Had Enough of the Relationship/Dating Drama Yet?

You might be partnered with someone who is really starting to work your nerves.  It seems that whenever he or she comes around, your flesh crawls and you walk on egg shells.  You might even have to tell yourself, "Try not to say anything...remember what happened the last time...do better."  Then before you know it, you are caught in that trap of discord again.  You start thinking about breaking free from your misery, but then...you opt out.  You recall just how much you love this person you can't seem to dismiss out of your life.  (For some of you reading this, a break up is not an option at this time--keep reading).

So what will you do the next time an argument breaks out?  Run to a relative or friends house?  Break every wall or door in the house?  Gossip about your mate to anyone willing to hear?  Argue until you both cry?  What, what will you do?  If you are doing any of the things previously mentioned, it is only a matter of time that all hell is going to break loose until the point of no return--police are called, someone is arrested or worse beaten, family show up and make your partner their business, etc.  If you really want to be with your mate, you have to make a change!

One.  Plan for the next argument.

It will happen especially if you are in a relationship with someone who is stubborn, strong-willed, or even crazy.  So you will need to plan what you are going to do.  Choose an exit from the disagreement that has the least amount of drama and then work yor way up to whatever it is that you truly want to do (ie. get married, stay married, break up, move, relocate...)  Don't hide your emotions and don't fight like a boxer either.  Figure out what your strategy might be when the yelling or crying starts.  Is this person someone you sincerely want to be with?  Then don't do anything that will jeopardize that.  Downplay the friction by not contributing to it.  Cursing, screaming, and fighting is not going to do anything more than damage your reputation, scare the witnesses, and make your partner want to handle you in whatever way is going to get you off his or her back.

Two.  Don't assume that everything your mate says is right, honest, and clearly illustrates how he or she truly feels.

You may disagree with the way your mate does things, yet agree that every negative thing he or she threatens is correct and you are going to do something about it too.  Hold off on the revenge tactics.  Not everyone in the heat of battle means what they say.  "But he said...and you just don't know...and if she ever acts like she is going to...I believe he means it this time!"  I could hear someone say. 

When someone really means something, they begin making their exit out of the home, they stop calling and coming around, they may even change their name and relocate to another city.  If your mate is still doing the typical things you are use to seeing him or her do, this person isn't going anywhere.  However, just in case he or she is acting like it is over, you might want to do the necessary things to start severing your ties to the relationship--only after there is significant proof.  Check out the break up articles on this blog.

Three.  Stop checking up on your mate, going through his or her things, surfing the Internet behind him or her, thinking negative things, etc.

The drama will continue to go on as long as you keep doing the kinds of things that say, "I don't trust you and I never will.  You are going to leave me, I just know it!"  The more you look for drama, the more you will upset yourself and those around you (ie. children).  People pick up on tension.  When you know that someone has a long history of being dishonest, you don't need any further proof.  Rather, you ought to think about why you are still with this person. 

Four.  Avoid trying to do more if you know you have already done enough.

How many things do you have to buy to prove your love?  How much sex do you have to put out to show you are interested?  How many family events do you have to attend to show everyone you stand by your man/woman?  What more do you have to say and do to show your mate you love him or her? 

You may be the one who is acting unappreciative or vice versa in the relationship.  If this is the case, then it would make sense to stop expecting more from your mate when it is obvious that he or she is still very much interested in you.  On the other hand, if you are the one trying to do your best, if your best is still not good enough, there is obviously something wrong with the person you are with.  Don't give more, start scaling back.  Less is best, at least for a time, because you are sending your mate a message, "You are taking advantage of me, if you want to keep me, stop critiquing/lying/asking/demanding more from me!"  However, if you withhold too much, too soon and for too long, you will create more drama that you just might not be able to manage.  Hold back enough to disrupt the atmosphere a little, pray (if you have a faith) then do your part to assist your loved one.  For instance, he constantly offers his opinion on something you do around the house, stop doing it for a time and leave it up to him.  She feels the need to check up on you often, don't answer her phone calls for a time and then explain why.

Consider the tips discussed and ponder on what else might be going on in your relationship that could be causing so much drama.  Write a note or make a recording of your thoughts.  Then reflect back on what you said or did during your last argument.  Listen or re-read your notes.  Chances are you might discover what role or lack thereof you might be playing in your relationship/dating dramas.  Put a stop to whatever is tearing you two apart!  God bless.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mothers Cry and Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

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