serious, well you don't need me to tell you what you should be doing or maybe you should, visit: http:// laboringtoloveanabusivemate.blogspot.com if this describes you. However, for those of you who just get really loud when you argue and look really crazy, let's talk about the relationship.
If your mate is oftentimes bringing out the best in you, then why not stay? And seriously what do you need to work on in your relationship? How about being nice more often. That's right, simply be nice. You remember that is what a relative may have told you back in the day. "Be nice son...be nice daughter...don't want to hear about you misbehaving!"
Do you have a good support system around you? Do you pray? Are you drug and alcohol free? Then focus on your basic needs and the needs of your family while being nice. All the extra distractions like the TV, the friends, the relatives and other similar things will keep you fussing and irritated, know how to handle all with balance. Set aside time to manage each without letting it come between you and your mate.
But what if he or she just doesn't get you? Well, maybe you might have to do something that says, "I think we need to reach a compromise before I start thinking about packing my bags." Hey, it just might work. You see, sometimes we get so comfortable with people that we don't bother doing our best at home or work. But what a reality check when you start making life inconvenient for the slackers!
Some of you may think that there is someone out there who is better, and most likely there is, but good luck trying to find him or her in a sea of billions of people. There comes a point in any relationship where you just have to make up in your mind that you just want to be with the person you are now with come hell or high water and that divorce is no option.
Once you have reached the point in your relationship where you know there is no breaking up, just working to stay together, you will no longer wonder if that girl at work is "the one" or if that man up the street will make a good dad.
We wouldn't be human if we didn't think about that nice looking guy or gal we passed by on the street. However, we must arrest our emotions and know that someone at home is waiting for us and that our mate is the one that completes us.
There are the stomach, head and chest aches whenever you think of this person or hear his or her name. You may also experience mood swings that make you angry one minute and sad the next. There is usually a strong desire to be with him or her, but after a lengthy discussion one realizes that his or her decision to let go was best.
You will miss your ex and at times will go over in your head the events that led to your break up. At times, you think he or she is the worst person in the world and may tell everyone so via phone, poetry, music, or counseling, but secretly you know he or she isn't that bad.
You might surprisingly think about an ex from long ago and want to reconnect, because you desire a spark to make you feel alive again. Sometimes you may attend church services, listen to praise music, or connect with friends just to keep your mind off this person or to keep away the desire to sleep with an ex or get someone new. Break up withdrawal is serious!
But what keeps some people from going back to that one who has repeatedly hurt them? They have learned that just like they were passionate at one time to be with this person, they have learned to be equally passionate about not wanting to be with a former partner. I have heard people say, "When I break up with someone, I don't go back...I don't have sex...hang out--nothing!" What has made them so adamant about their actions? They have established boundaries that they will not permit themselves to break. What are your boundaries?
Some people don't bother to think about how they will deal with a break up until after the fact. When one breaks up with another, it is a process. You can't simply walk out the door and say, "That's it!" It's a journey toward healing. If you want to reach healing, you must allow yourself to do the following: cry, get angry, write a "Dear John" letter (that you don't send otherwise you are encouraging dialogue,) discuss your issues with a trusted friend, take care of yourself, and most of all establish a new life that no longer includes, "we." It's hard at times to get over someone and it may take a long-time; so take baby steps! However, keeping in contact with the person, seeing he or she everyday, and doing other things (like having sex with this person) will hinder the process. Know that you know that you know!
Don't be jealous! Don't want what they have! I tell you it's short-lived and most always isn't what it appears to be behind closed doors no matter what they tell you! Some people love to create false fronts, so that those around them will say, "What a great couple! I wish that were me and..." These romantic couples believe that if they can create an image of "happy" and "in love" that it will help their relationship and in some cases it might. However, for some relationships, public displays of affection does nothing more than deceive those around them and puts yet another unnecessary burden on an already tensed relationship. Sure, there are those couples who are honestly in lust and/or in love. They will hug, kiss, cuddle, and more in public, but just like you experienced in years past, it isn't forever and always.
Feelings begin to go downhill as people get more comfortable with one another and then they sharply decline after one, two, three or more arguments. Now the once happy couple is looking around at other couples hoping that they could get back whatever they once had.
I think as a society, we have watched far too much romantic movies on TV and on the Internet. There are no happy ever afters! There are only happy sometimes afters (if that makes any sense.) I have personally witnessed couples who have been together for years argue, cuss, fuss, and fight over the littlest of things then turn around within minutes, hours or days and act as if nothing ever happened. I find that the couples who have been together for 20 plus years have just learned to let a lot go, it doesn't make them any better or special, they just go through the motions and then let go. These couples HAVE LEARNED to give one another a pass on many things and don't hold one another to any particular standards that include, "You will...You better or else..."
So as much as we like to mimic a favorite romantic movie scene, we must realize that there is fantasy and then there is reality. Take a moment to question what exactly you want from the relationship and then communicate it to your partner. When the mood comes upon you to be romantic then do it, don't contemplate it! Hold her hand, kiss his lips, or send your partner a nice card and/or gift.
In one’s quest to find Mr. Right or Ms. Right, he or she will find that there are more Mr. and Ms. Wrongs. So that you are saving yourself time and money, learn how to protect yourself from a potentially bad date. There are tips discussed that may also save your life.
One. Take a self-defense course, watch an online video, or DVD about protecting yourself. You just never know a woman or man may act like a lady and gentleman at first, but spend a little time with them and they may do or say things that threaten you. Don’t get caught off guard. Learn maneuvers to restrain a woman who may be clawing or biting you. Find out how to fight a man who may be a lot bigger than you.
Two. When making arrangements to meet, let your date know that you have some things to do after the date. He or she may want to change the appointment, don’t do it. This will be your excuse in case you don’t like his or her company. If you don’t want to come off as a liar, really do plan to meet with relatives or friends after the date (Let them know in advance the name of the person and any other pertinent details you may have about him or her.) If it is too late to meet with family or friends, be sure you really do have work to do. You may tell your date that you have tasks to do such as ironing a shirt for the next morning, studying, cleaning your bathroom, and anything else that will send a message to him or her that these activities are more important than spending any more time with you. The last thing you want to be in anyone’s eyes including someone you are not fond of is a liar even if he or she is offended that you aren’t interested in them. You never know where you might see this person again.
Three. Don’t arrange to meet at your home or job on the first date. If you do this and the date doesn’t go well, you may receive pop up visits from him or her wanting to know when you will be available to go out again. Also, you don’t know enough about this person; he or she may be a stalker.
Four. Meet at a public area and drive your own vehicle. If you don’t have a car, be sure there are bus lines near the location. If you need to cut the date short, you definitely don’t want to have to rely on him or her for a ride. You may find yourself in his or her car having to listen to how bad of a person you are or arguing about some issue that happened during the date.
Five. Don’t ignore first impressions. The gut feeling or something told me feeling has saved many people’s lives. When you feel that this person may not be your ideal mate, don’t try to talk yourself into being in a relationship with him or her. Some people are gifted, being able to see what the future looks like with their date, and if you envision that you and the children you may have one day with this person will incur many problems, this isn’t an overactive imagination at work, this is a sign to keep away!
Six. Don’t plan to invite this person back to your home, hotel room, or any place where you will be out of the public eye. By accepting an invite or welcoming a date to your private spot especially during the first few dates, tells this person you are interested in him or her. If you find yourself on the fence about this person, don’t go back to their place thinking things will get better. Ask yourself this question, “How much time will I be spending in the bed with this person as compared to how much time I will be out of the bed with him or her?” Of course, you know the answer. So if this person irritates you, isn’t good-looking to you, and has bad breath, why settle?
Both men and women have a problem with rejection; therefore, one may not easily say no to another. If saying no is hard for you, then you will need to put a plan in place in advance that will help you let your date down gently once you discover that he or she isn’t right for you.
As mentioned earlier, you will want to include the following in your plan: skills on self defense, a plan of escape, limited conversation about where you live and where you work, arrange for your own transportation, keep your eyes open to things you don’t like about his or her personality, and avoid areas where you can’t be seen by the public.
By Nicholl McGuire
Relationship Topics of Interest
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