Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men by Author Nicholl McGuire

Sometimes you just don't see the public charmer/private abuser coming your way.  The man who appears to be so sweet, nice and friendly during those first meetings ends up being the one who breaks your heart and runs away with all that you value the most.  You didn't anticipate it--you were caught off guard.  But it happens, my friends. So what might we have overlooked in our quest to love and be loved?

In my book, Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men, I show you the personalities and schemes of various males (both young and old) and the games they play to get women to trust them during the early dating phase while exposing our weaknesses.  I also share personal stories where I am an observer and a victim of charmers.  This is a truth-telling book, one you won't forget and a must-read if you have a daughter, niece, or female relative who is just getting her feet wet when it comes to dating.

Please show your support by making a purchase.  Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men by Nicholl McGuire

Self-Admitted Abusive Husband Explains His Behavior -- Dr. Phil

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Deceptive Lovers: How They Can Drive You Crazy

There are people in this world that simply could care less about others.  They lie, connive, abuse, and do other things that mentally and/or physically break down others.  They are uncaring and seem to only react when negative things occur to them.  They are unavailable to advise, assist those in need, and would prefer to be alone most of the time.  Although many individuals are aware of how negative they can be when dealing with others, there is still an innate need to want to be loved.  Mean-spirited people associate love with sex and desire "obedient" or "loyal" companions that will do more listening than talking to them.

Deceptive lovers dress well or poorly, they can be beautiful or ugly.  They can have many interests or few.  They can be kind at times or ruthless.  Some things they do that drive those they claim to love include:

1.  Accuse you of misunderstanding a story, thought or request.

A tricky person doesn't want you to ever know the full truth about them so they will withhold information or converse in ways that are vague.  This way when you question them on things they can say, "You were mistaken...that's not how long I said I will be there...You are confused, what I said was..."  Even though the evidence and proof is everywhere to be seen, they will attempt to convince you that you are wrong.

2.  Lie about his or her whereabouts.

When someone is acting mischievously, they will not tell the truth.  So is the case of a cheating lover, lying friend, or crazy spouse.  They never want you to be two steps ahead of them, so once again, they will withhold information, make up a story, or create a situation that looks like the truth or comes close to it, but really is not.

3.  Label you as "immature," "ignorant," "insecure," "stupid," and other choice negative names depending on the mood and situation so as to appear better than you.

When one is trying to appear as if he or she is Mr. or Ms. Right, this person will keep up the act even during a dispute.  However, when one's weakness is being controlling, argumentative, or something else similar, it won't be long before who you thought was Mr. Right or Ms. Right is really Wrong.  Every couple will have disputes, but not every couple name-calls, chokes, kicks, bites, curses, yells, pushes, or makes threats to hurt the other.

These are only three ways a deceptive lover will drive you crazy, but there are many others such as:

• Steal from you while making you think you misplaced something.
• Stalk you, but later claim he or she was no where in the area.
• Claim he or she supports you (usually in front of others) when it comes to things like:  new job, project, parenting, etc., but then criticizes you often while rarely saying anything supportive.
• Pretend like he or she is in love with you while touching you publicly or bragging about you to others, but behind closed doors wish to end the relationship when he or she feels you no longer are good for him or her i.e.) finances, status, connections, etc.

Plan your escape from someone like this.  It may take days, months, or even years, but try hard to maintain your sanity through the exit process.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate.  See her blog here.

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How to Know If You Are Dating an Abuser

So, you have met someone in a club, in the park or you and him/her were introduced by a friend. You have gone out with that person on a couple of dates and that person seems so perfect, so right! You decide to take this dating to the next level, so you start a relationship with this person. After months of seeing this person, you decide to move in with him/her; next thing you know, you are being abused by that person.

You can evade this whole scenario every time you go out on a date and trust that person that you are considering having a serious relationship with. Remember, many people are not honest about who they are until they are in deep in a relationship. Now, you should not be scared when it comes to dating but you should be careful, here are some tips on how to spot an abuser.
You can spot an abuser on your first 3-5 dates with that person, as long as you listen correctly. A date is all about knowing a person, not their whole life but at least the most important details and what makes them who they are. If that person is over aggressive and hateful, than there is your first sign that he/she is an abuser. An aggressive person tends to fight and hurt other people when they are simply arguing; their reason is that they cannot control their actions or their emotions. A hateful person is likely to abuse another person because after a while, that person will look at you with hate and disgust, no matter who you are, a hateful person gets tired of the same people in his/her life pretty quickly.

Another sign is when that person hears you spill out your whole life in those first couple of dates but that person barely tells you about his/her past. Maybe the person will tell you about his former job, his past friends or something about his mom or dad; but they don't tell you why they are single if they seem like such a good person. 99% of abusers are not going to tell you that they are an abuser, they wait for you to find out for yourself, then they spill out their life's story, when it is too late. That is why you have to spot the signs and keep your eye open.

One last sign is when that person is overly jealous, you look across the room in a restaurant or you talk to someone walking down the street and the person you are with jumps at you like an angry lion or he/she looks at you with a mean eye. That means that the person you are dating will be abusing you for anything that looks threatening to him/her. Jealousy comes from threats, when you talk to someone that looks better than the person you are with, that is a threat and the person you are with will get jealous. Remember, as long as it is a date, you are still able to talk to whomever you want to talk to.

If a person you are seeing has any of these signs, then throw him/her out the door because that person is not the one you want to spend your life with. Many people are abused in the United States and many are afraid to say anything, you have to be careful when you date someone so you don't end up hurt or even worse than that.

About The Author

Alexis Lopez is a proud father of three and one more on the way. He likes giving advice to those who seek it and to those who need it. Alex's wife Camille helps him out with his advice and his websites on the internet. He also has a love for making short fiction stories and science.

How to Deal with Your Lover Who Can't Handle Conflict

Another opportunity has come to discuss a problem in the relationship, you want to tell your lover how you feel, but you don't want the problem to go unresolved like last time.

The last time was one of those times that ended with "You just love to argue, don't you?" It wasn't that you loved to argue, but how many times must you keep on having to bring up problems before your mate gets the point?

What will you have to do to get through to them? The following tips will help you make your point whether loud and in their face or quiet and polite.

First, try the "we are two reasonable adults" approach. Ask to speak with them a moment and let them know you will only be a minute. Tell them what is on your mind in the most polite way. The best way to describe your tone and demeanor would be like speaking with a sales clerk at your favorite store. "I just need for you to help me with something I have been trying to figure out. When would be a good time for you to join me in tidying this house up?" Be prepared for excuses, objections, and attitudes. Any time you ask someone to do something they really don't want to do, they usually aren't happy. If you don't want to be negative right along with them, don't look at their facial expression and stand there silently until you get an answer.

Second, if you tried to be reasonable with them, and you still haven't received a response. Try the "gentle reminder" approach. You basically tell them once again what you need. You might want to post a note somewhere around the house to remind them. The note is a powerful tool in case he or she claims you never asked them anything. There is also text messages and email to further remind them.

Third, when you have tried being nice, your mate who rather run from conflict and accuse you of "loving to argue," will have to face you again. This time you will be offending them because you are approaching them yet again about an issue they still have yet to address. It's unfortunate that you have to approach them with issues like a collector trying to collect on a debt, but what is the alternative? Keeping your mouth shut on issues and praying doesn't always work. Gossiping with your family and friends about the matter will only add fuel to your fire. Doing spiteful things to him or her will only cause more confusion. So you will have to face him or her again with the problem except this time don't give them the opportunity to come up with a solution, rather you create one that is in your best interest since Larry "who doesn't like to argue" keeps avoiding you. For instance, "Larry after trying several times to talk with you about problems in our relationship, you have been avoiding me. I have no choice but to feel that you don't care and if you don't then please let me know so that I can make other arrangements." Of course, Larry's ears are perked up now. "What other arrangements?" While you have Larry's undivided attention you may want to start with the most important issue. You may not get to all of the issues at that moment, so bring the others up at a later time.

People who can't handle confrontation of any kind whether it is loud or quiet will always find something to do, walk out of a room, or find something else to talk about. They are hoping that you will forget about what you had to discuss with them, but don't. We live in a world where there will be war and rumors of war, but all can be avoided if people just allowed one another to make their point be it loud or soft whether you agree or disagree. Some talking is always better than no talking. However, when things become heated, take a break, but do come back to the table and finish your discussion. Avoiding conflict will not get any results for you or the one you love.

Nicholl McGuire

How to Know Your Boyfriend is Abusive

When a woman first meets a man she doesn't know his upbringing, the company he keeps, what he likes to do in his spare time and most of all whether he has a disease or not. She can only make a determination of the man's character initially by how he looks, his mannerisms, what he says and how he treats her and the people around them. As she becomes increasingly more interested in him, she begins to trust him and will gradually let her "guard down". She will buy him gifts, offer to help him with cooking and housework, impress his family and friends and take part in his interests. While she is growing a fondness for him, he may be ready to have a relationship with her, but struggle with a dark past in the process.

What is in this man's dark past that the woman is not aware? For some men, it is a pattern of abusive behaviors toward women. It may have started when he witnessed his mother being beat by his dad, a live-in boyfriend or someone else. There may have been a time that a woman sexually abused him. Other instances of abuse could have occurred to him by a controlling mother or some other female authority. Whoever or whatever the situation, the man is aware that he exhibits inappropriate behavior with women, but no matter how hard he tries he can't seem to stop. This man may have prayed, visited the local church, talked with friends, read books, saw a counselor, took drugs, etc. but for whatever reason he just can't seem to break the cycle. This unsuspecting new mate doesn't know what she is about to experience with this man unless she recognizes the signs early and gets out permanently.

Every relationship starts off similar to what was described in the beginning of this article. No one really knows what they are getting themselves into until later, but in time the darkness comes to light and it is up to the woman to get out of the relationship as quickly, safely and peacefully as possible. The signs don't always show up right away. When people who have not had similar experiences make comments such as, "Why didn't you see the signs?" or "Why did you stay?" Some women may have turned a blind eye to those signs, been too busy to really notice, felt comfortable with him because a relative or friend did similar things or simply didn't care because they didn't want to date anyone else.

The following is a list of signs to watch out for early in the relationship to determine whether the man has abusive tendencies or has abused women in the past.

Someone tells you or he admits that he has hit women in the past.

He refers to all women he has dated in the past with derogatory terms. He may also refer to his mother using such terms as well.

An extensive collection of pornography and videotapes some of which are violent. He may try to tempt you into trying sexual acts that go against your better judgment. If you object, he may threaten to do them with someone else.

He tells you of abuse he has witnessed or has been a part of toward women. When asked if he has ever sought counseling, he says, "No, I never felt I needed it." He may feel guilty about it and promise that he won't do it to you.

Finds fault with all your family and friends once you have confided in him about them or he has met them. Later, he will use what he knows against you in an argument. (More details on this in point 10.)

Shows up unannounced at your job, home, or places you visit (may lead to stalking). May offer to take you to any of these places on a daily basis so that you may grow dependent on him.

Calls you often wanting to know your plans and in some cases you may have already told him, but he may be checking to see if your story has changed. He expects you to call him wherever you go and will become angry if you don't.

He doesn't like who he is and makes regular references about himself as being "stupid," "ugly," "dumb," and asks you, "Why do you want to be with me?" He will also resort to name calling whether he is arguing with you or "just being funny."

He attempts to control money you have earned and abuses possessions that you have acquired. He often asks for financial assistance, takes over your car and tells you how you should conduct your household. He may encourage you to live with him so that he can further control you.

He threatens to commit suicide when you try to break up with him.

He threatens to kill you over anything from wanting to end the relationship to talking to other men.

When you object to negative behavior he has done in the relationship such as mention he is cheating, caught him in a lie, hold him accountable to a promise, etc. he pushes, shoves, kicks, bites, chokes, grabs, or performs any action such as these to control you. (Note: some men may not do any of this, but will use mental abuse such as place blame - make you feel as if you are going crazy, use sensitive stories you have shared with him to belittle or degrade you, talk negatively about your family and friends to make you feel as if you have no support system.)

When he is angry with you he keeps you in a room with no access to a phone. He may lock you in the room.

If he doesn't like how you are acting around others whether it is being too friendly, talkative or affectionate, he will make false accusations to insight an argument so that he has an excuse to verbally or physically assault you. His attempt is to get you to "behave." Another attempt at controlling you. For many women this tactic works over time, particularly if you are dependent on him financially and/or physically.

When you want to visit with a friend, go out to the movies or some other past time, he oftentimes vehemently objects or he uses tactics to make you feel guilty so that you will stay home.

He will try to convince you that he is sorry for what he has done and will never do it again, only to do it again, and again.

Every man who has a history of abusing women knows the kind of mental struggles they contend with behind closed doors. Recalling when a female authority figure such as their mother was abused or his self. They remember how devastating it was to witness and/or experience such violent behavior during their childhood. Yet, some men rather than handle the pain positively, will encourage the hate they have toward women, using them for their own desires and then abusing them when they don't comply. Without mental help, some men will emulate the male mentors that were around them. If they witnessed a man they looked up to hurt women, then they may do the same things. This is one of the main reasons why women must remove their children out of an abusive relationship otherwise their children will only repeat the same behavior later in life.

For more articles by Nicholl McGuire,Click Here!

How to Avoid Loving Someone More Than You Love Yourself

It happened again. You loved someone more than you loved yourself and now rather than this person walking out of your life, suddenly they died. Now of course this is a scenario that hasn't yet happened to most of us, but what if it did happen? What if everything you ever did or said with this person became nothing more than buried six feet deep in the ground? How would you move on?

Do we ever really give thought to something so serious when we are enjoying the company of our mate, most likely no, but we should. We need to step back and look at how much of who we are is wrapped up into our mates. For those of you who are spiritual, you know that God has a way of giving and taking away without explanation. So now it is time to reflect and begin to take action that will make us more self-reliant and protective of our hearts.

1. Ask yourself how much time are you spending with this person?

2. What have you gave up to be with this person?

3. What do you do with your free time when this person isn't around?

4. How do you cope when this person is ill?

5. Do you have any personal hobbies or interests that don't involve this person?

6. Do you ever go anywhere on a regular basis without this person besides work?

7. Are you giving more to him or her than you are receiving such as physically, mentally and spiritually?

8. Are you getting anything from this person in return daily, weekly, monthly that is making you a better person overall?

9. Do you feel after talking or visiting with this person you are mentally or physically drained?

10. Can you survive without him or her if she suddenly died?

Once you have answered these questions honestly, then think about the answers you gave. If any answer included descriptive words like "always, alot, much, many" and similar words, then you need to ask yourself other questions, "Is there any balance in my relationship with this person?" and "Am I really giving myself space to relax and meditate or are they taking up all my personal time?"

Everyone needs some time to think without interruption. Make the time alone to examine what your life's purpose is and what you can do to make a difference in this world. Your world should not revolve around another person, place or thing. As with everything, eventually we grow weary and burn out particularly if we are not happy with ourselves and the choices that we have or hadn't made. So be sure that you are in a healthy, stable relationship that even if he or she dies today or tomorrow (or you should die today or tomorrow) that neither of you have a Romeo and Juliet kind of relationship. There is so much to living besides loving and serving one person.

For more articles by Nicholl McGuire, Click Here!

How to Deal with Sexual Desires When You Are Single

It is hard living by your self at times, watching couples hold hands, kiss, talk intimately, smile warmly at each other on TV and when you are out in public. These reminders are of what you use to have with someone you once loved. The desire to have a mate may come at a time when you are vulnerable with nothing to do or when you are feeling excited, happy about life and would like to share it with someone special. Yet, you made a promise you would give yourself time to get over someone, focus on your goals, build a foundation for yourself or help someone in need. Whatever your reasons, you are still human and no matter how much praying, fasting, or creating distractions you do, the desire to have someone can sometimes be overwhelming.

Before you do something foolish like stay up late looking at pornography, go out to a club to pick up someone or call off work to watch erotica movies all day, there are various ways to overcome your desires and get focused again.

First, examine what is enabling your desires recently to have sex that wasn't there before. Was it a new attraction that crept up into your life such as a potential mate, movie, music, conversations or books? If you aren't ready for a relationship, then you will have to do whatever you can to distance yourself from the temptation. Don't go out with the person alone. Avoid inviting he or she to your apartment or going over his or hers. Spend time in public places, rather than private ones. Stop reading romantic books, watching sexually explicit movies or participating in conversations that are feeding your desires.

Next, avoid stressful activities. Sometimes if you find yourself working out, almost obsessively, you could be triggering emotions to find another form of release. Spending long hours at the office might not be helping any more. Working with the opposite sex closely, when you don't have to, may also cause stress (particularly if you find him or her attractive.) Too much of anything isn't good. Find a healthy balance.

If you aren't working out, drinking alot and participating in other behaviors that aren't good for your health or are too embarassing that if anyone knew they would run away from you, then start making an attempt to quit. Know why you do what you do, what you need to do to stop and make up in your mind that you will do whatever you can to quit. Some of the things you may be participating in could have contributed to break-ups in the past. It's time to stop blaming your past and make yourself accountable for what you did to contribute to a cycle of bad relationships.

Think of other things that you can do to detract from your needs to have sex. For instance, don't stay up late at night watching TV or surfing the Internet. Advertising on both mediums late at night appeal to your demographic. Ads that are sexual in nature come up more often during this time. Companies know that most people who stay up late at night don't have too many responsibilities and will likely watch TV when there isn't much else to do. Instead, listen to a minister on television, watch the news, an intense documentary, children's cartoons, or a G rated movie with no intimacy involved.

Consider making some extra money by taking on a job that you will get some fulfillment. Maybe you always wanted to work at a certain restaurant, amusement park or somewhere else, use the opportunity of freedom to get yourself out of debt and build a substantial savings for the future. Your potential mate will definitely appreciate you for it!

Make a plan to travel your neighborhood, surrounding areas, out of state or overseas. Read the newspaper or register with a website that alerts you to current happenings locally. Make a list of what it is you would like to do. You may enjoy visiting nearby coffee houses or taking bus rides. Being able to entertain yourself without someone will make you more interesting when you are ready to have a relationship.

Learn something new. Check out the classes that are offered in your local community and select something you may be curious about. This will make you more marketable, interesting and knowledgeable. Employers can appreciate anyone working for them that enjoys learning new things.

Spend time with family. You may not come around them very often, but at least make some additional time in your schedule to visit, help with chores, or take someone out to eat, run errands, go to a play or visit a park. Back when you were in a relationship, you may have promised them many times you would see them and never got around to it. Make up for lost time. You never know you may need them one day to watch your future children. Remember holidays and if you don't show up, send a card or gift. Show them that you care.

Become a volunteer for an organization whose values you believe. The sky is the limit when picking a charity, research the legitimacy of the company, where the money goes and how long have they been around. Check to see what contributions they have recently made to society. The seeds you invest in a cause will always come back to affect your life in various ways.

Start a business. Is there anything you are talented in that you can turn into a business? You have all the time you want to stay up late, run errands for your business needs, invest money and so much more to build a business. The freedom you have to dedicate to a dream business is a blessing! Once you know your talent, research similar businesses to find out how they are doing. Find out is it really worth the investment. Talk with retired professionals for insight. Read books about your business. Create a business plan. Save money. Then when you are ready to begin and are sincerely passionate about it, follow your plan and get it done. Set timelines to get things done.

If you are a divorced parent, consider making more time with your children. Schedule an appointment to see your children's teacher, go on a field trip or attend meetings for parents. When you had a relationship with your significant, you may not have spent the time you would have liked with your children. Schedule times with your children that you will be able to obtain now and in the future. Don't ever put your children off to be with someone.

Catch up on all your medical appointments. No need to keep putting them off. Later, when you are ready to settle down with someone, you won't need to cover up the fact that you haven't visited a dentist or doctor in years. Also, if you may have to start a medication for a health problem, at least you are doing it in privacy and you don't have to worry about hiding pill bottles. Hopefully, you won't need to take any medication by the time someone new comes into your life, but if you do, at least you will be comfortable in sharing the information with he or she by that time.

Consider visiting with a counselor for any unresolved mental or physical issues you may have. For instance, if you had a traumatic event that recently happened, you may want to talk with a professional about it. The last thing you would want to do in the future is bring unresolved emotional baggage to the new relationship. No one will ever need to know about your counseling sessions unless you to tell them. Do it now while you can privately without being judged. Be sure that all of your paperwork is put away.

Visit churches with friends. Once you find one you like, be active. Join the choir, help with church related tasks or accompany the staff on trips. You may be surprised at what you might learn being around people who have a faith.

Value your moment of being single to save money. This is a time for you to do everything you had always wanted to do with your money. As you know, when you are in a relationship everything has to be discussed. It is better to do and buy the things you want before someone comes in with an attitude of control, jealousy or any other emotion to keep you from doing what you want to do. Buy the sports car, motorcycle, ward obe, take the trip or whatever else you want to do. It's your life enjoy it by yourself and be willing to share it with someone you love later! He or she will appreciate you for having it altogether!

For more articles by Nicholl McGuire, Click Here!

Ten Internet Dating Tips

The following tips will help you with your quest to find someone who is right for you online.

1. When reviewing the photos of people on social networking sites, be sure that you don't pick someone who is seen in all his or her photographs smiling with their mouth closed, wearing a hat, sitting down, wearing an unusual amount of makeup, or standing behind someone or something. This person is obviously trying to cover up their hidden flaws. They may be balding, obese or very short, have terrible looking teeth, covering up birthmarks, freckles or pimples or they may have some kind of handicap.

2. If you should find someone who has done this in all there photographs, ask them in your email to send you a recent photo. Now he or she may not have one, but give them enough time to get one taken. If they are always coming up with an excuse, move on.

3. Don't rush to ask for phone numbers. If you find that you are anxious to speak to this person over the phone, think about why. Is it because you haven't had sex in awhile, you are just curious about his or her voice, and/or he or she is saying all the right things in their emails? Whatever the case, write as much as you like until you are comfortable with the answers you are receiving and that you honestly care for this person. (If they seem as if they are putting you off, not responding to email in a timely manner or answering all emails with little or no detail, move on.)

4. Be sure when you are writing your first emails to them that you aren't getting "too serious". Don't get into your desires of being married and having children right away or writing a history of every Tom, Dick and Harry or Jane, Mary and Tina who ever broke your heart. Find out what their likes and dislikes are, what they enjoy doing daily, where do they like to go, what kind of hobbies they love, how do they feel about their job, family, and friends. In later emails, you may want to bring up the serious topics in such a way that would not make them run for the border. For instance, when asking about a mental condition, you may say that you read somewhere how most mental illnesses are genetic and that you found out from a friend that he is bipolar (don't make up a lie, but use a true case.) Do they know of anyone who has suffered from the disease?

5. Don't forget to spell check your emails. Many educated people who can spell well, frown at emails that are riddled with spelling and grammatical errors. Be sure to read over what you write aloud. This helps when you are trying to find out if you communicated your point well.

6. There is no set time on how long you email back and fourth, so don't set a limit of how long you will do it. He or she may have other email pals or gals, but don't let that push you to ask for a date sooner rather than later. Sometimes those other email pals or gals are in a rush to meet and then ultimately hang themselves being disrespectful, pushy, lying, cheating etc. It is better to play the best friend or confidante role to get what you want long term rather than the one night stand.

7. Remember in your emails to acknowledge birthdays and other holidays. Ask about family and friends by name (if you know any.) It makes the receiver feel like you have been thinking about them and sincerely care.

8. When he or she feels like they can trust you, you may want to send them something special in the mail. Reassure them that you wouldn't surprise them on their job or at home, but that you just want to send them something nice. If they aren't ready to share their address, don't take it personal just say, "Maybe next time."

9. Now that you have survived the email relationship, you may want to ask for that all important date. Start the email off by saying how much you enjoyed writing, but you would like to exchange phone numbers. If they say no, be patient, at least you know that they will be thinking about it. The reason why it is a big deal for some people is they feel if they talk with you on the phone that eventually it will lead to something more and if they aren't ready they don't want to lead you on.

10. When you set up the date, time and meeting place, be sure to leave a note in your apartment and tell someone close to you where you will be going. Better yet, if you can have someone at your home to take a photo of the two of you or glance at the license plate of his or her vehicle, you will be playing it safe.

For more advice by Nicholl McGuire, Click Here!

Perfectionists Can Be Suicidal: How to Avoid the Dark Thoughts of Suicide

The frustration of writing and re-writing a story over and over again until it's just right, putting together a piece of furniture for hours, fixing something broken that can't be fixed, perfectionists can relate. Bawled up papers everywhere and tools strewn around, loved ones visiting your mess while helping you pick up your thoughts off the floor, consoling you with, "Is there anything I can do." Gently rubbing your shoulder, "Why don't you take a break?" You respond, holding back your tears of frustration, "I'm fine, thanks."

Memories of trying to stay between the lines of some goofy image you had to color back in elementary school come back to haunt you while sitting on the floor ready to give up. The voice of your parents standing over you, "Now that isn't your best work, try to color nicer. Stay in the lines." No matter how hard you tried, the white spaces never seemed to fill in quite right and crayon lines seem to go over black lines every time. To slow a building emotional outburst, you just kept coloring over and over again making more mistakes but hoping the picture would be to your liking and appease everyone else. Yet, once you completed the picture it was ugly and you were ready to throw that away along with the crayons, until mom came in to stop you.

There was also those days, back in your twenties, you came to work to find that nothing was left clean and organized as you left it, some one helped themselves to your pens, went through your drawers and made off with a notebook and opened up your snacks, the boss would hear about it. You were also still angry from the night before, because no one bothered to clean the kitchen at your home, pick up their shoes in the living-room or notice the dust mounting on shelves and you have found yourself having to stay up until almost 1 a.m. trying to organize things.

Bawled papers, trying to stay in the lines, and keeping a tidy environment was only just the beginning of how you would handle everything in your life from relationships to shopping. If it isn't any good just throw it away, you have told yourself. The standards that you have created for yourself are not easy to follow and they are your measuring tools for everyone else. There is no forgiving yourself for mistakes; therefore, it is often difficult to forgive others. You have a no nonsense policy about everything in your life and if someone has a valid crisis, concern or problem, you tell them, "That's just an excuse."

You have either received high honors and rewards or fallen short of getting them in the past and you never quite got over the times you fell short. You often wonder why can't you be more like this person and that one and are angry for everything you ever did wrong to yourself and others. In every relationship and project you begin, you have a great zeal and passion. You give 110% until...the warning signs come that the person you are trying to impress doesn't seem to give you as much as you give them. The project that you have been working on for months is becoming a headache and you are afraid you have bitten off more than you can chew. Where is the way out? When there seems to be none, when control is out of your hands, you grow distant into a dark world of hopelessness and emptiness. The sun doesn't shine as bright as it use to, the rain doesn't give you any peace, nights are sleepless, food doesn't taste good and all you can do is dwell on everything that is wrong in your life. In fact, you have grown to despise yourself and everyone around you. The dark thoughts have come to kill you and you are convinced that if you throw yourself away like you do paper, that all will be alright with you and the world--not so fast.

Let's go back to the frustrated writing scene, when you wrote and wrote eventually you did come up with something to write about didn't you? When you colored and colored you did end up with a completed project whether it was good or bad, right? Well, the thought of going to someone who understands you and will remind you of your strengths and weaknesses is what you need right now. You may call him Jesus, John or Mary, whatever the name, your first step will be to get on the phone and/or out of the house, surround yourself with a positive person, healthy place or thing that motivates and inspires you to move on. Make a doctor's appointment, there may be something more serious going on inside your mind - a chemical imbalance. Your problem may be coming from drugs, alcohol, unresolved past issues and negative people. Define the problem and find the solution that will help you feel better about you. Once you have done that, you will begin to feel better about others. You will find that the choices you have made in your life have caused the hurt that you have been experiencing. If it was a bad relationship, then you already know what you must do. If it was a bad experience, then you know what you will have to think about to change your thoughts.

Perfectionists can be their own worst enemies. They demand a lot from themselves so they demand a lot from others, but they are also some of the best employees because they will ensure that a job gets done and done right. A healthy balance in one's life of proper rest and achievement, a forgiving spirit of self and others and an appreciation of life is all one needs to begin to overcome dark thoughts. Don't let the dark thoughts get the best of you today, love yourself and focus on making a positive impact where it counts. Avoid spending time on people and things that only drain you of your energy and aid you in your depression. Consider moving to a place that may be better than where you are living, but whatever you do, don't throw anything in the trash unless you can afford to lose it.

Note: And just a reminder, make that doctor's appointment and be clear about what kind of symptoms you are having such as: headaches, backaches, missed or long menstrual cycles, hair loss, bad dreams, loss of appetite, thoughts of suicide, interests you use to enjoy but no longer and a combination of other symptoms with these...something is definitely wrong.

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Editorial: How to Communicate with People Who Mask Their True Selves

They smile at you, appear to be friendly, seem to have it altogether and most of all they seem just a bit too overjoyed to see you as they put their arms around you. Chances are you have felt uneasy around them although they have a bright, beautiful smile on their masked faces. The politician, preacher, mother, friend or foe are masters at wearing masked faces.

So what exactly is a "masked face"? It is a front, disguise or a well-rehearsed expression that appears on the face. Underneath it all these faces are crying inside. They are battling with past hurts, resentment, bitterness and anger. "I have to smile," they tell themselves. "Because I don't want the world to see my pain." As we all know, the world isn't kind to emotional people. We are uncomfortable around a man or woman crying. We try to "make light" of situations. We say uncompassionate things like, "Shake it off!" or "It isn't that bad." When in all actuality what hurt people are going through is really bad, and it shouldn't matter what you or me think, if they or us have to let tears go sometimes, then let go. Ever wonder why people turn to drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, sex and food for comfort? Because the world tells them, "No one cares." Why would anyone want to share his or her deepest feelings with a world that doesn't care?

Have you ever tried to share your feelings with your loved ones about your problems only to get a response of silence? Sometimes they are careful not to say anything for fear that they may say the wrong thing, but in other cases you know they were never really listening to begin with, when they grab their cell phone to make a call, pick up the remote control to the television and turn it on, or go out of their way to start speaking to someone else with that annoying "wait just a moment" gesture. Then your left standing there wishing you had never opened your mouth, because you feel worse than you did before you started talking.

have arrived at a conclusion in my analysis of the "masked faces" and that is they are no more special than you and me. You may have been envious initially when you first met them saying to yourself, "I wish I were more like her." She seems to have her life on track. However, that just might not be true. Then of course, there are those couples who will smile at everyone and affectionately hold one another, but at home are they really that way? Not always, with one in two marriages ending in divorce everyday, do you really believe it is happily ever after?

The next time a "masked face" that you assume is very much happy, yet you have this tugging in your spirit, gut or whatever you want to call it, take a moment with he or she and make small talk. Spend a little more time listening to them and watch, before long the hurt will show up in their eyes, because they really needed that moment of release. All the while as you witness their pain, encourage them to do something bigger than themselves. Ask the "masked face," the hard questions such as: What is your purpose for living? How would you like to be remembered if you died today or tomorrow? Remind them of the people they love and those who have gone on before them. Tell them your own personal story of triumph in hard times. Lastly, be careful of what you say and do, because this is a vulnerable moment with you that they will most likely remember for the rest of their lives. This isn't a time to kick a man while he is down. Avoid bragging and presenting yourself as the authority of life's solutions to problems.

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Things You Should Do to Get a Woman

Let's face it, it isn't easy getting the woman you want, there is alot of work involved; and then even after the fresh haircut, new wardrobe and some extra cash, things still don't work --it can only mean one thing, back to the drawing board!

If you are willing to invest in your look, then you are willing to invest in the education of "How To" get a girl and we aren't talking about freebie tips from the Internet. Visit www.improverelations1.blogspot.com It is at this link you will find some books written by experts skilled in solving relationship issues. Proven strategies that work. So put on your thinking cap and click today!

But if you still would like a few freebie tips to get you started finding the woman that is right for you, then do the following, if you haven't already:

1. Revaluate you appearance and body. Oftentimes men are in search of women without a care about their extra belly fat or smelly breath. Ask a close relative or friend what is it about you that would turn a woman off. You may already know the answer to that one, so do something about it!

2. Find an interest or hobby that will make you stand out in the crowd. Women know about men's love of sports and lazy weekends in front of the television and if you do this, then you need an upgrade. There is more to a man besides his penis and money. Smart women know this and will not settle with you for long if you have nothing more to offer besides who is the best basketball player and which baseballplayer has the most homeruns in history- big deal!?

3. Stop involving yourself with so many affairs. The women friends, the guy friends and everything else in between. Some of you are so interesting and outgoing to the point that you don't know when to settle down. A woman would like a man who knows how to balance his time. There is the day out with the guys, but there are no days out with the girlfriends, so if you think that once a woman has sex with you she will continue to be fine with that, think again. The best advice you should take is keep women friends at a distance and if you must be involved with the woman friend make the time to introduce her to your new significant which leads to point four.

4. Don't keep secrets. Whatever you did in the past and you know it won't resurface then keep that to yourself. But if you have, a stalker, outstanding credit card debt, you shop at the local discount store and you have parking tickets, then be honest. Don't be flamboyant with your money when you know you don't have any or hide behing a bush when your stalker is in the neighborhood!

5. You have a history of physical abuse and/or verbal abuse. If you never sought counseling the last thing you need to do is get a girl. Do you really think that when times get rough in the relationship that she will not yell at you, possibly throw something and you won't be tempted to hit her? The reality is you will hit her, so don't test yourself, get the help you need before you start dating again.

6. Don't get your family involved in everything you do in trying to find your girl. If you get them involved in everything early on, they won't suddenly stop asking you questions and wanting for the two of you to make it to every family event. Be private about some of the things you desire in a relationship. Avoid calling everyone so often during the week that you find yourself trying to think of something to say.

7. Keep your desires to have a baby and a wife to yourself. Not all women are going out with a guy looking for a husband and a baby. Nowadays more and more women are putting off the wedding gown for a business suit. They aren't interested in being a homemaker as much as their mothers were and so if you feel a woman should be thinking that way, staying home and being a parent to your children, you may want to strongly consider whether you want an American woman. There are some women who think this way, but a vast majority aren't as interested at least not early on the relationship. So ask questions, but don't be so quick to speak about your views.

For more information about topics such as this and other interesting things written by Nicholl McGuire, Click Here!

8 Signs that Show You Are Losing Your Mind in a Relationship

You ever wonder why some people you meet seem to be "out of their right mind" when talking about their relationships with the opposite sex? They tend to laugh often when nothing is funny, say things that make no sense, become extremely anxious over the littlest of things, and their judgment when it comes to relating to the opposite sex seems rather toxic. What is it about these people that make you say, "She's crazy or a little off. He's odd?" In some cases, he or she may be on a prescribed medication, participating in drug use, had a past injury or even a nervous breakdown, but in a not so obvious case, he or she may have had a traumatic break up with a mate they had been head over heels in love. Now some of you reading this would say, breaking up with someone can cause mental issues? Yes it can. The following information will tell you how to spot signs in your own behavior that show you are gradually losing your mind in your current relationship.

One - Obsessively thinking about him or her. No matter what you do you think about your mate all the time to the point that it is hindering how you work, eat, sleep, and play. This isn't the kind of rational thinking like, "I forgot to tell her I will be home late." Instead, this is the kind of thinking that questions everything he or she does. "What is she doing? Where is he going? Did I tell her I love you? Should I tell her about this, I should have never told her about that?" These thoughts play like a broken record in your mind. For the average person, the thoughts may come and then go once you did whatever you needed to do for your lover. However, for the obsessive thinker, he or she is constantly questioning his or herself on issues regarding their mate. They lose sleep over these issues, feel afraid about what they should do about them, or nervous that his or her lover will do something harmful to them if they say or do certain things.

Two - Obsessively talking about him or her. Whenever someone calls you or you go out with family and friends, you are always making a point to talk about every little detail about your lover. "Did I tell you he is working on a project. He doesn't like that seafood place. I don't know why he chose me. He is going out of town this weekend." He, he, he, she, she, she, do you have a life that you can talk about without talking about your lover? Next time watch how often you mention your lover in your next conversation, this will tell you whether you are losing your sense of self with him or her. Then ask the person you are talking with, "Do I talk about my man or woman too much?"

Three - Acting compulsively and/or irrationally. Think about the way you behaved in your daily life before you met him or her. Are you participating in behavior that causes you constant worry? Do you find that your life prior to meeting him or her was exceptionally better? He or she may have a problem with how you organize, clean, cook, fold your clothes, or something else and you find that no matter what you do to appease them, it is never good enough. You find yourself constantly checking on whether you did an action that he or she may have complained about and you feel as if you are losing your mind trying to fix the situation. Some examples include: turning labels on can goods so that they are in perfect order like in a grocery store, being extra careful not to let dust show up anywhere on furniture, arranging shoes and folding clothes in a way that only suits him or her, and making meals in a certain way that you know you can't seem to get right. These are only a few examples, but think of those extreme details you now pay attention to that you didn't before.

Four - Justifying your mate's negative behavior. He threw a tantrum at the local restaurant, because he had to wait longer than expected. She told the sales clerk off because she didn't like her attitude. When you share an incident with a family member or friend about your lover, and they may a comment about your man or woman's behavior, are you defending him or her? Your chest begins to tightened and your stomach is getting upset, because you are offended by what your family or friends said about your mate's actions, "But you don't understand...you weren't there...you don't like him anyway...I should have never told you." If you remove yourself from the situation, could your mate have handled the matter better? When you find that you are doing a lot of defending and being offended, look out, you will eventually be pushing the people out of your life that love you the most, do you really want to do that?

Five - Condoning him or her for abusing you. "He was drunk he didn't mean it. She had a bad day, we are okay." If you find yourself talking yourself out of good ole fashion common sense, then you are indeed losing your mind in this relationship. Being verbally or physically assaulted is not okay, no matter what the reason.

Six- Blaming yourself and/or others for your mate's unhappiness. "If you hadn't talked to him, mom, that way he would come over more often!" If your mate seems to have one issue after another with someone who has always been close to you, chances are they are more than unhappy, but jealous of your relationship with that particular family member or friend. Be careful listening to all their criticisms about your family and friends, they may be trying to keep you all to him or herself. Behavior like that isn't to be praised; it is a sign of bad things to come.

Seven- Isolating oneself from family and friends. Are you beginning to hear concerns from well-meaning family and friends about your not coming around them anymore? If so, then you are on your way to becoming successfully manipulated by your mate. He or she doesn't want your support system around you, because this means that you will be able to get the help you later need to get away from them. Your mate knows his or her own weaknesses, but they will work real hard to ensure you never find out about them. Don't be a fool for love and lose your mind in all of the wonderful things they do and say to you. Without family and friends, you will not be living up to your full potential and staying true to who you really are on the inside.

Eight - Needing him or her to approve of what you do. Find yourself always asking, "What does he think about this and what does she think about that?" Sometimes you will have to question how your mate feels about something you would do, but how often are you doing it? Do you find that you have to consult with your inner voice about everything, from what to buy to where to go and what does he or she think? Some choices are best made without your mate's input. Your opinions are what make up who you are, without them; you are nothing more than your mate's puppet.

Take the time to analyze some of the things you are doing right now that may potentially set your relationship up for failure. It's okay to love someone, but when you make he or she your life, you have just lost your mind. Then, when your relationship breaks up, whether by mutual agreement, surprise, death or something else, you may be the unlucky person with a nervous breakdown.

Protect your heart and mind in all of your relationships by staying true to yourself and doing the things that reflect who you are in the best possible light.

For more articles by Nicholl McGuire, Click Here!

Dating a Victim of Domestic Violence? What You Should Know and How You Can Help

Her abusive boyfriend from the past cheated, lied, robbed, raped, abused, and misused her. When you first laid eyes on this gorgeous woman, the last thing you thought was you would be inheriting her wounds from yesteryear. Yet, you did and now you feel at times stuck with both his and her mess. You aren't ready to break up with this woman you love, but you can't see a future with her either. So what do you do about this past baggage that tends to show up on days that you think everything is perfectly okay? The following tips should help you get some peace of mind, reach a decision about the relationship, and help you help her to heal.

There is a big difference between a woman who calls herself a victim of domestic violence and one who calls herself a survivor. The survivor most likely has evolved from her experience and shows no signs of having ever been a victim. She has received the support she needed to move on and has taken the necessary changes to live her life to the fullest. However, a victim has not, will not, or doesn't know how to get pass the experience. She may even still call herself, "a victim." Somehow she continues to play the victim in her words and actions with every challenge that comes before her. She hasn't bothered to get the help she needs, and you may be her only counselor.

Women who have been abused don't necessarily get over everything they have gone through in the past. Some of the residue still remains. She may have some strange behaviors that tend to pop up every now and then. If he robbed her, she is possessive about her belongings. If he raped her, then she may have sexual problems. If he choked or smothered her, she may have problems sleeping at night or you touching, staring, or standing over her her while she sleeps. If he lied about his whereabouts a lot, then she will be bothered when you don't say where you are going and how long you will be gone. If he cheated, then she won't trust you when you say "...that woman is just a friend." If he kept her from seeing or talking to family or friends, then she now feels obligated to tell them everything and not pass up an opportunity to attend a family gathering. If he expected her to report to him about everything she does, then she may tell you more than you ever needed or wanted to know or do the complete opposite and appear secretive. If he beat her, then she may flinch if you playfully try to grab her. These are only a small list of some of the things that trigger her misunderstood behaviors.

She may also have some phobias as a result of being in such a life threatening relationship. She may be afraid to go to certain places, avoid certain people and discussions that remind her of her abuser. She may have trust issues because of the many times her abuser violated her. She may not be as affectionate as other women you may have been involved. She may also have problems with budgeting because her abuser may have been very controlling with the finances or she may be domineering about the finances herself. There will be those times that she will appear very strong-minded and other times where she will be extremely sensitive over the simplest of issues. However, despite all of these issues, many women who have been in abusive relationships do well in society. They find the strength to get over many personal obstacles and oftentimes help others see things in relationships that their relatives and friends may have otherwise overlooked.

Going back to the issue of trust, your partner isn't always mindful of her trust issues. You may think that she is deliberately making your life a living hell with all her questions, but some women do this without thinking. They may not have been "called out" on their insecurities prior to meeting you so how do you expect her to be self-aware? If she calls you too much to "check up on you" then say so and let her know you won't always be available to answer her call, if it makes her feel better, let her know when you will be available to talk. If that still doesn't help, and you just so happen to miss calling her, remind her that she should be treating you like how she wants to be treated. Disrespecting you will not be tolerated no matter how many times she tried to call you and you weren't available.

Too often men put themselves in situations that call their character into question such as going out with other women without telling the woman they have made their partner, hiding details of their whereabouts, not being available emotionally, making important decisions without their mate, lying when asked simple questions, etc. When you are with someone who has had an abusive background, she will be more sensitive to what you are doing than most women, because she most likely dealt with these issues with her abuser. You can be a big help to her emotionally by doing two simple things: keep promises and be honest. Let her know what your relationship boundaries are before you think about committing to her for the long-term. An example would be telling her that you don't want the kind of relationship where she acts like your mother rather than a girlfriend. Then list specific examples of the behaviors that are turning you off.

Communication is important in any relationship regardless of what type of experience someone has had prior to entering a new relationship. Without it, you will have trust issues, arguments, repeated break ups and so on. As soon as an issue comes up that bothers you, talk it over in a respectful manner. If she loves you, she will respect you and if you love her you will return the respect.

Being with someone who has been abused requires some degree of patience. You will have to allow her to get to know you through her making mistakes. She may have forgotten that you don't like a certain thing she does, forgive and forget. She may have checked up on something you said you had completed, don't be so easily offended. Be open to mistakes and allow her to learn from them. If you find that she is consistently doing something that is robbing you of feelings for her, then before you break up with her, talk to her about it. See if she can meet you half way, and then sit back and watch her behavior to see if anything changes, if not, then you will have to make the decision to end the relationship. Don't create a scene or do something to get her to break up with you, the last thing you need is a domestic violence situation yourself.

Some formerly abused women tend to be overbearing at times. This may be due to feeling powerless in their past abusive relationship. They want things to go their way, they expect others to do what they say when they say it, they yell instead of talk, and most of all they can be extremely demanding, because they are hard on themselves due to someone being hard on them. When you find your mate is acting this way, once again you will have to talk to them about how it makes you feel, ask them to stop certain mannerisms, and if you are not living with them at the time, don't. Until she understands how you feel about her behavior and have made some serious changes, you will not want to live under her rule. These women have not allowed themselves enough time to heal and they are better off living alone.

Another major concern about women who have not healed from their abusive past is that they may be hiding the fact that they may be equally abusive. Some women turn into abusers themselves. She may have cut herself, threatened to hurt you in some way. If she has children or a pet, you will be able to see signs of whether she is abusive to them. If the children and pet tend to act afraid of her, most likely she has been violent toward them. Look for recent bruises and scars on the children along their face, neck, arms, and legs. Watch how the animal walks, he may have been repeatedly kicked by her and the children. If you are in her home, look for damaged walls and furniture. Sometimes children are responsible for the mess in the home, and if so, then ask yourself the question, "Why would the children ruin the house?" They may be affected by the past or the past is still going on and she just hasn't said anything about it.

Not every woman who has been in an abusive relationship has gone through professional counseling. So be mindful of how she reacts when put under stress, the way she talks to you, and how she handles conflict. If you don't pay close attention to the warning signs, then you will be inheriting an abuser yourself along with her abusive children. Instead of being her lover, be a friend and direct her to some help and if you are spiritual, pray for her and invite her (and the children) to your church, but whatever you do, don't make her feel ashamed for what she has done, belittle, or disrespect her, she has already had enough of that kind of behavior from her abuser.

Nicholl McGuire maintains other blogs including: Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and Tips Dating Older Men, Younger Women