Top Five Things To Do Instead of Nagging

Ladies, here is a news flash for you. You know this already, but I am officially confirming that men do not respond well, if at all, to nagging. If you want something from a man and you have been reduced to nagging him to get it, you stand a better change of a winning a snow ball fight in hell.
A reader of mine, who we will call Julie emailed me recently saying she was simply exhausted with trying to get her husband to help out with the housework. She admitted she was constantly nagging him, however, no matter how, or how many times she pleaded with him, nothing. He simply did not respond. Julie, who works full time and takes care of two children and the house has come to a breaking point. Although she isn't actually considering leaving, she is actually considering threatening him with a separation. Should she resort to threats??? NO!!! First of all, threatening to leave a marriage when you simply don't mean it is a huge mistake. Secondly, her husband probably wouldn't even hear her threat. He tuned her out long ago...

So, what's a frustrated woman to do if nagging isn't working, (and it never does)? Here are some other, hopefully more constructive and effective methods for getting through to your man.

1. Put your "honey do" list in writing. A short note or even an email will be better received. Men like lists of tasks. They like to check things off. They like to see they are making progress. Most importantly, they like having something to refer back to. Stick to the facts. Make a simple no frills to do list. Email it, or leave it for him where he will find it. Do not hand deliver it, as you will be tempted to explain to him why you are resorting to a written list. Simply leave it on the bathroom counter, sit back, and wait for results.

2. Ask him to work on something with you. "Honey, can you help me with the dishes? I want to hear about your day." Sure, it's not as effective as getting him to do it all himself. However, it's much more effective then you doing it alone, fuming and lonely.

3. Ask him once to do something, then don't ask again. The key to success is this. You don't do it either. After a week of no dishes getting done, your man is likely to respond to the visual Que of stacks of dishes piling up on the counter. Men are visual. He will get this. He will do the dishes. In the mean time, you may get some meals out.

4. Have a discussion about hiring help. "Honey, I'm feeling overwhelmed with all the housework. It's clear to me you are too. I don't want to nag or fight with you about it, so I have scheduled a few interviews with house help. The first one is next Wednesday. I would love for you to be here so you can help me decide who to hire..."

5. Stop nagging. Stop talking at all. Men respond to a woman's absence or silence much more then they do her talking. Eventually he will notice the absence of your voice, wonder what's up, and come looking for you. This will open a brief window for a conversation about whatever is bothering you.

Written by LISA HAYES

Love Revisited: Helpful Do’s & Don’ts For The Widow/Widower Embracing New Love

Is it possible to mourn the loss of a beloved spouse and, while still grieving, to not only meet someone special, but fall in love and begin to build a new relationship that includes a commitment to sharing your lives? Can we overlap our loving and our grieving? The answer is a profound: YES! But, to smooth the path, keep these helpful Do’s and Don’ts in mind:

• Do allow yourself the joy of healing and moving on.

• Do allow yourself to feel good when this happens.

• Don’t feel guilty. You have been respectful, loving and caring towards your late spouse. Time has passed. It is healthy to want your life to move forward. Try to recognize your emotions every step of the way and not shy away from inner scrutiny, or back off from facing your emotions.

• Do know that it is possible to combine families with adult children no longer living at home.

• Do know that it will not always be smooth sailing; there will be moments of arguments and disagreements to work through.

Commonly, jealousy, fear, abandonment and money issues come up, even for your grown children. Will he leave “her” in “his” will? Will he forget about us? Will he respect our grieving? Be aware that often even the adult child feels, “I am not ready for this.” I want my dad/mom to be happy but not so fast….I’m still grieving for my mom/dad; I’m not ready to think about a “replacement” for his or her love. It may be hard for children at any age to fully understand that the bereaved are lonely and, if the widow or widower had a good marriage, this can further motivate the longing for another partner. There is also the sense of urgency, i.e., “time is running out and life will not go on forever”.

Tactfulness, thoughtfulness, and consideration for the feelings of children of all ages are so important, as well as the understanding that fathers and mothers grieve differently than their children who have their own important timetable. One cannot hurry the process of your grief, your adult children leading their own lives, or that of younger children.

While you want your life to move forward, a sensitive and understanding parent needs to recognize and be especially responsive to the needs of children living at home; children who are grieving the loss of their mother or father. The child needs the "daddy" or "mommy" that’s left. They need them to be emotionally available. Equally important, children commonly have expectations that they have exclusive rights to this parent. Dealing with young children still at home, requires an added set of challenges.

• Do listen carefully to what your child is, and is not saying.

• Do not have a new partner or romantic interest stay overnight too soon.

• Do be sensitive about the messages that you are giving your children about this new person in your life.

• Don’t have someone spend the night until they are special in your life, so that your child doesn’t feel the emotional confusion of a string of overnight guests.

• Do continue to impart important values to your child, reinforcing that love is special. Remember your behavior as a role model for your youngster.

• Do understand that someone new entering your life is confusing for your child and may come along with resentments needing to be understood and dealt with.

• Do be aware that the children are smart and can resent a new “mother,” even if she is not posed as such.

Grieving adults are entitled to happiness. Yet the grieving family members may experience confusion, conflict and rage. “I want mom back.” “I never wanted her to leave.” I want you (as my parent) not to be alone….but I’m not ready for this. Sometimes, it can’t be articulated but felt.

Keeping the channels of communication open for discussion, dialogue and sharing of experiences requires listening, and not necessarily agreeing. Each party needs to be heard and wants to be understood. Joy is to be treasured; the challenge lies in working it out in a way that is respectful to all family members.

About the Author
Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T is the co-author with Gloria Lintermans of THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love, http://www.championpress.com. Visit with Gloria at: http://creativegrief.blogspot.com

Relationship Tune Up - 7 Key Points to Avoid a Break Up or Break Down

"Every three months or 3,000 miles."

That's how the sticker in the left upper corner of my windshield reads.

It's a matter of common knowledge that we are supposed to maintain, service, and tune up our cars if we want them to run well and last.

In my experience, it rarely occurs to us to do the same thing with our love relationships.

More and more of the couples I see are not in need of long term therapy, they are more in need of a short term relationship tune up.

7 Key Points

What first attracted you to each other? - This is the first question I ask most couples because it helps to be reminded that your partner has some great qualities that led you to want to be in this relationship.

What are some of the strengths of your relationship? - Instead of all the things that are wrong with your relationship, what I want to know is what are some of the strengths of the relationship upon which we can build in order to solve the problems with which they are struggling.

When have you been the closest? - One of the easiest ways to tune up your relationship is to do the things you were doing when you were the closest.

You may have noticed that the first 3 questions were all focused on positives in the relationship.

This is done on purpose. One of the dangers of traditional marriage counseling is a focus on what is wrong or defective with an individual or the relationship. One of the many benefits of relationship coaching is a focus on using the strengths in the relationship to build up the areas where the relationship is weak.

What are your partner's emotional needs and what are your own? - If you do not know, hear are the two crucial questions to ask:

1) In order to feel loved by me, what do you need to feel in our relationship?

2) What are some ways I can meet those needs?

What is your partner's love language and what is yours? - Some folks need to hear it, some folks need to see it, and some folks need to feel it.

How do the two of you "do conflict?" - Conflict in a relationship is inevitable. Fighting is optional.

What is your vision for your relationship? - Without a vision, a relationship can perish. Here are a few questions most couples never take the time to even think about, much less ask:

1) If we could design our relationship any way we wanted, how would we like it to be?

2) What goals do we have for our relationship?

3) What do we want to give, and what do we want to get in our relationship?

For more immediately useable tips and tools for your relationship, visit relationship coach Jeff Herring's interactive website at SecretsofGreatRelationships.com


Author: Jeff Herring

Six Reasons Why You and Your Fiance Shouldn't Be Getting Married Right Now

Everyone around you has told you get married to your girlfriend, boyfriend or fiancé and you would like to, but you seem a bit apprehensive. There are obvious reasons why you are not ready and then there are some that aren't so obvious. The information contained in this article will help you uncover what has been bothering you about marrying your partner and why it is best to just put off your marriage plans.

One. The Ex

You are still involved with a previous mate. When you find yourself still doing the following: helping them whenever they need you, going out to eat with them, visiting them at their home, speaking to them intimately over the phone, emailing them about your personal life and inviting them to check out your Internet web pages and even worse still being married, you are not ready.

Two. Past Memories

You often think of the "good ole' days." Some people enjoy the memories of their single life, so much in fact, that it depresses them to think that one day they will be married. Others can't get over reminiscing about the ex and reflecting on how things would have turned out had they done certain things in the relationship or had the ex did some things differently for them.

Three. Your Partner's Family

You don't get along with anyone on your mate's side of the family. They invite you to family events and you never want to attend for a variety of reasons. There are more than a select few in your partner's family who are critical of you to your face and behind your back. When you tell your mate about their behavior, he or she doesn't do anything about it.

When you and your partner make plans to do something together, he or she has to always include someone from his or her family. Your mate's family often call or drop by at strange hours of the night. When you tell your partner how this makes you feel, he or she defends their actions and argues with you about it.

Whenever your partner's family is in trouble he or she is always bailing them out. When you tell your partner how this makes you feel and how this affects items being bought for your own home, he or she finds excuses for why they feel what they did is the "right thing to do or "don't worry over it we will be blessed."

Four. Employment

You or your partner can't maintain a steady job. In addition, you may not be happy with your career and education. Without being at peace with those issues, you may not be satisfied with the money you make either. There are some people who can't seem to make up their mind where they would like to work and have a problem committing to any job.

Five. Children

You don't want a family, but your partner is open to the possibility. When your partner brings up this subject you may be the one who becomes emotional about it. Then again, he or she might be. If so, you definitely don't want to commit to them for the rest of your life if the two of you can't agree on this subject. If you know you can't afford it right now, don't get married to someone who thinks that you can at this time. Most of all, if you or your partner has unresolved issues with how your parents treated you, put off having children until you are at peace with your past.

Six. Bad Habits

You have bad habits you can't seem to quit. Partners who stay out all night and come home whenever they feel like it will not all of a sudden just stop their inconsiderate behavior just because you got married. If you or your partner makes plans to enjoy life without the other on a regular basis, why bother getting married?

Continuing to smoke, drink or do drugs when your partner has asked you to quit is definitely a sign you need to put off marriage.

Spending money you know you don't have on things you can't afford will cause future arguments, so don't get married until you have a budget that you can follow on a consistent basis.

You can prevent a future divorce if you don't ignore the signs that you see in the present. Marriage is just as so many have described, "Work." It can be enjoyable work or just a job, it's up to you to decide which you will choose. Build a foundation now that will last a lifetime for you and your partner by doing what you can to better yourself, before you get married!

Nicholl McGuire

Seven Things You Can Do Today to Become a Better Wife

Having problems in your relationship? Are you the one who is to blame for the majority of the issues that have recently surfaced in your marriage? Maybe it was a mood swing contributed to PMS or menopause or maybe you have been really stressed out lately. If so, then the following tips will help you make some quick improvements in your marriage, before your man starts thinking you are no longer interested in him.

1) Overcrowding your husband's personal space? If you have been breathing down his neck on a variety of issues and not seeing any results and he has told you to back off, why aren't you doing it? Then again, maybe you are so in love with him that you want to know his every move, of course he will understand, right? Wrong, give him some space and let him come to you with his problems, issues, or confessions of how much he loves you from time to time.

2) Have you been dying to tell him about what happened to you each day at work, home, or school? You may think you are doing a wonderful thing by telling him everything when you feel like talking. However, you may want to find out if when you are ready to talk is a good time for him to listen. Time the conversations you plan with him better to achieve undivided attention.

3) Praise doesn't just work for children and animals it works for men too. If you want to see him smile, even a little bit, show you care by looking into his eyes ever so affectionately, and saying, "Thank you. I really appreciated what you have done for me." Thank you can also be expressed by turning on the game for him whether he listens to it in the car or watches it on the television. Buying a small token of appreciation such as a favorite snack will also make him feel you care.

4) If you have been married for years or a recently wedded, then you should know by now whether your husband is a great help around the house or your worst nightmare. So if you know these things, why anticipate your husband will always help you with cleaning and organizing the house? Most men will do tasks in unexpected spurts. Meaning today they may be in the mood to do everything you ask, and then won't be willing again until days, weeks or even months later. You will have to plan how you will get other tasks done between now and when he is in the mood again. Even if it means you will have to hire someone to do it. If he doesn't want to spend the money, then he will have to do it and if he doesn't you will have to teach him a lesson, particularly if you make your own money. He will just have to receive one less gift for his birthday and Christmas.

5) Many women nowadays work just like men do; therefore, there are more and more women who don't cook just like men do. Although it seems fair, many men still want their women to cater to them. If you know that you can't cook and your man is raving about another woman's cooking even if it is his mother, you should take the time and do some research on how to cook. It doesn't have to be his favorite meal, because you risk being compared to another woman's skill, but it should be something that both of you have eaten in the past at a restaurant. The quickest way to a man's heart is still through his stomach.

6) There are still mothers threatening to tell their children's father for wrongdoing. The last thing he wants to hear is a list of your concerns regarding the children when he gets off of work. Sometimes for serious offenses you will have to speak with him immediately. However, many aren't that important. Don't always wait on him to discipline and teach the children.

7) Some women can rain firestorms on their men when they are angry at them. Are you one of them? If so, the quickest way to push your man into the arms of another woman or in some cases another man is to yell and name call during disagreements. Try to stick to the topic that makes you angry and express how it impacts you and everything around the two of you. If he is at fault, ask him how he intends to solve the matter and what you intend to do if he doesn't. If you truly love him like you say you do, you will make yourself communicate with him using a respectful tone that you would use if he was your boss.

Take some quiet time and consider anything your mate has told you he doesn't like and work to stop old habits. You will need to be reminded by him, family or friends of what it is you are doing that is causing problems in your household. Anything that is being done which affects everyone around you may need more than just will power and it is up to you to make the doctor's appointment, read a book about your problem area, and/or seek the counseling you need to change.

When you find that you are making great strides in becoming a better wife, don't expect him to be a better husband. You may tell him about the things that bother you; however if he isn't willing to become a better husband, you are in this alone. Instead, you should secretly hope and pray that by him watching your positive actions, he will want to change. Remember change is a process it doesn't happen overnight.

Nicholl McGuire

How to Deal with Your Lover Who Can't Handle Conflict

Another opportunity has come to discuss a problem in the relationship, you want to tell your lover how you feel, but you don't want the problem to go unresolved like last time.

The last time was one of those times that ended with "You just love to argue, don't you?" It wasn't that you loved to argue, but how many times must you keep on having to bring up problems before your mate gets the point?

What will you have to do to get through to them? The following tips will help you make your point whether loud and in their face or quiet and polite.

First, try the "we are two reasonable adults" approach. Ask to speak with them a moment and let them know you will only be a minute. Tell them what is on your mind in the most polite way. The best way to describe your tone and demeanor would be like speaking with a sales clerk at your favorite store. "I just need for you to help me with something I have been trying to figure out. When would be a good time for you to join me in tidying this house up?" Be prepared for excuses, objections, and attitudes. Any time you ask someone to do something they really don't want to do, they usually aren't happy. If you don't want to be negative right along with them, don't look at their facial expression and stand there silently until you get an answer.

Second, if you tried to be reasonable with them, and you still haven't received a response. Try the "gentle reminder" approach. You basically tell them once again what you need. You might want to post a note somewhere around the house to remind them. The note is a powerful tool in case he or she claims you never asked them anything. There is also text messages and email to further remind them.

Third, when you have tried being nice, your mate who rather run from conflict and accuse you of "loving to argue," will have to face you again. This time you will be offending them because you are approaching them yet again about an issue they still have yet to address. It's unfortunate that you have to approach them with issues like a collector trying to collect on a debt, but what is the alternative? Keeping your mouth shut on issues and praying doesn't always work. Gossiping with your family and friends about the matter will only add fuel to your fire. Doing spiteful things to him or her will only cause more confusion. So you will have to face him or her again with the problem except this time don't give them the opportunity to come up with a solution, rather you create one that is in your best interest since Larry "who doesn't like to argue" keeps avoiding you. For instance, "Larry after trying several times to talk with you about problems in our relationship, you have been avoiding me. I have no choice but to feel that you don't care and if you don't then please let me know so that I can make other arrangements." Of course, Larry's ears are perked up now. "What other arrangements?" While you have Larry's undivided attention you may want to start with the most important issue. You may not get to all of the issues at that moment, so bring the others up at a later time.

People who can't handle confrontation of any kind whether it is loud or quiet will always find something to do, walk out of a room, or find something else to talk about. They are hoping that you will forget about what you had to discuss with them, but don't. We live in a world where there will be war and rumors of war, but all can be avoided if people just allowed one another to make their point be it loud or soft whether you agree or disagree. Some talking is always better than no talking. However, when things become heated, take a break, but do come back to the table and finish your discussion. Avoiding conflict will not get any results for you or the one you love.

Nicholl McGuire

12 Things to Know Before Starting Your Next Sexual Relationship

These days you may find yourself pondering on having sex with your new friend. There is something special about he or she and you may be starting to fall in love. It is a wonderful feeling knowing that this person may be "the one", but do you really know him or her? What could you possibly be risking in the future by having sex now? The following tips may help you decide whether having sex right now is really a good idea.

1. Know the person's first, middle and last name.

Although this tip may seem obvious, you would be surprised at how many people have sex with someone and are unsure whether they have a middle name, what there last name could be and whether the first name is their birth name.

2. Find out where they were born, where they currently live and where do their closest relatives live.

Let's say an emergency occurs while you are with he or she and they are unable to speak. What would you say if the police asked you, "Where does your friend live and can you get in contact with his or her relatives? It would be very embarrassing if you couldn't answer these two simple questions.

3. Know more than one phone number to reach them, and an email address (if they have one.)

Think about the future. Many situations may arise and a secondary phone number may be extremely helpful. Whether you or they have a concern or need to be contacted by family and friends, people should know where to find you.

4. Ask questions about where they work and how long they have been employed.

The good times don't last for long, so it may be to your benefit in the future to know whether they are employed or not and where. If you ever have to serve them with court documents and can't reach them at home, you will be able to contact them at work. Worse case scenario, if you ever need help from the police, they will know where to find him or her. This is also helpful information to determine whether they are hoping to use you as a future meal ticket.

5. Find out when was the last time they visited a doctor and a dentist.

This is important for your own health and safety. Don't have sex with someone who can't seem to keep up with his or her doctor's appointments. They may have a disease that has yet to surface.

6. Be certain they are or aren't ready for a family.

Women have been known to get pregnant rather quickly in a new relationship simply because they may be more likely to let their guard down when they are attracted to a new mate. If you know you aren't ready for a family, take the initiative and bring your own contraception. This way you know it hasn't been tampered with prior to having sex.

7. Be prepared to reveal your sexual history.

When you start asking question about his or her sexual history, know that yours will also be called into question. Tell the truth. He or she doesn't need to know how many partners you have been involved or that you have been seeing a psychiatrist for sexual abuse, but he or she does have the right to know if you have a sexually transmitted disease. If you take the time to explain what you have and how he or she can protect themselves, you may be surprised he or she may still want to have sex. It is unfair not to tell. If you want a relationship built on trust and honesty, then tell the truth.

8. Encourage them to talk about the people they are most often in contact.

You can do this by asking the following questions: Who is their best male or female friend(s)? How often do they hang out with their friends? Where does he or she like to go? Do they keep in contact with old classmates from high school and college? Are they affiliated with any professional or social organizations? Do they go on business meetings with female co-workers, often work late and attend happy hour with his or her friends? The plan here is to find out how serious they are when it comes to a relationship. They may have friends they enjoy having a little more than an occasional lunch date.

9. Know whether he or she has been married before, divorced and has children.

He or she may have marital problems, but still live with their spouse. They may also be separated, but not officially divorced. What would happen if after you had sex, you decided you wanted to marry, but he or she is still married? If he or she has children, consider whether or not you want to be a future step-parent.

10. Ask questions about family history.

Make a note of patterns of alcohol, drug, physical and verbal abuse amongst the family as well as mental issues. There is a good possibility that he or she may be severely impacted by their family history. Also, you may want to consider asking questions about religious and political affiliations. You don't want to have a relationship with anyone who is unwilling to settle or compromise when it comes to your beliefs. Avoid unnecessary trouble in your life by seeking relationships that you know you will not have to change the things that you do and say that build your self-esteem and overall make you happy!

11. Be sure you have a good idea of his or her daily routine.

What is a typical day like for them? Do they usually work and come home the same time everyday? Do they visit their family through the week or on weekends? Are they outgoing or a homebody? How often do they eat and usually what time of day? What you are looking for when you are making observations are patterns. You don't want to ask too many questions that you could find the answers just by watching. The last thing you want is for them to make false assumptions about you. Part of getting to know someone is knowing what their schedule usually is like from one day to the next. This way if you begin to see a series of patterns that are different from the usual, you will be able to detect whether he or she is telling you the truth about their life when they aren't in your presence.

12. Notice the details of his or her vehicle such as the gas tank whether it is often full or empty and how much money he or she spends or saves.

When ever you get in his or her car notice if the gas tank is full or often empty, he or she either is forgetful or just doesn't have the money to keep the tank full. Observe the detail of the car and how it runs. A man or woman who can't maintain their only means of transportation is struggling with money.

Also, listen to the kinds of restaurants and entertainment facilities he or she suggests you both visit as well as places he or she may have traveled. You will be able to make the determination whether you have something in common. In addition, you will also learn whether you can afford to go out with his or her type.

When you take a moment to ponder these issues prior to sex, you will save yourself years of heartache. Think of how quickly you will be able to determine whether this person is irresponsible, a liar, flirt, gold-digger, an abuser, or other things that could cause future relationship problems. As you have heard, sex complicates the relationship particularly when you have it prematurely. You may learn more about this person simply by giving yourself time to observe his or her behaviors, know family and friends, and most of all build trust!

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