Showing posts with label dating mistakes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating mistakes. Show all posts
8 Relationship Boundaries that are Often Compromised
There will be a time in a man or woman's life that he or she will meet someone and fall deeply in love losing all sense of self, purpose, and direction. Personal dreams will be put aside, goals will be undetermined, and life will carry on blissfully without a single care in the world for the sake of a relationship.
Then one day, the couple is hit with the reality of disagreements, insults, anger outbursts and illness; it is then that the barrage of incredible love and lust begins to take a downward turn. Now one is reflecting back on the mistakes he or she made early on in the relationship. "Is it too late to set boundaries? Is it too soon to end the relationship? Is my partner experiencing what I am feeling?"
The questions abound in one’s mind disappointed at how soon these rising feelings came crashing down. Doubts keep him or her up late at night sometimes wondering what went wrong? Here are some thoughts on what could have went wrong during those early days of lust and bliss.
One. You didn’t allow yourself enough time to get to know one another outside the bedroom. Why is it that couples always find themselves in the bed sooner than they would have liked? Maybe the word of advice should have been heeded, "Don’t begin dating when you are obviously in heat."
Two. You tried too hard to be something you weren’t, such as appearing to have common interests that you really didn’t have or putting yourself out there to be challenged later on what you said and did. People attempting to make a good impression on one another tend to exaggerate, lie, or mislead one another and sooner or later the truth catcjes up to them.
Three. You shared money and bought gifts with finances you did or didn’t have far too soon before you got to know the person. When this is done, the giver later becomes resentful of the receiver. The ever popular argument seems to come out of nowhere, "Look at all I've done for you?" No one put a gun to your head and told you to do those things. You let your guard down. Blame yourself, not your partner.
Four. You didn’t bother to ask questions about issues that may have been significant to you such as politics, religion, sexual past, employment history, childhood experiences, etc. You went along just to get along whe you should have said, "I'm not interested...I don't care for. Please don't expect me to support you on that."
Five. You avoided telling your partner how you really felt when it came to disagreements. "I would appreciate it if you don't call me names or act rudely when we debate. Handling me aggressively is a deal-breaker."
Six. You compromised in areas that you shouldn’t have such as drinking when maybe you rather not or fornicating when you know you shouldn’t. "Some things I just won't do because they go against my personal beliefs."
Seven. You ignored signs that maybe this was not the right time in your life to be dating. "I would rather be friends than lovers simply because this is just not a good time for me."
Eight. You chose to proceed in a new relationship without giving yourself enough time to get over the old and resolve past issues. "I just got out of a relationship with someone, so I really think it is best that we just be friends without benefits. I'm sure you don't want to deal with the emotional baggage I just might bring to the table, because the wounds are still fresh."
When you have may relationship problems now, you can always reflect on the past to find out how you went from there to here. However, simply knowing about the challenges, but doing nothing about them will not make your issues go away. If you want to maintain a relationship that is filled with problems, you and your partner must be willing to work on trying to come up with solutions.
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and other books.
Then one day, the couple is hit with the reality of disagreements, insults, anger outbursts and illness; it is then that the barrage of incredible love and lust begins to take a downward turn. Now one is reflecting back on the mistakes he or she made early on in the relationship. "Is it too late to set boundaries? Is it too soon to end the relationship? Is my partner experiencing what I am feeling?"
The questions abound in one’s mind disappointed at how soon these rising feelings came crashing down. Doubts keep him or her up late at night sometimes wondering what went wrong? Here are some thoughts on what could have went wrong during those early days of lust and bliss.
One. You didn’t allow yourself enough time to get to know one another outside the bedroom. Why is it that couples always find themselves in the bed sooner than they would have liked? Maybe the word of advice should have been heeded, "Don’t begin dating when you are obviously in heat."
Two. You tried too hard to be something you weren’t, such as appearing to have common interests that you really didn’t have or putting yourself out there to be challenged later on what you said and did. People attempting to make a good impression on one another tend to exaggerate, lie, or mislead one another and sooner or later the truth catcjes up to them.
Three. You shared money and bought gifts with finances you did or didn’t have far too soon before you got to know the person. When this is done, the giver later becomes resentful of the receiver. The ever popular argument seems to come out of nowhere, "Look at all I've done for you?" No one put a gun to your head and told you to do those things. You let your guard down. Blame yourself, not your partner.
Four. You didn’t bother to ask questions about issues that may have been significant to you such as politics, religion, sexual past, employment history, childhood experiences, etc. You went along just to get along whe you should have said, "I'm not interested...I don't care for. Please don't expect me to support you on that."
Five. You avoided telling your partner how you really felt when it came to disagreements. "I would appreciate it if you don't call me names or act rudely when we debate. Handling me aggressively is a deal-breaker."
Six. You compromised in areas that you shouldn’t have such as drinking when maybe you rather not or fornicating when you know you shouldn’t. "Some things I just won't do because they go against my personal beliefs."
Seven. You ignored signs that maybe this was not the right time in your life to be dating. "I would rather be friends than lovers simply because this is just not a good time for me."
Eight. You chose to proceed in a new relationship without giving yourself enough time to get over the old and resolve past issues. "I just got out of a relationship with someone, so I really think it is best that we just be friends without benefits. I'm sure you don't want to deal with the emotional baggage I just might bring to the table, because the wounds are still fresh."
When you have may relationship problems now, you can always reflect on the past to find out how you went from there to here. However, simply knowing about the challenges, but doing nothing about them will not make your issues go away. If you want to maintain a relationship that is filled with problems, you and your partner must be willing to work on trying to come up with solutions.
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and other books.
The Yes Date: We Have So Much in Common - NOT!
He said he liked what I liked and enjoyed this thing and that one whenever I mentioned them. He was too good to be true. Who was really driving this relationship, he or I? When a date is trying to impress you with far too many statements like, "I do that too...What a coincidence I was thinking the same thing...I like that too!" Look out, this person is trying real hard to stand out in the crowd. He or she wants you to like him or her just as much as you like that thing you are eating or that place you often visit.
I can't tell you how many men have acted, that's right, I said acted like they like my hobbies, what I eat, where I like to go, and even how I style my hair, just to get close to me. But as I learned more about these dates, I found that they were not interested in many things I liked. What's worse, when I called them out on things that they said during our first meetings, they would become visibly upset, "No, you are mistaken, I didn't say...I don't recall telling you I liked...I never said I didn't like, what I said was..." I'm not mistaken, stupid or a fool, I know what these dates said and their stories ended sooner rather than later with me too.
You have to watch these men and women who may not have dated in years, but are desperate to have a relationship with someone--anyone (tall, short, white, black, fat, skinny, wild or crazy) whether that is their preference or not. Then there are those fresh out of a break up types that don't realize they are just looking for a rebound guy or gal until the ex comes crawling back (at least that is what they hope). They pride themselves on trying to convince you that they are alright with you and whatever comes with you.
You may have dated a "Yes Date" in the past. He or she was that one that if you said, "I like" the Yes Date, like the Yes Man, would say, "Yes, I will go. Yes, I will do that. Yes, that's okay with me. Yes, I will try that." Then when you asked this person, "What did you think of...?" He or she would lie and say, "It was fine, nice...I enjoyed it." Yeah right, Liar! At first it feels good to know that after years of being with a "No" kind of man or woman, it is a breath of fresh air to finally get that, "Yes!" But remember, those exs use to be "Yes" people too until we found them out or they found us out.
When one starts dating that special someone, let this person know early on what you like and don't like about all sorts of things. The part about "don't like" will get lost between all the niceties, so it is your job to make what doesn't interest you relevant to your conversations with your dates. However, you don't want to shower them with too many "don't likes" especially when you haven't spent that much time together and if your "don't like" has nothing to do with the events at hand. You will just look like a complainer or negative person.
It is always better to be forthright about your interests, rather than worry over how someone might react to you saying, "I don't like that but I do prefer this..." If a person repeatedly judges, argues or teases you because you simply say, "No" to something or "...don't want..." something else, then that is one less person you need in your life! As I said in another blog entry, "Cut your losses early!"
Nicholl McGuire
I can't tell you how many men have acted, that's right, I said acted like they like my hobbies, what I eat, where I like to go, and even how I style my hair, just to get close to me. But as I learned more about these dates, I found that they were not interested in many things I liked. What's worse, when I called them out on things that they said during our first meetings, they would become visibly upset, "No, you are mistaken, I didn't say...I don't recall telling you I liked...I never said I didn't like, what I said was..." I'm not mistaken, stupid or a fool, I know what these dates said and their stories ended sooner rather than later with me too.
You have to watch these men and women who may not have dated in years, but are desperate to have a relationship with someone--anyone (tall, short, white, black, fat, skinny, wild or crazy) whether that is their preference or not. Then there are those fresh out of a break up types that don't realize they are just looking for a rebound guy or gal until the ex comes crawling back (at least that is what they hope). They pride themselves on trying to convince you that they are alright with you and whatever comes with you. You may have dated a "Yes Date" in the past. He or she was that one that if you said, "I like" the Yes Date, like the Yes Man, would say, "Yes, I will go. Yes, I will do that. Yes, that's okay with me. Yes, I will try that." Then when you asked this person, "What did you think of...?" He or she would lie and say, "It was fine, nice...I enjoyed it." Yeah right, Liar! At first it feels good to know that after years of being with a "No" kind of man or woman, it is a breath of fresh air to finally get that, "Yes!" But remember, those exs use to be "Yes" people too until we found them out or they found us out.
When one starts dating that special someone, let this person know early on what you like and don't like about all sorts of things. The part about "don't like" will get lost between all the niceties, so it is your job to make what doesn't interest you relevant to your conversations with your dates. However, you don't want to shower them with too many "don't likes" especially when you haven't spent that much time together and if your "don't like" has nothing to do with the events at hand. You will just look like a complainer or negative person.
It is always better to be forthright about your interests, rather than worry over how someone might react to you saying, "I don't like that but I do prefer this..." If a person repeatedly judges, argues or teases you because you simply say, "No" to something or "...don't want..." something else, then that is one less person you need in your life! As I said in another blog entry, "Cut your losses early!"
Learn More About Your Date Without Jumping Into Bed
If you made the mistake once, you most likely made it more times than you can count, take a date home with you only to have sex and then afterward ask yourself, "Do I really know her/him?"
It is such a let down when you find out you really don't have too much in common with your date after far too many episodes of sexing it up then meeting parents, moving in together, a possible proposal, a pregnancy, and more. You feel like running away, ending it all because, "I should have...I could have...I wish I had..." a little too late when mistakes are already made, some you just have to live with. But how does one minimize the regrets in a new relationship?
One. Keep dates out of your apartment/home for as long as you can.
The day you opened that door and let her/him "to stay awhile" is the day that you said, "Let's have sex." Whether you verbalized it or not at some point he or she is going to expect some action in your bedroom. Remind yourself, "I don't really know my date well enough to share a glass of water much less a bed together!"
Two. Don't plan an intimate vacation together that includes a hotel room.
At some point in the relationship one or both of you will want to go somewhere out of town, but is it necessary to room together? Why awaken something between you two that has yet to fully develop? Are you seriously considering a committed relationship with this person? What if she becomes pregnant? What if he has an incurable STD? Think before you sleep!
Three. Value time alone.
Spending time alone helps you think about many things as it relates to your date. You can prepare questions, conduct research, talk to others about this person, and plan for fun things to do that don't involve a bed.
Here are some things you can do that will not only be interesting, but will help you determine whether your date is compatible with you.
Let's say you like sporting events, then offer to take your date to a game, but watch her/his reaction and then use the opportunity to find out if he/she is a couch potato, beer drinking, loud mouth who doesn't miss a game. With that information, you will know what most weekends will look like when the newness of the relationship wears off.
Invite this person to a crowded venue. Use the people atmosphere as a test to see how he or she handles being around others. Does it irritate him or her that there is so much activity happening around you both? Does he or she act strange around crowds? When you see the behavior is odd maybe this person might not do well when you invite him or her to your professional events.
Consider taking a class together. This is a good way to know whether or not your date is sincerely open to learning new things. If he or she complains a lot, acts impatient, and often tells you, "I don't like..." then find out what he or she likes and suggest you two take a class together in that too on a later date. Then compare how he or she behaves between the two classes. This will also help you find out more about him or her in an environment he or she enjoys and whether or not you could tolerate your date's interest in a committed, long term relationship.
Bring your date to a family event. Can your date do well amongst curious, bold talking relatives who only want to protect you?
From the grocery store to the library, there are many places you could go together to learn more about one another's interests. When you look beyond the bedroom, you just might discover things about your date you would have most likely overlooked had you been intimate. Pay attention to his or her facial expressions when interacting with others. Notice how he or she dresses and smells when going out with you. Mix up settings so you get a good idea how he or she dresses for each. Test this person who might one day be your wife or husband. Ask a controversial question, make a bold statement about one's views, and question immoral decision-making.
When one is considering someone to be in their lives in the most intimate way, he or she needs to know what is a date bringing or not bringing to the table. Establish your boundaries early. Don't give into tempting situations just because your date says, "It's okay...I like you...I love you...you are the best date I ever had...I want to marry you...I will give you money to help you with your problem...I care." All of these statements are nothing more than lures when one chooses to ignore your boundaries so that he or she can get sex. Remind this person of your boundaries and mean what you say. If he or she respects your wishes, then who knows, your date might be a keeper!
Nicholl McGuire
Read more of her work at http://tipsdatingoldermen.blogspot.com
)
It is such a let down when you find out you really don't have too much in common with your date after far too many episodes of sexing it up then meeting parents, moving in together, a possible proposal, a pregnancy, and more. You feel like running away, ending it all because, "I should have...I could have...I wish I had..." a little too late when mistakes are already made, some you just have to live with. But how does one minimize the regrets in a new relationship?
One. Keep dates out of your apartment/home for as long as you can.
The day you opened that door and let her/him "to stay awhile" is the day that you said, "Let's have sex." Whether you verbalized it or not at some point he or she is going to expect some action in your bedroom. Remind yourself, "I don't really know my date well enough to share a glass of water much less a bed together!"
Two. Don't plan an intimate vacation together that includes a hotel room.
At some point in the relationship one or both of you will want to go somewhere out of town, but is it necessary to room together? Why awaken something between you two that has yet to fully develop? Are you seriously considering a committed relationship with this person? What if she becomes pregnant? What if he has an incurable STD? Think before you sleep!
Three. Value time alone.
Spending time alone helps you think about many things as it relates to your date. You can prepare questions, conduct research, talk to others about this person, and plan for fun things to do that don't involve a bed.
Here are some things you can do that will not only be interesting, but will help you determine whether your date is compatible with you.
Let's say you like sporting events, then offer to take your date to a game, but watch her/his reaction and then use the opportunity to find out if he/she is a couch potato, beer drinking, loud mouth who doesn't miss a game. With that information, you will know what most weekends will look like when the newness of the relationship wears off.
Invite this person to a crowded venue. Use the people atmosphere as a test to see how he or she handles being around others. Does it irritate him or her that there is so much activity happening around you both? Does he or she act strange around crowds? When you see the behavior is odd maybe this person might not do well when you invite him or her to your professional events.
Consider taking a class together. This is a good way to know whether or not your date is sincerely open to learning new things. If he or she complains a lot, acts impatient, and often tells you, "I don't like..." then find out what he or she likes and suggest you two take a class together in that too on a later date. Then compare how he or she behaves between the two classes. This will also help you find out more about him or her in an environment he or she enjoys and whether or not you could tolerate your date's interest in a committed, long term relationship.
Bring your date to a family event. Can your date do well amongst curious, bold talking relatives who only want to protect you?
From the grocery store to the library, there are many places you could go together to learn more about one another's interests. When you look beyond the bedroom, you just might discover things about your date you would have most likely overlooked had you been intimate. Pay attention to his or her facial expressions when interacting with others. Notice how he or she dresses and smells when going out with you. Mix up settings so you get a good idea how he or she dresses for each. Test this person who might one day be your wife or husband. Ask a controversial question, make a bold statement about one's views, and question immoral decision-making.
When one is considering someone to be in their lives in the most intimate way, he or she needs to know what is a date bringing or not bringing to the table. Establish your boundaries early. Don't give into tempting situations just because your date says, "It's okay...I like you...I love you...you are the best date I ever had...I want to marry you...I will give you money to help you with your problem...I care." All of these statements are nothing more than lures when one chooses to ignore your boundaries so that he or she can get sex. Remind this person of your boundaries and mean what you say. If he or she respects your wishes, then who knows, your date might be a keeper!
Nicholl McGuire
Read more of her work at http://tipsdatingoldermen.blogspot.com
)
Dating Tips - Do You Make These Classic Dating Mistakes?
Sometimes, an otherwise pleasurable date can seem to go awry for no apparent reason. Here are the minor slip-ups and mistakes which could be holding you back from dating success.
Looking over your date’s shoulder
Is there something fascinating going on immediately behind your date? Perhaps a waiter slipped dramatically on a banana-skin, or George Clooney is sitting opposite Cameron Diaz and they are both wearing elaborate hats. Let it go. Looking over your date’s shoulder will come across as rude, and the person you are dating will feel offended and think you are not interested in them.
Talking about the ex
Imagine you move into a new house and discover it’s still full of the previous resident’s belongings – a bit of a disappointment and a lot of hard work ahead trying to deal with all that old baggage. This is similar to the feeling a person will get when dating someone who is still preoccupied with thoughts of their ex. Discussions about exes should be kept between friends, your dating partner really doesn’t need to know.
Dirty fingernails
When dating someone new, it’s important to be spotlessly clean. Dirty fingernails would not matter so much among friends or in a long-term relationship, but on a first date they are off-putting as they imply generally poor hygiene and are not very nice to look at over dinner. As with most dating tips, context is important - if your first date happens to be an afternoon of strawberry-picking, dirty fingernails will be less of an issue!
Not listening
Dating can be nerve-wracking, and it often seems like the most important thing is to keep the conversation going and avoid awkward silences, whatever the cost. But trying to come up with something new and brilliant to say while your date is talking is a big mistake. On their side, realising the person they are dating hasn’t really listened to a word they’ve said will be frustrating. Instead, listen carefully to what your date says and make considered responses.
Fiddling
Again a common response to nervousness, constant fiddling or shifting about in your seat will make you appear distracted and restless, which is not a good look when dating. It can be helpful to put your hands on your lap or clasp them together to reduce the urge to fiddle, leaving your date to concentrate on more important things, like what you are saying.
Talking about work
It’s always interesting to know what someone does for a living. However, most jobs are filled with industry-specific jargon and information which is so niche that it doesn’t mean anything to someone outside of the particular area of work. You might have spent all day compiling the ‘WENUS’ (Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems), but your dating partner will probably never have heard of such a thing, and the whole subject will be lost on them. Be very wary about talking too much about your job, and try to keep the discussion to areas you both have experience in.
by Emily Heartmatch.com is the UK’s biggest dating site. With thousands of new members joining everyday you won’t have a better chance of finding love online anywhere else.
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