Suspect You're Not Going to Get Along with Someone, Expecting the Worse in a Relationship? Why Bother?

Whether your status is casual dating or serious relationship, chances are you have your ideas of what you want in a mate/lover.  If you already have someone in mind, you might have some theories as to how this person might behave with you in the future.  If your attitude about dating and relationships hasn't been that good for awhile now and you have a long history of being rejected, then most likely your hidden thoughts might not be that positive about your current partner or any others you have in mind.

Negative personal opinions and first impressions about people don't go away easily especially for critical individuals who tend to let their egos get out of hand.  Mr. or Ms. "I'm always right about people" is going to be difficult at times to love.  The unsuspecting date or partner just might find out during an emotionally charged dispute what one really thinks about him or her now as well as when he or she first met.  What a terrible way to discover that someone is just not one's match, but it happens.  The revised history of the past will put a damper on things and you just might not see that person in the same way ever again. 

Sometimes enough bad experiences with date after date or mate after mate and you start to assume that you aren't going to get along with someone for any and every reason.  "She's independent, I know how that type is...He is one of those couch potato guys, we won't last long.  I forgot why I just don't like that ethnicity, I was warned about those kind."  When the warnings flash before your eyes like "Not your type...Date someone else...Out of your league," you just might be doing yourself and that person a service by breaking up with him or her, but ignoring your personal thoughts about someone, whether right or wrong, is only going to grow into one big ball of resentment and guilt followed by a constant nagging to be anywhere with anyone but that person in front of you sooner or later.  Think of the many individuals who claimed to be compatible when they first met only to find out the hard way after marriages and children born, "I should have moved on a long time ago."  In many of these relationships, someone created a self-fulfilling prophecy for the relationship by provoking partners to be just what they had envisioned them to be.  For instance, if your notion is incorrect about someone being overbearing and the jealous type due to past programming from another relationship, you might consciously or subconsciously say and do things to make that person behave in those ways you originally predicted.  If the individual plays a role that you defined for him or her really well, your inner self will say, "See I told you so...He/she was just like I thought."  When the truth is you were wrong about a date, but you said and did things over time to make that person behave ugly with you.

The good news is that if you still want to be with someone, you can create a new chapter in your book about him or her where you don't dismiss a date or partner's feelings and choose to stop focusing on shallow things about him or her like attractiveness, education and material wealth; instead, you can work toward being that positive guy or gal for him or her.  The world is filled with enough negative people who expect the worst out of others, so why behave badly with someone you are really interested in or truly want to spend the rest of your life with?  But if you refuse to heed warnings, correct your offensive behaviors and don't want to work on being a better person personally and professionally (work oftentimes affects relationships too), then you will find yourself in and out of bed with others, never completely satisfied, and saying goodbye yet again to this partner and others in the future, so get ready to cry a good cry for a day, a year, or more until you are ready to break up once again. 

As you learn from life lessons (no matter your age and experience) and move toward positive change by removing distractions out of your life (including toxic relatives and friends who have their share of loveless partnerships), you will never be the same.  You will find that you are developing a more positive attitude with loved ones.  An intimate partnership might grow with you or remain stagnant and die if you and your lover/partner are unwilling to make a positive difference within to better your connection.

After being on many dates, married, divorced, and remarried again, if there is one thing I learned is to be certain that you want to be with someone before you invest any more time getting to know them or making plans for the future.  Forget about saving time and money when it comes to a relationship.  Far too many people will determine whether a relationship is worth holding on to based on a money-saving move or cutting a long distance drive.  Choose to prioritize emotional needs like: love, respect, appreciation, happiness, care, and honesty and before long days will grow into years and the relationship will flourish.  But when you are distracted by other people and things like saving money, you will miss what really matters when it comes to making a quality connection with someone. When you are doubtful about someone you are dating or in a serious relationship with, lazy when it comes to servicing the needs of this person, greedy for material goods, and/or selfish in and out of the bedroom, most likely your relationship will be headed toward nothing more than a dead end forcing you to turn around again and again only to find more dead ends, u-turns and detours.  That's not a relationship one might be in, but like the classic movie title, you are on "a street named desire."

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men, Laboring to Love Myself and other books.  She also provides inspiring and thought-provoking spiritual audio messages here.

 

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