Our relationships give us the comfort we need. Our relationships also give us pain. A relationship can work in both the ways and either way it affects our career and business success. Let us see how?
Why Relationships? We relate with someone because otherwise we feel incomplete. We need a person to share our life. We want to talk about our inner thoughts, desires, pains and pleasures with a partner. We feel incomplete without a relationship. That is the primary reason of our relationship.
What does relationship do? A relationship gives us peace and a friend. It helps us beat our loneliness and gives us a partner to share. A relationship gives us somebody who will inspire us at the time of our defeats.
Relationships and career- If we enjoy a healthy relationship, we feel good. We feel very optimistic. Our state of mind is positive. We are empowered to fight any odd and dream of great achievements. A good relationship gives us a high that can help us achieve a lot in our business and career. No body can achieve great success if his/her relationship is not good. That is a personal failure and takes away lot of time in thinking and negative mental state. Those who enjoy a healthy and enriching relationship, have a higher chance of enjoying big success in career.
About the Author
CDMohatta writes articles on Relationships, love, Divorce, Dating and other related issues of life. Please read articles from Love Articles & Advice and Relationships Articles & Advice . He also writes text for Free Screensavers. You can download as many as you wish at no cost. They are free for you. Please download free wallpapers and screensavers at http://www.screene.com/
Relationship Communication Problems - The Crisis in Male-Female Conversation Crying Out For Attention
Relationship communication problems are very common. There are a number of ways we can look at what these basic relationship problems are all about.
One of the first things to say is it seems men are primarily responsible for the issues associated with marital and relationship problems to do with communication.
I imagine a lot of men reading the last sentence would become very defensive about that statement and think it is another example of male bashing.
On the other hand there is every chance many women reading it would identify with what is said and wholeheartedly agree with the statement.
Adele Horin, a columnist in the Sydney Morning Herald, writes about relationship communication problems. She says there is a "..shortage of men that women can relate to. The crisis in male-female conversation cries out for more attention. Relationships are being destroyed, or aborted at first date..."
She goes on "Say a woman has found a man... Before long she has detected the fatal flaw. 'He just doesn't listen. He won't talk to me.' She thinks it is an individual problem, and that a more sympathetic conversational mate can be found..But this conversational crisis is bigger than any individual. It is gender-wide. And it starts young."
Boys imitate the modeling of other men and she says, "..boys - with exceptions of course - soon develop the minimalist style mothers, girlfriends and wives despair of."
A male reader responded to Adele's column in the letters page of the "Herald". He wrote, "..The fact is women are terrible communicators."
He added, "Women arrogantly take the stance that their way is superior, against all the evidence, and refuse to be rational, constructive and inclusive. Instead of trying to change male behavior to suit themselves - a tactic that seems to be failing - perhaps it would be better to accept their own shortcomings and work on modifying them."
Can you imagine the relationship communication problems experienced with someone like this man. I think he is so extreme and when I first read it I thought he might have been saying all this with his tongue in his cheek, but I don't think so. I think he is serious.
Horin asks the question about how men are like this when she says, "Who knows how these patterns are established?"
I have some idea how it has happened and I will explain this and show how it has created relationship communication problems.
There has been a widespread belief in the world that men are superior to women. This was the accepted view for thousands of years. Some think this is no longer the case, yet there is ample evidence to suggest it is still firmly in place.
It is not my intention to expand on this here, but simply to state it as a fact. I am now going to show how this has impacted males to bring about the conversational crisis.
If, as males, we see ourselves as superior, this places us on a higher level and women on a lower level. On the whole, men seem unable to feel equal to women: they must be superior or they are inferior.
It's like a competition, it is win/lose. If I'm not in charge or on a higher level, then she will be, and I'll be on a lower level and she'll be in charge, and it's not supposed to be like that.
So when it comes to relationship communication problems, it is paramount men demonstrate how the proper structure is in place. What better way of doing this than not listening or taking any notice of women.
It is like men might as well be saying, "who do you think you are, you are not on my level, I don't have to listen to you, or acknowledge you. You don't count anyway, so what you have to say is not important."
When we listen to others, we are acknowledging they are on the same level, and are equally important to us.
Other aspects of this are, when it comes to feelings, if we see ourselves as being superior, it follows we are above all that. It's okay for you inferior lot to get caught up in that rubbish, as that is the stuff of weaklings, but we are not like that.
The other matter related to this that creates relationship communication problems, is the issue of the ability to understand and share the feelings of another - in other words empathy.
Men are notorious for their lack of empathy. It is just like the listening question. Given women are inferior and therefore don't count, why should men be concerned about how they feel, because women don't matter.
This is the only way I have been able to make sense of these relationship communication problems. I'm sure many women can identify with my explanation, and I hope I have given men some things to think about, and how they can make changes.
Author Bio: Leo Ryan is a counselor with over twenty years experience in the field dealing primarily with relationships. He has given many talks, seminars and workshops on the subject, as well as being interviewed by all sectors of the media about his work. He is passionate about people having great relationships, and his website is dedicated to that purpose.He is the author of the ebook "How to Have An Extraordinary Relationship". http://www.relationship-tips-for-you.com
One of the first things to say is it seems men are primarily responsible for the issues associated with marital and relationship problems to do with communication.
I imagine a lot of men reading the last sentence would become very defensive about that statement and think it is another example of male bashing.
On the other hand there is every chance many women reading it would identify with what is said and wholeheartedly agree with the statement.
Adele Horin, a columnist in the Sydney Morning Herald, writes about relationship communication problems. She says there is a "..shortage of men that women can relate to. The crisis in male-female conversation cries out for more attention. Relationships are being destroyed, or aborted at first date..."
She goes on "Say a woman has found a man... Before long she has detected the fatal flaw. 'He just doesn't listen. He won't talk to me.' She thinks it is an individual problem, and that a more sympathetic conversational mate can be found..But this conversational crisis is bigger than any individual. It is gender-wide. And it starts young."
Boys imitate the modeling of other men and she says, "..boys - with exceptions of course - soon develop the minimalist style mothers, girlfriends and wives despair of."
A male reader responded to Adele's column in the letters page of the "Herald". He wrote, "..The fact is women are terrible communicators."
He added, "Women arrogantly take the stance that their way is superior, against all the evidence, and refuse to be rational, constructive and inclusive. Instead of trying to change male behavior to suit themselves - a tactic that seems to be failing - perhaps it would be better to accept their own shortcomings and work on modifying them."
Can you imagine the relationship communication problems experienced with someone like this man. I think he is so extreme and when I first read it I thought he might have been saying all this with his tongue in his cheek, but I don't think so. I think he is serious.
Horin asks the question about how men are like this when she says, "Who knows how these patterns are established?"
I have some idea how it has happened and I will explain this and show how it has created relationship communication problems.
There has been a widespread belief in the world that men are superior to women. This was the accepted view for thousands of years. Some think this is no longer the case, yet there is ample evidence to suggest it is still firmly in place.
It is not my intention to expand on this here, but simply to state it as a fact. I am now going to show how this has impacted males to bring about the conversational crisis.
If, as males, we see ourselves as superior, this places us on a higher level and women on a lower level. On the whole, men seem unable to feel equal to women: they must be superior or they are inferior.
It's like a competition, it is win/lose. If I'm not in charge or on a higher level, then she will be, and I'll be on a lower level and she'll be in charge, and it's not supposed to be like that.
So when it comes to relationship communication problems, it is paramount men demonstrate how the proper structure is in place. What better way of doing this than not listening or taking any notice of women.
It is like men might as well be saying, "who do you think you are, you are not on my level, I don't have to listen to you, or acknowledge you. You don't count anyway, so what you have to say is not important."
When we listen to others, we are acknowledging they are on the same level, and are equally important to us.
Other aspects of this are, when it comes to feelings, if we see ourselves as being superior, it follows we are above all that. It's okay for you inferior lot to get caught up in that rubbish, as that is the stuff of weaklings, but we are not like that.
The other matter related to this that creates relationship communication problems, is the issue of the ability to understand and share the feelings of another - in other words empathy.
Men are notorious for their lack of empathy. It is just like the listening question. Given women are inferior and therefore don't count, why should men be concerned about how they feel, because women don't matter.
This is the only way I have been able to make sense of these relationship communication problems. I'm sure many women can identify with my explanation, and I hope I have given men some things to think about, and how they can make changes.
Author Bio: Leo Ryan is a counselor with over twenty years experience in the field dealing primarily with relationships. He has given many talks, seminars and workshops on the subject, as well as being interviewed by all sectors of the media about his work. He is passionate about people having great relationships, and his website is dedicated to that purpose.He is the author of the ebook "How to Have An Extraordinary Relationship". http://www.relationship-tips-for-you.com
Why Relationship Problems Just Don't Seem to Go Away?
I am learning this as I write, we simply want to make someone do what we want them to do whether we are right or wrong. From a woman's perspective, I have spent years meeting men and then seeing something about them that I don't like and then I tell them about it and hope they would change. The problem is they don't want to change when I want them to and I don't have the patience to stick it out, so we break up.
Listen, I don't want to be any man's mother, but sometimes as women we become just that! We expect them to do as we say and when they don't we get angry. All men have flaws, because if they didn't the woman that came before you would have never let the relationship die without a fight, but evidently she was like you, she couldn't change him either! So here's a simple lesson when it comes to relating to men, if you want to make your relationship work then you will have to say, "I accept...flaw...he is unwilling to change and I can't make him." Who knows, one day he might, but don't count on it. Instead, it's up to you to make a decision, "Do I want to stay with this man or not?" If you want to stay with him then you will have to accept his flaws, but if you can't bear to deal with another one of his flaws then leave!
When a woman stays with a man that she knows is unwilling to change no matter how much he hurts himself, her and the family, then she becomes a fool for love! Then when she becomes a fool, she starts acting like one! She nags him, checks up on him, follows him, uses the children to get information on him, threatens him, belittles him, abuses him, etc. And what will the man do when he sees her behaving this way, that's right...he shuts her out, cheats on her, abuses her, belittles her, lies to her, threatens her, and so on...
So the advice in this blog is simple, when you can no longer accept the flaws in your partner, so do yourself and him a favor and end the relationship for good! You say, "Easier said than done..." An attempt is all you need. From a phone call to a formal document signed and dated, once your mind is made up, you will do it. But if you find yourself making excuses, then you aren't ready (those in abusive relationships Click Here,) so stay there until you are ready to leave.
Written by Nicholl McGuire
Listen, I don't want to be any man's mother, but sometimes as women we become just that! We expect them to do as we say and when they don't we get angry. All men have flaws, because if they didn't the woman that came before you would have never let the relationship die without a fight, but evidently she was like you, she couldn't change him either! So here's a simple lesson when it comes to relating to men, if you want to make your relationship work then you will have to say, "I accept...flaw...he is unwilling to change and I can't make him." Who knows, one day he might, but don't count on it. Instead, it's up to you to make a decision, "Do I want to stay with this man or not?" If you want to stay with him then you will have to accept his flaws, but if you can't bear to deal with another one of his flaws then leave!
When a woman stays with a man that she knows is unwilling to change no matter how much he hurts himself, her and the family, then she becomes a fool for love! Then when she becomes a fool, she starts acting like one! She nags him, checks up on him, follows him, uses the children to get information on him, threatens him, belittles him, abuses him, etc. And what will the man do when he sees her behaving this way, that's right...he shuts her out, cheats on her, abuses her, belittles her, lies to her, threatens her, and so on...
So the advice in this blog is simple, when you can no longer accept the flaws in your partner, so do yourself and him a favor and end the relationship for good! You say, "Easier said than done..." An attempt is all you need. From a phone call to a formal document signed and dated, once your mind is made up, you will do it. But if you find yourself making excuses, then you aren't ready (those in abusive relationships Click Here,) so stay there until you are ready to leave.
Written by Nicholl McGuire
How Do I End A Relationship?
If you are in a relationship that has run its course - meaning the relationship seems to have fizzled out how are you going to end it? One of you has to. Often times relationships will continue long after the "magic" is gone because ending a relationship can be difficult. Does breaking up have to be hard? If you've been wondering "how do I end a relationship" so that neither person gets hurt here is some helpful advice.
1. First you need to be crystal clear as to why you want the relationship to end. The "easiest" reason that jumps into your head may not be the real reason at all. Dig deep and be sure you have a clear understanding of why you want the relationship to end.
2. Be honest with yourself and your partner. Now is not the time to beat around the bush or fabricate lies. In most cases people deserve the truth. In the end each of you will be better off if you are truthful regarding the break up.
3. Whenever possible, end the relationship in person. Avoid breaking up over the phone. If you and your soon to be ex live far from each other then it is better to break up over the phone vs. waiting for a time when you can be together. Do it sooner than later.
4. Be compassionate. The break up shouldn't be mean or angry, especially if you want to stay friends afterwards. Be sympathetic to their feelings as well as your own.
5. When considering "how do I end a relationship" remember not to put your partner on the defensive. Don't throw out accusation after accusation. Talk about the good times and the memories that you will embrace. Try to respond to their needs during the break up if possible.
6. Although difficult - don't make it (or take it personally). This is an emotional time and things may be said that are hurtful. Let them go.
7. Try to be there for your partner. They may need to discuss the break up more than once before they can come to terms with it. On the flip side of that they may need space and distance from you. Give them what they need to get through this difficult time.
8. Avoid feeling guilty about the break up. Your partner may try to make you feel guilty for ending the relationship. This is normal but it should not stop you from moving on. If you are breaking up for the right reasons then there is no reason that you should feel guilty.
9. Is this break up final? Only you can decide this. You may just need some space from each other and time to work through whatever is bothering you. Most relationships can be saved.
How do I end a relationship? If you are determined to walk away it's best to just do it and move on.
Ending a relationship is difficult most of the times. If you are wondering "how do I end a relationship" without hurting someone of course there are no guarantees. We can't predict how another person will react or how emotional they will get. But if you follow this advice breaking up can be made a little easier for both parties involved.
About the Author:
Are you wondering "how do I end a relationship" to minimize hurt feelings? See ebook "Understanding Why Men Leave A Relationship" (link no longer active). Peter Harris is a health care professional with a specialty interest in promoting healthy relationships.
1. First you need to be crystal clear as to why you want the relationship to end. The "easiest" reason that jumps into your head may not be the real reason at all. Dig deep and be sure you have a clear understanding of why you want the relationship to end.
2. Be honest with yourself and your partner. Now is not the time to beat around the bush or fabricate lies. In most cases people deserve the truth. In the end each of you will be better off if you are truthful regarding the break up.
3. Whenever possible, end the relationship in person. Avoid breaking up over the phone. If you and your soon to be ex live far from each other then it is better to break up over the phone vs. waiting for a time when you can be together. Do it sooner than later.
4. Be compassionate. The break up shouldn't be mean or angry, especially if you want to stay friends afterwards. Be sympathetic to their feelings as well as your own.
5. When considering "how do I end a relationship" remember not to put your partner on the defensive. Don't throw out accusation after accusation. Talk about the good times and the memories that you will embrace. Try to respond to their needs during the break up if possible.
6. Although difficult - don't make it (or take it personally). This is an emotional time and things may be said that are hurtful. Let them go.
7. Try to be there for your partner. They may need to discuss the break up more than once before they can come to terms with it. On the flip side of that they may need space and distance from you. Give them what they need to get through this difficult time.
8. Avoid feeling guilty about the break up. Your partner may try to make you feel guilty for ending the relationship. This is normal but it should not stop you from moving on. If you are breaking up for the right reasons then there is no reason that you should feel guilty.
9. Is this break up final? Only you can decide this. You may just need some space from each other and time to work through whatever is bothering you. Most relationships can be saved.
How do I end a relationship? If you are determined to walk away it's best to just do it and move on.
Ending a relationship is difficult most of the times. If you are wondering "how do I end a relationship" without hurting someone of course there are no guarantees. We can't predict how another person will react or how emotional they will get. But if you follow this advice breaking up can be made a little easier for both parties involved.
About the Author:
Are you wondering "how do I end a relationship" to minimize hurt feelings? See ebook "Understanding Why Men Leave A Relationship" (link no longer active). Peter Harris is a health care professional with a specialty interest in promoting healthy relationships.
Top Five Things To Do Instead of Nagging
Ladies, here is a news flash for you. You know this already, but I am officially confirming that men do not respond well, if at all, to nagging. If you want something from a man and you have been reduced to nagging him to get it, you stand a better change of a winning a snow ball fight in hell.
A reader of mine, who we will call Julie emailed me recently saying she was simply exhausted with trying to get her husband to help out with the housework. She admitted she was constantly nagging him, however, no matter how, or how many times she pleaded with him, nothing. He simply did not respond. Julie, who works full time and takes care of two children and the house has come to a breaking point. Although she isn't actually considering leaving, she is actually considering threatening him with a separation. Should she resort to threats??? NO!!! First of all, threatening to leave a marriage when you simply don't mean it is a huge mistake. Secondly, her husband probably wouldn't even hear her threat. He tuned her out long ago...
So, what's a frustrated woman to do if nagging isn't working, (and it never does)? Here are some other, hopefully more constructive and effective methods for getting through to your man.
1. Put your "honey do" list in writing. A short note or even an email will be better received. Men like lists of tasks. They like to check things off. They like to see they are making progress. Most importantly, they like having something to refer back to. Stick to the facts. Make a simple no frills to do list. Email it, or leave it for him where he will find it. Do not hand deliver it, as you will be tempted to explain to him why you are resorting to a written list. Simply leave it on the bathroom counter, sit back, and wait for results.
2. Ask him to work on something with you. "Honey, can you help me with the dishes? I want to hear about your day." Sure, it's not as effective as getting him to do it all himself. However, it's much more effective then you doing it alone, fuming and lonely.
3. Ask him once to do something, then don't ask again. The key to success is this. You don't do it either. After a week of no dishes getting done, your man is likely to respond to the visual Que of stacks of dishes piling up on the counter. Men are visual. He will get this. He will do the dishes. In the mean time, you may get some meals out.
4. Have a discussion about hiring help. "Honey, I'm feeling overwhelmed with all the housework. It's clear to me you are too. I don't want to nag or fight with you about it, so I have scheduled a few interviews with house help. The first one is next Wednesday. I would love for you to be here so you can help me decide who to hire..."
5. Stop nagging. Stop talking at all. Men respond to a woman's absence or silence much more then they do her talking. Eventually he will notice the absence of your voice, wonder what's up, and come looking for you. This will open a brief window for a conversation about whatever is bothering you.
Written by LISA HAYES
A reader of mine, who we will call Julie emailed me recently saying she was simply exhausted with trying to get her husband to help out with the housework. She admitted she was constantly nagging him, however, no matter how, or how many times she pleaded with him, nothing. He simply did not respond. Julie, who works full time and takes care of two children and the house has come to a breaking point. Although she isn't actually considering leaving, she is actually considering threatening him with a separation. Should she resort to threats??? NO!!! First of all, threatening to leave a marriage when you simply don't mean it is a huge mistake. Secondly, her husband probably wouldn't even hear her threat. He tuned her out long ago...
So, what's a frustrated woman to do if nagging isn't working, (and it never does)? Here are some other, hopefully more constructive and effective methods for getting through to your man.
1. Put your "honey do" list in writing. A short note or even an email will be better received. Men like lists of tasks. They like to check things off. They like to see they are making progress. Most importantly, they like having something to refer back to. Stick to the facts. Make a simple no frills to do list. Email it, or leave it for him where he will find it. Do not hand deliver it, as you will be tempted to explain to him why you are resorting to a written list. Simply leave it on the bathroom counter, sit back, and wait for results.
2. Ask him to work on something with you. "Honey, can you help me with the dishes? I want to hear about your day." Sure, it's not as effective as getting him to do it all himself. However, it's much more effective then you doing it alone, fuming and lonely.
3. Ask him once to do something, then don't ask again. The key to success is this. You don't do it either. After a week of no dishes getting done, your man is likely to respond to the visual Que of stacks of dishes piling up on the counter. Men are visual. He will get this. He will do the dishes. In the mean time, you may get some meals out.
4. Have a discussion about hiring help. "Honey, I'm feeling overwhelmed with all the housework. It's clear to me you are too. I don't want to nag or fight with you about it, so I have scheduled a few interviews with house help. The first one is next Wednesday. I would love for you to be here so you can help me decide who to hire..."
5. Stop nagging. Stop talking at all. Men respond to a woman's absence or silence much more then they do her talking. Eventually he will notice the absence of your voice, wonder what's up, and come looking for you. This will open a brief window for a conversation about whatever is bothering you.
Written by LISA HAYES
Is Jealousy Destroying Your Relationship? Banishing The Green-eyed Monster From Your Relationship
Jealousy is a common problem that couples present when they go to counseling. When one partner chooses jealous behaviors, the dynamics of the relationship change. They are no longer a couple in an Adult Relationship.
Now they are caught in a cycle of Investigator and Suspect. The Investigator spends an enormous amount of energy checking up on the Suspect, who may or may not be doing anything reprehensible. The Suspect spends time defending and explaining his/her behaviors. They are locked in a pattern which will destroy their relationship and they usually don’t what to do.
Both partners are miserable playing this game. The game is all about Control. "If I don’t check up on her, she'll make me look stupid" or "He'll make a fool of me." People who choose jealous behaviors may not realize that their behavior looks pretty silly or even crazy. Their partner didn't "make" them look stupid.
I was actually told by several women that "all men cheat." If this is your belief, you are probably an Investigator. Problem is: you have to sleep sometime. You can’t chain yourself to your partner. You have decided that you alone are capable of controlling your partner’s behavior. What’s more, you've decided it's your Job as his partner to keep him from cheating on you.
What a way to live your life, spending your time spying on each other! Trust is a decision. It’s not based on how the other person acts. If you choose to stay with a partner who is not trustworthy, you are doing so with your eyes open. If you are choosing jealousy without cause, you are doing so to control your partner.
The very things you do to control your partner are the things that will drive your partner away. Are you ready to try something different?
Keep in mind that jealous behavior is a choice you are making. It starts with your thoughts: I wonder where he is. She’s probably with someone right now. Why didn't he call me when he said he would? Why is she wearing that dress? Who was that woman who called him?
These thoughts lead to your behaviors, such as calling excessively (read, more than twice during work hours), listening in on phone conversations, checking phone lists and emails, interrogating your partner, and many other destructive behaviors.
You begin to feel awful after imagining all of the things your partner is doing (these are thoughts; you can change them). You can also change your behaviors if you choose to. If jealously is destroying your relationship, there is hope if you are willing to do the work.
First, if you're with someone who is trustworthy, you can change the thoughts that are plaguing you. Whenever you get those thoughts that start your heart racing, ask yourself the following questions:
What evidence is there that my thought is true?
What evidence is there that my thought is false?
What would someone else say about this thought?
What other explanation could there be?
After you answer these questions, decide what new course of action you will take based on this exercise. Repeat this as often as needed. Hopefully, you will soon find yourself feeling calmer and less ready to play the Investigator and Suspect game.
About the Author
Michelle E. Vásquez is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice in San Antonio, TX. Relationship blogs: http://languageofrelating.blogspot.com and http://awaresingle.blogspot.com.
Now they are caught in a cycle of Investigator and Suspect. The Investigator spends an enormous amount of energy checking up on the Suspect, who may or may not be doing anything reprehensible. The Suspect spends time defending and explaining his/her behaviors. They are locked in a pattern which will destroy their relationship and they usually don’t what to do.
Both partners are miserable playing this game. The game is all about Control. "If I don’t check up on her, she'll make me look stupid" or "He'll make a fool of me." People who choose jealous behaviors may not realize that their behavior looks pretty silly or even crazy. Their partner didn't "make" them look stupid.
I was actually told by several women that "all men cheat." If this is your belief, you are probably an Investigator. Problem is: you have to sleep sometime. You can’t chain yourself to your partner. You have decided that you alone are capable of controlling your partner’s behavior. What’s more, you've decided it's your Job as his partner to keep him from cheating on you.
What a way to live your life, spending your time spying on each other! Trust is a decision. It’s not based on how the other person acts. If you choose to stay with a partner who is not trustworthy, you are doing so with your eyes open. If you are choosing jealousy without cause, you are doing so to control your partner.
The very things you do to control your partner are the things that will drive your partner away. Are you ready to try something different?
Keep in mind that jealous behavior is a choice you are making. It starts with your thoughts: I wonder where he is. She’s probably with someone right now. Why didn't he call me when he said he would? Why is she wearing that dress? Who was that woman who called him?
These thoughts lead to your behaviors, such as calling excessively (read, more than twice during work hours), listening in on phone conversations, checking phone lists and emails, interrogating your partner, and many other destructive behaviors.
You begin to feel awful after imagining all of the things your partner is doing (these are thoughts; you can change them). You can also change your behaviors if you choose to. If jealously is destroying your relationship, there is hope if you are willing to do the work.
First, if you're with someone who is trustworthy, you can change the thoughts that are plaguing you. Whenever you get those thoughts that start your heart racing, ask yourself the following questions:
What evidence is there that my thought is true?
What evidence is there that my thought is false?
What would someone else say about this thought?
What other explanation could there be?
After you answer these questions, decide what new course of action you will take based on this exercise. Repeat this as often as needed. Hopefully, you will soon find yourself feeling calmer and less ready to play the Investigator and Suspect game.
About the Author
Michelle E. Vásquez is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice in San Antonio, TX. Relationship blogs: http://languageofrelating.blogspot.com and http://awaresingle.blogspot.com.
Love Revisited: Helpful Do’s & Don’ts For The Widow/Widower Embracing New Love
Is it possible to mourn the loss of a beloved spouse and, while still grieving, to not only meet someone special, but fall in love and begin to build a new relationship that includes a commitment to sharing your lives? Can we overlap our loving and our grieving? The answer is a profound: YES! But, to smooth the path, keep these helpful Do’s and Don’ts in mind:
• Do allow yourself the joy of healing and moving on.
• Do allow yourself to feel good when this happens.
• Don’t feel guilty. You have been respectful, loving and caring towards your late spouse. Time has passed. It is healthy to want your life to move forward. Try to recognize your emotions every step of the way and not shy away from inner scrutiny, or back off from facing your emotions.
• Do know that it is possible to combine families with adult children no longer living at home.
• Do know that it will not always be smooth sailing; there will be moments of arguments and disagreements to work through.
Commonly, jealousy, fear, abandonment and money issues come up, even for your grown children. Will he leave “her” in “his” will? Will he forget about us? Will he respect our grieving? Be aware that often even the adult child feels, “I am not ready for this.” I want my dad/mom to be happy but not so fast….I’m still grieving for my mom/dad; I’m not ready to think about a “replacement” for his or her love. It may be hard for children at any age to fully understand that the bereaved are lonely and, if the widow or widower had a good marriage, this can further motivate the longing for another partner. There is also the sense of urgency, i.e., “time is running out and life will not go on forever”.
Tactfulness, thoughtfulness, and consideration for the feelings of children of all ages are so important, as well as the understanding that fathers and mothers grieve differently than their children who have their own important timetable. One cannot hurry the process of your grief, your adult children leading their own lives, or that of younger children.
While you want your life to move forward, a sensitive and understanding parent needs to recognize and be especially responsive to the needs of children living at home; children who are grieving the loss of their mother or father. The child needs the "daddy" or "mommy" that’s left. They need them to be emotionally available. Equally important, children commonly have expectations that they have exclusive rights to this parent. Dealing with young children still at home, requires an added set of challenges.
• Do listen carefully to what your child is, and is not saying.
• Do not have a new partner or romantic interest stay overnight too soon.
• Do be sensitive about the messages that you are giving your children about this new person in your life.
• Don’t have someone spend the night until they are special in your life, so that your child doesn’t feel the emotional confusion of a string of overnight guests.
• Do continue to impart important values to your child, reinforcing that love is special. Remember your behavior as a role model for your youngster.
• Do understand that someone new entering your life is confusing for your child and may come along with resentments needing to be understood and dealt with.
• Do be aware that the children are smart and can resent a new “mother,” even if she is not posed as such.
Grieving adults are entitled to happiness. Yet the grieving family members may experience confusion, conflict and rage. “I want mom back.” “I never wanted her to leave.” I want you (as my parent) not to be alone….but I’m not ready for this. Sometimes, it can’t be articulated but felt.
Keeping the channels of communication open for discussion, dialogue and sharing of experiences requires listening, and not necessarily agreeing. Each party needs to be heard and wants to be understood. Joy is to be treasured; the challenge lies in working it out in a way that is respectful to all family members.
About the Author
Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T is the co-author with Gloria Lintermans of THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love, http://www.championpress.com. Visit with Gloria at: http://creativegrief.blogspot.com
• Do allow yourself the joy of healing and moving on.
• Do allow yourself to feel good when this happens.
• Don’t feel guilty. You have been respectful, loving and caring towards your late spouse. Time has passed. It is healthy to want your life to move forward. Try to recognize your emotions every step of the way and not shy away from inner scrutiny, or back off from facing your emotions.
• Do know that it is possible to combine families with adult children no longer living at home.
• Do know that it will not always be smooth sailing; there will be moments of arguments and disagreements to work through.
Commonly, jealousy, fear, abandonment and money issues come up, even for your grown children. Will he leave “her” in “his” will? Will he forget about us? Will he respect our grieving? Be aware that often even the adult child feels, “I am not ready for this.” I want my dad/mom to be happy but not so fast….I’m still grieving for my mom/dad; I’m not ready to think about a “replacement” for his or her love. It may be hard for children at any age to fully understand that the bereaved are lonely and, if the widow or widower had a good marriage, this can further motivate the longing for another partner. There is also the sense of urgency, i.e., “time is running out and life will not go on forever”.
Tactfulness, thoughtfulness, and consideration for the feelings of children of all ages are so important, as well as the understanding that fathers and mothers grieve differently than their children who have their own important timetable. One cannot hurry the process of your grief, your adult children leading their own lives, or that of younger children.
While you want your life to move forward, a sensitive and understanding parent needs to recognize and be especially responsive to the needs of children living at home; children who are grieving the loss of their mother or father. The child needs the "daddy" or "mommy" that’s left. They need them to be emotionally available. Equally important, children commonly have expectations that they have exclusive rights to this parent. Dealing with young children still at home, requires an added set of challenges.
• Do listen carefully to what your child is, and is not saying.
• Do not have a new partner or romantic interest stay overnight too soon.
• Do be sensitive about the messages that you are giving your children about this new person in your life.
• Don’t have someone spend the night until they are special in your life, so that your child doesn’t feel the emotional confusion of a string of overnight guests.
• Do continue to impart important values to your child, reinforcing that love is special. Remember your behavior as a role model for your youngster.
• Do understand that someone new entering your life is confusing for your child and may come along with resentments needing to be understood and dealt with.
• Do be aware that the children are smart and can resent a new “mother,” even if she is not posed as such.
Grieving adults are entitled to happiness. Yet the grieving family members may experience confusion, conflict and rage. “I want mom back.” “I never wanted her to leave.” I want you (as my parent) not to be alone….but I’m not ready for this. Sometimes, it can’t be articulated but felt.
Keeping the channels of communication open for discussion, dialogue and sharing of experiences requires listening, and not necessarily agreeing. Each party needs to be heard and wants to be understood. Joy is to be treasured; the challenge lies in working it out in a way that is respectful to all family members.
About the Author
Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T is the co-author with Gloria Lintermans of THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love, http://www.championpress.com. Visit with Gloria at: http://creativegrief.blogspot.com
Relationship Tune Up - 7 Key Points to Avoid a Break Up or Break Down
"Every three months or 3,000 miles."
That's how the sticker in the left upper corner of my windshield reads.
It's a matter of common knowledge that we are supposed to maintain, service, and tune up our cars if we want them to run well and last.
In my experience, it rarely occurs to us to do the same thing with our love relationships.
More and more of the couples I see are not in need of long term therapy, they are more in need of a short term relationship tune up.
7 Key Points
What first attracted you to each other? - This is the first question I ask most couples because it helps to be reminded that your partner has some great qualities that led you to want to be in this relationship.
What are some of the strengths of your relationship? - Instead of all the things that are wrong with your relationship, what I want to know is what are some of the strengths of the relationship upon which we can build in order to solve the problems with which they are struggling.
When have you been the closest? - One of the easiest ways to tune up your relationship is to do the things you were doing when you were the closest.
You may have noticed that the first 3 questions were all focused on positives in the relationship.
This is done on purpose. One of the dangers of traditional marriage counseling is a focus on what is wrong or defective with an individual or the relationship. One of the many benefits of relationship coaching is a focus on using the strengths in the relationship to build up the areas where the relationship is weak.
What are your partner's emotional needs and what are your own? - If you do not know, hear are the two crucial questions to ask:
1) In order to feel loved by me, what do you need to feel in our relationship?
2) What are some ways I can meet those needs?
What is your partner's love language and what is yours? - Some folks need to hear it, some folks need to see it, and some folks need to feel it.
How do the two of you "do conflict?" - Conflict in a relationship is inevitable. Fighting is optional.
What is your vision for your relationship? - Without a vision, a relationship can perish. Here are a few questions most couples never take the time to even think about, much less ask:
1) If we could design our relationship any way we wanted, how would we like it to be?
2) What goals do we have for our relationship?
3) What do we want to give, and what do we want to get in our relationship?
For more immediately useable tips and tools for your relationship, visit relationship coach Jeff Herring's interactive website at SecretsofGreatRelationships.com
Author: Jeff Herring
That's how the sticker in the left upper corner of my windshield reads.
It's a matter of common knowledge that we are supposed to maintain, service, and tune up our cars if we want them to run well and last.
In my experience, it rarely occurs to us to do the same thing with our love relationships.
More and more of the couples I see are not in need of long term therapy, they are more in need of a short term relationship tune up.
7 Key Points
What first attracted you to each other? - This is the first question I ask most couples because it helps to be reminded that your partner has some great qualities that led you to want to be in this relationship.
What are some of the strengths of your relationship? - Instead of all the things that are wrong with your relationship, what I want to know is what are some of the strengths of the relationship upon which we can build in order to solve the problems with which they are struggling.
When have you been the closest? - One of the easiest ways to tune up your relationship is to do the things you were doing when you were the closest.
You may have noticed that the first 3 questions were all focused on positives in the relationship.
This is done on purpose. One of the dangers of traditional marriage counseling is a focus on what is wrong or defective with an individual or the relationship. One of the many benefits of relationship coaching is a focus on using the strengths in the relationship to build up the areas where the relationship is weak.
What are your partner's emotional needs and what are your own? - If you do not know, hear are the two crucial questions to ask:
1) In order to feel loved by me, what do you need to feel in our relationship?
2) What are some ways I can meet those needs?
What is your partner's love language and what is yours? - Some folks need to hear it, some folks need to see it, and some folks need to feel it.
How do the two of you "do conflict?" - Conflict in a relationship is inevitable. Fighting is optional.
What is your vision for your relationship? - Without a vision, a relationship can perish. Here are a few questions most couples never take the time to even think about, much less ask:
1) If we could design our relationship any way we wanted, how would we like it to be?
2) What goals do we have for our relationship?
3) What do we want to give, and what do we want to get in our relationship?
For more immediately useable tips and tools for your relationship, visit relationship coach Jeff Herring's interactive website at SecretsofGreatRelationships.com
Author: Jeff Herring
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Dating or married to an angry woman?