Relationship Tune Up - 7 Key Points to Avoid a Break Up or Break Down

"Every three months or 3,000 miles."

That's how the sticker in the left upper corner of my windshield reads.

It's a matter of common knowledge that we are supposed to maintain, service, and tune up our cars if we want them to run well and last.

In my experience, it rarely occurs to us to do the same thing with our love relationships.

More and more of the couples I see are not in need of long term therapy, they are more in need of a short term relationship tune up.

7 Key Points

What first attracted you to each other? - This is the first question I ask most couples because it helps to be reminded that your partner has some great qualities that led you to want to be in this relationship.

What are some of the strengths of your relationship? - Instead of all the things that are wrong with your relationship, what I want to know is what are some of the strengths of the relationship upon which we can build in order to solve the problems with which they are struggling.

When have you been the closest? - One of the easiest ways to tune up your relationship is to do the things you were doing when you were the closest.

You may have noticed that the first 3 questions were all focused on positives in the relationship.

This is done on purpose. One of the dangers of traditional marriage counseling is a focus on what is wrong or defective with an individual or the relationship. One of the many benefits of relationship coaching is a focus on using the strengths in the relationship to build up the areas where the relationship is weak.

What are your partner's emotional needs and what are your own? - If you do not know, hear are the two crucial questions to ask:

1) In order to feel loved by me, what do you need to feel in our relationship?

2) What are some ways I can meet those needs?

What is your partner's love language and what is yours? - Some folks need to hear it, some folks need to see it, and some folks need to feel it.

How do the two of you "do conflict?" - Conflict in a relationship is inevitable. Fighting is optional.

What is your vision for your relationship? - Without a vision, a relationship can perish. Here are a few questions most couples never take the time to even think about, much less ask:

1) If we could design our relationship any way we wanted, how would we like it to be?

2) What goals do we have for our relationship?

3) What do we want to give, and what do we want to get in our relationship?

For more immediately useable tips and tools for your relationship, visit relationship coach Jeff Herring's interactive website at SecretsofGreatRelationships.com


Author: Jeff Herring

How to Deal with Your Lover Who Can't Handle Conflict

Another opportunity has come to discuss a problem in the relationship, you want to tell your lover how you feel, but you don't want the problem to go unresolved like last time.

The last time was one of those times that ended with "You just love to argue, don't you?" It wasn't that you loved to argue, but how many times must you keep on having to bring up problems before your mate gets the point?

What will you have to do to get through to them? The following tips will help you make your point whether loud and in their face or quiet and polite.

First, try the "we are two reasonable adults" approach. Ask to speak with them a moment and let them know you will only be a minute. Tell them what is on your mind in the most polite way. The best way to describe your tone and demeanor would be like speaking with a sales clerk at your favorite store. "I just need for you to help me with something I have been trying to figure out. When would be a good time for you to join me in tidying this house up?" Be prepared for excuses, objections, and attitudes. Any time you ask someone to do something they really don't want to do, they usually aren't happy. If you don't want to be negative right along with them, don't look at their facial expression and stand there silently until you get an answer.

Second, if you tried to be reasonable with them, and you still haven't received a response. Try the "gentle reminder" approach. You basically tell them once again what you need. You might want to post a note somewhere around the house to remind them. The note is a powerful tool in case he or she claims you never asked them anything. There is also text messages and email to further remind them.

Third, when you have tried being nice, your mate who rather run from conflict and accuse you of "loving to argue," will have to face you again. This time you will be offending them because you are approaching them yet again about an issue they still have yet to address. It's unfortunate that you have to approach them with issues like a collector trying to collect on a debt, but what is the alternative? Keeping your mouth shut on issues and praying doesn't always work. Gossiping with your family and friends about the matter will only add fuel to your fire. Doing spiteful things to him or her will only cause more confusion. So you will have to face him or her again with the problem except this time don't give them the opportunity to come up with a solution, rather you create one that is in your best interest since Larry "who doesn't like to argue" keeps avoiding you. For instance, "Larry after trying several times to talk with you about problems in our relationship, you have been avoiding me. I have no choice but to feel that you don't care and if you don't then please let me know so that I can make other arrangements." Of course, Larry's ears are perked up now. "What other arrangements?" While you have Larry's undivided attention you may want to start with the most important issue. You may not get to all of the issues at that moment, so bring the others up at a later time.

People who can't handle confrontation of any kind whether it is loud or quiet will always find something to do, walk out of a room, or find something else to talk about. They are hoping that you will forget about what you had to discuss with them, but don't. We live in a world where there will be war and rumors of war, but all can be avoided if people just allowed one another to make their point be it loud or soft whether you agree or disagree. Some talking is always better than no talking. However, when things become heated, take a break, but do come back to the table and finish your discussion. Avoiding conflict will not get any results for you or the one you love.

Nicholl McGuire

How To Find A Husband The Wrong Way

Too many times single women will go hunting with girlfriends in search of a potential mate only to come home heartbroken once again, because no one seemed to be right for them. There are many good reasons why that occurs, here's one main reason: don't look for a man with women! The following information in this article will provide you with all the things women do wrong to get a man and may answer the question why some of you are still single after 35.

Some single women have either an extreme positive attitude or an extreme negative attitude. Where is the balance? No one wants Bubbles for a wife, maybe a lover, but not a wife. If everyone tells you how bubbly you are, it isn't always meant as a compliment. There are men who don't respond well to a woman who thinks that even a gloomy, rainy day with ice and snow is just "great!" Know how to tone your voice and body movements down a notch. No one is asking you to kill who you are, but you will have to consider making a few adjustments.

Now, Bubbles has a negative friend, named Attitude. Attitude is angry at every man who has ever lied, cheated, or showed up ten minutes late. She falsely assumes that anyone she meets will treat her like a b*tch, because everyone else did. Well, if they have, maybe you like Bubbles, will have to remember to tone it down. Toning the attitude down doesn't mean being a weak mouse, but what it does mean is you will have to make some adjustments in your personality if you want to be talked to by a man, maybe even asked out on a date.

Avoiding others to help you find a husband. What is wrong with asking someone who knows you well? If you have in the past and it didn't turn out well, consider who you asked and how many people you asked. Finding a husband should be a project that you would want everyone who cares about you involved.

Telling men too much about yourself on the first date. No man wants to hear about your sexual conquests with other men no matter how open he seems to act. He is just testing you to see if you are wife material or "slam bam thank you ma'm" material. Go ahead and tell him only what he wants to hear and you won't last a year with him. He has dated women like you before, so he knows "the type." Ever hear that statement before? Do less talking and more listening.

He isn't interested in all your money and achievements. If you list everything you have ever done that was outstanding, he may feel like you are more of a competitor than a lover. Once again, think balance when you are talking to your potential husband. Think: "A little about me, with a tad about the family, add a cup of my interests, stirred up and served with my boundaries - sex tonight, tomorrow, months from now or we will talk about it when the time is right."

Tacky appearance. In other words, you don't bother to keep yourself up physically. Like men, too many women make excuses for how they look yet they dare criticize another for being too tall, fat, ugly, smelly, etc. Be sure that you aren't looking like the way you despise. If so, do something about it, before someone boldly calls you out on your flaws in the future and if you can't help certain things, then enhance your stronger attributes.

Going places to find men in places you don't like. If you don't like meeting men at a club, then why go there? if you rather meet men at a fitness center, then make yourself go. Don't go to places that you know in the past has brought you the kind of men you rather live without.

Assuming you know yourself better than everyone else. You don't always know what's best for you, because if you did you would be married by now. Consider what everyone has been telling you about yourself. Take the good, bad, and ugly about yourself and make the needed changes.

Not allowing yourself enough time to heal. You haven't gotten over the last man who hurt you before you are in bed with another. How do you expect to heal from your past wounds when you are bringing those into your new relationships? Enjoy truly being single without allowing a man to visit, stay the night, or even call you. You will know when you are ready when your family and friends notice that you haven't been seeing or mentioning any man in your conversation.

You don't bother to "really" pray. When you have prayed it probably went something like this, "God you know I am lonely, send me a man about six foot with dark hair, handsome, with a job, etc, etc. In Jesus name Amen." What kind of prayer is that? Instead, you should pray, "Lord help me to become a better person, strengthen my relationship with you and if it is meant for me to have a husband then let it be so. I won't bother praying about a man any more since I have more important things to do such as needing your help with..." You already prayed without ceasing on the husband part for years I am sure, there has been potential husbands...now it's time to pray without ceasing in other areas of your life.

From checking your attitude at the door to praying to God for guidance, whatever you have done or will do to get a husband, remember to focus on what matters the most and that is your own personal happiness. Many times women who have found husbands found them when they weren't looking for them. Allow yours to come to you without you holding up a big sign of desperation stating, "I need a husband, are you the one for me?" Utilize the tips, then come back and tell the world your story.

For more articles by Nicholl McGuire, Click Here!

Ten Internet Dating Tips

The following tips will help you with your quest to find someone who is right for you online.

1. When reviewing the photos of people on social networking sites, be sure that you don't pick someone who is seen in all his or her photographs smiling with their mouth closed, wearing a hat, sitting down, wearing an unusual amount of makeup, or standing behind someone or something. This person is obviously trying to cover up their hidden flaws. They may be balding, obese or very short, have terrible looking teeth, covering up birthmarks, freckles or pimples or they may have some kind of handicap.

2. If you should find someone who has done this in all there photographs, ask them in your email to send you a recent photo. Now he or she may not have one, but give them enough time to get one taken. If they are always coming up with an excuse, move on.

3. Don't rush to ask for phone numbers. If you find that you are anxious to speak to this person over the phone, think about why. Is it because you haven't had sex in awhile, you are just curious about his or her voice, and/or he or she is saying all the right things in their emails? Whatever the case, write as much as you like until you are comfortable with the answers you are receiving and that you honestly care for this person. (If they seem as if they are putting you off, not responding to email in a timely manner or answering all emails with little or no detail, move on.)

4. Be sure when you are writing your first emails to them that you aren't getting "too serious". Don't get into your desires of being married and having children right away or writing a history of every Tom, Dick and Harry or Jane, Mary and Tina who ever broke your heart. Find out what their likes and dislikes are, what they enjoy doing daily, where do they like to go, what kind of hobbies they love, how do they feel about their job, family, and friends. In later emails, you may want to bring up the serious topics in such a way that would not make them run for the border. For instance, when asking about a mental condition, you may say that you read somewhere how most mental illnesses are genetic and that you found out from a friend that he is bipolar (don't make up a lie, but use a true case.) Do they know of anyone who has suffered from the disease?

5. Don't forget to spell check your emails. Many educated people who can spell well, frown at emails that are riddled with spelling and grammatical errors. Be sure to read over what you write aloud. This helps when you are trying to find out if you communicated your point well.

6. There is no set time on how long you email back and fourth, so don't set a limit of how long you will do it. He or she may have other email pals or gals, but don't let that push you to ask for a date sooner rather than later. Sometimes those other email pals or gals are in a rush to meet and then ultimately hang themselves being disrespectful, pushy, lying, cheating etc. It is better to play the best friend or confidante role to get what you want long term rather than the one night stand.

7. Remember in your emails to acknowledge birthdays and other holidays. Ask about family and friends by name (if you know any.) It makes the receiver feel like you have been thinking about them and sincerely care.

8. When he or she feels like they can trust you, you may want to send them something special in the mail. Reassure them that you wouldn't surprise them on their job or at home, but that you just want to send them something nice. If they aren't ready to share their address, don't take it personal just say, "Maybe next time."

9. Now that you have survived the email relationship, you may want to ask for that all important date. Start the email off by saying how much you enjoyed writing, but you would like to exchange phone numbers. If they say no, be patient, at least you know that they will be thinking about it. The reason why it is a big deal for some people is they feel if they talk with you on the phone that eventually it will lead to something more and if they aren't ready they don't want to lead you on.

10. When you set up the date, time and meeting place, be sure to leave a note in your apartment and tell someone close to you where you will be going. Better yet, if you can have someone at your home to take a photo of the two of you or glance at the license plate of his or her vehicle, you will be playing it safe.

For more advice by Nicholl McGuire, Click Here!

Dating a Victim of Domestic Violence? What You Should Know and How You Can Help

Her abusive boyfriend from the past cheated, lied, robbed, raped, abused, and misused her. When you first laid eyes on this gorgeous woman, the last thing you thought was you would be inheriting her wounds from yesteryear. Yet, you did and now you feel at times stuck with both his and her mess. You aren't ready to break up with this woman you love, but you can't see a future with her either. So what do you do about this past baggage that tends to show up on days that you think everything is perfectly okay? The following tips should help you get some peace of mind, reach a decision about the relationship, and help you help her to heal.

There is a big difference between a woman who calls herself a victim of domestic violence and one who calls herself a survivor. The survivor most likely has evolved from her experience and shows no signs of having ever been a victim. She has received the support she needed to move on and has taken the necessary changes to live her life to the fullest. However, a victim has not, will not, or doesn't know how to get pass the experience. She may even still call herself, "a victim." Somehow she continues to play the victim in her words and actions with every challenge that comes before her. She hasn't bothered to get the help she needs, and you may be her only counselor.

Women who have been abused don't necessarily get over everything they have gone through in the past. Some of the residue still remains. She may have some strange behaviors that tend to pop up every now and then. If he robbed her, she is possessive about her belongings. If he raped her, then she may have sexual problems. If he choked or smothered her, she may have problems sleeping at night or you touching, staring, or standing over her her while she sleeps. If he lied about his whereabouts a lot, then she will be bothered when you don't say where you are going and how long you will be gone. If he cheated, then she won't trust you when you say "...that woman is just a friend." If he kept her from seeing or talking to family or friends, then she now feels obligated to tell them everything and not pass up an opportunity to attend a family gathering. If he expected her to report to him about everything she does, then she may tell you more than you ever needed or wanted to know or do the complete opposite and appear secretive. If he beat her, then she may flinch if you playfully try to grab her. These are only a small list of some of the things that trigger her misunderstood behaviors.

She may also have some phobias as a result of being in such a life threatening relationship. She may be afraid to go to certain places, avoid certain people and discussions that remind her of her abuser. She may have trust issues because of the many times her abuser violated her. She may not be as affectionate as other women you may have been involved. She may also have problems with budgeting because her abuser may have been very controlling with the finances or she may be domineering about the finances herself. There will be those times that she will appear very strong-minded and other times where she will be extremely sensitive over the simplest of issues. However, despite all of these issues, many women who have been in abusive relationships do well in society. They find the strength to get over many personal obstacles and oftentimes help others see things in relationships that their relatives and friends may have otherwise overlooked.

Going back to the issue of trust, your partner isn't always mindful of her trust issues. You may think that she is deliberately making your life a living hell with all her questions, but some women do this without thinking. They may not have been "called out" on their insecurities prior to meeting you so how do you expect her to be self-aware? If she calls you too much to "check up on you" then say so and let her know you won't always be available to answer her call, if it makes her feel better, let her know when you will be available to talk. If that still doesn't help, and you just so happen to miss calling her, remind her that she should be treating you like how she wants to be treated. Disrespecting you will not be tolerated no matter how many times she tried to call you and you weren't available.

Too often men put themselves in situations that call their character into question such as going out with other women without telling the woman they have made their partner, hiding details of their whereabouts, not being available emotionally, making important decisions without their mate, lying when asked simple questions, etc. When you are with someone who has had an abusive background, she will be more sensitive to what you are doing than most women, because she most likely dealt with these issues with her abuser. You can be a big help to her emotionally by doing two simple things: keep promises and be honest. Let her know what your relationship boundaries are before you think about committing to her for the long-term. An example would be telling her that you don't want the kind of relationship where she acts like your mother rather than a girlfriend. Then list specific examples of the behaviors that are turning you off.

Communication is important in any relationship regardless of what type of experience someone has had prior to entering a new relationship. Without it, you will have trust issues, arguments, repeated break ups and so on. As soon as an issue comes up that bothers you, talk it over in a respectful manner. If she loves you, she will respect you and if you love her you will return the respect.

Being with someone who has been abused requires some degree of patience. You will have to allow her to get to know you through her making mistakes. She may have forgotten that you don't like a certain thing she does, forgive and forget. She may have checked up on something you said you had completed, don't be so easily offended. Be open to mistakes and allow her to learn from them. If you find that she is consistently doing something that is robbing you of feelings for her, then before you break up with her, talk to her about it. See if she can meet you half way, and then sit back and watch her behavior to see if anything changes, if not, then you will have to make the decision to end the relationship. Don't create a scene or do something to get her to break up with you, the last thing you need is a domestic violence situation yourself.

Some formerly abused women tend to be overbearing at times. This may be due to feeling powerless in their past abusive relationship. They want things to go their way, they expect others to do what they say when they say it, they yell instead of talk, and most of all they can be extremely demanding, because they are hard on themselves due to someone being hard on them. When you find your mate is acting this way, once again you will have to talk to them about how it makes you feel, ask them to stop certain mannerisms, and if you are not living with them at the time, don't. Until she understands how you feel about her behavior and have made some serious changes, you will not want to live under her rule. These women have not allowed themselves enough time to heal and they are better off living alone.

Another major concern about women who have not healed from their abusive past is that they may be hiding the fact that they may be equally abusive. Some women turn into abusers themselves. She may have cut herself, threatened to hurt you in some way. If she has children or a pet, you will be able to see signs of whether she is abusive to them. If the children and pet tend to act afraid of her, most likely she has been violent toward them. Look for recent bruises and scars on the children along their face, neck, arms, and legs. Watch how the animal walks, he may have been repeatedly kicked by her and the children. If you are in her home, look for damaged walls and furniture. Sometimes children are responsible for the mess in the home, and if so, then ask yourself the question, "Why would the children ruin the house?" They may be affected by the past or the past is still going on and she just hasn't said anything about it.

Not every woman who has been in an abusive relationship has gone through professional counseling. So be mindful of how she reacts when put under stress, the way she talks to you, and how she handles conflict. If you don't pay close attention to the warning signs, then you will be inheriting an abuser yourself along with her abusive children. Instead of being her lover, be a friend and direct her to some help and if you are spiritual, pray for her and invite her (and the children) to your church, but whatever you do, don't make her feel ashamed for what she has done, belittle, or disrespect her, she has already had enough of that kind of behavior from her abuser.

Nicholl McGuire maintains other blogs including: Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and Tips Dating Older Men, Younger Women