How to Know You Are Marrying More for Religious Reasons than Love
You thought you met the man or woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with but you have your share of doubts. It all started when you caught him or her in lies, questioned their whereabouts and they avoided an explanation, or wondered if the co-worker they talk frequently about is really just a friend. You want to get married to your child’s father or mother, but not necessarily because you just love them. Rather, because those around you tell you that it is the right thing to do. You may agree with them and feel that morally you want to fix what is considered an immoral thing. So what some Christians or believers in a faith do, is get married ignoring all signs that say that this person is not the one.
A woman, Nancy (not her real name) did just that. She reasoned that she would marry her porno addicted fiancé because she thought that if she did and she prayed long and hard enough that God will fix the situation and her soon-to-be husband would stop looking at porn. She was wrong. Even a close spiritual advisor warned her not to and she ignored her saying to the advisor, “God would want her to do what is right and marry her children’s father.”
A man whose identity is being removed to protect his privacy also chose to marry his fiancé knowing that she had a past of cheating and lying to him. He reasoned that she was “the one” despite his mother’s efforts and others in the family to change his mind. He wanted his marriage to be blessed in the eyes of God.
Then there was Bill (whose name has been changed) told family members and friends that he married out of love; however, his family and friends saw additional reasons for why he wanted to marry including the fact that he and his fiancé knew they were pregnant and didn’t want to bring their child into the world without being married first despite their often disagreements.
Now in all of these situations these people reasoned that to get married for spiritual or religious beliefs was the right thing to do. However, if we look at I Corinthians 13: 4-13 and define the definition of love in the New International Version of the Bible, we find examples of good reasons to marry someone, but not because morally you should just go ahead and do it. Then there are many other scriptures that deal with love and marriage in the Bible and none of them have anything to do with reasoning in one’s mind that “everything will be alright if I just get married” and “God will bless my marriage in spite of…”
So how do you know that you are getting married more for religious reasons then for love? You will need to not only evaluate what you are doing and saying to your partner and vice versa, but you will also have to pray for specific signs that will help you make the right decision. Sometimes people do pray for wisdom concerning getting married, but when it is given to them and it’s something they don’t want to hear they do the following: they ignore the wisdom, reason that the person who is giving them advice is jealous, or argue why they should get married despite asking for honest advice. You will know that you are marrying more for religious reasons than love when you find yourself saying or doing the following.
Asking people for advice while ignoring what you already know.
Of course those fellow believers who want you to be happy will encourage you to do whatever you want. They may pull out all of the scriptures that encourage a union, but ignore the ones about being unequally yoked to an unbeliever or other scriptures that God intended to convict your spirit. If you say that you love your partner they will say, “Go ahead get married.” If you say he or she is the parent of my children and I really want him or her in my life they will say, “Go ahead get married.” If you say we have been through so much together and I really want this they will say, “What’s stopping you? Go ahead and get married.” This is not what you should be doing is asking your personal cheerleading team. God wants you to be consulting with him and if he gives you signs you prayed for concerning your partner which are loud and clear, “Look the other way.” Heed them. You can always find other ways to have the parent of your children in your life and the lives of your children without being married to him or her. Sometimes we can make life worse for ourselves and our children in the long term by doing things that we know we shouldn’t. As we all know, those of us who have been married before know that honeymoons don’t last forever!
Your pastor or staff will tell you that “you should be married in the House of the Lord.”
Being married in the house of the Lord or under a blessed bridge with a divine shadow of the Mother of God isn’t going to help your situation when you know that this partner you are considering on marrying is a liar, cheat, angry all the time, violent, and so on. As the scripture says that our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, so if this is true why would you subject your body to abuse and reason that getting married in a holy place will somehow make everything good. Sometimes people assume that if a man or woman of God anoints his or her forehead, prays for them, or reads scripture to them that like a magic potion their partners will change. If anything, they may get worse, because people who don’t have a faith are not happy about anyone doing any of these things to them, if anything it makes them feel strange and uncomfortable and if they feel this way too long they will begin to blame you.
Attending Bible studies and church often.
You may spend more time in the church then you do anywhere else. Of course, being around spiritual people and frequently reading the Bible will make you think about spiritual things often. You will also witness other couples interacting with one another, hear messages from the pulpit about marriage, and read stories about successful relationships. When someone hears enough things about what they desire most long enough, they will start to build a false image about their own relationship. The truth is you don’t have a relationship like pastor and his wife and you can’t compare your relationship with someone else’s in the church just because you saw someone caress his wife or kiss her husband. Chances are your relationship may be worse or better and even still that is not why you should be getting married for image sake. Rather, you should be evaluating what your real motivation is and what you and your partner should be doing and saying to have a quality relationship.
In closing, take the time to be alone and think about all of the reasons why you need to get married to your partner then think of all the reasons why you shouldn’t. When you pray, be specific with your requests such as asking for wisdom and a discerning spirit when it comes to deciding whether or not you should go through with a marriage. Forgive yourself for past mistakes you made, but don’t try to fix them by getting married. Instead, study the word and find subject areas that speak to not just married life, but daily living. Read self-improvement books by best-sellers that can help you understand how men and women should communicate in relationships. Most importantly, ignore everyone’s voice but your own no matter how good or bad the advice. Only you know what you can and can’t handle in your relationship. If you are dealing with an issue that keeps you up at night, that incites arguments, and makes you cry or yell often then seriously consider not getting married. As we all know most marriages end in divorce, because people don’t take the time to think before they leap!
By Nicholl McGuire
Counseling For Engaged Couples
In this day and age where so many couples have been together for years prior to the wedding day, here are some reasons to take counseling for engaged couples as seriously as you would if you had already been married for years and were going through a significant life change. People do not only seek out counselors with the words, "I need help with my relationship!" Some seek out counseling when a new baby comes along, when a significant family member is sick or dies, and when a new job is about to completely redefine the family. Whether the counseling comes free from a religious authority or is paid for, we seek assistance from those who have experience with life changes when we find ourselves there.
Getting married is a huge life change, no matter how long you have known and loved each other! So grab this opportunity to take responsibility for your relationship as the adults you are and turn it into a rite of passage that prepares you for crossing the threshold of marriage.
Marriage changes people and it changes relationships. Some of it is pragmatic; such as, you are now someone's son-in-law or daughter-in-law. Whatever they thought of you before, you are now family. Marriage has changed your status in the family and only death or divorce can change it. Your in-laws attitude cannot change your status!
There is also something mystical about marriage that creates an energetic change between the two of you. Some of that has to do with expectations that accompany marriage. When he was your boyfriend and then fiancé, he loved how you dressed! Now, suddenly, he's making requests for a little more modesty from you. And you find yourself resenting any single girlfriend who wants to borrow your husband's handyman skills around her house. This legal, spiritual bond is a living thing that permeates your lives and grows for the rest of your lives.
So when you accept counseling as an engaged couple in preparation for marriage with an open mind and heart and the willingness to learn something about yourselves from it, you take a stand that your intention to marry means something very significant. You are taking yourselves seriously as individuals and as a couple and it adds to the foundation of your "couple-hood."
In premarital counseling they will ask you to explore your thoughts and feelings about finances, how many children you want to have, how your relationships with your future in-laws are, etc. Each of those topics requires more attention than we can give here. In the meantime, let's finish this article with some helpful hints about how to keep that honeymoon glow alive between you as the years go by.
There are many ways to say, "I love you." For instance, giving thought to how he or she would like it done and taking action to make it so every once in awhile says, "I love you," pretty loudly! For instance, if she likes a clean kitchen, you just don't care, and usually this is no big deal because she cleans up after herself as she cooks; those rare times you take over the kitchen, clean up after yourself. It's an awesome way to show her you love her.
If he likes an early bed time and you're a night owl, instead of establishing a habit of going to bed hours apart, get ready for bed and climb into it at the same time anyway. You can read as he sleeps or get up after he's fallen asleep. Showing him you love him by respecting his desire is brilliant!
Little things go a long way in a marriage and there are millions of little ways to say, "I love you." With the internet at your fingertips there are really no excuses. Did you know there are sites that will create a message in a bottle as a unique way to send a love greeting? In fact, there are a number of sites solely dedicated to creating love greetings! If you want to tuck a love note in her briefcase or in his suitcase and have run out of clever things to say, you can visit one of these sites and they will help you say it in a way that truly impresses!
Whenever you are on a beach, write I love you in the sand. If as a couple you don't have "your song," it is never too late to find it. Whenever you watch a movie whose love theme mirrors your own, acknowledge it with a squeeze of the hand or an arm over the shoulder.
Opportunities to say, "I love you," cross your path each and every day. With little effort you can learn to spot them and take action.
Counseling for engaged couples may not sound exciting. But it is just the beginning of the two of you taking yourselves as a couple and your love seriously. You are worth the effort.
Date How Long Before Getting Engaged?
Dating to engagement should take minimum of one year because the real question is: how long does it takes to develop the type of friendship that leads to long-lasting marriage. That's crucially important because best marriages are based on being best friends and it takes 'time' to develop as best friends.
How long that takes depends upon how well you and your prospective mate have mastered Communication Intimacy. That is communication at its deepest level. That's the goal of marriage-to work together in union as one team. This unity of heart, soul and spirit bonds couples as soul mates.
A soul mate is someone who has the unique ability to bring out the best in us. The chemistry ignited between partners turns their souls on physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. The only way this can be accomplished is by "knowing" each other's inner workings that bond with ours in shared outlook and purpose. Does your prospective partner bring out the best in you?
You've heard it said often, communication is the key to a good relationship. Communication is what it's all about. This communication probes for compatibility assessing how to handle differences, how to manage disagreements.
It scrutinizes likes, dislikes, habits, thinking on politics, religion, health, future parenting, financial matters, career expectations, housework, conflict resolution, vacation time preferences, responsibilities toward parents, anger, jealousy, insecurities, neediness and so forth. This requires effort, maturity and TIME!
If the potential for lifetime love is there, couples begin to talk about their deepest thoughts, feelings, dreams, fears and joy. This is where you discover if both are similarly endowed intellectually. Doesn't necessarily mean education because some very smart people never make it to college, but it means a couple needs to be in the same league intellectually.
Couples need to see things similarly and speak about them in similar ways. It doesn't always matter so much how smart the partners are, but it does matter how close they are intellectually.
Another area of deep concern is that couples need to agree upon the same values--Especially how to handle MONEY. You must be on the same page because money and finances are emotional issues. Often our self-worth is tied to how much or how little money we make. This could erupt into power and control issues.
Individual have different money histories and styles that they bring into the relationship-one may be a BIG spender; the other a penny pincher. If money issues are not clearly laid out on the table, problems will surface later and trust in the relationship can erode.
Couples need to communicate on a monthly basis about their financial status. If there are major problems you need to seek financial counseling BEFORE entering into marriage with each other.
So how long should you date before getting engaged? Depends on how long it takes to get to know each other in the two areas mentioned above. And how long it takes to master 5 other steps in the dating process.
So take your time to develop a deep friendship first, and date at least a year or two before getting engaged for marriage.
By Donna PattersonRelationship Tune Up - 7 Key Points to Avoid a Break Up or Break Down
That's how the sticker in the left upper corner of my windshield reads.
It's a matter of common knowledge that we are supposed to maintain, service, and tune up our cars if we want them to run well and last.
In my experience, it rarely occurs to us to do the same thing with our love relationships.
More and more of the couples I see are not in need of long term therapy, they are more in need of a short term relationship tune up.
7 Key Points
What first attracted you to each other? - This is the first question I ask most couples because it helps to be reminded that your partner has some great qualities that led you to want to be in this relationship.
What are some of the strengths of your relationship? - Instead of all the things that are wrong with your relationship, what I want to know is what are some of the strengths of the relationship upon which we can build in order to solve the problems with which they are struggling.
When have you been the closest? - One of the easiest ways to tune up your relationship is to do the things you were doing when you were the closest.
You may have noticed that the first 3 questions were all focused on positives in the relationship.
This is done on purpose. One of the dangers of traditional marriage counseling is a focus on what is wrong or defective with an individual or the relationship. One of the many benefits of relationship coaching is a focus on using the strengths in the relationship to build up the areas where the relationship is weak.
What are your partner's emotional needs and what are your own? - If you do not know, hear are the two crucial questions to ask:
1) In order to feel loved by me, what do you need to feel in our relationship?
2) What are some ways I can meet those needs?
What is your partner's love language and what is yours? - Some folks need to hear it, some folks need to see it, and some folks need to feel it.
How do the two of you "do conflict?" - Conflict in a relationship is inevitable. Fighting is optional.
What is your vision for your relationship? - Without a vision, a relationship can perish. Here are a few questions most couples never take the time to even think about, much less ask:
1) If we could design our relationship any way we wanted, how would we like it to be?
2) What goals do we have for our relationship?
3) What do we want to give, and what do we want to get in our relationship?
For more immediately useable tips and tools for your relationship, visit relationship coach Jeff Herring's interactive website at SecretsofGreatRelationships.com
Author: Jeff Herring
Men Wake Up! A Good Woman is Man's Best Friend
Men overlook wise women all the time for the ditz. The reasons are endless from beauty to status, but whatever the reason, a wise woman will come out on top every time. For purposes of this writing, let's define wise as "having or showing wisdom, good sense, or good judgment, sensible, aware of what is going on, informed," according to the Webster's New Ideal Dictionary. So to be with a wise woman is essential for a young man striving to become a better man and an older man looking to make the remaining years of his life something special.
So why is it that men in the beginning of a relationship want the wise woman, but later on find her unattractive, boring, not what they had in mind, different, strange etc.? Could it be that the man overlooked beauty over brains? Maybe he still wanted to party and travel as a single man? Or he simply couldn't handle the challenge of thinking deeply, acting honestly, and being sensible? Not every man is ready for adult conversation and responsibilities. Some men as they grow older become weary of being the focused professional, able to handle challenges in a single bound. The superman title gets old for some. Just like women at certain times in their life just want to let their hair down and have a good time, there are men who want to do the same. But what's wrong with having it all with a wise woman who can be a help mate in fulfilling your dreams and aspirations?
I have personally talked with men over the years who are confused as to what it truly means to have a serious relationship with someone. Their take on a good relationship is similar to that of a high school crush. They expect to be in love forever--holding hands, kissing, and playing under the covers. However, they don't anticipate the stormy days when they aren't the likeable, funny guy that their mate fell in love with in the beginning. These clueless men's feelings become easily wounded when she objects to a silly joke, wants some space, or finds fault with them about something. They have associated a bad day or bad mood with a "throw the baby out with the bath water" type of relationship drama. Before you know it, they are holding grudges and looking for the next woman who they can feel those butterflies with. Yes, there are women who act the same way, but this article is not about them, it's about men who need to understand the importance of having a relationship with a wise woman and not a foolish one.
The men that I have talked to unfortunately didn't have a mother or a father around them who taught them what type of woman they needed that could be an asset to their lives. Instead, they were told to get involved with certain women for shallow reasons such as "she is pretty, she is older, and she has money..." But what they weren't told was that the woman who can complete them is the one who will be a beacon to their lives. Like a lighthouse, she will show you the way in a storm. When you have lost your job, succumbed to illness, witnessed a relative die, or fell into a depression, she will pick you up and usher you were you need to be in life.
So what are the character traits of a wise woman? She is kind, considerate, and respected by family and friends. She is a planner, organizer, and detailed oriented. She is an independent thinker and no longer needs her mother, father and other relatives to guide her life. She has stopped saying, "Well my mother said...grandma told me...daddy reminded me..." She has a faith and is spiritually gifted. She may possess any one or all of the spiritual gifts as defined in the Christian Bible. For those who do not understand her, she is looked upon as a know-it-all type. Wise women who have allowed compliments to go to their heads are not looked upon with favor by those closest to them, because they are not disciplined enough to know how to communicate with others in a loving manner. However, in the public, they are admired. These women also tend to be bossy, arrogant, and sometimes unforgiving. They use their intellect to cast revenge and anger on others purposely. "God told me to tell you...You are stupid...You are a fool...that's why you are going to hell!" These are the kind of things that wise women will say that make them look no better than a fool! They can be too wise in their own eyes at times and turn people completely off. "You should do this...why don't you say that...do this because I said so..." She is always talking, but never listening. Yet, a wise woman who is in control of her emotions, humble, and loves others is a person who can be cherished. She is saying, "I am here for you, if you need me."
A wise woman watches your back. She sees trouble coming from all angles even from your own family and friends. She may have never interacted or seen some of them, yet she knows that this person(s) is a potential problem or may threaten the household in some way. When your mother or other family members are being controlling and want to make you do what they want you to do when they want it, a wise woman will remind you about your current responsibilities and advise you to take a stand. For those of you who are married, you should already know this, and if you don't then here's your wake up call. A wise woman will tell you about that gut feeling she has about certain women at your workplace and although you maintain your innocence it doesn't mean that you won't slip up, so watch what you say and do. Wise women will also warn you when things in the house aren't working, the car needs a tune up, and the children are misbehaving. She isn't telling you these things to aggravate you, but she wants you as the man of the house to do your part. She knows she can't do everything and she doesn't want to take over unless pushed. And being pushed is never a good thing for anyone. You can defile your wise woman at home and turn her into a bossy nag who will make you wish you never laid eyes on her! However, if everyone does their part the household will run efficiently.
A wise woman will create a schedule on how the household should best operate. She will manage dates and times so that everyone knows what is ahead. She isn't trying to control your free time, but she wants to be sure of the following: there is time for the two of you, time for the children and time for the extended family and friends. She knows that if she doesn't make some time for all parties particularly the in-laws, she will be blamed and looked at by your family as someone who is keeping you away from everyone while henpecking you for her own benefit. She knows how people think and she wants to be sure that you and the family is always looked upon with favor.
Wise women are very good at saving money. She isn't interested in spending every dollar in the house for herself; rather, she knows that bills need to be paid, groceries, toiletries, and other household goods are needed. It makes sense to her to buy in bulk and save; rather than buy in singles and pay double. She is the master at seeing what the future holds. She knows that an emergency savings will be necessary, an education fund will need to be set up, holidays are coming, and so much more. So she spends hours researching, heads to the store with sales papers and coupons in tote looking for the best deals.
A gift that most wise women have is one of instinct also known as women's intuition. She may have tapped into it in the above examples when she came to you with a series of warnings and questions. Some of these wise women have dreams, visions, and unexplained feelings. They just know when something is wrong or when it is right. She may tell you suddenly to do something that you would have rather put off or stay away from something or someone, if you listen to her and do what she says at that time, you may benefit. She also knows when she is being lied to or betrayed, but she won't always say, because if she is one of faith, she knows that God will deal with you or those around her accordingly. It is better to avoid lying to a wise woman at all costs. The consequences aren't ever worth the price of putting your relationship with her at risk.
So before you do the following: write that smart woman off who may be interested in you, end your current relationship, or think the grass is greener on the other side, consider this, wise women are rare nowadays. There aren't many who come from stable homes with a mom, dad and siblings. There are few who aren't materialistic and even fewer who grew up amongst prayer warriors. If you are one of those men who have fallen out of love with your wise woman, then work real hard to fall back in love with her. Take some time out and remind yourself about the good ole days and do something special for her and yourself. A wise woman is a keeper.
For more articles by Nicholl McGuire, Click Here!
Six Reasons Why You and Your Fiance Shouldn't Be Getting Married Right Now
One. The Ex
You are still involved with a previous mate. When you find yourself still doing the following: helping them whenever they need you, going out to eat with them, visiting them at their home, speaking to them intimately over the phone, emailing them about your personal life and inviting them to check out your Internet web pages and even worse still being married, you are not ready.
Two. Past Memories
You often think of the "good ole' days." Some people enjoy the memories of their single life, so much in fact, that it depresses them to think that one day they will be married. Others can't get over reminiscing about the ex and reflecting on how things would have turned out had they done certain things in the relationship or had the ex did some things differently for them.
Three. Your Partner's Family
You don't get along with anyone on your mate's side of the family. They invite you to family events and you never want to attend for a variety of reasons. There are more than a select few in your partner's family who are critical of you to your face and behind your back. When you tell your mate about their behavior, he or she doesn't do anything about it.
When you and your partner make plans to do something together, he or she has to always include someone from his or her family. Your mate's family often call or drop by at strange hours of the night. When you tell your partner how this makes you feel, he or she defends their actions and argues with you about it.
Whenever your partner's family is in trouble he or she is always bailing them out. When you tell your partner how this makes you feel and how this affects items being bought for your own home, he or she finds excuses for why they feel what they did is the "right thing to do or "don't worry over it we will be blessed."
Four. Employment
You or your partner can't maintain a steady job. In addition, you may not be happy with your career and education. Without being at peace with those issues, you may not be satisfied with the money you make either. There are some people who can't seem to make up their mind where they would like to work and have a problem committing to any job.
Five. Children
You don't want a family, but your partner is open to the possibility. When your partner brings up this subject you may be the one who becomes emotional about it. Then again, he or she might be. If so, you definitely don't want to commit to them for the rest of your life if the two of you can't agree on this subject. If you know you can't afford it right now, don't get married to someone who thinks that you can at this time. Most of all, if you or your partner has unresolved issues with how your parents treated you, put off having children until you are at peace with your past.
Six. Bad Habits
You have bad habits you can't seem to quit. Partners who stay out all night and come home whenever they feel like it will not all of a sudden just stop their inconsiderate behavior just because you got married. If you or your partner makes plans to enjoy life without the other on a regular basis, why bother getting married?
Continuing to smoke, drink or do drugs when your partner has asked you to quit is definitely a sign you need to put off marriage.
Spending money you know you don't have on things you can't afford will cause future arguments, so don't get married until you have a budget that you can follow on a consistent basis.
You can prevent a future divorce if you don't ignore the signs that you see in the present. Marriage is just as so many have described, "Work." It can be enjoyable work or just a job, it's up to you to decide which you will choose. Build a foundation now that will last a lifetime for you and your partner by doing what you can to better yourself, before you get married!
Nicholl McGuire
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Dating or married to an angry woman?