The Yes Date: We Have So Much in Common - NOT!

He said he liked what I liked and enjoyed this thing and that one whenever I mentioned them.  He was too good to be true.  Who was really driving this relationship, he or I?  When a date is trying to impress you with far too many statements like, "I do that too...What a coincidence I was thinking the same thing...I like that too!"  Look out, this person is trying real hard to stand out in the crowd.  He or she wants you to like him or her just as much as you like that thing you are eating or that place you often visit.

I can't tell you how many men have acted, that's right, I said acted like they like my hobbies, what I eat, where I like to go, and even how I style my hair, just to get close to me.  But as I learned more about these dates, I found that they were not interested in many things I liked.  What's worse, when I called them out on things that they said during our first meetings, they would become visibly upset, "No, you are mistaken, I didn't say...I don't recall telling you I liked...I never said I didn't like, what I said was..."  I'm not mistaken, stupid or a fool, I know what these dates said and their stories ended sooner rather than later with me too.

You have to watch these men and women who may not have dated in years, but are desperate to have a relationship with someone--anyone (tall, short, white, black, fat, skinny, wild or crazy) whether that is their preference or not.  Then there are those fresh out of a break up types that don't realize they are just looking for a rebound guy or gal until the ex comes crawling back (at least that is what they hope).  They pride themselves on trying to convince you that they are alright with you and whatever comes with you. 

You may have dated a "Yes Date" in the past.  He or she was that one that if you said, "I like" the Yes Date, like the Yes Man, would say, "Yes, I will go.  Yes, I will do that.  Yes, that's okay with me.  Yes, I will try that."  Then when you asked this person, "What did you think of...?"  He or she would lie and say, "It was fine, nice...I enjoyed it."  Yeah right, Liar!  At first it feels good to know that after years of being with a "No" kind of man or woman, it is a breath of fresh air to finally get that, "Yes!"  But remember, those exs use to be "Yes" people too until we found them out or they found us out. 

When one starts dating that special someone, let this person know early on what you like and don't like about all sorts of things.  The part about "don't like" will get lost between all the niceties, so it is your job to make what doesn't interest you relevant to your conversations with your dates.  However, you don't want to shower them with too many "don't likes" especially when you haven't spent that much time together and if your "don't like" has nothing to do with the events at hand.  You will just look like a complainer or negative person. 

It is always better to be forthright about your interests, rather than worry over how someone might react to you saying, "I don't like that but I do prefer this..."  If a person repeatedly judges, argues or teases you because you simply say, "No" to something or "...don't want..." something else, then that is one less person you need in your life!  As I said in another blog entry, "Cut your losses early!"

Nicholl McGuire

Don't Lie, Don't Leave Out Important Details

If you were riding in a car with a date you met recently and just chatting away about your life with him or her, you would most likely skip over all the negative stories and stick to the things that make you feel good and hopefully that person as well.  But sometimes those feel-good stories have some details that can't be omitted out without a date questioning later, "Well why did that happen?  What made you do what you did?  How did you end up with that person and move where you did?"  It is very tempting to alter a few details and leave truthful information out, but don't.  I repeat, don't!  Once you start down that path of omitting information or blatantly lying about details of your personal life, you will have to keep your story up.  You will start to look for a way to persuade someone to believe one thing while covering other things.  You will also find that you don't appear necessarily honest especially when you slip up.  If you have caught yourself lying or omitting details, come clean by saying something like, "I realized that I spoke to quickly...that didn't happen the way I had originally explained it, let me try again."

Self-centered people often miss out on decent relationships with honest individuals, because they aren't open, truthful, or even care much about the other person.  Rather their focus is on what material or sexual gain they might get before the night is over.  So being careful not to screw up an opportunity to appease one's flesh, they make their lives appear better than they are.  The Know-It-All acts smarter than she truly is.  The Liar acts like he is a man of integrity.  The Gossip pretends to be trustworthy.  The Abused appears to be strong.  So many personalities one has to deal with when dating.  Usually the truth reveals itself the longer you converse with the person, notice I didn't mention sleep with the person.  Spend too much time being behind closed doors with a date and not enough time getting to know the person in various atmospheres interacting with different people,  and your truth will take longer to get to.  The person will just learn how to cover his or her basis a little better so that he or she can keep getting fleshly needs met.  Don't be put off when one isn't responding to you in a way that other dates may have such as being affectionate and showering you with flattering statements, people who truly want to get to know a person look beyond the surface and arrest emotions at least for a time until they get to know you.

Seek truth when talking to your date.  Ask the basic questions that people are most comfortable about answering, but as you get more serious with this individual start asking those uncomfortable questions.  Watch mannerisms when questions are asked.  The liar is going to either try real hard to look honest, look away while giving a little bit of truth, give more information than necessary while still not really answering your questions, or digress to give his or her self time to think.  Some people become openly irritated and will try to hide their "dark side" by making jokes, smiling, or asking you to change the subject.  You may have done some things like this yourself.

When dates are truthful from the start, they will quickly realized whether they want to continue pursuing a relationship with one another or move on.  Cut your losses early, life is just too short!  Think of all the people who could have avoided a lot of unhappy years with someone had they been honest from the start!

Nicholl McGuire

Christian Single Women: Seven Things You Need to Know About Worldly Men

So you believe in God, but you also want to believe that you can have the kind of relationship with the opposite sex that would please your Creator as well.  What you don't want to do is compromise your beliefs in the process.  Read the following article if you are a Christian woman dating:

Christian Single Women: Seven Things You Need to Know About Worldly Men

Crazy Sex and Relationship Issues

Is it worth it?  Having wild sex with someone who leaves you in pain, mentally confused, or downright crazy?  Sex is meant to be enjoyed between two consenting individuals who love one another.  However, oftentimes sex is nothing more than a recreational sport that leaves some people bleeding, sick, and hurting emotionally and physically.

When you find that a supposed relationship has become nothing more than sex talk, sex shows, and sex here and sex there, then it's time to take a sex break.  You might want to ask yourself, "What more do I want out of a partnership besides sex?"  Can your intimate partner advise you in the areas of spirituality, finances, employment, etc.?  Does this person really care about you and your interests?  Do you see yourself one day being married and having children with him or her?

There are young men, women, teens, and worse children who have a poor concept as to what it means to be in a healthy relationship that uplifts them emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  They fail to understand that not everyone in this world is thinking about or even having sex contrary to what you see on the television screen or on the Internet.  There is so much more to living besides having sex with someone.  The best relationships earn the title of being "wonderful, great, good" because two people have their priorities in their proper place (and I must add are mature).  Having good communication, a steady income, goal-setting, and more are far more important than how often a couple has sex and where they do it.

For many couples, they have had less issues with partners when they didn't have sex so frequently.  They became less jealous, angry, controlling, and sad because they didn't feel the pressure to have to give everything to someone who they may or may not be convinced he or she would indeed handle them with care.  Think about this, a young person giving up time, money, possessions, and his or her body to an individual who cheats, lies, curses, and abuses them.  For most of us, we would say, "That's sad...Why would he/she do it?"  But the truth of the matter, many people have done just that!  This is why so many are divorced.  They prematurely gave everything for nothing.  They didn't bother to put the brakes on when it came to intimacy and allow feelings to grow in time.  They falsely assumed that the person smiling back at them cared about them just as much.  Days, weeks, or even months later, they learned the hard way when they would see a lover looking at other men/women, having sex with others, lying/covering up whereabouts, and often name-calling or cursing them.

So take a moment and reflect on your relationship and your future.  Break from sex and see whether you and your significant can have a partnership without such an emphasis on love-making.  For some of you reading this, you just might find out that all that glitters really isn't gold.

Nicholl McGuire

Note:  If you are a child reading this and are engaging in sex with an adult, know that you are being abused.  The adult is mentally sick and needs help.  You have a right to protect your body.  Get help and break free from abuse!  Visit Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and see child abuse.

How to Deal With Ex-Boyfriends

You got an ex boyfriend that keeps bothering you emotionally or physically?  You need to deal with "this issue" before it ruins your future happiness with someone else.  How to Deal With Ex-Boyfriends

When Seeking a Date at a Family Function

There are some dos and don'ts when trying to connect with someone at a family function.  If you don't want to be the butt of jokes, ashamed, or marked as a jerk or some other bad name, watch what you say and do.  Unlike others just enjoying time with the family, you are on a mission--good luck!

Here are some of the don'ts:

1.  Don't talk to anyone with bad breath.  Obvious advice right?  Think about how many people at family gatherings forget they ate something with onions or garlic and now they want to share their hot smelling breath with everyone. 

2.  Don't use a happy time to vent about your frustrations with life, work, government, religion, relationships, etc.  You will surely be marked as a loser!

3.  Don't lie or exaggerate because people who knew you when...will blow your cover.

As follows, here are some of the dos:

1.  Do ask questions.

2.  Do compliment your potential date.

3. Do listen to your potential date and do take the time to introduce this person to someone you know at the family gathering that he or she might not, share an interesting hobby, point out an interesting photo, etc.

Simple enough tips, right?  Let's see how you'll do.  Be sure to come back to this blog and tell your story.

Nicholl McGuire

Five tips for feuding couples

The following link is simple, rational advice for healthy couples.  Those who are in dysfunctional relationships should use this to compare.  Sometimes you need a healthy model of how to deal with issues in order to determine whether trying over and over again with a partner is really worth it.

Five tips for feuding couples

5 Things You Need to Know When Talking to Mothers about their Children

Whether you are single and have no children of your own or considering dating someone with children, there are some things you just don’t say if you hope to have a great relationship with a mom.

One.  “I would never…”

Every mother is different in the way she handles issues when it comes to her children.  What you might consider wrong, offensive, rude, or downright crazy, in her mind, she may not think so.  Consider this, if what she is doing is that bad, you might want to talk with a professional to see if you can get some help for her.  But if what she is doing is really no different than most mothers, then your personal thoughts on what you “would never do" are yours alone and should be kept to yourself.

Two.  “If that were my child…”

Once again, another personal opinion of what one believes he or she would do in a similar situation.  If you don’t want conflict with a doting mother or would rather not be ignored by her, don’t begin giving unsolicited advice with, “If that were my child…” rather ask, “Would you mind me asking you something about what you just did?” 

Three.  “I have watched children so I know…”

Some people claim to be an authority when it comes to parenting children because, “I watched my brothers and sisters…I have a couple of my own…”  How one trains his or her children may get desired results for that family, but not so much for someone else’s, especially when a son or daughter has been trained by a parent to act a certain way for years.  Sometimes it isn’t the fault of the mother when a child continues to perform in negative ways after being scolded numerous times, consider the father, in-laws, and others who are involved in the child’s life who encourage negativity.  When you see something bothering you about a child, and you call the mother’s attention to it, don’t argue with her when you see she is becoming defensive.  Chances are, she is already upset that the child is behaving the way he or she is and doesn’t need an argument from a witness too.

Four.  “Have you ever thought about how your child might feel…”

Although this is thought of as a nice way of bringing something up about a child to a parent to some who assume they know what's best, it just might turn into a big deal with many mothers.  It all depends on what you say afterward that will either win friends or cause World War III.  So be sure that what you are about to say is worth the possible tongue lashing that might follow.  There are many mothers that actually spend far too much time appeasing their children, acknowledging feelings, and giving them what they want.  Be certain that before you say something like this, she isn’t one of those mothers that is already doing far too much to protect her child’s feelings.

Five.  “I have a degree in…”

If you want to turn a mother off completely, start talking about your professional background when she is trying to manage her children, household, career, and more!  The last thing one should ever do, not just with a mother, but anyone is spout off one’s knowledge.  When someone is obviously struggling with many things, she doesn’t need a mouth, she needs a helping hand preferably with a gift that makes her job easier, helps out with her household, and keeps the children busy.

We can be too quick to speak sometimes, because we think we know what’s best.  When you are in the presence of a mother with children, do more observing and less talking.  Let her share her stories.  You will find the longer you listen to her, the more likely you will find that she has a reason why she says what she says and does what she does when it comes to parenting her children.  One way to communicate a message is to give her a phone number, a flier, or a business card that leads her to some help if you think she needs it or offer your service while expecting nothing in return.

When we take a moment to put ourselves in someone else's shoes, it makes a world of difference in our relationships with others.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of When Mothers Cry