How to Know If You Are Dating an Abuser

So, you have met someone in a club, in the park or you and him/her were introduced by a friend. You have gone out with that person on a couple of dates and that person seems so perfect, so right! You decide to take this dating to the next level, so you start a relationship with this person. After months of seeing this person, you decide to move in with him/her; next thing you know, you are being abused by that person.

You can evade this whole scenario every time you go out on a date and trust that person that you are considering having a serious relationship with. Remember, many people are not honest about who they are until they are in deep in a relationship. Now, you should not be scared when it comes to dating but you should be careful, here are some tips on how to spot an abuser.
You can spot an abuser on your first 3-5 dates with that person, as long as you listen correctly. A date is all about knowing a person, not their whole life but at least the most important details and what makes them who they are. If that person is over aggressive and hateful, than there is your first sign that he/she is an abuser. An aggressive person tends to fight and hurt other people when they are simply arguing; their reason is that they cannot control their actions or their emotions. A hateful person is likely to abuse another person because after a while, that person will look at you with hate and disgust, no matter who you are, a hateful person gets tired of the same people in his/her life pretty quickly.

Another sign is when that person hears you spill out your whole life in those first couple of dates but that person barely tells you about his/her past. Maybe the person will tell you about his former job, his past friends or something about his mom or dad; but they don't tell you why they are single if they seem like such a good person. 99% of abusers are not going to tell you that they are an abuser, they wait for you to find out for yourself, then they spill out their life's story, when it is too late. That is why you have to spot the signs and keep your eye open.

One last sign is when that person is overly jealous, you look across the room in a restaurant or you talk to someone walking down the street and the person you are with jumps at you like an angry lion or he/she looks at you with a mean eye. That means that the person you are dating will be abusing you for anything that looks threatening to him/her. Jealousy comes from threats, when you talk to someone that looks better than the person you are with, that is a threat and the person you are with will get jealous. Remember, as long as it is a date, you are still able to talk to whomever you want to talk to.

If a person you are seeing has any of these signs, then throw him/her out the door because that person is not the one you want to spend your life with. Many people are abused in the United States and many are afraid to say anything, you have to be careful when you date someone so you don't end up hurt or even worse than that.

About The Author

Alexis Lopez is a proud father of three and one more on the way. He likes giving advice to those who seek it and to those who need it. Alex's wife Camille helps him out with his advice and his websites on the internet. He also has a love for making short fiction stories and science.

Seven Things You Can Do Today to Become a Better Wife

Having problems in your relationship? Are you the one who is to blame for the majority of the issues that have recently surfaced in your marriage? Maybe it was a mood swing contributed to PMS or menopause or maybe you have been really stressed out lately. If so, then the following tips will help you make some quick improvements in your marriage, before your man starts thinking you are no longer interested in him.

1) Overcrowding your husband's personal space? If you have been breathing down his neck on a variety of issues and not seeing any results and he has told you to back off, why aren't you doing it? Then again, maybe you are so in love with him that you want to know his every move, of course he will understand, right? Wrong, give him some space and let him come to you with his problems, issues, or confessions of how much he loves you from time to time.

2) Have you been dying to tell him about what happened to you each day at work, home, or school? You may think you are doing a wonderful thing by telling him everything when you feel like talking. However, you may want to find out if when you are ready to talk is a good time for him to listen. Time the conversations you plan with him better to achieve undivided attention.

3) Praise doesn't just work for children and animals it works for men too. If you want to see him smile, even a little bit, show you care by looking into his eyes ever so affectionately, and saying, "Thank you. I really appreciated what you have done for me." Thank you can also be expressed by turning on the game for him whether he listens to it in the car or watches it on the television. Buying a small token of appreciation such as a favorite snack will also make him feel you care.

4) If you have been married for years or a recently wedded, then you should know by now whether your husband is a great help around the house or your worst nightmare. So if you know these things, why anticipate your husband will always help you with cleaning and organizing the house? Most men will do tasks in unexpected spurts. Meaning today they may be in the mood to do everything you ask, and then won't be willing again until days, weeks or even months later. You will have to plan how you will get other tasks done between now and when he is in the mood again. Even if it means you will have to hire someone to do it. If he doesn't want to spend the money, then he will have to do it and if he doesn't you will have to teach him a lesson, particularly if you make your own money. He will just have to receive one less gift for his birthday and Christmas.

5) Many women nowadays work just like men do; therefore, there are more and more women who don't cook just like men do. Although it seems fair, many men still want their women to cater to them. If you know that you can't cook and your man is raving about another woman's cooking even if it is his mother, you should take the time and do some research on how to cook. It doesn't have to be his favorite meal, because you risk being compared to another woman's skill, but it should be something that both of you have eaten in the past at a restaurant. The quickest way to a man's heart is still through his stomach.

6) There are still mothers threatening to tell their children's father for wrongdoing. The last thing he wants to hear is a list of your concerns regarding the children when he gets off of work. Sometimes for serious offenses you will have to speak with him immediately. However, many aren't that important. Don't always wait on him to discipline and teach the children.

7) Some women can rain firestorms on their men when they are angry at them. Are you one of them? If so, the quickest way to push your man into the arms of another woman or in some cases another man is to yell and name call during disagreements. Try to stick to the topic that makes you angry and express how it impacts you and everything around the two of you. If he is at fault, ask him how he intends to solve the matter and what you intend to do if he doesn't. If you truly love him like you say you do, you will make yourself communicate with him using a respectful tone that you would use if he was your boss.

Take some quiet time and consider anything your mate has told you he doesn't like and work to stop old habits. You will need to be reminded by him, family or friends of what it is you are doing that is causing problems in your household. Anything that is being done which affects everyone around you may need more than just will power and it is up to you to make the doctor's appointment, read a book about your problem area, and/or seek the counseling you need to change.

When you find that you are making great strides in becoming a better wife, don't expect him to be a better husband. You may tell him about the things that bother you; however if he isn't willing to become a better husband, you are in this alone. Instead, you should secretly hope and pray that by him watching your positive actions, he will want to change. Remember change is a process it doesn't happen overnight.

Nicholl McGuire

12 Things to Know Before Starting Your Next Sexual Relationship

These days you may find yourself pondering on having sex with your new friend. There is something special about he or she and you may be starting to fall in love. It is a wonderful feeling knowing that this person may be "the one", but do you really know him or her? What could you possibly be risking in the future by having sex now? The following tips may help you decide whether having sex right now is really a good idea.

1. Know the person's first, middle and last name.

Although this tip may seem obvious, you would be surprised at how many people have sex with someone and are unsure whether they have a middle name, what there last name could be and whether the first name is their birth name.

2. Find out where they were born, where they currently live and where do their closest relatives live.

Let's say an emergency occurs while you are with he or she and they are unable to speak. What would you say if the police asked you, "Where does your friend live and can you get in contact with his or her relatives? It would be very embarrassing if you couldn't answer these two simple questions.

3. Know more than one phone number to reach them, and an email address (if they have one.)

Think about the future. Many situations may arise and a secondary phone number may be extremely helpful. Whether you or they have a concern or need to be contacted by family and friends, people should know where to find you.

4. Ask questions about where they work and how long they have been employed.

The good times don't last for long, so it may be to your benefit in the future to know whether they are employed or not and where. If you ever have to serve them with court documents and can't reach them at home, you will be able to contact them at work. Worse case scenario, if you ever need help from the police, they will know where to find him or her. This is also helpful information to determine whether they are hoping to use you as a future meal ticket.

5. Find out when was the last time they visited a doctor and a dentist.

This is important for your own health and safety. Don't have sex with someone who can't seem to keep up with his or her doctor's appointments. They may have a disease that has yet to surface.

6. Be certain they are or aren't ready for a family.

Women have been known to get pregnant rather quickly in a new relationship simply because they may be more likely to let their guard down when they are attracted to a new mate. If you know you aren't ready for a family, take the initiative and bring your own contraception. This way you know it hasn't been tampered with prior to having sex.

7. Be prepared to reveal your sexual history.

When you start asking question about his or her sexual history, know that yours will also be called into question. Tell the truth. He or she doesn't need to know how many partners you have been involved or that you have been seeing a psychiatrist for sexual abuse, but he or she does have the right to know if you have a sexually transmitted disease. If you take the time to explain what you have and how he or she can protect themselves, you may be surprised he or she may still want to have sex. It is unfair not to tell. If you want a relationship built on trust and honesty, then tell the truth.

8. Encourage them to talk about the people they are most often in contact.

You can do this by asking the following questions: Who is their best male or female friend(s)? How often do they hang out with their friends? Where does he or she like to go? Do they keep in contact with old classmates from high school and college? Are they affiliated with any professional or social organizations? Do they go on business meetings with female co-workers, often work late and attend happy hour with his or her friends? The plan here is to find out how serious they are when it comes to a relationship. They may have friends they enjoy having a little more than an occasional lunch date.

9. Know whether he or she has been married before, divorced and has children.

He or she may have marital problems, but still live with their spouse. They may also be separated, but not officially divorced. What would happen if after you had sex, you decided you wanted to marry, but he or she is still married? If he or she has children, consider whether or not you want to be a future step-parent.

10. Ask questions about family history.

Make a note of patterns of alcohol, drug, physical and verbal abuse amongst the family as well as mental issues. There is a good possibility that he or she may be severely impacted by their family history. Also, you may want to consider asking questions about religious and political affiliations. You don't want to have a relationship with anyone who is unwilling to settle or compromise when it comes to your beliefs. Avoid unnecessary trouble in your life by seeking relationships that you know you will not have to change the things that you do and say that build your self-esteem and overall make you happy!

11. Be sure you have a good idea of his or her daily routine.

What is a typical day like for them? Do they usually work and come home the same time everyday? Do they visit their family through the week or on weekends? Are they outgoing or a homebody? How often do they eat and usually what time of day? What you are looking for when you are making observations are patterns. You don't want to ask too many questions that you could find the answers just by watching. The last thing you want is for them to make false assumptions about you. Part of getting to know someone is knowing what their schedule usually is like from one day to the next. This way if you begin to see a series of patterns that are different from the usual, you will be able to detect whether he or she is telling you the truth about their life when they aren't in your presence.

12. Notice the details of his or her vehicle such as the gas tank whether it is often full or empty and how much money he or she spends or saves.

When ever you get in his or her car notice if the gas tank is full or often empty, he or she either is forgetful or just doesn't have the money to keep the tank full. Observe the detail of the car and how it runs. A man or woman who can't maintain their only means of transportation is struggling with money.

Also, listen to the kinds of restaurants and entertainment facilities he or she suggests you both visit as well as places he or she may have traveled. You will be able to make the determination whether you have something in common. In addition, you will also learn whether you can afford to go out with his or her type.

When you take a moment to ponder these issues prior to sex, you will save yourself years of heartache. Think of how quickly you will be able to determine whether this person is irresponsible, a liar, flirt, gold-digger, an abuser, or other things that could cause future relationship problems. As you have heard, sex complicates the relationship particularly when you have it prematurely. You may learn more about this person simply by giving yourself time to observe his or her behaviors, know family and friends, and most of all build trust!

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Dating a Victim of Domestic Violence? What You Should Know and How You Can Help

Her abusive boyfriend from the past cheated, lied, robbed, raped, abused, and misused her. When you first laid eyes on this gorgeous woman, the last thing you thought was you would be inheriting her wounds from yesteryear. Yet, you did and now you feel at times stuck with both his and her mess. You aren't ready to break up with this woman you love, but you can't see a future with her either. So what do you do about this past baggage that tends to show up on days that you think everything is perfectly okay? The following tips should help you get some peace of mind, reach a decision about the relationship, and help you help her to heal.

There is a big difference between a woman who calls herself a victim of domestic violence and one who calls herself a survivor. The survivor most likely has evolved from her experience and shows no signs of having ever been a victim. She has received the support she needed to move on and has taken the necessary changes to live her life to the fullest. However, a victim has not, will not, or doesn't know how to get pass the experience. She may even still call herself, "a victim." Somehow she continues to play the victim in her words and actions with every challenge that comes before her. She hasn't bothered to get the help she needs, and you may be her only counselor.

Women who have been abused don't necessarily get over everything they have gone through in the past. Some of the residue still remains. She may have some strange behaviors that tend to pop up every now and then. If he robbed her, she is possessive about her belongings. If he raped her, then she may have sexual problems. If he choked or smothered her, she may have problems sleeping at night or you touching, staring, or standing over her her while she sleeps. If he lied about his whereabouts a lot, then she will be bothered when you don't say where you are going and how long you will be gone. If he cheated, then she won't trust you when you say "...that woman is just a friend." If he kept her from seeing or talking to family or friends, then she now feels obligated to tell them everything and not pass up an opportunity to attend a family gathering. If he expected her to report to him about everything she does, then she may tell you more than you ever needed or wanted to know or do the complete opposite and appear secretive. If he beat her, then she may flinch if you playfully try to grab her. These are only a small list of some of the things that trigger her misunderstood behaviors.

She may also have some phobias as a result of being in such a life threatening relationship. She may be afraid to go to certain places, avoid certain people and discussions that remind her of her abuser. She may have trust issues because of the many times her abuser violated her. She may not be as affectionate as other women you may have been involved. She may also have problems with budgeting because her abuser may have been very controlling with the finances or she may be domineering about the finances herself. There will be those times that she will appear very strong-minded and other times where she will be extremely sensitive over the simplest of issues. However, despite all of these issues, many women who have been in abusive relationships do well in society. They find the strength to get over many personal obstacles and oftentimes help others see things in relationships that their relatives and friends may have otherwise overlooked.

Going back to the issue of trust, your partner isn't always mindful of her trust issues. You may think that she is deliberately making your life a living hell with all her questions, but some women do this without thinking. They may not have been "called out" on their insecurities prior to meeting you so how do you expect her to be self-aware? If she calls you too much to "check up on you" then say so and let her know you won't always be available to answer her call, if it makes her feel better, let her know when you will be available to talk. If that still doesn't help, and you just so happen to miss calling her, remind her that she should be treating you like how she wants to be treated. Disrespecting you will not be tolerated no matter how many times she tried to call you and you weren't available.

Too often men put themselves in situations that call their character into question such as going out with other women without telling the woman they have made their partner, hiding details of their whereabouts, not being available emotionally, making important decisions without their mate, lying when asked simple questions, etc. When you are with someone who has had an abusive background, she will be more sensitive to what you are doing than most women, because she most likely dealt with these issues with her abuser. You can be a big help to her emotionally by doing two simple things: keep promises and be honest. Let her know what your relationship boundaries are before you think about committing to her for the long-term. An example would be telling her that you don't want the kind of relationship where she acts like your mother rather than a girlfriend. Then list specific examples of the behaviors that are turning you off.

Communication is important in any relationship regardless of what type of experience someone has had prior to entering a new relationship. Without it, you will have trust issues, arguments, repeated break ups and so on. As soon as an issue comes up that bothers you, talk it over in a respectful manner. If she loves you, she will respect you and if you love her you will return the respect.

Being with someone who has been abused requires some degree of patience. You will have to allow her to get to know you through her making mistakes. She may have forgotten that you don't like a certain thing she does, forgive and forget. She may have checked up on something you said you had completed, don't be so easily offended. Be open to mistakes and allow her to learn from them. If you find that she is consistently doing something that is robbing you of feelings for her, then before you break up with her, talk to her about it. See if she can meet you half way, and then sit back and watch her behavior to see if anything changes, if not, then you will have to make the decision to end the relationship. Don't create a scene or do something to get her to break up with you, the last thing you need is a domestic violence situation yourself.

Some formerly abused women tend to be overbearing at times. This may be due to feeling powerless in their past abusive relationship. They want things to go their way, they expect others to do what they say when they say it, they yell instead of talk, and most of all they can be extremely demanding, because they are hard on themselves due to someone being hard on them. When you find your mate is acting this way, once again you will have to talk to them about how it makes you feel, ask them to stop certain mannerisms, and if you are not living with them at the time, don't. Until she understands how you feel about her behavior and have made some serious changes, you will not want to live under her rule. These women have not allowed themselves enough time to heal and they are better off living alone.

Another major concern about women who have not healed from their abusive past is that they may be hiding the fact that they may be equally abusive. Some women turn into abusers themselves. She may have cut herself, threatened to hurt you in some way. If she has children or a pet, you will be able to see signs of whether she is abusive to them. If the children and pet tend to act afraid of her, most likely she has been violent toward them. Look for recent bruises and scars on the children along their face, neck, arms, and legs. Watch how the animal walks, he may have been repeatedly kicked by her and the children. If you are in her home, look for damaged walls and furniture. Sometimes children are responsible for the mess in the home, and if so, then ask yourself the question, "Why would the children ruin the house?" They may be affected by the past or the past is still going on and she just hasn't said anything about it.

Not every woman who has been in an abusive relationship has gone through professional counseling. So be mindful of how she reacts when put under stress, the way she talks to you, and how she handles conflict. If you don't pay close attention to the warning signs, then you will be inheriting an abuser yourself along with her abusive children. Instead of being her lover, be a friend and direct her to some help and if you are spiritual, pray for her and invite her (and the children) to your church, but whatever you do, don't make her feel ashamed for what she has done, belittle, or disrespect her, she has already had enough of that kind of behavior from her abuser.

Nicholl McGuire maintains other blogs including: Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and Tips Dating Older Men, Younger Women