Dates - On Talking Negatively about the Exes - relationships

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Why Your Boyfriend Talks To Everyone But You

When it comes to the things that matter in his life, you notice he is talking to everyone but you.  When exactly you noticed his behavior doesn’t matter, he could have suddenly acted this way or he could have gradually became distant.  All you know is that he is different and you need some help analyzing why, so that you can put your plan B into motion, that is if you have one.  So review the signs that follow then create a plan for yourself and/ or relationship that will bring you love and peace.

In the beginning of the relationship he was “all smiles” with you.  He shared stories of his daily events, how you made him feel, and future plans of how he hoped to spend life with you.  Nowadays he isn’t saying much more than a “hello” and a “goodbye.”  Here’s what may have happened.  Use this list of possibilities to start a conversation with your boyfriend.

He doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you.  There may have been moments where he said or did something that upset you in the past.  He may worry that you will “blow up” or say something that will hurt his feelings, so he rather keep to himself.

Someone started advising him about his life choices.  He could have met you at the bar, found a minimum wage job, failed to pay a relative back, got someone pregnant and didn’t care for the child, or did something else that someone felt they had to confront him about.  Don’t think for one minute men don’t share how they feel about their girlfriends or wives with other people.  A man always has at least one person, maybe as many as four or more people he consults with for advice on the things that matter to him the most: his girl, money, health and sports.  Whoever this person(s) is they have told him some things that have motivated him to do or not do something about the choices he has made in his life or made him feel guilty.  Whatever he has done, he is trying to figure out a way to fix it and he doesn’t feel comfortable talking with you about it, because it may involve you.

An ex came back on the scene.  She made a significant impact on his heart and mind in the past.  She may come back just to see how happy he really is and to shake things up a bit with questions such as “Do you still love me?  What if we would have never broken up?  I realize the mistakes I made, do you want to try again?  How about meeting me for lunch?”

He had disagreements with you that he couldn’t get over.  Some men will keep everything inside for fear of being viewed as “the bad guy.”  How people see them is more important to them, then sharing what they feel.  Rather than explaining to you what it is that made him change toward you, he will wait for you to pull it out of him.  Then later become more upset that “you made him angry.”  If he could have shared what was bothering him, then you wouldn’t have had to use extreme measures to extract information like yell your head off!

His friends have made him the butt of some of their jokes.  Single men are jealous of their married friends.  They will talk about all the benefits of being single in front of their friends, but at night when they are all alone, they will wish for a steady mate.  Your boyfriend may have been criticized for being smitten with you.  They may have accused him of “changing” or “not coming around as much” since you have come into his life.

He took out the calculator one day and saw you as an expense.  Business minded men with goals have a way of looking at the big picture.  When he decided to include some additional goals in his life plan, he figured that the money he was spending on you, he could be saving hence the change of attitude and heart.

He has a health issue that he isn’t ready to talk to you about.  His last doctor’s appointment may have included some news he didn’t want to hear.  Depending on his age, he may be going through a mid life crisis.  If he is in denial, then he can’t talk about it and if he isn’t then for some men, they won’t.

He cheated and now he feels guilty.  Struggling with trying to find the words to say and trying to make sense of those lustful feelings, he won’t be very talkative or maybe too talkative about everything but what is on his mind.

He has new interests, hobbies, and goals that are occupying his thoughts.  Taking up a new hobby or job is exciting and if he thinks that you aren’t that excited about his new venture, he’s not going to share any information about it.

His job or schooling has become increasingly more stressful.  No one likes to share feelings when they are stressed.  It takes time to unwind, process new feelings, and then talk about them.  In time, when he is ready he will share what he may be going through at work or school.  Be supportive.

He has learned something about you that he doesn’t like.  Hopefully you were honest about your life to him.  No one should have to tell your life’s story for you, but if they have then you may want to find out what he knows.

He either isn’t in love with you or doesn’t love you anymore.  To this all you can do is look out for yourself.  When you have created the opportunity for him to tell you how he feels and he doesn’t come clean, spends time blaming you, accuses you of “not allowing him to speak” or “that’s why I can’t talk to you,” and using other phrases to digress from the topic at hand, leave him be.  He isn’t worth wasting any more time.  Move on with your life and next time pay better attention in the beginning of the relationship to the following warning signs:  dishonesty about his past life, avoidance of topics that he would have to share how he feels, covers up who he is talking to or where he is going, protective of personal documents, and suddenly or gradually becomes distant (meaning not being intimate, conversing with you, buying gifts or doing anything to make the relationship better even after being told about the problems.)

The only way that you can get to the bottom of why your boyfriend doesn’t talk to you is to communicate.  Start off by sharing information with him about what you have noticed.  Tell him how it makes you feel.  Wait for a response.  If you don’t agree with what he is telling you, then say so.  Some men will say things just to pacify you or keep you from finding out what really bothers them.  Don’t allow him to make you feel like a trouble- maker.  When some men don’t want to talk, they make accusations and place blame just to upset you and get you off their back.  If things become too heated, retreat and come back another time.  However, if you have made many attempts to extract information and he still chooses to keep what really is bothering him to himself, then you will have to resort to giving ultimatums at the risk of ending the relationship.  Do what makes you feel at peace and don’t give up until you get what you want.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.

Life after Dating, Relationship - What the Future Holds?

You might have made up in your mind this is the last relationship, last date, last friends with benefits arrangement, last marriage, or cheating you will do with someone.  But what happens when you are officially done with this connection?  What might replace the void left behind?

Sometimes people end up going back to unfulfilling connections once they are so-called over, because they never bothered to consider what might bring peace to them long after the thrill has gone with someone.  It isn't too soon to start thinking about the break up, your new life, and what the future holds for you.  When you are truly ready to make something your last, you either will stick with him or her or let that person go altogether.  Your mind is only going to get along or go along with someone before it screams one day, "Now why are we in this?  Don't I deserve better?"  "Better" doesn't come from another  human being it comes from within. 

If I want "better" anything I am going to make the kind of choices that will make me feel better and most likely I am going to think long term.  Short term connections just don't cut it.  Long term connections filled with drama don't better you either.  Being better and doing better comes from a mindset that no longer wants to settle for people, places, and things that don't aid us toward our goals to betterment personally and professionally.

Life after dating or a relationship is what you choose to make it!  What do you most want to accomplish?  Redirect your focus on that rather than an undesirable connection or a pessimistic person who is more down on most days than up.  What have you been telling others you really want to do?  Have you been doing anything to make personal dreams a reality?

Depending on who you connect yourself with will determine whether you will ever achieve your personal goals.  A person who knows how to move out the way and let you fly can be a great friend, but a poor marriage partner.  He or she might give up much for you, but become difficult if you don't return the favor.  A mate who is often disputing what you say or do and doesn't bother to connect you with on an emotional or physical level unless you initiate contact is a selfish person and a burden.  It isn't difficult to predict what a future might look like if you carry difficult, selfish, or mean-spirited people along your life journey.

If you can't see yourself doing what you are doing right now in less than five years, then it is okay to start disconnecting yourself from who or what might be negatively impacting you.  If all seems to be alright and you don't find the person you are with nothing more than an added benefit, then great.  However, do think about what you are contributing to the relationship that makes him or her feel good.  But if you are honest with yourself and you find that you take more than you give, it is safe to say this person might be thinking about a life in the near future without you.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of She's Crazy and Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.

What You Need To Know About Dating Interracially

Whether he or she is Caucasian, African American, Mexican, Chinese, Korean, Filipino, or something in between you need to be understanding of one’s culture and be prepared for how society will treat you both.

When one is in love there are no color issues.  He or she only sees a person who is kind, considerate, loving, sweet, beautiful, and everything he or she has wanted and more.  They couple might fantasize about getting married one day and having children.  It’s easy to feel this way behind closed doors, sitting in a car with steamy windows, or living in a neighborhood where people don’t think twice about an interracial couple.  However, what happens when you make your pledge of love to your significant in front of God, family and country? 

Not everyone will be celebrating your new relationship.  Some will smile in your face and talk about you and your mate behind your back.  To this statement, most couples will say, “So what?”  Family and friends’ reactions to your news may not bother you when you don’t need them, but what happens when daddy is the one who is in control of your trust fund, mommy is paying for your college, and your grandparents have been babysitting your children from a previous relationship while you have your fun?  Things are going to get interesting when they don’t approve.

Why is it that some people don’t approve of interracial relationships?  To answer this question simply, they are fearful of the unknown or what they have heard.  If you know nothing about a race of people and they look, possibly smell and talk different than you, it isn’t easy for everyone to embrace them right away.  Worse yet, if those who are close to you do know something about a particular race of people based on what someone told them or a negative experience they may have had with a single person or group, they may not have gotten over it.  Of course, that isn’t your problem, that is theirs, but it will become your problem if you rely on them or if you choose to have children later in life.  You will have to relinquish the power they may have over you such as relying on their money and be mindful of what they may say negative to your children due to their ignorance.  Take a moment to reflect back on the things they may have said when you were a child about other races, not everyone changes with time.

The following tips may assist you with breaking the news about your interracial relationship if you haven’t already and how to react to any negativity you may experience afterward.

Be sure to be on one accord with your mate before you meet one another’s families.  In other words, if you two already have personal challenges in relating to one another due to cultural differences, you need to get those issues handled.  Learning new things about someone and how they handle debates is hard enough, then you throw in an upcoming meeting with potentially ignorant individuals and that could be disastrous.  Know each other and discuss how you both will deal with negative comments, jokes and questions as a team, not as individuals.  Family and friends will be observing whether the two of you really have a united front or are you two just temporarily lusting after one another.

Ask questions that you hadn’t thought to talk about with your mate before you visit family and friends.  If you heard something about a type of food his or her culture supposedly eats, find out if that information applies to them.  For instance, there are African Americans that don’t like watermelon and Chinese people who rather eat a McDonald’s hamburger then a bowl of rice.  Never assume anything, always ask questions.

Tell a few big mouth family members or friends in advance before you come to their home with your mate.  They will be sure to spread the news like wildfire.  You don’t need to use your mate to shock anyone, sometimes people aren’t careful what they say or do when their nerves are shocked.  Avoid the game playing or assumptions that everyone is okay with your new love’s skin color.

Curious men and women may be bold and ask very private questions about you based on stereotypes, be prepared to avoid the topic if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Stares are common when people aren’t use to seeing two different races as partners.  Discuss how it makes you feel with your partner. Talk about how you both may or may not deal with it and if it doesn’t bother you, then be sensitive to your partner’s feelings about the stares.  Research new places to go where neither of you will feel uncomfortable.

Be prepared for any personality changes toward you and your mate from the people you know.  Some may have called you more often before the news, now they may start to begin to make less and less phone calls.  Others may not want to hang out with you anymore.  This behavior is unfair, but it happens; therefore, don’t wear your heart on your sleeve.  If you are willing to make sacrifices for love, then closing the door on certain relationships just may have to happen.

The ultimate confrontation is bound to happen when someone decides to boldly tell you why you shouldn’t be with him or her.  Be bold back and stand your ground.  No need to explain why you love he or she to this ignorant person.  Instead, turn the conversation back on the one making the statement, ask he or she (in a concerned voice rather than a snippy one,) “Why does my dating outside of our race bother you so much?”  Hear what they have to say.  Afterward either politely excuse your self from them or walk away, rather than argue.  Consider what he or she has just said.  Did they make a valid point?  If not, throw the negativity out of your mind.

The threats to take away what is rightfully yours are often used by family to get you to behave the way they want.  Don’t fall in this trap!  If you sincerely love your mate, material things will not matter.  Yet, if your mate seems to think more highly of your pending trust, property or some other asset you own more than you do, you will have to question whether he or she is really in the relationship for you or for what you have.

The “think about the kids” argument is a point that is often raised by ignorant people who don’t like interracial dating.  Your biggest concern won’t be with the school your children will attend in the future; instead it will be with the ignorant grandparents, aunts or uncles.  If you plan on having people who think this way around your children, you may have many problems to contend with in the future particularly if one of the children looks more like one race over the other.  Issues of favoritism, negative remarks about skin tone and hair texture, unflattering comments about body type as well as a host of other issues may come up from relatives that may potentially influence your child.

Be aware of those who seem a bit too supportive.  They are the ones who smile at you both in your faces, then stare at you weirdly behind your back.  They will tell you about someone they once considered dating outside of their race and found some excuse not to see them.  Meanwhile, they have regrets about their decision and may secretly be jealous of you and your mate.  Eventually it will be revealed to you how they really feel about your dating interracially by what someone will tell you or how they may act around others when talking about you.  Be careful, don’t reveal much about your relationship to them and no matter how tempting you may feel to want to share your frustrations about the family, don’t.  They will only go back to everyone and tell what you talked about adding fuel to the fire.

Overall, when you choose to announce that you are seeing someone outside of your race, don’t do it for shock, rebellion or other selfish reasons.  Rather, know that you are in love with your significant before you tell everyone.  Be willing to make additional sacrifices that you wouldn’t have to make if you stayed with someone in your own race.  Remember the keys to any relationship running its course for the rest of one’s life is to be willing to compromise, communicate, listen, understand, and most of all love.  Without any of these components, you won’t have much of a relationship and will only further complicate matters when you date interracially for all the wrong reasons.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of She's Crazy and Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.

Can You Push a Man into the Arms of Another Woman?

If you didn't intend to give him an excuse to go out and cheat, he just might use the following to do it.  Not every man is guilty of cheating, but give them a reason and who knows what might happen?

One.  Telling him, “Go to her…Find someone else I don’t need you anyway!” when you don’t really mean it.  Some men whether they have someone else they are seeing will take you up on this statement.  When you are arguing, try to refrain from telling him this if you still want to be with him.

Two.  Making false accusations without proof.  So you found a number you don’t recognize somewhere in his belongings, big deal!  It means nothing if you don’t call it and someone on the other end of the phone says, “Yes, I did sleep with Jim.”  The real proof is the kind that no matter what he says or does he can’t wiggle out of any of it when confronted.

Three.  Refusing to forgive him for the past.  You told him that you forgave him, yet you still bring up what he did to you back in 1999.  Chances are you haven’t moved on, and he will.  Until you are completely over the incidents of the past, don’t allow him back into your life.

Four.  Not acting interested in your man.  You are happy and smiling at his family and friends, but when he tries to make small talk with you or be affectionate, you are cold.  If you don’t get over what is bothering you, he will find someone who is hot.

Five.  Repeatedly lying to your mate.  He asked you to tell the truth, yet you still lie anyway.  How long do you think you can keep lying, before he breaks it off with you?

Six.  Letting your appearance go downhill.  No excuses on this one.  Men will always be visual creatures; therefore, don’t expect them to empathize with your weight problem, bad hair days, menstrual issues and whatever else that is making you unattractive.  Do something about them all before its too late!

Seven.  Never smiling or showing appreciation, always finding fault with him.  Men have been known to walk out on their wives after ten plus years.  It is unfortunate but many will say it was because of this point.

Eight.  Praising every woman around you and making a point to tell your mate about other women’s attributes while putting yourself down.  You may have done this, told your man how lovely your best friend looks in her clothes.  Well you may think there is nothing wrong with doing this, but there is if you do it enough times.  Instead of pointing out what is good about everyone else, why not point out something that is good about you.   

Nine.  Knowing he is involved with another woman early in the relationship, yet you look the other way.  He told you he was leaving his wife, breaking up with his girlfriend, or calling off the wedding to his fiancé, but what he didn’t tell you was exactly when and he still hasn’t shown you the proof of divorce.  There is a good possibility that he won’t be doing it because he still loves her.  Get out while you can or you may be sharing your man.

Ten.  Bringing your most attractive and flirtatious friends around him assuming they all will behave.  There are men who enjoy the company of beautiful women so much in fact that they may just get tempted.  If you don’t want him to have some fun with your friends, don’t invite them to your home with him around.

Eleven.  Knowing he has bad habits that often get him into trouble, yet you stay anyway.  Drugs, alcohol, and/or pornography are a few of the bad habits you may be aware of, yet you think that he won’t slip up and cheat on you while doing these things.  Think again. 

Twelve.  Telling him what your most personal weaknesses are and expecting your troubled man to be supportive.  You share with him your problem of depression, the bad relationship you have with your dad, or your terrible spending habit, he has enough troubles of his own, rather than help you through your problems he may look to someone who doesn’t have as much emotional baggage and more money.

Thirteen.  Abstaining from any nice thing you often did for him to win him over (including using the absence of sex and cooking as forms of punishment.)  If you did many wonderful things for him early in the relationship and then suddenly stopped, you are communicating a message to him that there are problems.  However, without explaining what is going on with you, he will look toward someone else for comfort believing you aren’t interested in him anymore.

Now that you have read 13 ways you might be encouraging your man to leave you and go off with the real or imagined woman you believe he is fond of, what are you going to do? 

Nicholl McGuire is the author of She's Crazy and Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.

How To Handle The News You’re Having A Baby

The news shocked the nerves of yet another couple. “You are pregnant,” the nurse announced. The couple had talked about the possibility of having a child one day, just not so soon after meeting each other less than a year ago. They both were in agreement about not having an abortion, but quietly they wished that the news had been untrue at least for now.

Once the couple got over the shock, they told only a select few about the pregnancy. They weren’t in a rush to reveal the baby news to all of their critical family and friends. They thought of their religious grandparents "You're not even married," their vain parents, “I’m too young to be a grandparent!” and their “too busy to care” friends, "That's nice, when are you coming over for drinks."  Further, they knew no one on either side of their intermediate family who would be celebrating yet another birth, since their siblings had already filled the first grandchildren vacancies. Therefore, with all the knowledge they knew about family and friends and their views on children, they silently made plans to provide the best that they could for their firstborn offspring without making this birth announcement a big deal.

Your story may not be as sad as this one, but the reality is not everyone is happy about a child being born. The way you handle the news will be very different than the way your mate and those around you will handle the news. Even people who really love children and have always wanted children will be ecstatic initially about a new birth announcement, but later as the second, third, fourth and so on come about, for some their smiling faces will turn into frowns. Women will think of the stress their body will undergo, while men will think of the cost to pay for a child. Your mate may want to talk about everything from how you are feeling to what is the next thing on the list to buy, while you may only want to be left alone to your thoughts. This attitude is quite normal, but how long you dwell in the shock of it all may affect your relationship with both your mate and your newborn. 

Avoiding outings together while pregnant, cutting off everything that you two both enjoyed before you found out the news, and distancing yourself from relatives are not ways to handle baby news. Whether people will be happy for you or not shouldn’t have any bearing on how you and your mate relate to one another. Yet, so many women and men allow negative thinking to get in the way of their relationship. Thoughts such as, “I am not as attractive as I was before this pregnancy, he probably isn’t interested in me anymore.” He may think, “I can’t handle her mood swings and the way she talks to me, this pregnancy is just too much!” These are not thoughts that will contribute to a positive, healthy atmosphere before the baby is born. Instead, these thoughts will only aid in building a stepping-stone for a future break up. Then throw in the negative reactions from family and friends and you both will have a wildfire! Some parents just aren’t ready to be grandparents and never really catch on to the idea. They rather go out with their friends; then spend time at home coddling their grandchildren. Be prepared for their negative statements such as, “I thought you were using protection, how are you going to pay for a child and you know I don’t baby sit.”  

   

Men must understand that their women will not always be that cute, kind, wonderful, loving woman that she was before a human life invaded her body and took over every aspect of her being. She will cry, have an attitude, become lazy, want to eat more and have her share of pet peeves. Secretly or openly casting revenge on her because you don’t like the way she said something to you is not the way to handle the mother of your child. Some men will not talk to their pregnant mates as much, buy them gifts, avoid going with them anywhere, stop being affectionate, work later hours, start hanging out with friends more and do less household chores. Men can help their women become more positive about the birth simply by doing the following. 

Acknowledge her for mother’s day and remember other special holidays (like when you first met.)

Surprise her with little tokens of appreciation such as a “Thinking of You” card or bring home her favorite snacks.

Ask her if she needs something before she asks you.

Take her out to dinner (if she cooks often she would greatly appreciate the break.)

Offer to take on additional responsibilities (such as grocery shopping, doing the laundry or cleaning the kitchen and bathroom) while she lies down to rest.

Most of all keep your negative comments about how she looks to yourself. She knows her face is plump, her lips are cracking, her hair is changing, her body is increasing in size, and she doesn’t have much sex with you. Remember everything that is happening to her is temporary and for some women that body is coming back looking better than it was before she became pregnant. If you don’t want to be the man left behind and replaced with someone else, then show her love and kindness at this very vulnerable and risky time in her life. She may even apologize to you if she realizes she has done or said something wrong. Accept each and every apology and cast her negative behaviors into the sea of forgetfulness. Wouldn’t you want her to do it for you?

You may be one of those women who just don’t feel the support of having a baby from most of your family and friends. You must not allow others’ behaviors to dictate your actions such as isolating yourself, feeling guilty, breaking up with your future child’s father, working long hours because someone told you about the cost of raising a child or anything that could cause you more stress. As long as you are doing things that are not endangering you or your baby, enjoy your life! Utilize the help from strangers who open doors, pull out chairs, allow you to step to the front of the line or any other courtesy that will make your day a little easier. For those people who are in support of your pregnancy, be sure to take the time to send thank you cards, make phone calls or accept their invitations from time to time to go out to a restaurant or event. Never make them feel as if you are deserving of anything and that they should do for you because you are family or their very best friend. Remember they didn’t make the baby you and your mate did and that baby is you and your mate’s responsibility not theirs. Someone may or may not suggest a baby shower if they do great, if they don’t that’s great too; therefore you won’t feel obligated to have to do something for them in the future.

As for the men, your male family and friends may joke about your life being over, give you a breakdown of how much it costs to raise a child, tell you about every miserable experience they ever had with the mother of their children, and much more. If you listen to enough negative comments from enough people, you will begin to change toward your mate. You will begin to find yourself blaming her for upsetting your world. You may even stop talking to her and doing kind things. When you hear the conversation becoming negative, ask them what they find is positive about being a parent. If they can’t give you a straight answer, you need to be careful of those who attempt to counsel you. A man who sincerely loves and appreciates his family will be more than happy to provide wisdom on being a parent and will offer to help you in any way he can as you anticipate the arrival of your son or daughter. A man who is unhappy with how things turned out in his life will attempt to cover it all up with banter. Everything is a joke, negative or downright evil coming from his mouth. Meanwhile, just imagine what his wife and children have to experience living with him. Eventually, he will be the old man living by himself miserable secretly wishing he had a better attitude about his family.

Being pregnant can be at times difficult, but women remember men can also pick up on your symptoms too. Try to be polite to your mate and ask him rather than order him to do things for you. Sometimes it is better just to write a list of things down, post it somewhere so he can see it and periodically reference the list when you talk. You both should make an effort to find things on sale at flea markets, discount stores, classifieds and any other place you may be able to save on items for baby. Think of ways you can bring extra money to the household with little effort other than getting a second or third job. In time those jobs will put an unnecessary stress on the both of you and eventually someone will have to quit once the baby is born. This is not the time to be apart from one another long hours at a time; rather you should want to draw nearer to one another. When you both see that each of you is making an effort to save money, the bond between the both of you will strengthen because you are both working together toward a common goal and that is caring for your newborn. 

Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mothers Cry and manages the When Mothers Cry blog too.

Spiritual perspective on Jealousy Rage

Christian Single Men and Women - Dining and Dashing Men