7 Signs You are the Cause of Your Dating Problems

Every time you go out with someone, you feel something is missing.  You try to figure out what it might be, but you can’t.  Your dates have noticed at times you are distant, confused, and negative.  You often point the finger at your dates.  However, have you thought about what you might be doing or saying that is making your dates not want to ask you out on another date?

It can be hard to believe that your dates are coming to a quick end because of you.  Ego gets in the way and says, “It’s not my fault.  I didn’t cause the problem.”  Yet, the issues may lie with you from the start.  What is missing in your life?  Do you have any personal interests?  Are you being honest with yourself in area of your life such as money, relationship, job, etc.

When one isn’t happy with self he or she is not going to make anyone else happy.  Rather than bring positivity, one who is troubled is going to bring all that is negative to a relationship.  "The restaurant service could have been better.  The movie wasn’t that good.  The traffic is terrible."  The negative person goes on with their negativity, The place a date picked to visit after the meal was a poor choice.  The person’s choice in clothes was not appealing.  Notice the negativity in these statements?

What really is happening is somewhere within, a single seeking love should really be focused on finding the good in one’s self.  What do you like about you?  What brings a smile on your face?  What do you like to do?  How do you feel about love?  When was the last time you feel in love?  Why are you so negative when on dates?  Who hurt you?

7 Signs that you are the cause of why good dates turn bad show up when any of the following has occurred in your life.

1)    1) You have unresolved issues with an ex, a parent, or a friend.  You may have been rejected.  Someone may have let you down.  You trusted a person, but they proved to be untrustworthy.  Your negative feelings weren’t dealt with and now a new person is left having to deal with your disappointments, worries, anger, and fear.

2)     2)  You may have health issues that are impacting you in negative ways.  When you don’t feel good on the inside it will surely show on the outside.  When was the last time you visited a doctor and received treatment?

3)     3)  Your dates tend to get quiet or become distant after you converse about all that is wrong with everyone and everything.

4)     4)  You find that you are not sincerely getting to know people when you date, you are just looking for something to happen physically to ease whatever discomfort or need you may have.

5)     5)  You don’t make your dates feel welcome in your presence.  You may come off as angry.  When people don’t feel safe with others, they will avoid what they deem are toxic people.

6)     6)  Your dates have told you the truth about yourself and they have used negative words to describe you such as “impatient, irritable, moody, irrational, delusional, troubled, sick, crazy…”

7)     7)  You have a poor opinion of yourself and you share those views with your dates.  People are cautious of people who don’t think much of themselves.

What you can do is start by addressing personal issues before you date again.  Give yourself time to think about yourself and what you really want.  Work on making some changes mentally, physically and spiritually that uplift you as well as others.  Stop hoping, wishing and praying that someone will come into your life to save you from your mess.  

The sooner you realize how valuable you are, the better you will feel.  Someone may be waiting for the real you to come out, the one who would very much like to live his or her best life now.  However, if you are unwilling to improve you, your dates will continue to be disappointing in the future.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men

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Listener requested - When the Narcissist Stalks, Obsesses

Manipulative Men Create Themselves to be Everything You Ever Wanted

He said all the right things based on what he had already learned about me.

He promised me that we would go to fun places and see cool things.

He told me that he loved me and how stupid the last man was for letting me go.

He bought me everything I ever wanted.

He seemed like he really wanted to know me, he asked me lots of questions.

All of what I mentioned above was what I remembered during the dating phase with various men.  They were nice-looking, charming, but all had dark sides.  They took the time to get to know me because "I was different...pretty, smart...liked my smile."  Oh yea, the smile.  They all found my smile very attractive.  But I wasn't sold much on their looks, it was their voices.  I was lured by the tone of their voices and what they promised.

Back then, in my 20s.  Now in my forties.  I know now when a man is attempting to make himself into something I would desire even though I am married and they know it.  They still try.  One tried to play down his habits, the kind he knew I didn't have.  Another individual tried to hide his seeing different women, what did I care?  I am married.  Other men asked me personal questions and then used my answers to paint the perfect picture.  Hmm.  I recognized them, they were a lot like me!  lol  Thanks for flattering me by copying my interests and even dressing professional like me.

Looking back on my younger self, I didn't connect the dots.  I just wanted to believe that those men were everything I ever wanted.  But the truth was, they were ignorant when it came to dating, mating, and showing women love.  Their game plan was always to act like the man of her dreams.  They failed at keeping the act going.  Sooner or later I was going to purposely say or do something to shatter their fake personas!

If I could do my dating life all over again, I would have kept those men in the friend zone.  They were not ready for any relationship and neither was I.  I would have enjoyed simply going out with them without a single touch.  I would have loved to receive typewritten messages from them back then had cell phones existed (lol) instead of meeting up with a couple of them.  I would have simply treated them like so many high school boys I knew, friends without benefits--just cool people to talk or hang out with.

Now I am older and I shudder at the thought of being single in the future.  Dating (sigh).  Marriages end either in divorce or death so dating again just might be something I do.  Someone somewhere will want to go out on a date.  He could be a great guy or a mean manipulator either way he is going to put on an act and I will have to be the one to break his false front.  If you should suspect that someone isn't quite right that you are dating, believe it!  Don't try to be something you are not to appease him.  You have lived in your body for quite a long time, so be content with being who you are whether a date likes you or not!

If you would like to break the "charming" act and find out whether a man is genuinely nice, considerate, patient, caring, etc. consider the following tips.  They just might save you from a future of misery.

1)  Ask questions that are uncomfortable after a few dates such as:  what did he use on his hair to make it stay that way or where did he find those pants...?  Watch his facial expressions.

2)  Joke about something like him tripping or a spill he made.  Notice his response.

3)  Go somewhere where there is a long line and/or travel with him on a busy highway known for slow-moving traffic.  Notice his behavior.

4)  Cancel a date and listen to how he responds.

5)  Find a place you enjoy and see if he is willing to go along with you or change your mind.

6)  Pay attention to whether he respects your space or privacy.  Does he show up unannounced or attempts to persuade you to stop whatever you are doing or cancel your plans so that he can come for a visit?

7)  Listen for any conversation that reveals personal details about himself without trying to get information from you.  Does he share much about himself or answers your questions thoroughly?

A manipulator is not going to be able to keep up an act especially one of patience, kindness, generosity, and more when he is negatively triggered from traffic, rejection, personal questions, and jokes.  His ugly self is sure to show up.  Emotionally abusive and controlling manipulators will use name-calling, ignoring, tears, and/or the silent treatment to get you to behave yourself.  Physically abusive manipulators oftentimes will handle you aggressively: push, grab, pull, spit, kick, punch, and choke.  All the while, you will be thinking whatever happened to that nice gentleman I once knew.

Nicholl McGuire

Beware: The Date Who Lies about Liking Travel or the Outdoors

The lonely single woman, back on the dating scene, sucked it up when they first started dating; she went skiing with her new date: The Adventure Seeker despite her personal fears.  When asked out again, she attended a conference in another state with him.  He had a bright idea to go hiking, so she accompanied him reluctantly on that trip too.  

As the connection grew deeper, the bachelorette finally confessed one day, “I don’t like traveling or the outdoors.  Please don’t ask me to go with you again, but you are welcome to have a ball by yourself, without another woman, of course.”  What!  He was shocked, disappointed, and started to think, “This isn’t going to work.”  What drew him to her was that dating profile where she checked off that she liked the outdoors and traveling.  She thought that her date had forgotten about that, "...just harmless lies. He'll get over it, " she reasoned.  But he didn't.

The future is forever changed when one lies about interests, hobbies and preferences.  Sooner or later the lies don’t become the truth, they are exposed!  The handsome and fit gentleman detected while on those trips his date just wasn’t into those things like she had claimed.  One of those occasions he wanted her to come clean, but she never did.

Think before you tell yet another lie if you are one who is guilty of this sort of behavior.  As much as it might be tempting to be dishonest because that guy or gal is your fantasy partner, it’s never a good idea to lie in the short or long term.  Trust is impacted early on in the previous fictional example.  If the guy was to continue with the relationship, he would question what else might his date had lied to him about.

Dates tend to lie about many things from the start of meeting them from their actual height to income.  “Not only is he shorter than his photograph, but he doesn’t have any money to pay for the date,” thinks the Once Eager Date seeking “Mr. Right.”  That all went out the window at first glance and conversation.  As much as one might think a person is quite shallow for desiring a certain type of man or woman, keep in mind that a date is entitled to his or her preferences whether they are reasonable or not.  If the date wants a tall guy with a bank account and the guy in front of her isn’t that and he has lied about who he is, she has the right to walk away.   

Mr. Outdoors, who likes to travel, is in search of Ms. Outdoors.  He didn’t get her and so moved on.   The lesson to be learned, be honest and don’t say you like to do something that you really don’t just to appease someone else--that’s manipulative!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues and other books.

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