When You Don’t Love a Date, You Pity Him or Her by Nicholl McGuire

So a date is not the type of person you had in mind?  Yet, you give a date the chance to prove his or herself. Even with some quality time spent getting to know the individual, you don’t see a future with this date. But you have a weakness for people with problems, and this date has more than a few.

Money issues, problems with relatives, no family in town, or personal struggles, you believe that if you stick around and help a date with his or her life challenges maybe you might love this person one day. The damsel in distress or the desperate man has softened your heart with “I love you” or “I want to be with you.” You feel connected to this person.

But love is not what is happening here, it is pity and lust between you two. One is dependent on the other. The one doing the most in the relationship is acting like the rescuer. In time, if there is no love shared between the two the relationship becomes dysfunctional. The savior becomes controlling while the needy type behaves like a puppet, doing what is asked of his or her master.

You might pity this person, because he or she is going through a tough time. Further, you enjoy the rush you get when you help a person in need. However, being a good friend to someone is not the same as building one’s life with him or her. If a date has mentioned commitment, he or she most likely expects that one day you will want the same. Yet, if that is not what you have in mind, you might want to think about ending the relationship sooner rather than later. One can remain friendly without being sexual. Having sex with a needy person creates a strong bond and if you are not into him or her your attitude will show.

The date who believes that what he or she is experiencing is love is most likely in lust. It feels good when someone is doing nice things for another. But nice deeds don’t mean that a person who is doing them is in love. If you should find a date seems to be quick about expressing feelings and planning a future, know that this person is more concerned about getting out of a troublesome situation above everything else. Notice what might be happening in his or her life that is pushing him or her into your arms.

Sometimes a date will mention things about a costly expense like a current living arrangement, transportation, childcare, and utilities in the hopes that you will help. Couples have been known to rush cohabitation only to regret it. They have assumed they loved one another when later they learn what they were experiencing was a lust for one another. They conversed with one another about much, but failed to discuss how their decision might affect others such as children.


When one discovers that pity is driving a relationship and not feelings of love, step back and start making adjustments. Never lead a person into thinking that you could one day fall in love with him or her when you know that is the furthest thing from the truth!

Nicholl McGuire shares more tips for women and men in turbulent relationships, see here.

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