On Settling with Someone Who You Are Incompatible -- Don’t!

The regrets one experiences when he or she decides to have a serious relationship with someone who you later realize you should have never committed to or worse met can be upsetting.  Your personal and professional goals may be impacted so much that you no longer bother to work to achieve them.

In a turbulent relationship, you work harder than most to communicate, meet your partner’s needs, and more while fighting often.  You or your mate may be exhibiting signs at times that you no longer care or want to be in a relationship with one another.  When this occurs, thoughts of cheating or actually seeking out someone to have sex with may happen. 

You have mental and bodily anguish that at times is unexplainable--even leaving doctors scratching their heads.  When your health woes subside and you and your partner are not disagreeing as often, you attempt to be positive, but emotions and behaviors simply don’t last for long.  Again, you suffer through the relationship like watching a movie you hate all over again where you can’t change the channel.

Future upset with this person becomes more than you can bear and you find yourself latching out at him or her over the littlest of things.  “Why am I still in this mess?” is one question of many that you ask yourself.  You recognize similar negative feelings that you experienced with the last person you broke up with, “I really don’t like this person.  I wish he or she would take a hint and be gone!”

The more you try to come up with some peace of mind about your situation while trying to connect with a partner that obviously is not compatible with you, you grow increasingly weary, frustrated and even depressed while asking yourself yet again, “Why, oh why do I stay?”

The key is not to settle, but to re-evaluate what you want out of your life.  You no longer think in terms of “we,” but “me.”  You find solace when you turn your eyes away from a relationship that is no longer serving you mentally, physically and spiritually.  You make plans to live, work and play without need of your partner.  You seek out many hours of alone time to gain some understanding as to why you settled in the first place and you assure yourself that it will not happen again.  You will not compromise your boundaries or settle with someone who you know full well doesn’t enjoy your company, conversation, hobbies, or future interests.  Rather, you bid that one fair well and move on. 

People settle in miserable relationships for so many reasons including: not ever establishing a life of their own, children, money, opportunity, and shared assets that neither party is willing to give up.  However, just because others have done these things and seem to be coping or getting along well every now and again from the outside looking in, doesn’t mean they are truly content.  Know what you want and go after it and leave the past behind!

Nicholl McGuire is the blog owner and author of Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues    

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What to Do When You Discover a Date Has Been Lying to You

It can be disheartening when you find out a date has been lying to you about any number of things, what's worse is you have had sex with this person and thought you had an intimate connection, but realize you can't trust him or her.  So what to do when you discover your dating a liar?

1.  You confront him or her on every lie.  Sometimes there are those little white lies and then there are those bigger lies that enter into a relationship.  As much as you want to believe a partner didn't lie about someone or something, when it is proven that he or she did, burying your hand in the sand is the last thing you want to do.  Welcome the warning sign, stay guarded, and always confront the liar on his or her lies.

2.  You remind him or her of your deal breakers.  You will need to remind a lying partner what your deal breakers are and maybe he or she will think twice in the future.  This person may have forgotten what you might have gone through in your last relationship and how his or her repeat performances are drawing out the worst in you.

3.  You do some investigating of your own.  Liars don't just lie about one thing, they have a series of lies about other things and you just might have to do double-check on some past stories he has told you.  Most liars lie because they want to appear like they are good people when they know they aren't.  So he or she will lie about cheating in the past or even now.  This person will claim to always be honest with you when you know it wasn't that long ago when he or she couldn't even tell you where he or she went, how much money was spent, or who the individual was talking to on the phone.

4.  Think about why he or she might be lying.  Much of this lying with dates occurs because for years it was acceptable by others.  The liar may have been influenced by his or her lying relatives who did it out of fear, personal gain, freedom, etc. Could you be doing or saying something that makes this person feel unsafe to tell the truth?  Liars don't just lie to partners, but to bosses, co-workers and family members.  

5.  You think deeply whether or not you want this person in your life.  Whatever the background of the liar, the point is you will need to let this person know how you feel about his or her lying.  There is no arguing about what this individual has said, but the focus should be on telling you the truth.  For every lie told, have some consequences like: no visiting you, take a time out from talking, no intimacy, or no dating ever again.  Like a child, a liar has to learn the hard way that making things up, exaggerating, leaving details out, remaining quiet when he or she should be speaking up, or making false assumptions is unacceptable.  Being clear about your standards will keep some lying men and women away.  If you should make things comfortable for a liar, he or she will keep behaving that way.  Some men and women simply can't help themselves, and if this is the case, strongly reconsider dating them.

Life is stressful enough and when you know you don't have the patience to deal with a liar, consider a future without him or her.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet,Privately Cruel Abusive Men, She's Crazy, Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, and other books.