Monday

Future Relationship Challenges Revealed During the Courtship

You can predict what a future will be like with the person you are dating simply by listening to what he or she says about personal interests, family relations, work partnerships, eating habits, and more!

Most dates will not tell of their weaknesses, you have to figure those out for yourself.  However, there is a lot said in a joke, a quick retort, a roll of the eyes, or a deep sigh when you bring up sensitive subject matter. 

The problem with many individuals who date is that they fear bringing up controversial issues because they think the person will no longer want to go out with them.  Being "the trouble-maker" so to speak is actually a good thing, because you can cut your losses early if the date doesn't pass your tests.  Remember, you are considering a future with someone who might be possibly impact the rest of your life!

Think of the many couples that started off happy, but are now miserable around you.  Consider the many individuals who rush to get married only to fantasize about getting a divorce with every dispute that arises between the two.

Study your date like you do a textbook.  What are some signs that simply say, "The future just won't be too bright with this one!"

1.  "I am a big fan of...I  love watching sporting events, reality shows...just about everything there is to watch on TV!"  You know that if you aren't a big fan of the television, you most likely will run into issues in the future with him about it.  For instance, the house needs to be cleaned, babies need to be fed, and errands need to be ran, and the TV lover prefers to sit on his behind all day!

2.  "I love my family!  We are so close.  I wouldn't even think about moving to another state!"  This is a definite deal breaker for the one who loves traveling, doesn't mind relocating and isn't that close to his family.  Also, keep in mind, people who have close knit family ties will get parental input on just about every matter in their lives.  Independent, free thinking, "I couldn't care less about family" types might want to keep away.

3.  "I have many female friends and we all get along.  I help them out."  When a guy says this most likely someone or a group have seen him naked and feelings still exist between the two, three, or four more.  If you have a problem with a man having female friends, he isn't going to get rid of them because of you; rather he will keep his female connections a secret or won't mention them until you see a name or two pop up on his cell phone or see photographs on his computer.

4.  "I have a lot of guy friends, we hang out...we are the best of buddies."  When a woman says this she may not have had sex with any of them, but if you screw up, one just might be in her future.  If you are a man who can't stomach the fact that your girl has a lot of guy friends, you will have arguments about them in the future especially if she parties with them!

5.  "I was in jail..." Use discretion as advised depending on the offense and how long he or she had been in will determine whether service in jail will impact your courtship/relationship.  Unfortunately, there are those individuals who may have went in the jail straight, but came out a different way along with a disease or two.

6.  "I had been sick in the past, missed work, my partner broke up with me..."  Some people don't come out and say that illness is sometimes associated with recurrent sexually transmitted diseases and relationship break up.  A incurable disease will affect your future especially when you can't have sex because the person has a long outbreak.

7.  "I don't have friends."  Now why might that be?  What are the chances that this person might do or say something that will end your friendship too.  Be cautious of people who have no contacts outside of yourself.

When you hear statements like these, think twice about being the Good Samaritan who wants to save the troubled guy or gal.  You don't know what all is connected to this person that caused them to have so much hardship in life, have a strong connection to family and church, have a history of breakups including divorces, or why they can't keep a job for long.  Think about all of these things before you commit to them physically, mentally and spiritually.

Nicholl McGuire author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

Sunday

Relationship Blues: Dating Issues, Couple Challenges will Come

From forgetting to do something that a partner was expecting you would get done to disciplining  children who tend to cause more problems than solutions depending on the season, relationship conflict will happen.  More money, more children, more things, more family, more friends, more activities, more work hours, more of anything, and one day a lover, who didn't normally have an issue with one's partner, will!  Less truly is best if it is an interference in your relating to one another in a positive way! 

Being in an intimate relationship will not always be "nice, understanding, better than those other people, or anything else," you thought it might be.  Selecting a mate can be like buying a car, chances are you're dating, engaged or married to a lemon, someone's reject from yesteryear--a real problem!  Sounds harsh?  Well, it's true.  Why do so many singles deceive themselves into thinking that every new face will always be The One--the answer to one's problems?  A new romance will have its share of new challenges, the ones you see and the ones you don't. 

Jimmy cheated on his last girlfriend for many reasons and it wasn't just because he had an itch in his pants.  Tina was rejected by boyfriend after boyfriend because of something she did, but she won't say.  Bob can't seem to keep a girlfriend, a wife or even a female friend because of one thing or another.  Jimmy, Tina, and Bob may tell family and friends, "I am no longer with XYZ because..." and their reasons might sound heart-wrenching, but the truth is there was a lot more going on than their telling.  So along comes their new love interests and they don't have a clue what mess they are inheriting.  You see this mere example, just might be a wake-up call for some who have come to a point in a relationship where you are tired of "trying to make it work."  Keep reading.

Think twice before talking negatively yet again about a lover's ex or exes, use caution when siding with "Honey," and don't be so quick to defend one's lover in a quarrel with someone else just because he or she made you feel good last night.  At times, relationship blues shows up because people either see far too much or far too little of one another.  Then when they are in the presence of one another communication lacks substance, people aren't honest with feelings, and priority issues end up being placed on the back-burner because the troubled lover doesn't feel like bringing up the truth for fear it will cause an argument.  In time, resentment and bitterness begins to grow along with a cold heart and before long, a mate is hoping, wishing and praying to rid his or herself of all the drama!

When you find yourself almost obsessing over getting away from someone and out of a commitment to him or her, it's time to move on!  But if you know that the issues are new and haven't been around that long, you might want to stick it out if they don't involve physical violence, cheating and other very serious issues.  Relationship blues is typically a temporary thing, like a partner having a PMS moment, it comes and goes.  Take a break from one another, direct your attention to something that is healthy and beneficial to you, and when it's time, come together being positive and forgiving.  Tell yourself, "This too shall pass." (taken from the Holy Scriptures) then work on you!


Nicholl McGuire author of Laboring to Love Myself, see YouTube channel: nmenterprise7 

Friday

Multiple Personality Disorders from a Spiritual Perspective...Learn more.



The last thing you think about when you are dating is meeting someone with a personality disorder.  Beware.  If you know you don't have the patience to deal with someone's "issues", get out while you can.  Avoid the temptation to save the damsel in distress or the poor, lonely guy.

Monday

Saying "I Love You" on the Internet to Strangers

What is it about the Internet that makes Internet surfers say things like, "I love you" without knowing, better yet, even meeting the one reading the note on the other end?  He or she may have sent email back and forth for awhile and even promised to meet a love interest in person, but is such a relationship truly about love or is it more a lust for adventure?  One whose life is routine, mundane and in need of a spark is tempted by the world wide web of possibilities even if they really don't love him or her.

There is something exciting about getting to know someone in a way that is still very new to our society still.  You may have seen romantic movies in the past that made Internet love look and feel so romantic.  But is it really?  Let's face it, when you really think about it, it is quite strange, even a little scary, to frequently chat with a stranger online only to allow one's emotions to get the best of him or her, and before long sit in the presence of the stranger only to realize you really don't know that guy or gal on the picture you used as wall paper for your computer screen.

"I love you..." sure.  Some people use this phrase to get a person to pay more attention to them online.  The chatting keeps going, some will even continue to send money and gifts to the stranger, while making plans to meet yet again.  "I think you are great...I really love your smile...You are special...I hope to make you my wife/my husband one day xoxoxo"  These phrases look good on your computer screen don't they?  But do you really know whether the one writing them really is into you as much as he or she claims.

People allow an invention that is quick with information and used to help many escape reality to guide them in their personal lives.  They treat their relationships like they do the Internet, input information and expect results.  Buy a product, expect it to be shipped.  Tell someone you love them, and expect him or her to show up one's doorstep ready to please.   There is just far too much expected from the Internet, but where does one draw the line?

As much as it is tempting to spill one's guts online, keep some things to yourself until you meet a loved one or friend in person.  Quality relationships will always be in need of those special moments where you can sit comfortably next to the person and truly tell him or her how you feel--something that the Internet can never give you!

Nicholl McGuire

Wednesday

How Much Do You Weigh? And Other Questions You Shouldn't Ask Your Date So Soon

Some people are always getting caught with their foot in their mouth on the first few dates.  Why bother dating, if one feels like he or she should say whatever is on his or her mind.  It isn't any wonder why some people remain single.  Know when to talk and also when to shut up!  Maybe just maybe some will stay committed long enough to get married.

How much do you weigh? 

Does it even matter?  The date might be planning to lift you up one day or buy you clothes or maybe he or she is letting you know in a nice guy way, "You are too fat or too skinny for me, not interested." Who knows?

What is your faith? 

Then the date follows up with a question that goes something like this, "So why do 'fill in the blank' act like that...do you visit...?  My mom (dad or whoever) use to be..."  Should I care?  Meanwhile, the person has no plans of supporting one's faith much less anything religious unless one has vested interest in the person.

Why are you eating that, I don't eat it, ugh!?

So the date doesn't eat it, does he or she have to reinforce how disgusting one's food choice is with the tone of voice and turned up face?

Wow, so you got that from your parents?  Where do your parents work?

Why does one want to know?  It isn't like they are going to help you, do I even know you that well, yet?

So how did you get that mark on your face, on your arm...?

I would have told you, but I am still steaming about your turned up face while I was eating my food.

How much money do you make?

I don't recall saying that we were moving in together.

Why did you dye your hair that color?

Because it hides my grays better than yours, next question.

I think you get the point, just watch what you ask of your date.  Not everyone takes what may appear like innocent questions so lightly.

Nicholl McGuire

Wednesday

Make Your Partner Feel Secure in the Relationship


She rolls her eyes, takes a deep sigh, acts irritated every time her partner speaks to anyone female including his own mother, what’s wrong with her? A boyfriend seated near his girlfriend overhears her talking and laughing on the phone with the father of her children, he breathes heavily and murmurs something about, “getting off the phone.” Two examples of insecure partners in relationships, but why?

Lack of communication and understanding.

You can talk until your blue in the face about your love for a mate, why you only want to be with him or her and so on, but are your actions sincerely demonstrating what you say? Maybe you haven’t communicated as well as you think to your insecure, and at times, jealous partner. Does he or she really know how much you love him or her or does the subject only come up when he or she notices that your attention is on someone else other than him or her? What about affection, sex, being helpful, and other factors in the relationship? Are issues being addressed and changes made? A mate needs to understand what part he or she plays in one’s life. Roles must be clearly established. You want your partner to feel as if he or she is really in your world and not of it.

No established boundaries that make a mate feel comfortable.

When it comes to the opposite sex, do you have boundaries that will not be crossed or does anything go? From a hug to a gentle kiss on the lips, is that okay with you and your mate? Most likely, it isn’t even if he or she says that “It’s cool.” Be sure that relatives and friends know how far to go with you. There are many people who do strange things with others in and outside of the relationship, family or not. If your partner is showing signs that he or she is no longer on board with the way you do things, respect his or her wishes if you want peace; otherwise, end the relationship.

An attraction for an ex.

New partners aren’t all blind to love. Some can see a mile away when his or her “Baby, Sweetie, Honey” is liking another man or woman, has an intimate history, or the person is very interested in having a future relationship. Don’t try to convince your mate that what he or she is seeing is “okay, alright, nothing to worry about” when you know deep inside there is more to meets the eye. Make every effort to create distance from those who would love to have more with you than friendship.

If you take up some time with your mate, show you really care, and are doing the best you can to ensure a quality relationship, some of the insecurity and jealousy just might die down. However, if you continue to do questionable things such as: hide mail, click off a computer screen when your partner comes into a room, stop talking when your mate sees you with the opposite sex, react negatively every time your partner embraces you publicly, and other similar things then expect issues and lots of them depending on whether you have previously violated trust. Some ways that you can make your mate feel more secure are: share positive messages, return phone calls as soon as possible, avoid the exes unless you have children, if so, limit your phone conversation and try not to do too much laughing and smiling when he or she is around, don’t lie when you can speak truth, and above everything else, if you have a faith, use it! Pray for your partner.

Nicholl McGuire also contributes and maintains another relationship blog: http://tipsdatingoldermen.blogspot.com
 

Saturday

Are You Able to Withstand a Challenging Relationship?

It seems, many obstacles come up after one decides to commit to a relationship for better or for worse.  Exes call, arguments increase, job losses, unanticipated pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, toxic relatives and friends--you name it, trouble seems to come out of nowhere!  But can you deal with all that comes with you and someone who claims to love you?  When is enough, enough!?
  • When you are exploding on everyone, but the one who is causing you the most issues.
  • When relatives and friends are warning you almost daily to stop being with the person you are with and start planning an exit.
  • When there is a firestorm of concerns and complaints coming from strangers who can't get to your partner, but they can get to you.
  • When you can't seem to go on and feel like you are going to jump a bridge.
  • When your world is falling a part.  For instance, bills aren't getting paid, an increase in personal health issues, and the needs of yourself or loved ones aren't getting met.
  • When you know you can't take one more hit, slap, choke, kick, threat, or curse word coming from the lips who claim, "I love you."  When do you stop believing that?
There are no rewards given to people who have been together for many years, not even from God, he treats everyone the same when it comes to marriage--no matter how much you claim favor.  If you were uneually yoked, when you started out and there was no spiritual change in days, week, months, and even years, you are still unequally yoked as you grow older. 

Your lengthy relationship or marriage might get the occasional, "Congratulations..." but couples who have been together for awhile, know that relationship challenges don't go away just because you have been together for what seems like forever and it doesn't mean that one is sincerely happy with the other either. 

For those of you who are seriously in need of a prayer, prenup, separation, or divorce, rather than wish for a miserable relationship to end through mayhem, death or something else, find the time to reflect, manage what you can in the relationship, and if need be, take necessary action to remove yourself from it without talking yourself into staying until you can think more rationally.  It is never wise to stay in a relationship that is causing you much pain. 

God bless.

Nicholl McGuire

Tuesday

How to Remain Dedicated to a Sexual Fast

 
People have their reasons as to why they need to stop having sex for a certain time period. Health issues, relationship challenges, work/education focus, children, and more are reasons as to why some people just need to take time out from having sex.

One. Abstain from watching music videos, movies, television shows, and other media that discusses, shows or encourages sexual activity.

When you are being inundated with media that has sexual content, you will begin to desire to have sex from viewing sexual advertising to watching music videos. With problems mounting in one’s life, it can be very frustrating trying to stay dedicated to a sexual fast. Don’t entice your self or others with sexual images.

Two. Avoid dating and/or being along with someone you are romantically attracted to.

The more time you spend with someone who isn’t interested in having sex or vice versa, the more tension increases. Premature sex only causes more problems. Stick to the plan, if you can’t have sex for some reason, you just can’t have sex, find something else to do to occupy your time with your friend in a setting that isn’t so private.

Three. Don’t stare or make eye contact with someone who is revealing one’s sexual anatomy whether discreetly or boldly.

The more you look, the more you will want to touch. So it’s just best to look away and find other images that aren’t sexy, like looking at a church building, the Holy Bible and pointing your eyes on the cross while praying, “God give me the strength…keep me from temptation.”

Four. When tempted to react to sexual advances, remove yourself from the situation, or politely ask the person to cover-up or leave your presence.

You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. But when you find yourself making excuses to do something you know you shouldn’t at this time, leave the situation. Don’t keep contacting the one who is tempting you and don’t be a distraction to the one who just can’t have sex right now.

Five. Don’t encourage sexual activity with flirting.

It can be so fun to flirt, but it can also cause unnecessary drama especially when you are in a relationship with someone else. There are plenty of ways to be nice to people without complimenting the way they look, using a sexy voice, winking, holding their hand, staring, or hugging them real tight. Keep yourself out of trouble!

Six. Watch how you dress.

There are just some people who refuse to admit that their attire is nothing more than a magnet to charm a man or woman into the bed. But appearance can be used to entrap an unavailable man or woman. Before anything gets started between two attractive people, they pretty much know what they want just by what they see. So if you are on a sexual fast, then dress like it!

Seven. Avoid joking or ridiculing others about sex.

The jokes, sex stories, and other comments related to sex can cause you to think things or feel in ways you shouldn’t. Change the topic when you notice someone who is spending time talking to you about another person’s appearance, thoughts, actions etc. or cut the conversation short. Being on a sexual fast is abstaining from all forms of sex including conversation.

Note how you feel while on your sexual fast. Think about the status of your present relationship with someone and whether or not you are happy with the way things are. Find it in your heart to forgive the person who you once were sexually active with without going back to the way things use to be. Think about what you need to do to feel better about sexual activity in the future with your potential marriage partner. If you can’t see yourself being committed to this person, then you definitely want to refrain from having any future sex with him or her.

Make a doctor’s appointment, to be sure you are disease free while you are on your sexual fast. If you do have an illness, focus on treatment rather than having sex in the future. Most likely, there are some challenging things going on in or around your relationship that is causing stress on your mind, body and spirit. If you are not ill, protect yourself from an unwanted pregnancy and illness by looking at all that is positive about not having sex, rather than wishing to have sex. Don’t discuss your sexual fast with anyone who can’t pray or encourage you to stay focused; however you will have to discuss with your sexual partner so that he or she doesn‘t think you are cheating. There are many people who would love to do something like this, but are fearful, nervous, and are enslaved to their flesh; therefore, they can’t come up higher spiritually. When possible, keep your sexual fast between you and your God. Don’t feel like you need to defend your actions if someone should realize what you are doing.

May you experience focus, wisdom, and peace in your mind, body and spirit while you embark on a new journey in your life!

Note:  Get ideas on things you can do to avoid sex for awhile here.

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual enlightment based on real life experiences and provides personal advice at http://www.youtube.com/nmenterprise7.

Don't have a study bible? Get one...Study with Nicholl http://bit.ly/J0wyop

Nicholl is the author of the following books:

Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic https://www.createspace.com/3437273
When Mothers Cry https://www.createspace.com/3393499
Laboring to Love Myself https://www.createspace.com/3401526
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate https://www.createspace.com/3332346
Floral Beauty on a Dead End Street http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/904839
Spiritual Poems By Nicholl http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/3113926

Wednesday

When a Woman Cheats

Cheating on anyone or anything is wrong. Most of us learned very young that to go behind a friend’s back and wrong that person might cause a fight or worse one might lose a potential friend. But just because people know things, doesn’t mean that they will always adhere to a certain code of honor. Such is the case with a woman scorned. One who is unwilling to compromise any further in a miserable relationship will be tempted to cheat. However, before some cheating partners make their exit (or get booted), they have to go out with a bang of sorts usually finding someone they feel more compatible with, possibly better looking than their current mate, while still receiving sex, money, and other things from their present partner. Some things women do that lead up to cheating could have been prevented had their mates picked up on the signs.

1. She often thinks and communicates her concerns about the relationship.

A woman who is on that path toward cheating on her man is going to talk to him, relatives, and friends about what bothers her. If her intimate partner is too busy, emotionally wounded or has other issues, and doesn’t recognize or acknowledge his negative contribution to their relationship woes, then she is going to start contemplating whether the grass is indeed greener on the other side.

One of the worse things a man who still loves his partner can do is to start taking back every nice thing he has ever said or done especially during an angry fit. A woman who reasons that “cheating is okay because he is probably doing it too” will replay every wrong thing her man has ever done to validate her accusation even if it proves to be untrue. Those that usually have some idea that something is going on with the woman and doesn’t see her mate in a good light usually will withdraw or ignore her man because they don’t want to get involved in her relationship dramas. Some will enable the woman because they too are in unhappy relationships. When the woman attempts to discuss her woes with her mate, typically a man busy with work and other responsibilities, cheating, or doing other things that cause him to pay less attention to his partner will not view her needs as important. Therefore, he misses the clues that his mate his thinking about stepping out on him.

2. She becomes more particular about her appearance.

When a man doesn’t bother to express his appreciation for his woman and overlooks the things she does to improve self, she will feel slighted. As a result, she will have just one more reason to want to cheat on him.

If the way she looks wasn’t important in the past, it most likely will be when a new man comes into her life. Now one can’t assume that a woman alters her appearance for a man if there is no proof. But if her partner isn’t complimenting her and others are, watch how she reacts and pay close attention to a certain man’s name that keeps popping up in conversation.

3. She is no longer interested in spending as much time with partner and family.

When opportunities come to vacation with family, visit with relatives, and others, she is often declining invites, not staying home, but out and about. Her mate has no idea where she might be. She is often texting, emailing, or calling someone out of view. A partner might notice that his cheating mate is often bored, argumentative or short with the family and leaves the family home without saying much.

 

4. She finds the time to do the things she wants while often forgetting or ignoring the needs of her family.

How many times is she going to forget picking up the children from grandma’s house? When does she plan on sitting down and talking with her mate or even having sex with him? Why is she talking so much about her male friend/co-worker and can remember what he likes and what time he needs for her to be somewhere? Why is she always late coming home? When you put everything together, don’t just pick out one or two things to ponder, consider patterns.

5. If she is spiritual, she begins to stray away from God and things related to Him.

Pray for your partner if you have a faith. It is obvious that she is no longer respecting the Holy teachings, and isn’t interested in spiritual things like she did at one time when she use to go to church but stopped going. Sometimes cheaters will go to church more and stay home less. Could it be guilt or is the one she is cheating with at the church? This is why husbands should be going to churches and other spiritual events with their partners. The temptation can be greater in the House of God then anywhere else!

6. She often finds fault with her man.

From how he looks to what he says, it appears that every time her partner says or does something she becomes visibly irritated with him. Sometimes she complains to others about him in such a way that it sounds like she is ready to leave him. She may not have found someone yet or slept with a love interest, but she is preparing herself for the future.

7. She may realize that her lover(s) are not what she really wants and proceeds to stop seeing or talking to them.

When all else fails, she might stop going out with them, conversing over the phone or Internet with them, and doing other things. But most women once they start cheating, need some good reasons to want to stay in a relationship that is unsatisfying, most likely someone or something has changed for her to want to continue being with her partner.

A disgruntled wife or girlfriend who has repeatedly shared her concerns with her partner about things that are bothering her, will look the other way. Some women will cheat with minds and eventually bodies, while others might play with the idea of being with anyone but with their current mate. Women are similar to men when they aren’t happy at home, they will be tempted to go elsewhere.

 

Nicholl McGuire author of When Mothers Cry

Saturday

Right Now is Right Back: Premature Relationship Endings

When you are ready to leave a relationship, you will not hesitate to make plans. You will pack your items, make an announcement to all that you have ended it with your partner and then proceed to live your life without that person. But people who are not ready to leave their partnerships will take their time about ending them. They will continue to romance one another, give gifts, have sex, talk intimately, and do other things that remind one another and the world, “We are together.” Now there are those couples who may say and do some things that tell witnesses, “This relationship is coming to an end.” But the keyword is “coming,” it isn’t over yet. Therefore, anyone who may think that one or both are ready to live a single life and date others might be easily misled. This is why those who want to play “the other woman” or “other man” role become bitter, angry, and confused. They assume that what their lovers are telling them is factual and accurately reflects true feelings, but unfortunately this couldn’t be further from the truth! Couples who have been together for years, need some time to break free from one another.

One who prematurely leaves any relationship without resolving in his or her mind that, “This is it. I am not going back…” will be back! Most likely, he or she will assist the partner, have sex, and be a friend to that person until the next argument. When one leaves a relationship before mind and body are both in agreement, he or she will find memories begin to flood his or her mind, a desire to work on the relationship will start to take over, jealous emotions will arise when the opposite sex gets too close to the ex and a whole host of other issues will manifest.

Leaving a relationship prematurely right now, means “I will be right back.” But a gradual process to end a love affair will often lead to a permanent break up—there is simply no going back. Consider the following:

1. The break up must begin in one’s mind first.

2. Cease physical contact.

3. Personal conversations should lessen between one another.

Before long, thoughts of how much one dislikes the former mate and the things he or she did in the relationship will increase which makes it easier to disconnect. If you are not officially broken up just yet, don’t make any steps toward leaving your soon-to-be ex until you are sure. If you do this, you will be less likely to come back to him or her. 

Nicholl is the author of the following books:
Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic https://www.createspace.com/3437273
When Mothers Cry https://www.createspace.com/3393499
Laboring to Love Myself https://www.createspace.com/3401526
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate https://www.createspace.com/3332346
Floral Beauty on a Dead End Street http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/904839
Spiritual Poems By Nicholl http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/3113926 




Thursday

How Do You Tell Your Date/Partner What You Don't Like About Them?

Any criticism that brings out one's flaws is not going to be well-received no matter how nice you state what is bothering you.  Sure, he or she will smile and say, "Thanks for telling me," but if this person is the sensitive type, vindictive, typically rude, or thinks more highly of his or her self than he or she ought, they are going to feel bad about what you said.

So he has smelly feet, she has stinky breath, and the both of you could use a bath, how might we communicate those things about the other in a way that hopefully won't come back to haunt us later?

1.  Get to the point.

Mention the flaw in a way that you aren't saying, "You need to...You should...You ought to...You might want to..."  Notice all the Yous?  Starting "you" off when talking to someone is like taking your finger and pointing it in the person's face depending on your facial expression and tone of voice.  Instead of beginning with a you statement say, "What is that smell?  It is really bothering my nose." or "I keep having to put these things away and it really annoys me having to do it."  Then you follow up with the rest of your statement if your date/partner isn't catching on.

2.  Remain brief.

As much as you would like to tell a long story about how long the issue has been bothering you, don't.  I repeat, don't.  Unless you enjoy a good argument, it is best just to leave all the details out.

3.  Don't bring up the past.

Maybe this has been the third time, the fourth time and the umpteenth time that your date's breath smells and he keeps showing up wearing the same ugly jacket.  Don't mention the past and how when you first laid eyes on it you thought, "WTF?!"  Just take your date to the store and let him or her pick out something appealing with your coaxing of course.  Then stop by the grocery store and take him or her to the toothpaste aisle or give him a business card from your dentist's office.  Why work yourself up or your date with stories of your past boyfriend or girlfriend's smelly breath and stinky feet?

4.  Explain (without being mean and yelling) why what your date is or isn't doing is bothering you.

Some people just refuse to take a clue, so for them you have got to make it plain.  "I have talked about this issue in the past with you and it seems to me that you either forgot what I said or overlooked how much this relationship means to me...some things just make me feel...I really need for you to work with me.  I love you and I just want to get along with you."  Pray (that is if you have a faith) that he or she will respect your feelings and do what is best for the relationship, if not for you, for the environment and others who probably think your date's selection in clothes are an eyesore too and his or her breath is awful as well.

5.  Gently remind your date when he or she isn't doing what you ask.

Sometimes you just have to remind people over and over again until it sinks in, but don't act like a fool about it such as: calling everyone up complaining about your date, using sex as a treat, or acting manipulative in an effort to make him or her listen to you and do as you say--you don't want to be accused of being a control freak.  Start getting signs, notes, videos, books, and other things together to let this person know that he or she is slipping.

If all else fails, you may have to settle with your date's shortcomings or move on--no sense in badgering him or her to death about this person's issues, you have enough of your own.

Nicholl McGuire author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

Tuesday

5 Wrong Things Selfish People Do to Stay Married

There are many selfish couples who are staying married, and not necessarily living happily married either on the backs of others.  So the next time you say "Happy Anniversary," consider what the couple said and did to others over the years to reach their golden marks.  Is that possible, use others in deceptive, selfish ways in an effort to stay together?  Yes.  Keep reading. 

This is not something that everyone notices or even realizes until you find yourself in a position where you are the focus of the couple who is having problems (despite you're having nothing to do with their issues).  You see, some people will create problems and act as if you had something to do with them because you are there--they need a character to take away from their plot.  So if you are the child returning home from college, a friend needing somewhere to live temporarily, or the elderly parent who is down on his or her luck,  you can easily become the perfect distraction to keep a couple together whether you participate in their drama or not.  

This is why it is best to say nothing to them about their relationship, personal feelings, future plans with a mate, etc. because anything you say or do will be used to help them and hurt you.  Get far away from these selfish, devious couples who obviously don't want to take responsibility for their own actions or in-actions in the relationship.  It is easier for some couples to look outside the relationship for problems and blame everyone and everything for their own; rather than look one another in the eye and say, "I don't feel the same way about you as I did 20 plus years ago, because I feel you have let yourself go, you are too critical of others, you aren't respectful of me, you don't like to go anywhere...I am starting to ask myself, 'What did I ever see in you?'"   

People grow older and change (and not always for good either), relationships get boring, and thoughts of "what have I done with my life" start to show up in odd ways.  He dresses differently, she wants to do things she never did before, and the two seem to be drifting apart on a daily basis. 

The couple who use to fight to stay together, realizes there is no fight anymore.  Jobs are over.  Neighbors have moved away.  Relatives have long established the fact that they want to be left alone.  Children no longer live at home creating dramas of their own.  So the fighting couple is now looking to start or join fights elsewhere to keep their relationship alive rather than simply going out on dates, traveling, visiting others--just living life!  So what do these troubled couples do to stay married while burdening others? 

1.  Use other people's relationship issues as attempt to strengthen their own marriage but in negative ways.

Whether they have the facts, details, and so on of what transpired with this couple and that one, the desperate couple looking to stay together is going to use their failures to appear as if their relationship "isn't nearly as bad as their's," and they aren't going to offer much, if any, assistance to help another couple stay together unless they benefit in some way.  Pride of one's own relationship gets in the way of common sense and before long the couple is adding to their own bag of trouble.  Secretly one or both partners simply aren't very happy with one another, but they use other people's fights to temporarily distract them from this kind of thinking, because "I should be happy...I should love him/her."

2.  Permit troubled people to move into their homes for a limited time as a distraction from their own relationship ills.

What better way to get a couple's mind off their own troubled relationship then to invite people into one's home that are worse off than they.  Then after the couple has had enough of listening to the roommate's troubles, the wife, husband or both gently or harshly kick the relative or friend out leaving them with little, if any, resources.  The common enemy is now gone and back in love is the couple at least for a season.  Then they grow weary of one another, so off they go looking for another hurt individual or wounded animal to nurse back to health until the couple has grown weary yet again of their new object of distraction.

3.  Find things to do that require, not only the couple to participate, but those around them, so that they can focus on everyone else's weaknesses and correct them while overlooking their own failures.

Some couples know how to get everyone involved in their activities from landscaping to gaming so that they can have yet another "healthy" distraction from one another.  A partner isn't giving compliments, acting friendly or caring, but that's okay to the slighted partner, because he or she will find someone or group that will make him or her feel worthy, useful, and overall positive about oneself.  Meanwhile, the unsuspecting don't realize that they are being used for a time--that is until the relationship is doing okay again.

4.  Create emergencies, distractions, and other things to draw on the unmarried's emotional frailties, so that one or both in the relationship can have someone to lean on--take his or her side.

If a selfish, married couple complains to single friends or those in equally troubled relationships often about one's married life, whether they know it or not they are being discouraging to those who have yet to experience a positive married life.  Those friends who are emotionally unstable, weak in relating to others, etc. will be that good friend who will digest all the negativity the couple has to bring, but will be missing out on a married life that they could possibly be very good at living.  But those who have been married a long time, don't consider how what they are saying and doing might impact others with or without a partner.

5.  Lie or deny any and everything that exposes their mental, physical, or spiritual issues.

If you should approach the couple with what you have learned about their relationship and how they have used you to calm the storms in their lives, they might deny their actions and could use your revelations against you. 

In closing, identify this sort of behavior that you or someone else may be doing and don't help this sort of negativity to keep going just because So and So has been married for 10 plus years.  In addition, avoid using others to help stay with your partner for all the wrong reasons. 

If you suspect you are being used by a troubled couple, don't permit them to use and abuse you any longer whether they are getting money, grandchildren, time, or service from you.  Move on with your life!  Also, keep in mind that struggling couples look for others' faults, so don't give them anything to talk about when it comes to your personal relationship.

Nicholl McGuire

Saturday

Are You In Denial that Your Man or Woman is Controlling, Manipulative?

 
Sometime back, I posted this video from my YouTube channel: nmenterprise7 and I asked my listeners were they in love or in manipulation?  Are you?  There are those times in our dating experiences or relationship struggles that we may find ourselves being manipulated or controlled by a partner without knowing.  You may be the one who is trying to wake up a relative or good friend, but he or she isn't listening.
 
 
When one is in love with a controlling or manipulative person, he or she is not going to see the truth until the relationship begins to spiral downward, it is then that this person will start to talk back to her partner, argue, or complain to relatives and friends about him or her.  When you know you are guilty of doing and saying things to make your partner go where you want to go, say what you want him or her to say, and perform in ways that you know really aren't a part of one's personality, upbringing, culture, etc.  Then you must step back from the relationship, look at it from the outside in, and ask yourself, "Am I doing these things?  Then immediately start seeking ways to stop persuading, suggesting, conning, and threatening your partner to perform your will when you know he or she doesn't really want to.
 
As for those in relationships where you feel like the world revolves around your partner, it is time to build a life that doesn't always include your partner.  Start watching TV shows alone, be busy with your own projects, avoid being so available to your partner everytime he/she wants you to do something, visit places you always wanted to see but your partner wouldn't let you, and cook, clean, and errand-run without relying on your partner so much or doing all these things so often for your partner.  Take a moment and think about what you have done or not done to permit someone to rule you.
 
Too often men and women in relationships get too comfortable with one another and create expectations for one each other that will not always be adhered to.  For example, a partner will forget to do some things for you it doesn't mean that it is the end of the world. Acting independently at times doesn't mean you will always stay that way, but you need to empower yourself and live the kind of life that is not making you or your partner miserable.
 
Nicholl is the author of When Mothers Cry and other books.

How to Make a Relationship Powerful - Some Quick Tips


Thursday

When They Expect You to Date Your Own Kind

Ignorant people have a way of putting their prejudices off on others.  If they don't like a certain ethnicity, gender, culture, language, etc. they assume that you feel the same way simply because you might look or sound like them.  But with so much marketing of all sorts of relationships, whatever you thought was typical, normal, or okay is being suppressed slowly but surely.  The typical American couple looks nothing like the magazines of yesteryear.

Interracial relationships, divorced partners, same sex partnerships, age-gap dating, open marriages, and more are the new norm.  Despite the stares and the comments, people will continue to date who they want, when they want and how they want.  Some couples simply don't care what anyone has to say about their choice in a mate.

You might fit in one of the above mentioned groups.  You may have received some negative comments from people about your selection in a date.  For some, you might have been pushed out of certain circles because you chose "not to do as the Romans do."  Fighting back with the same hurtful statements, eye rolls, stares, and more does nothing but create more animosity in an already tense setting.  A relationship that just might make it, may not when individuals are under stress about what outsiders say and do.  For many successful couples, they have learned to enjoy their lives, despite opposition, and keep those close who are in support of them.  But keep in mind too, that relationships typically don't last as long as family bonds.  Therefore, making a relative who sincerely loves and cares about your well-being an enemy would be foolish!  Never assume that the effort you put into maintaining your relationship will be met with the same passion by a mate who may not be completely sold out or willing to stand up to others to keep you.

Many of us have spent years fighting people, places and things to accept our personal lifestyle choices.  Notice I said, personal.  What you do behind closed doors is ultimately your business and no one else's--that is until you come out in the open with your love interest.  For some people, especially loved ones, they make your business their business.  From the young woman who chooses to date an older man to the white guy who brings home an Asian woman, people who don't like couples who aren't like them will always have something to say.

"Take the bitter with the sweet," a relative once told me, so I did.  I made a point to enjoy all my love interests prior to choosing a more conservative lifestyle.  Whether he was black, white, red or yellow, I always knew someone somewhere would be waiting for that opportunity to tell me about "Those type..." or question me about "them."  

My advice to anyone in an unusual relationship is to find out what completes the two of you and why you sincerely want to partner with this person.  If it is because of sexual reasons, material wealth, fame, a personal fetish for a certain skin tone or body frame, etc.--best wishes--because most relationships built on shallow reasons don't go the distance.  Sooner or later personal prejudices show up and show out.  "My mother always told me about your kind...why did I bother...you people are something else...my dad told me about your type!"  Uh oh! 

Sometimes it takes a series of breakups to really know what you want.  Personal discomfort, outside influences, arguments, and more contribute to the failure of many relationships.  If you can get pass the issues, forgive one another, and work together, love just might conquer all.

Ignore the negative people and the fearful critics (who only wish they could be so bold,) and allow true love to permeate your mind, body and spirit!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and Laboring to Love Myself.

Thursday

Dating Poem: More than Meets the Eye

So few of you
many more of them,
you need to be with someone who isn't enjoying sin.

One had me jumping for joy,
didn't play me like a toy.
Boy, oh boy!

He was that one they said,
"Ain't right, and he look white."
But that was alright.

Look I have been there, done that...
just sat and sat.
Brothers passed me by, said goodbye,
and one left me to die.

Been on the other side too,
where I was one of the few.
That one lied
and I just cried.

"Life is what you make it,"
so they say,
but many still have no wedding day.

They say, "It's okay...something good will happen today."
Yeah right, okay.

Look at you, what to do?
What is your view?

What do you desire?
Who will ignite your fire?

Why won't love last?
Has a lot to do with the past.

Keep waiting, keep dating
before long one will be mating.

Then what will he do,
lose love and sue?

What will she do,
find another to view?

Temporary fixes,
for modern day mixes.

Be with one for a hue,
doing what others do.

Look for something to wear,
after a stare, go bare.
Meanwhile, they dated on a dare.

Fools create all sorts of reasons
to date people in various seasons.

Then when goals are met,
on to the next date set.


Nicholl McGuire

Thursday

Is She His One?

I think I will leave it up to the man to see
allow him to stare, to really view me.

Tired of laughing at silly, boring things--
more interested in looking at some rings.

Tired of pretending that I am the best,
tired of failing each and every test.

"Listen we all have our issues, you know better.
Just state some promises in a letter.
You promise to be better than the last.
You promise that you won't move too fast.
You promise that you will love me now,
You promise you won't throw in the towel..."

Relationship advice now it will entice.
Makes you want to learn more,
especially for a heart left sore.

But back to the man that watches me,
hopes he accepts the woman beyond what he sees.

For I have a long history
complete with much misery.

Men don't hold my attention for long,
don't believe in any tired love song.

Won't be the one who will fall head over heels in love,
don't respond to men who like to scream and shove.

He is a handsome, sweet kind of guy.
But I can't help but smile and sigh.

Because most start out that way,
that is until events happen one day.

He loads, then explodes and before long
he wants to hit the road.

But she convinces "I'm a keeper."
While he thinks, "I want to go deeper."

What is it about all these things,humans bring,
a past, a present, and a future with a ring?

Then babies, more ladies,
and wishes for a Mercedes.

Don't allow enough time to plan,
move too quick to keep a man.

Didn't stop dreaming long enough,
now a woman is walking away with his stuff.
Trusting others starts to get real rough!

I think I will leave it up to the man to see
allow him to stare, to really view me.

Tired of laughing at silly, boring things--
life gets serious when you start looking for rings.

Nicholl McGuire





Friday

The Rush to Have Sex, Commit with Someone You Met Online

With the growing use of the Internet, comes the increase of meeting people online and possibly going all the way with them.  Now when I say "all the way" I mean just that!  All the way to the altar.  When this happens, you can never be too sure about that person who started out as nothing more than an online chat friend to possibly the mother or father of your children.

Communication

It is great to communicate, the longer, the better.  But what exactly are you talking about.  Some couples will brag about how wonderful their relationship is, but what they don't tell you is they have yet to push those buttons that will send the new partner over the edge.  It is very easy to start a relationship online, but keeping it--well that is a different story.  Sharing information with a partner is much more than just being nice, polite and friendly.  You must talk about those issues that rattle a person, so that you can see how they respond to controversy.  Better you find out that he is a temperamental man or she is "crazy" early on in the relationship; rather than later when money, time and bodily fluids have been exchanged.

Sex

Sex is always better when you haven't seen someone for a long time, duh?  Therefore, you will say and do things that you wouldn't ordinarily do.  The Internet has a way of amplifying our experiences especially if you have participated in some steamy conversations online.  However, is the way the person looks, what they promise, and how they romanticize you enough to keep you interested offline?  Just be honest with yourself.  Remember, most of the time you spend with this person you won't be having sex.  Look beyond the physical and what he says/she says.  What more can this person provide you besides what every other male or female before this person gave you?  Some of you know how you can be when you have some great sex with someone--don't lose your mind yet again!

Money/Gifts

When you aren't in the presence of someone often, it is tempting to give this person nice things.  Some couples move just as quickly into their finances as they do sex--notice your online friend or possibly yourself buying this person's favor.  Some gullible and desperate types (you know the ones who haven't been with a man/woman in months or years) try to keep a relationship going with an online friend by giving more money and gifts even when they start to notice this person is showing he or she doesn't like them much, is acting distant, in a relationship with someone else, and more.  You have to wonder what kind of person would keep chatting/dating someone who is emotionally and/or physically unavailable. 

If you lost contact once, twice, or maybe three times before you finally met this person, don't be so quick to assume that it must be in the cards for us to be together.  Not necessarily.  Ask yourself, "Could it be that my personal needs are not being fulfilled at this time in my life and I am just using this person to help me for the time being?"  Of course, it sounds wonderful when someone is willing to help you out of your financial storm, your sexless lifestyle, and other things, but seriously, what is really going on with you or that person?  Why the rush?

Many serial Internet daters, players, and has-beens (you know people who use to be hot, but aren't now) frequent sites to see if there is someone (anyone) who can help/sex/motivate/move them in their finances, business endeavors, family, spirituality, and more.  The needs become more important than the overall plan to have a happy, healthy marriage (and children, that's right some will rush that too) one day.  Selfish people ask, "What can I get from this person I met online?"  Kind-hearted people ask, "What might I be able to do to help this person and myself?"

Think about it before you do it.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Laboring to Love Myself, and other books.  Watch Nicholl's videos here.  Visit her blog about various abuse issues here

Thursday

Relationship writer and author Nicholl shares experiences and thoughts on YouTube

If your personal relationship with your heavenly Father isn't right, chances are you are struggling in other areas of your life more than most.  Get some insight as to how you can incorporate spirituality in your daily living.  Start listening and watching inspirational videos at YouTube channel nmenterprise7 to help you get on track, see here.

Wednesday

Pros and Cons of Dating Someone Attractive

Let’s face it, there are people in this world that are absolutely stunning--better looking than most. Some are not only beautiful to view, but have a great personality too. So for those singles who are determined to capture a partner that is his or her ideal mate (and keep him or her), the less attractive individual (with the less than stellar personality) has to work harder than most.

It is rare that you will find a person that just fits everything you ever wanted in a mate. Sure, the date will have his or her flaws, but the goodness of one’s heart and beauty should outweigh them. So if the buxom blonde or debonair gentleman is sweet on your eyes, then you know there are a million others who would agree.

Insecurity

When one is dating someone who is nicer looking, smarter, and overall tends to have a better outlook on life, he or she is going to have to be mentally and physically secure with who he or she is personally and professionally. Having a faith, a nice job, a healthy body, an awesome personality, and more, helps overcome those insecure emotions (ie. jealousy). But when one is lacking in most of these character traits, he or she will be nothing more than a thorn in an attractive mate’s side. However, the positive to dating someone, who isn’t as attractive, is that this person will try a little harder to appease the one who is eye-dropping gorgeous--that is until he or she has a few too many bruised ego moments. It is then that the “okay looking” will start misbehaving--good-looks won’t matter by then.  This is why when you hear of someone breaking up with that "fine...sexy..." don't assume they made a grievous error letting that person go.  Sometimes beautiful turns ugly then one can't wait to rid his or herself of that problem person.

Attention

From eye-rolls to eye stares, people will admire the handsome one from afar or come too close for comfort. The attention can be a bit unnerving. You may find yourself paying more attention to whose watching the two of you; rather than focusing your gaze on your partner. Yet, attention can be a good thing when you are looking for some sort of benefit at a store, restaurant or elsewhere. Some individuals and groups tend to give attractive looking couples a little more favor when in their presence. Although this sort of behavior is petty and unfair, many people do it from relatives to strangers on the street.  "She is so pretty, come sit by me.  I like him--he is so handsome.  You both will make some great looking kids.  I'll help you both if you decide to get married."  Get my point?

Attitude

You won’t always find that apple in your eye a nice person to be with. This is why one must look beyond the surface. Some pretty women and good-looking men just don’t have it together upstairs like their not-so nice-looking mates. For far too many years a person may have been called, “sexy, cute, attractive…” to the point where it goes to his or her head. The one who may have been described as, “okay, alright, ugly…” my have a hard time feeling comfortable with the one who seems to be eye-balled everywhere they go. Two people with odd behaviors associated with the way they both look may annoy most. Sometimes people overcompensate for what they lack by becoming obsessed with their households, body shape, hair color, clothing and accessories, and other stuff--they also tend to brag a lot. A nice-looking person, who lacks intelligence, might turn out to be one’s worst nightmare--so guard your finances, your children, and anything else you deem important!

Conniving

Watch as well as pray. Daddy’s darling and Momma’s boy have much practice manipulating people. Chances are his or her parents have advised them to use what they got to get what they want. So the beautiful one tosses back her hair, laughs a little, and makes her move to get a man to stop staring and start sharing his what is in his wallet. The tall, dark and handsome type knows how to walk and talk to get a woman to drop her guard and her panties. Those that feel like they won a prize are going to be led astray from their responsibilities if they aren’t too careful. Before long, they are left in the dust like tumbleweeds wondering, “What happened? I thought we were so good together?”

As you can see, there are some pros to dating someone who is exceptionally beautiful. You can be motivated by this person’s attentive care to his or her body to do better yourself. You might even find you need an attitude adjustment, so that you too can be more confident in who you are. But what you will not find in someone, who is in love with self, is a person who will care much about you in the end.  He or she will be more concerned about who will be the next victim to do for him or her. 

Pay attention to those "sexy types" who are insecure, manipulative, and outright arrogant. Stay away from them and others who are temperamental, bossy and rude--no matter how attractive. You can save yourself a lot of heartbreak if you follow wise counsel.

Nicholl McGuire

Had Enough of the Relationship/Dating Drama Yet?

You might be partnered with someone who is really starting to work your nerves.  It seems that whenever he or she comes around, your flesh crawls and you walk on egg shells.  You might even have to tell yourself, "Try not to say anything...remember what happened the last time...do better."  Then before you know it, you are caught in that trap of discord again.  You start thinking about breaking free from your misery, but then...you opt out.  You recall just how much you love this person you can't seem to dismiss out of your life.  (For some of you reading this, a break up is not an option at this time--keep reading).

So what will you do the next time an argument breaks out?  Run to a relative or friends house?  Break every wall or door in the house?  Gossip about your mate to anyone willing to hear?  Argue until you both cry?  What, what will you do?  If you are doing any of the things previously mentioned, it is only a matter of time that all hell is going to break loose until the point of no return--police are called, someone is arrested or worse beaten, family show up and make your partner their business, etc.  If you really want to be with your mate, you have to make a change!

One.  Plan for the next argument.

It will happen especially if you are in a relationship with someone who is stubborn, strong-willed, or even crazy.  So you will need to plan what you are going to do.  Choose an exit from the disagreement that has the least amount of drama and then work yor way up to whatever it is that you truly want to do (ie. get married, stay married, break up, move, relocate...)  Don't hide your emotions and don't fight like a boxer either.  Figure out what your strategy might be when the yelling or crying starts.  Is this person someone you sincerely want to be with?  Then don't do anything that will jeopardize that.  Downplay the friction by not contributing to it.  Cursing, screaming, and fighting is not going to do anything more than damage your reputation, scare the witnesses, and make your partner want to handle you in whatever way is going to get you off his or her back.

Two.  Don't assume that everything your mate says is right, honest, and clearly illustrates how he or she truly feels.

You may disagree with the way your mate does things, yet agree that every negative thing he or she threatens is correct and you are going to do something about it too.  Hold off on the revenge tactics.  Not everyone in the heat of battle means what they say.  "But he said...and you just don't know...and if she ever acts like she is going to...I believe he means it this time!"  I could hear someone say. 

When someone really means something, they begin making their exit out of the home, they stop calling and coming around, they may even change their name and relocate to another city.  If your mate is still doing the typical things you are use to seeing him or her do, this person isn't going anywhere.  However, just in case he or she is acting like it is over, you might want to do the necessary things to start severing your ties to the relationship--only after there is significant proof.  Check out the break up articles on this blog.

Three.  Stop checking up on your mate, going through his or her things, surfing the Internet behind him or her, thinking negative things, etc.

The drama will continue to go on as long as you keep doing the kinds of things that say, "I don't trust you and I never will.  You are going to leave me, I just know it!"  The more you look for drama, the more you will upset yourself and those around you (ie. children).  People pick up on tension.  When you know that someone has a long history of being dishonest, you don't need any further proof.  Rather, you ought to think about why you are still with this person. 

Four.  Avoid trying to do more if you know you have already done enough.

How many things do you have to buy to prove your love?  How much sex do you have to put out to show you are interested?  How many family events do you have to attend to show everyone you stand by your man/woman?  What more do you have to say and do to show your mate you love him or her? 

You may be the one who is acting unappreciative or vice versa in the relationship.  If this is the case, then it would make sense to stop expecting more from your mate when it is obvious that he or she is still very much interested in you.  On the other hand, if you are the one trying to do your best, if your best is still not good enough, there is obviously something wrong with the person you are with.  Don't give more, start scaling back.  Less is best, at least for a time, because you are sending your mate a message, "You are taking advantage of me, if you want to keep me, stop critiquing/lying/asking/demanding more from me!"  However, if you withhold too much, too soon and for too long, you will create more drama that you just might not be able to manage.  Hold back enough to disrupt the atmosphere a little, pray (if you have a faith) then do your part to assist your loved one.  For instance, he constantly offers his opinion on something you do around the house, stop doing it for a time and leave it up to him.  She feels the need to check up on you often, don't answer her phone calls for a time and then explain why.

Consider the tips discussed and ponder on what else might be going on in your relationship that could be causing so much drama.  Write a note or make a recording of your thoughts.  Then reflect back on what you said or did during your last argument.  Listen or re-read your notes.  Chances are you might discover what role or lack thereof you might be playing in your relationship/dating dramas.  Put a stop to whatever is tearing you two apart!  God bless.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mothers Cry and Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

Tuesday

What You Need To Know About Liars

Whether you are in a new relationship or still trying to figure out an old one, chances are you either have been lied to or suspect your mate is lying to you again, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this article. To determine whether your mate is being honest with you the next time you question him or her, you will want to pay attention to the following signs. Although these clues may vary with some people, they are very popular with most liars.

Let’s begin with one common tactic used by liars. You have approached him or her with a question followed by proof. He or she is obviously upset that you found out the truth. They will look for reasons to find faults with you also known as shifting blame. “Well if you hadn’t went through my things we wouldn’t be arguing? It’s because of your insecurity is why I did what I did.”

A softer tactic a liar will use to get off the hot seat is the all important phone call, meeting, or some other event. “Can this wait? I really have to go.” In addition, they may even throw in a quick, “You know I love you and you are the only one for me.”

Other distractions are touching, making jokes, coming up with a sudden emergency, or making up similar excuses to get away from you, so that it allows them time to assess the situation and come up with another lie to cover up the one you just found out.

Liars will easily become defensive by accusing you of “wanting to pick a fight” or another good one “What’s with all the questions?” This is another attempt to buy some time to come up with a good story.

The wild, wide-eyed look is a great Kodak moment. They are trying to figure out what all do you really know. They are obviously in shock that you were smart enough to figure out their lie.

Bill Clinton used this next one. It’s called “deny everything.” Deny you were there, said it, or did it, and anything else you can deny. The liar’s goal is to make you feel as if you are crazy and second-guess what you thought you heard or saw. Don’t try to talk yourself out of what you know he or she is guilty. Listen to your gut.

Liars feel like you are attacking them when you ask probing questions, so they will attack back. “Where were you last week when I called? Do I ask you about the people you talk to on the phone?” They may even call you a name or two just to get you off their back.

Without proof, what’s the use in asking a liar questions, right? Maybe you don’t want to reveal how you found out at least not at that moment. If you tell him or her that you can prove they are lying, they will encourage you to show your proof. The liar wants to call your bluff. When they see you are not bluffing, be prepared to hear another lie. They will discredit the proof or ask you how you got this. Don’t ever tell them exactly how you got anything! If you intend to stay with them a little while longer, you will want to follow up on a later date to see if they have developed a new habit like telling the truth. The liar will be more careful next time if you reveal all your secrets.

Some liars will have a quirky smile on their face. It isn’t meant to be positive, it’s really a frown turned upside down—a look of getting caught. Following the smile, the eyes will drop to the floor or look away from you.

There is the all-important pause after the question was asked or the “I didn’t hear you” act. There is nothing wrong with his or her hearing; they heard you the first time. They just need the time to think like with all the other tactics. While they are pausing watch how the eyes are looking away or down to the floor again, thinking of “What should I say?”

In summary, when a liar has been busted. Remember to first watch the facial expression. Facial muscles will either tense up or drop. The look is sorrowful or sad. Then gradually his or her mood will become angry. For temperamental people they will skip feeling sad and go right into the emotional anger outburst. Next, the liar will find an excuse to avoid talking about it further. They will not want to look at your face; instead they look down or away from you. The liar will make up a story to cover up the lie told. Some liars will tell only part of the truth and later come back asking for your forgiveness. Liars will want to try to make up immediately. From sex to gift giving, whatever makes you happy. Lastly, they will promise they won’t do it again. However, old habits die hard so expect to be lied to again until they grow tired of getting busted.

Here’s where many people who find out they have been lied to make mistakes. They continue to act as if everything is okay after the confrontation. In the beginning, you may have been angry, sad, or tearful, but you got over it and acted as if all was forgotten. You never held them accountable for their actions, nor did you follow up to see if he or she is telling you the truth. You are sold on their promises to never do it again.

Some victims of liars become obsessed with finding out more information and begin to nag their mates about everything. The key to healing is to know what you will do if they do it again. Give he or she the benefit of the doubt, but protect your heart by not being so trusting. If you don’t have peace in the relationship, it will turn into a vicious cycle of break up to make up. Do you really want that circus in your life? If you know there is no hope for change, don’t stick around. However, if you know there is some hope, then forgive and try to forget by not bringing their fault back up to them. Liars will confide in the one who they cheated with, a friend or family member with some of your relationship problems, but they will not tell them the whole story. Eventually when you have had enough of the endless cycle of make up to break up over lies, you will be sending him or her their walking papers. Although you may or may not ever find out the whole truth, whatever you do, embrace what you have found out and use it to set you free.

Nicholl McGuire

Sunday

How do you know you love someone?

There will be a time in life you may have questions whether you truly love someone and whether he or she loves you. Couples need assurance when things seem to go wrong. They need to know they are loved and appreciated. How do you know you are loved? What are you doing to show love? How do you know that your fiancé really loves you?

Years ago you may have fallen in love with a girl or boy in high school. Back then adults may have accused you of not knowing anything about love. They may have been right. True love is comprised of so much more than the heavy petting and kissing that went on as a teenager. It’s unfortunate, but many adults are still using a night of good sex and nice favors as signs they are in love. When one is truly in love, you will see their behaviors change whether good or bad and people will take notice. Being sick with love is just that, the stomach and head will ache with some people. Others will experience a temporary feeling of wanting to be around their lover all the time. Other signs include: an overwhelming desire to please by spending large sums of money they may or may not have, showing their new love interest off to everyone they know, public affection, a willingness to participate in another’s interests, and talk of marriage and children.

To find greater insight on whether you love your significant other and whether they love you are as follows. These key points were created to help you quickly determine whether your relationship demonstrates true love.

Think of past actions you have done to show him or her that you love them. When you ponder on the past what is the first thing that comes to mind? Did you remember acknowledging he or she on holidays? Did you unexpectedly surprise him or her by cleaning up the house? These are the little ways that say you love them. However, the bigger ways of showing love can come from the times you were tempted to do something that could have hurt your spouse, such as having lunch with an old flame, conducting sexy internet chat, or visiting the strip club, but you chose to avoid the risks.

In the busy world that we live in, the need for some alone time also known as “me time” is a great way to show love. Your relationship may need it, but you will have to be sure by communicating this with your lover. Don’t ever take your own need or theirs to be alone for granted. During those quiet moments, both of you can renew your minds, receive clarity on burdening issues or simply rest. When you both have had some time to yourself, don’t forget to come together to make love. Some couples forget to come out of the “me time” and eventually fall out of love.

One of the best ways you may have already shown you love your special someone is to understand his or her reactions to tragedy, rejection, disappointments, and other negative circumstances. Have you ever heard a person give their spouse the highest praise? Do you know why they will brag about their mate being great, wonderful, and loyal? The reason for this is due to the times they witnessed their mate demonstrate the highest courage and/or support when he or she needed them the most. It’s unfortunate but so many relationships could have been successful if a spouse would have utilized an unfortunate circumstance to mend their husband or wife’s broken heart.
Show love by planning for the future. When you include your mate in a future plan such as visiting a foreign country, relocating to a new city, buying a house, or having a baby, you are sending a clear message that you love them and want them in your life long term. People who aren’t in love usually do not include their mates in their future plans.

Another way to see love manifest in your relationship is to respect one another’s dreams. A mate who stands by their lover’s dreams is willing to help accomplish them and make sacrifices, is definitely in love.

You may have met some people who have inspired you in the past. These people have helped shape you into the person you are today. You will also meet people in the future that can help you grow both personally and professionally. A mate who loves you will not isolate you from the people, places, and things that can benefit the both of you.

Watch for your mate’s responses. Now that you have reflected on the love you have shown, evaluated whether you have been considerate and understanding, and planned for the future, now it’s time to think of the love that your mate has shown you. Is the love equal to what you have given him or her in the past or does it lack? When problems in the past arose within your relationship, did he or she encourage you to overcome? When holidays came, were you acknowledged? Does he or she provide you with physical pleasure? One of the biggest concerns people who have cheated voiced about their spouses is that they don’t appreciate them. An unresponsive mate may love their spouse, but love has to be shown through action. Inaction will only cause unnecessary problems in the relationship.

Find solutions to problems when they arise. Being in love also stems from couples knowing how to correct concerns before they become huge problems. When one is still in love with his or her mate, they are willing to compromise on issues. For instance, if a husband is not spending time with his wife and she has voiced her concern, he will attempt to do something about it. When a wife is told by her husband to stop nagging him, she will try to do things differently.

Relationships can and will grow stale; however, as long as couples are willing to make some changes, the love for one another will continue to grow. If you are unsure whether or not your mate loves you, put him or her to the test by observing whether he or she is addressing concerns you have raised, if not, then you will know that your relationship is in serious trouble.

Love is not just about saying, “I love you.” Rather, when someone honestly loves you they have made you a part of their being. This means they carry your influence with them wherever they go, they enjoy your company, they speak positively about you, and they appreciate the things you do for them. You may have heard someone say I feel that something is wrong with my friend and the friend may be living thousands of miles away. When two people are close they know when something is bothering each other and will want to support one another. Just as we would defend ourselves if someone attempted to attack us mentally or physically, love will fight, encourage, support, and persevere despite our mate’s faults. That is why you will hear some people say, “Love is blind.” The purest definition of love can be found in the Christian Bible I Corinthians 14. Let that be your guide on what it means to sincerely love someone. 


Nicholl McGuire

Saturday

Why Your Boyfriend Talks To Everyone But You

When it comes to the things that matter in his life, you notice he is talking to everyone but you. When exactly you noticed his behavior doesn’t matter, he could have suddenly acted this way or he could have gradually became distant. All you know is that he is different and you need some help analyzing why, so that you can put your plan B into motion, that is if you have one. So review the signs that follow then create a plan for yourself and/ or relationship that will bring you love and peace.

In the beginning of the relationship he was “all smiles” with you. He shared stories of his daily events, how you made him feel, and future plans of how he hoped to spend life with you. Nowadays he isn’t saying much more than a “hello” and a “goodbye.” Here’s what may have happened.

He doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you. There may have been moments where he said or did something that upset you in the past. He may worry that you will “blow up” or say something that will hurt his feelings, so he rather keep to himself.

Someone started advising him about his life choices. He could have met you at the bar, found a minimum wage job, failed to pay a relative back, got someone pregnant and didn’t care for the child, or did something else that someone felt they had to confront him about. Don’t think for one minute men don’t share how they feel about their girlfriends or wives with other people. A man always has at least one person, maybe as many as four or more people he consults with for advice on the things that matter to him the most: his girl, money, health and sports. Whoever this person(s) is they have told him some things that have motivated him to do or not do something about the choices he has made in his life or made him feel guilty. Whatever he has done, he is trying to figure out a way to fix it and he doesn’t feel comfortable talking with you about it, because it may involve you.

An ex came back on the scene. She made a significant impact on his heart and mind in the past. She may come back just to see how happy he really is and to shake things up a bit with questions such as “Do you still love me? What if we would have never broken up? I realize the mistakes I made, do you want to try again? How about meeting me for lunch?”

He had disagreements with you that he couldn’t get over. Some men will keep everything inside for fear of being viewed as “the bad guy.” How people see them is more important to them, then sharing what they feel. Rather than explaining to you what it is that made him change toward you, he will wait for you to pull it out of him. Then later become more upset that “you made him angry.” If he could have shared what was bothering him, then you wouldn’t have had to use extreme measures to extract information like yell your head off!

His friends have made him the butt of some of their jokes. Single men are jealous of their married friends. They will talk about all the benefits of being single in front of their friends, but at night when they are all alone, they will wish for a steady mate. Your boyfriend may have been criticized for being smitten with you. They may have accused him of “changing” or “not coming around as much” since you have come into his life.

He took out the calculator one day and saw you as an expense. Business minded men with goals have a way of looking at the big picture. When he decided to include some additional goals in his life plan, he figured that the money he was spending on you, he could be saving hence the change of attitude and heart.

He has a health issue that he isn’t ready to talk to you about. His last doctor’s appointment may have included some news he didn’t want to hear. Depending on his age, he may be going through a mid life crisis. If he is in denial, then he can’t talk about it and if he isn’t then for some men, they won’t.

He cheated and now he feels guilty. Struggling with trying to find the words to say and trying to make sense of those lustful feelings, he won’t be very talkative or maybe too talkative about everything but what is on his mind.

He has new interests, hobbies, and goals that are occupying his thoughts. Taking up a new hobby or job is exciting and if he thinks that you aren’t that excited about his new venture, he’s not going to share any information about it.

His job or schooling has become increasingly more stressful. No one likes to share feelings when they are stressed. It takes time to unwind, process new feelings, and then talk about them. In time, when he is ready he will share what he may be going through at work or school. Be supportive.

He has learned something about you that he doesn’t like. Hopefully you were honest about your life to him. No one should have to tell your life’s story for you, but if they have then you may want to find out what he knows.

He either isn’t in love with you or doesn’t love you anymore. To this all you can do is look out for yourself. When you have created the opportunity for him to tell you how he feels and he doesn’t come clean, spends time blaming you, accuses you of “not allowing him to speak” or “that’s why I can’t talk to you,” and using other phrases to digress from the topic at hand, leave him be. He isn’t worth wasting any more time. Move on with your life and next time pay better attention in the beginning of the relationship to the following warning signs: dishonesty about his past life, avoidance of topics that he would have to share how he feels, covers up who he is talking to or where he is going, protective of personal documents, and suddenly or gradually becomes distant (meaning not being intimate, conversing with you, buying gifts or doing anything to make the relationship better even after being told about the problems.)

The only way that you can get to the bottom of why your boyfriend doesn’t talk to you is to communicate. Start off by sharing information with him about what you have noticed. Tell him how it makes you feel. Wait for a response. If you don’t agree with what he is telling you, then say so. Some men will say things just to pacify you or keep you from finding out what really bothers them. Don’t allow him to make you feel like a trouble- maker. When some men don’t want to talk, they make accusations and place blame just to upset you and get you off their back. If things become too heated, retreat and come back another time. However, if you have made many attempts to extract information and he still chooses to keep what really is bothering him to himself, then you will have to resort to giving ultimatums at the risk of ending the relationship. Do what makes you feel at peace and don’t give up until you get what you want.

She's Crazy by Nicholl McGuire

She's Crazy by Nicholl McGuire
Dating or married to an angry woman?
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