He Lives His Life as if We Weren’t Married; He Rarely Considers Me
Driving in his beautiful sports car, he is turning heads! He feels and looks good these days and you are happy for him. But this has been the latest stunt he has pulled in a series of selfish moves. Family and friends tell you that they have seen him at this person’s house, this club, this event and so on and you don’t even know about half of these places and the ones you do know about you know that they are up to no good! You want him to start living his life as if he is married to you and you want him to consider you, so what do you do?
First, you need to identify where you have gone wrong in this relationship to win his respect. He unfortunately has learned that whatever he does is okay with you. You may have allowed him to get away with what he does because you didn’t want to appear as if you are a nag. You can still appear that way, by stating your point and if it doesn’t get through to him going to your plan B. Now you may say, what is a plan B. A plan B is the plan you use when the first one doesn’t work. What’s yours? How do you get an adult male to listen to your wishes? You back it up with action. Some people use suttle actions like giving him the silent treatment (that rarely works) others take bolder steps like taking a sudden vacation, moving out, or getting a male in the family to come over and have a man-to-man conversation with him. All of these do work temporarily, but he shouldn’t have to be forced to do anything. The truth of the matter is a man who sincerely loves a woman will just examine his actions and work to make some changes. Tricks and power persuausion tactics shouldn’t be necessary.
Next, once you see that he is listening to you, praise him. Tell him that you appreciate him considering your feelings. Reward him like you do anyone who does something nice for you. However, if he isn’t making any changes and you have given him plenty of time to get his priorities straight (only you and he know how much time you need) and he still refuses to consider that you are his wife, then you will need to ask him the hard questions, does he really want to be married? He will most likely say, yes. But he isn’t acting like it, so if he can’t start acting like a husband he is leaving you no choice but to make an appointment with an attorney. If after you say this and wait for about a week or two and still no changes, then you will need to start making arrangements to move out and file the necessary paper work for a divorce. Some people will wait years and years hoping that someone will change, but if you know you aren’t patient enough to wait years then do what you must.
Third, he may have gave you some signs he wasn’t ready for marriage, but you ignored them. You may have been the one standing on your soap box debating on him why you think it is best for the both of you to get married. Your platform could have been because the Bible said we should, because we have children together, because your family likes me, because of all the wonderful things I have done for you.” These are very good arguments and persuasive, but they don’t keep people married, love does and he may have been trying to figure all of that out while you were picking out your wedding gown.
Fourth, once you have thought about the signs you have overlooked. Go to him with your concerns and ask him like you would a friend the same question you may have asked him on a different day, “Do you really want to be married?” He may be offended at this point that you would ask him again, but if he isn’t making any effort to change his bachelor ways, then you have no choice but to ask and tell him so.
Fifth, consult with a professional about areas in your relationship that you can’t seem to figure out. Yes there is much information on the Internet, but it can be confusing and it isn’t always the best advice. You need someone who will guide you to the advice you need tailored toyour situation. You can aseek this ort of individual counseling via the Internet, but if you can meet with a person face-to-face or discuss your issue over the phone do it.
Sixth, consider attending a marriage seminar. At these seminars you both will hear from speakers who will discuss the challenges of marriage and how you can solve your problems. You don’t have to worry about someone telling you to share your problems with an eager audience. You both can just sit back and listen to what the speakers are saying then go back home and apply those principals to your life.
Seventh, create a list of things you may not have wanted to discuss with him about how you feel he acts about being married. Drop the list off in a place you know he will get it and no one else will intercept it, like on his dresser, desk, in the bathroom, or on his favorite chair. He may begin to do the things you ask, because a note is less confrontational.
Eighth, of you do have a faith now is the time to use it. He knows exactly where you stand in the relationship and your prayer is that he will learn how to act in his role as your husband. You will also pray for guidance on how you are supposed to act as a wife to him. Study the Bible and other books on communication in relationships.
Ninth, observe those around you and read stories on the Internet about other women who have been in a similar situation as yourself. Some women will tell you that prior to having children he was still behaving like a single man, but after the children he became more of a family man. Others may talk of the difficult times that occurred in his life that enlightened him. Sometimes it takes the death of a parent, a murder of a friend, or someone lying on their deathbed to get through to people. However, some people will never change no matter what happens to them or those around them.
Tenth, after you have done all that you can do, back off. He doesn’t need more letters, conversations, and other things reminding him that he is not acting like a husband. Rather, focus on you and be sure that you are acting like a loving and kind wife.
There are many women like yourself who married men who are immature and don’t know much about being married except what they have learned from their parents or those around them which at times are poor examples. You may be the only source of information that will help him know his role as your husband, don’t take your service lightly.
By Nicholl McGuire