Why Marriage Isn’t for Everyone
5 Irritating Things About Bringing a Troublesome Husband to a Family Event
The observant see through the smoke and mirrors. No eye contact, not the slightest touch (or way too much touch), distance between the couple, and the disrespect displayed when a husband is talking to a woman that is not his wife, are obvious signs, the man would have been better off staying at home. So what might those irritating things he does that make his ride home with his wife a quiet one?
1. He smiles and talks too much to the attractive women at the family event. He manages to find some subject to talk about with them, but at home, he doesn't say much to his wife.
2. He will pretend as if he is madly in love with his wife when he sees her talking with a handsome man who is not a family member. Yet at home, he barely looks at his wife or touches her unless he wants sex.
3. He acts as if his wife is responsible for all things related to interacting with family and participating in events (family gifts, keeping in touch, making and buying food and getting beverages...for his side and hers.) "Talk with the wife...I don't know about that. I have nothing to do with it. Her idea, I stay out of it."
4. He doesn't recall anything he said or did when the wife re-tells a story. "Remember honey we were with So and So and she said...then you did...." He shakes his head, "Uh...what? No...really? I don't know. This woman is a great story-teller--I don't recall any of that!"
5. He brags or takes credit for things he rarely or never does. The wife thinks, "Why are you lying to your mother, you know you don't help the kids with homework...stop telling your dad you get out with the boys all the time...let's count on one hand how many times you did any thing with them.) Meanwhile, confidantes know better.
Wives typically don't miss a beat when it comes to their men, they may not say anything or display anger at the family event, but they are watching and listening. No wonder it is a quiet ride home for some couples.
Nicholl McGuire
Why Singles Should Wait to Commit or Marry Online Dates
Let's be honest, many singles flock to the Internet in search of a sex partner, not a husband or wife. However, there are those who really want a life-long companion but are hood-winked buy selfish and manipulative people who enjoy creating an emotional bond. Then later, one finds out about all that other stuff that comes with the supposedly "single, care-free, or good-hearted" him or her.
Many people who are quick to create profiles on dating websites are living with someone at the time they are doing it. The offline story typically went like this: the couple got in an argument and someone threatened to leave or divorce so now the needy, angry partner thinks that by bringing his headache into a new relationship that will help ease his or her tension.
Singles and divorced daters who are confident that a background investigation is all they need to find out about someone and then enter into marriages, usually find out later that there are some personality issues with people that don't show up on background reports. Match-making systems don't always match people up and gut feelings are often nothing more than that good food you ate earlier settling on your stomach.
Singles and divorced individuals should really take online partnerships slow. Learn as much as you can in all settings about someone (offline and on) before verbalizing your love for someone online and how much you would want them to be a part of your life for always.
Holidays are a good time to find out who and what you are marrying into anyway. Chances are that whatever family issues an online date has will show up in an offline romance. You will discover slowly, but surely why mom treats her son like she does. You will find out why some dates are considered the black sheeps in their families. You will also learn about money woes, lies, and exaggerations at some of these family gatherings. Hopefully, an ex will show up and that will surely tell you just how close or distant the pair still are.
The more you know prior to marriage, the better! Far too many people create false stories about who they are, what they like, and what they want to provide to someone else. When the truth shows up and looks you in the face, you always have a choice: you can pretend as if it doesn't exist, talk about it, run from it, or consider it a blessing in disguise and move on with your life!
Nicholl McGuire also shares insightful tips on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.
5 Wrong Things Selfish People Do to Stay Married
This is not something that everyone notices or even realizes until you find yourself in a position where you are the focus of the couple who is having problems (despite you're having nothing to do with their issues). You see, some people will create problems and act as if you had something to do with them because you are there--they need a character to take away from their plot. So if you are the child returning home from college, a friend needing somewhere to live temporarily, or the elderly parent who is down on his or her luck, you can easily become the perfect distraction to keep a couple together whether you participate in their drama or not.
This is why it is best to say nothing to them about their relationship, personal feelings, future plans with a mate, etc. because anything you say or do will be used to help them and hurt you. Get far away from these selfish, devious couples who obviously don't want to take responsibility for their own actions or in-actions in the relationship. It is easier for some couples to look outside the relationship for problems and blame everyone and everything for their own; rather than look one another in the eye and say, "I don't feel the same way about you as I did 20 plus years ago, because I feel you have let yourself go, you are too critical of others, you aren't respectful of me, you don't like to go anywhere...I am starting to ask myself, 'What did I ever see in you?'"
People grow older and change (and not always for good either), relationships get boring, and thoughts of "what have I done with my life" start to show up in odd ways. He dresses differently, she wants to do things she never did before, and the two seem to be drifting apart on a daily basis.
The couple who use to fight to stay together, realizes there is no fight anymore. Jobs are over. Neighbors have moved away. Relatives have long established the fact that they want to be left alone. Children no longer live at home creating dramas of their own. So the fighting couple is now looking to start or join fights elsewhere to keep their relationship alive rather than simply going out on dates, traveling, visiting others--just living life! So what do these troubled couples do to stay married while burdening others?
1. Use other people's relationship issues as attempt to strengthen their own marriage but in negative ways.
Whether they have the facts, details, and so on of what transpired with this couple and that one, the desperate couple looking to stay together is going to use their failures to appear as if their relationship "isn't nearly as bad as their's," and they aren't going to offer much, if any, assistance to help another couple stay together unless they benefit in some way. Pride of one's own relationship gets in the way of common sense and before long the couple is adding to their own bag of trouble. Secretly one or both partners simply aren't very happy with one another, but they use other people's fights to temporarily distract them from this kind of thinking, because "I should be happy...I should love him/her."
2. Permit troubled people to move into their homes for a limited time as a distraction from their own relationship ills.
What better way to get a couple's mind off their own troubled relationship then to invite people into one's home that are worse off than they. Then after the couple has had enough of listening to the roommate's troubles, the wife, husband or both gently or harshly kick the relative or friend out leaving them with little, if any, resources. The common enemy is now gone and back in love is the couple at least for a season. Then they grow weary of one another, so off they go looking for another hurt individual or wounded animal to nurse back to health until the couple has grown weary yet again of their new object of distraction.
3. Find things to do that require, not only the couple to participate, but those around them, so that they can focus on everyone else's weaknesses and correct them while overlooking their own failures.
Some couples know how to get everyone involved in their activities from landscaping to gaming so that they can have yet another "healthy" distraction from one another. A partner isn't giving compliments, acting friendly or caring, but that's okay to the slighted partner, because he or she will find someone or group that will make him or her feel worthy, useful, and overall positive about oneself. Meanwhile, the unsuspecting don't realize that they are being used for a time--that is until the relationship is doing okay again.
4. Create emergencies, distractions, and other things to draw on the unmarried's emotional frailties, so that one or both in the relationship can have someone to lean on--take his or her side.
If a selfish, married couple complains to single friends or those in equally troubled relationships often about one's married life, whether they know it or not they are being discouraging to those who have yet to experience a positive married life. Those friends who are emotionally unstable, weak in relating to others, etc. will be that good friend who will digest all the negativity the couple has to bring, but will be missing out on a married life that they could possibly be very good at living. But those who have been married a long time, don't consider how what they are saying and doing might impact others with or without a partner.
5. Lie or deny any and everything that exposes their mental, physical, or spiritual issues.
If you should approach the couple with what you have learned about their relationship and how they have used you to calm the storms in their lives, they might deny their actions and could use your revelations against you.
In closing, identify this sort of behavior that you or someone else may be doing and don't help this sort of negativity to keep going just because So and So has been married for 10 plus years. In addition, avoid using others to help stay with your partner for all the wrong reasons.
If you suspect you are being used by a troubled couple, don't permit them to use and abuse you any longer whether they are getting money, grandchildren, time, or service from you. Move on with your life! Also, keep in mind that struggling couples look for others' faults, so don't give them anything to talk about when it comes to your personal relationship.
Nicholl McGuire
The Rush to Have Sex, Commit with Someone You Met Online
Communication
It is great to communicate, the longer, the better. But what exactly are you talking about. Some couples will brag about how wonderful their relationship is, but what they don't tell you is they have yet to push those buttons that will send the new partner over the edge. It is very easy to start a relationship online, but keeping it--well that is a different story. Sharing information with a partner is much more than just being nice, polite and friendly. You must talk about those issues that rattle a person, so that you can see how they respond to controversy. Better you find out that he is a temperamental man or she is "crazy" early on in the relationship; rather than later when money, time and bodily fluids have been exchanged.
Sex
Sex is always better when you haven't seen someone for a long time, duh? Therefore, you will say and do things that you wouldn't ordinarily do. The Internet has a way of amplifying our experiences especially if you have participated in some steamy conversations online. However, is the way the person looks, what they promise, and how they romanticize you enough to keep you interested offline? Just be honest with yourself. Remember, most of the time you spend with this person you won't be having sex. Look beyond the physical and what he says/she says. What more can this person provide you besides what every other male or female before this person gave you? Some of you know how you can be when you have some great sex with someone--don't lose your mind yet again!
Money/Gifts
When you aren't in the presence of someone often, it is tempting to give this person nice things. Some couples move just as quickly into their finances as they do sex--notice your online friend or possibly yourself buying this person's favor. Some gullible and desperate types (you know the ones who haven't been with a man/woman in months or years) try to keep a relationship going with an online friend by giving more money and gifts even when they start to notice this person is showing he or she doesn't like them much, is acting distant, in a relationship with someone else, and more. You have to wonder what kind of person would keep chatting/dating someone who is emotionally and/or physically unavailable.
If you lost contact once, twice, or maybe three times before you finally met this person, don't be so quick to assume that it must be in the cards for us to be together. Not necessarily. Ask yourself, "Could it be that my personal needs are not being fulfilled at this time in my life and I am just using this person to help me for the time being?" Of course, it sounds wonderful when someone is willing to help you out of your financial storm, your sexless lifestyle, and other things, but seriously, what is really going on with you or that person? Why the rush?
Many serial Internet daters, players, and has-beens (you know people who use to be hot, but aren't now) frequent sites to see if there is someone (anyone) who can help/sex/motivate/move them in their finances, business endeavors, family, spirituality, and more. The needs become more important than the overall plan to have a happy, healthy marriage (and children, that's right some will rush that too) one day. Selfish people ask, "What can I get from this person I met online?" Kind-hearted people ask, "What might I be able to do to help this person and myself?"
Think about it before you do it.
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Laboring to Love Myself, and other books. Watch Nicholl's videos here. Visit her blog about various abuse issues here.
How to Know You Are Marrying More for Religious Reasons than Love
You thought you met the man or woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with but you have your share of doubts. It all started when you caught him or her in lies, questioned their whereabouts and they avoided an explanation, or wondered if the co-worker they talk frequently about is really just a friend. You want to get married to your child’s father or mother, but not necessarily because you just love them. Rather, because those around you tell you that it is the right thing to do. You may agree with them and feel that morally you want to fix what is considered an immoral thing. So what some Christians or believers in a faith do, is get married ignoring all signs that say that this person is not the one.
A woman, Nancy (not her real name) did just that. She reasoned that she would marry her porno addicted fiancé because she thought that if she did and she prayed long and hard enough that God will fix the situation and her soon-to-be husband would stop looking at porn. She was wrong. Even a close spiritual advisor warned her not to and she ignored her saying to the advisor, “God would want her to do what is right and marry her children’s father.”
A man whose identity is being removed to protect his privacy also chose to marry his fiancé knowing that she had a past of cheating and lying to him. He reasoned that she was “the one” despite his mother’s efforts and others in the family to change his mind. He wanted his marriage to be blessed in the eyes of God.
Then there was Bill (whose name has been changed) told family members and friends that he married out of love; however, his family and friends saw additional reasons for why he wanted to marry including the fact that he and his fiancé knew they were pregnant and didn’t want to bring their child into the world without being married first despite their often disagreements.
Now in all of these situations these people reasoned that to get married for spiritual or religious beliefs was the right thing to do. However, if we look at I Corinthians 13: 4-13 and define the definition of love in the New International Version of the Bible, we find examples of good reasons to marry someone, but not because morally you should just go ahead and do it. Then there are many other scriptures that deal with love and marriage in the Bible and none of them have anything to do with reasoning in one’s mind that “everything will be alright if I just get married” and “God will bless my marriage in spite of…”
So how do you know that you are getting married more for religious reasons then for love? You will need to not only evaluate what you are doing and saying to your partner and vice versa, but you will also have to pray for specific signs that will help you make the right decision. Sometimes people do pray for wisdom concerning getting married, but when it is given to them and it’s something they don’t want to hear they do the following: they ignore the wisdom, reason that the person who is giving them advice is jealous, or argue why they should get married despite asking for honest advice. You will know that you are marrying more for religious reasons than love when you find yourself saying or doing the following.
Asking people for advice while ignoring what you already know.
Of course those fellow believers who want you to be happy will encourage you to do whatever you want. They may pull out all of the scriptures that encourage a union, but ignore the ones about being unequally yoked to an unbeliever or other scriptures that God intended to convict your spirit. If you say that you love your partner they will say, “Go ahead get married.” If you say he or she is the parent of my children and I really want him or her in my life they will say, “Go ahead get married.” If you say we have been through so much together and I really want this they will say, “What’s stopping you? Go ahead and get married.” This is not what you should be doing is asking your personal cheerleading team. God wants you to be consulting with him and if he gives you signs you prayed for concerning your partner which are loud and clear, “Look the other way.” Heed them. You can always find other ways to have the parent of your children in your life and the lives of your children without being married to him or her. Sometimes we can make life worse for ourselves and our children in the long term by doing things that we know we shouldn’t. As we all know, those of us who have been married before know that honeymoons don’t last forever!
Your pastor or staff will tell you that “you should be married in the House of the Lord.”
Being married in the house of the Lord or under a blessed bridge with a divine shadow of the Mother of God isn’t going to help your situation when you know that this partner you are considering on marrying is a liar, cheat, angry all the time, violent, and so on. As the scripture says that our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, so if this is true why would you subject your body to abuse and reason that getting married in a holy place will somehow make everything good. Sometimes people assume that if a man or woman of God anoints his or her forehead, prays for them, or reads scripture to them that like a magic potion their partners will change. If anything, they may get worse, because people who don’t have a faith are not happy about anyone doing any of these things to them, if anything it makes them feel strange and uncomfortable and if they feel this way too long they will begin to blame you.
Attending Bible studies and church often.
You may spend more time in the church then you do anywhere else. Of course, being around spiritual people and frequently reading the Bible will make you think about spiritual things often. You will also witness other couples interacting with one another, hear messages from the pulpit about marriage, and read stories about successful relationships. When someone hears enough things about what they desire most long enough, they will start to build a false image about their own relationship. The truth is you don’t have a relationship like pastor and his wife and you can’t compare your relationship with someone else’s in the church just because you saw someone caress his wife or kiss her husband. Chances are your relationship may be worse or better and even still that is not why you should be getting married for image sake. Rather, you should be evaluating what your real motivation is and what you and your partner should be doing and saying to have a quality relationship.
In closing, take the time to be alone and think about all of the reasons why you need to get married to your partner then think of all the reasons why you shouldn’t. When you pray, be specific with your requests such as asking for wisdom and a discerning spirit when it comes to deciding whether or not you should go through with a marriage. Forgive yourself for past mistakes you made, but don’t try to fix them by getting married. Instead, study the word and find subject areas that speak to not just married life, but daily living. Read self-improvement books by best-sellers that can help you understand how men and women should communicate in relationships. Most importantly, ignore everyone’s voice but your own no matter how good or bad the advice. Only you know what you can and can’t handle in your relationship. If you are dealing with an issue that keeps you up at night, that incites arguments, and makes you cry or yell often then seriously consider not getting married. As we all know most marriages end in divorce, because people don’t take the time to think before they leap!
By Nicholl McGuire
How to Know Whether He is Serious about Marriage
Your Wife Does Not Love You Anymore? But Do You Really Give Her Any Reason to Love You?
Yes, it is very troubling for you to discover that your wife does not love you anymore - this is really heart breaking. The thing is, your wife has got to have a reason to feel this way about you, and it is more than likely the way you treat her that is possibly making her think that she is very unhappy in her marriage at the moment. Just as plants need water to survive, so does a marriage need certain elements to keep it alive and well over the years. Your wife has probably let you know all along just how important you are to her, and how much she wants and needs you in her life. She also more than likely tells you all the time that she loves you.
However, over the years, probably without realising it, your demonstrations of how you feel about her have dwindled to almost nothing. This will obviously make your wife feel that you are losing interest in her and make her very unhappy and confused. In other words, your wife does not love you anymore, because you have not given her any reason to. The love in your marriage has been one-sided for too long now, and you MUST do something about it right now, if you want to save your marriage.
Make sure to let your wife know ALL the time that you love her - this will make her positively bloom. Also, let her know every day just how much you need her and how important she is to you. Your wife does not love you anymore, but you can rest assured that, with a little pampering from time to time, her views about you will change dramatically, and you can once again enjoy your wife's attentions. Make sure to reciprocate your wife's love and attention ALL the time, and her love for you will grow deeper as the years go by.
Whether you are still together and having problems or you are already separated and want to save your marriage... the next step is absolutely crucial!
Don't make the mistake of saying or doing something that will kill your chances of getting back together with your wife. Find out what you need to do to save your marriage and emotionally reconnect with her again.
By Sharon TaibbiMarriage Or Cohabitation - How Are Children Affected?
Hopefully, most Americans aren't modeling their lives after Hollywood celebrities, but cohabitation is becoming more common, so the issue is worth discussing. Marriage is not just a financial decision; it is not just a decision of the heart. It involves these things of course, but when children are involved, they should also be considered. So, today's post is dedicated to studies showing how children are affected by marriage-emotionally, behaviorally, sexually, mentally, and physically.
Research shows that in the U.S. cohabitators resemble singles more than they resemble married couples. Their unions are much less stable. One study showed that half of the children born to a cohabitating couple saw their parents split by the time they were five. The number was even higher for Latino or African-Americans. For married couples, 15% split in the same time period. Another study found that even after controlling for socioeconomic and parenting factors, teenagers who lived in cohabiting households experienced more behavioral and emotional difficulties than those in intact, married families.
A fourth study found married parents devote more of their financial resources to childrearing and education than do cohabiting parents, whereas cohabiting parents spent a larger percentage of their income on alcohol and tobacco. In the study, cohabiting couples had lower incomes and education levels. They also reported more conflict and violence and lower satisfaction levels.
Marriage has not only social effects on children, but also biosocial consequences. For example, girls appear to have their sexual development affected by male pheromones, which either accelerate or decelerate their development, depending on their family situation. Studies have shown that adolescent girls who do not grow up in an intact married home are more likely to menstruate early. On the other hand, girls "who have close, engaged relationships with their fathers" begin menstruation at a later age. Girls who live with an unrelated male menstruate even earlier than those living with single mothers. Researchers believe the father's pheromones appear to inhibit sexual development, while an unrelated male accelerates her development. When a girl has earlier sexual development, she is more likely to become sexually active earlier and is at higher risk of teen pregnancies.
Boys also benefit from married parents. Boys in unmarried families carry out more delinquent acts. Boys in single-parent homes are about twice as likely, and boys in stepfamilies are 2.5 times more likely, to commit a crime leading to jail time by their 30s. Boys in cohabiting families have been found to be more likely to be involved in delinquent behavior, cheating, and have more school suspensions. When a boy lives with his mother and her boyfriend, the boyfriend is more likely to be abusive than his own father. This leads to additional problems.
Additional research has suggested children with two married parents have better health and a longer life expectancy than other children. This benefit starts in infancy, and remains a lifelong benefit.
It is tempting to suggest the difference is due to socioeconomic status or education levels. But many studies account for these factors. One such study followed academically gifted, middle-class children for 70 years. Researchers controlled for family background and childhood health status, and even personality characteristics. They found children of divorce had life expectancy reduced by four years. They also found that 40-year-old men whose parents had divorced were three times more likely to die in the next 40 years than were 40-year-old men whose parents remained married.
Even babies have a lower risk of mortality when born to married parents than if they are born to unmarried parents. The average increase in infant mortality is 50% for unmarried women. After controlling for age, race and education, infants with unwed mothers still have a higher mortality rate, even through early childhood years.
Sweden has a national health care system for all its citizens. But a study of the entire Swedish population showed boys who lived in single-parent homes were more than 50% more likely to die of various causes (i.e. suicide, accidents, addiction) than those in a married, two-parent home. Boys and girls in single-parent families were more than twice as likely to have problems with drug or alcohol abuse, psychiatric diseases, suicide attempts. They were also more likely to experience poisonings, traffic injuries or falls than teens in two-parent families.
Yet another study shows teens who live with their married parents are less likely to experiment to drugs alcohol or tobacco than other teens-even after controlling for age, race, gender, and family income.
Mental health of children was also affected when parents split up. Children of divorce have double the risk of serious psychological problems later in life than children with parents who stay married. They are more likely to suffer from depression, drug and alcohol abuse, or suicidal thoughts. The exception is when there is a marriage has "high and sustained" conflict levels, children benefit psychologically if the parents divorce.
I could write many more examples, but I imagine you get the picture that marriage has been shown in lots of research to protect children in myriad ways. Let me just share the most shocking statistics for those of you still with me. It is hard to imagine for parents who love their children (and stepchildren), but children who do not live with their own two parents are at much higher risk of child abuse. Living with a stepparent is the most significant factor in severe child abuse. Children are more than 50 times more likely to be murdered by a stepparent (usually a stepfather) than by a biological parent. A different study showed children were 40 times more likely to be sexually abused than one living with both of his biological parents. A national study found that 7% of children who lived with one parent had been sexually abused, compared to 4% of children who live with both parents.
With this research in mind, do you believe marriage has a social benefit for children?
Information on these studies can be found in "Why Marriage Matters, Second Edition" by Institute for American Values.
Lori Lowe is a writer and communications consultant from Indianapolis. Her blog http://www.lorilowe.wordpress.com encourages couples in their marriages and family relationships. Subscribe today to read a positive voice in your inbox.
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