Learn More About Your Date Without Jumping Into Bed

If you made the mistake once, you most likely made it more times than you can count, take a date home with you only to have sex and then afterward ask yourself, "Do I really know her/him?"

It is such a let down when you find out you really don't have too much in common with your date after far too many episodes of sexing it up then meeting parents, moving in together, a possible proposal, a pregnancy, and more.  You feel like running away, ending it all because, "I should have...I could have...I wish I had..." a little too late when mistakes are already made, some you just have to live with.  But how does one minimize the regrets in a new relationship?

One.  Keep dates out of your apartment/home for as long as you can.

The day you opened that door and let her/him "to stay awhile" is the day that you said, "Let's have sex."  Whether you verbalized it or not at some point he or she is going to expect some action in your bedroom.  Remind yourself, "I don't really know my date well enough to share a glass of water much less a bed together!"

Two.  Don't plan an intimate vacation together that includes a hotel room.

At some point in the relationship one or both of you will want to go somewhere out of town, but is it necessary to room together?  Why awaken something between you two that has yet to fully develop?  Are you seriously considering a committed relationship with this person?  What if she becomes pregnant?  What if he has an incurable STD?  Think before you sleep!

Three.  Value time alone.

Spending time alone helps you think about many things as it relates to your date.  You can prepare questions, conduct research, talk to others about this person, and plan for fun things to do that don't involve a bed.

Here are some things you can do that will not only be interesting, but will help you determine whether your date is compatible with you.

Let's say you like sporting events, then offer to take your date to a game, but watch her/his reaction and then use the opportunity to find out if he/she is a couch potato, beer drinking, loud mouth who doesn't miss a game.  With that information, you will know what most weekends will look like when the newness of the relationship wears off.

Invite this person to a crowded venue.  Use the people atmosphere as a test to see how he or she handles being around others.  Does it irritate him or her that there is so much activity happening around you both?  Does he or she act strange around crowds?  When you see the behavior is odd maybe this person might not do well when you invite him or her to your professional events.

Consider taking a class together.  This is a good way to know whether or not your date is sincerely open to learning new things.  If he or she complains a lot, acts impatient, and often tells you, "I don't like..." then find out what he or she likes and suggest you two take a class together in that too on a later date.  Then compare how he or she behaves between the two classes.  This will also help you find out more about him or her in an environment he or she enjoys and whether or not you could tolerate your date's interest in a committed, long term relationship.

Bring your date to a family event.  Can your date do well amongst curious, bold talking relatives who only want to protect you?

From the grocery store to the library, there are many places you could go together to learn more about one another's interests.  When you look beyond the bedroom, you just might discover things about your date you would have most likely overlooked had you been intimate.  Pay attention to his or her facial expressions when interacting with others.  Notice how he or she dresses and smells when going out with you.  Mix up settings so you get a good idea how he or she dresses for each.  Test this person who might one day be your wife or husband.  Ask a controversial question, make a bold statement about one's views, and question immoral decision-making.

When one is considering someone to be in their lives in the most intimate way, he or she needs to know what is a date bringing or not bringing to the table.  Establish your boundaries early.  Don't give into tempting situations just because your date says, "It's okay...I like you...I love are the best date I ever had...I want to marry you...I will give you money to help you with your problem...I care."  All of these statements are nothing more than lures when one chooses to ignore your boundaries so that he or she can get sex.  Remind this person of your boundaries and mean what you say.  If he or she respects your wishes, then who knows, your date might be a keeper!

Nicholl McGuire

Read more of her work at



5 Things You Seriously Want to Think About When It Comes to Relationship Challenges

When you are in love, you don't want to think about the "what ifs" when it comes to the future of your relationship, rather all you want to do is bask in the glory of being loved and loving!  You don't want anyone telling you anything either, for fear that they might bring a negative energy to your partnership.

For now, you might simply believe that your new lover is much better, nicer, sweeter, etc. then that last one.  But the truth of the matter is, maybe this person is better, but you haven't changed much if not at all.  You are still that person you were who your last partner complained about "...not ever having this, not ever wanting to do that, and why are you always...?"  Maybe for now you are doing certain things for your partner, because you want to make a good impression, but sooner or later that old person in you is going to show up (that is unless you have a faith and feel accountable to the Lord then you might suppress him/her).  When the old man/woman shows up within you, the one you are currently with is going to ask, "Who is this person I am seeing?"  He or she is going to temporarily feel let down until you do something to make him or her stay in love with you.  Your new sweetheart will most likely tell you about "how you made me feel...when you said/did that..." and depending on how much your old man/woman within has done, who knows, your lover might even break up with you.

Now that you are feeling a little concerned, and possibly a tad-bit perturbed that someone is giving you a reality check when you rather be in a fantasy world, keep the following points in mind.  I promise you, I will stay relatively positive.

1.  You are flawed and so is your lover.  Knowing this, embrace him/her even when they don't make you feel your best.  Also, know what you are willing to put up with and what you simply will not.  Be clear and polite when explaining your boundaries, but be open to forgive when he or she messes up.

2.  Don't over-analyze every frown, negative disposition, or tone in one's voice.  There is no way that someone will always meet, greet and answer you in a polite way.  People have good days and bad days and you just have to learn to be understanding.  Chances are his or her issue has nothing to do with you.  Remember this person in your life has others who might impact him or her in a negative way.  When you see your partner is feeling down simply ask, "Is there anything I can do?"  Don't allow pride, a busy schedule or other things keep you from being in tuned to your partner's needs.

3.  Know that just because your family and friends have good relationships doesn't mean that they will always be that way.  Sometimes we like to brag about what someone else has as if somehow we are impressing the one that we are with while hoping that we will have the same longevity in our relationships.  But remember, you are not that lovely couple down the street (and I'm sure your partner doesn't want to be compared to another man or woman either). Further, you don't really know how that couple behaves with one another behind closed doors (see my blog Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate).  So mind your own business and work to make your own relationship something special!

4.  What you want isn't necessarily what your partner wants.  I know that as much as we would like to have most things in common with our partners, most often that just isn't going to happen.  Therefore, don't assume that he or she wants the same meal he or she ordered the last time, likes the same movies and music, and prefers to stay at home every weekend.  If you sincerely love and respect this person, you will at times step out of your comfort zone and ask, "So what would you like to do? What would you like to order?"

5.  Your relationship might be temporary.  There is the possibility that your lover/friend/partner may be moving at a slower pace when it comes to things like: marriage, love, trust, forgiveness, and other things that are significant to the foundation of a relationship, with these things in mind, don't force, coerce, manipulate, or go to God thinking that he will supernaturally come down and make this person move faster, act better, or be all that you want him or her to be.  Remember, if your partner is not totally committed to wanting to be with you, and only you, then this relationship just might be temporary.

Now before you start worrying about the future of your relationship, consider this, you are learning and growing and you can take all that you are experiencing right now in your relationship and treat it like a lemon, make lemonade out of it!  Lemonade is sweet, healthy and helps quench your thirst when you are hot.  Drink until you can't drink anymore.  Once the lemonade runs out, either go make some more or call it quits--either way you got something out of it.  God bless.

Nicholl McGuire is this blog owner and author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic

She's Crazy by Nicholl McGuire

She's Crazy by Nicholl McGuire
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