5 Wrong Things Selfish People Do to Stay Married
There are many selfish couples who are staying married, and not necessarily living happily married either on the backs of others. So the next time you say "Happy Anniversary," consider what the couple said and did to others over the years to reach their golden marks. Is that possible, use others in deceptive, selfish ways in an effort to stay together? Yes. Keep reading.
This is not something that everyone notices or even realizes until you find yourself in a position where you are the focus of the couple who is having problems (despite you're having nothing to do with their issues). You see, some people will create problems and act as if you had something to do with them because you are there--they need a character to take away from their plot. So if you are the child returning home from college, a friend needing somewhere to live temporarily, or the elderly parent who is down on his or her luck, you can easily become the perfect distraction to keep a couple together whether you participate in their drama or not.
This is why it is best to say nothing to them about their relationship, personal feelings, future plans with a mate, etc. because anything you say or do will be used to help them and hurt you. Get far away from these selfish, devious couples who obviously don't want to take responsibility for their own actions or in-actions in the relationship. It is easier for some couples to look outside the relationship for problems and blame everyone and everything for their own; rather than look one another in the eye and say, "I don't feel the same way about you as I did 20 plus years ago, because I feel you have let yourself go, you are too critical of others, you aren't respectful of me, you don't like to go anywhere...I am starting to ask myself, 'What did I ever see in you?'"
People grow older and change (and not always for good either), relationships get boring, and thoughts of "what have I done with my life" start to show up in odd ways. He dresses differently, she wants to do things she never did before, and the two seem to be drifting apart on a daily basis.
The couple who use to fight to stay together, realizes there is no fight anymore. Jobs are over. Neighbors have moved away. Relatives have long established the fact that they want to be left alone. Children no longer live at home creating dramas of their own. So the fighting couple is now looking to start or join fights elsewhere to keep their relationship alive rather than simply going out on dates, traveling, visiting others--just living life! So what do these troubled couples do to stay married while burdening others?
1. Use other people's relationship issues as attempt to strengthen their own marriage but in negative ways.
Whether they have the facts, details, and so on of what transpired with this couple and that one, the desperate couple looking to stay together is going to use their failures to appear as if their relationship "isn't nearly as bad as their's," and they aren't going to offer much, if any, assistance to help another couple stay together unless they benefit in some way. Pride of one's own relationship gets in the way of common sense and before long the couple is adding to their own bag of trouble. Secretly one or both partners simply aren't very happy with one another, but they use other people's fights to temporarily distract them from this kind of thinking, because "I should be happy...I should love him/her."
2. Permit troubled people to move into their homes for a limited time as a distraction from their own relationship ills.
What better way to get a couple's mind off their own troubled relationship then to invite people into one's home that are worse off than they. Then after the couple has had enough of listening to the roommate's troubles, the wife, husband or both gently or harshly kick the relative or friend out leaving them with little, if any, resources. The common enemy is now gone and back in love is the couple at least for a season. Then they grow weary of one another, so off they go looking for another hurt individual or wounded animal to nurse back to health until the couple has grown weary yet again of their new object of distraction.
3. Find things to do that require, not only the couple to participate, but those around them, so that they can focus on everyone else's weaknesses and correct them while overlooking their own failures.
Some couples know how to get everyone involved in their activities from landscaping to gaming so that they can have yet another "healthy" distraction from one another. A partner isn't giving compliments, acting friendly or caring, but that's okay to the slighted partner, because he or she will find someone or group that will make him or her feel worthy, useful, and overall positive about oneself. Meanwhile, the unsuspecting don't realize that they are being used for a time--that is until the relationship is doing okay again.
4. Create emergencies, distractions, and other things to draw on the unmarried's emotional frailties, so that one or both in the relationship can have someone to lean on--take his or her side.
If a selfish, married couple complains to single friends or those in equally troubled relationships often about one's married life, whether they know it or not they are being discouraging to those who have yet to experience a positive married life. Those friends who are emotionally unstable, weak in relating to others, etc. will be that good friend who will digest all the negativity the couple has to bring, but will be missing out on a married life that they could possibly be very good at living. But those who have been married a long time, don't consider how what they are saying and doing might impact others with or without a partner.
5. Lie or deny any and everything that exposes their mental, physical, or spiritual issues.
If you should approach the couple with what you have learned about their relationship and how they have used you to calm the storms in their lives, they might deny their actions and could use your revelations against you.
In closing, identify this sort of behavior that you or someone else may be doing and don't help this sort of negativity to keep going just because So and So has been married for 10 plus years. In addition, avoid using others to help stay with your partner for all the wrong reasons.
If you suspect you are being used by a troubled couple, don't permit them to use and abuse you any longer whether they are getting money, grandchildren, time, or service from you. Move on with your life! Also, keep in mind that struggling couples look for others' faults, so don't give them anything to talk about when it comes to your personal relationship.
Nicholl McGuire
This is not something that everyone notices or even realizes until you find yourself in a position where you are the focus of the couple who is having problems (despite you're having nothing to do with their issues). You see, some people will create problems and act as if you had something to do with them because you are there--they need a character to take away from their plot. So if you are the child returning home from college, a friend needing somewhere to live temporarily, or the elderly parent who is down on his or her luck, you can easily become the perfect distraction to keep a couple together whether you participate in their drama or not.
This is why it is best to say nothing to them about their relationship, personal feelings, future plans with a mate, etc. because anything you say or do will be used to help them and hurt you. Get far away from these selfish, devious couples who obviously don't want to take responsibility for their own actions or in-actions in the relationship. It is easier for some couples to look outside the relationship for problems and blame everyone and everything for their own; rather than look one another in the eye and say, "I don't feel the same way about you as I did 20 plus years ago, because I feel you have let yourself go, you are too critical of others, you aren't respectful of me, you don't like to go anywhere...I am starting to ask myself, 'What did I ever see in you?'"
People grow older and change (and not always for good either), relationships get boring, and thoughts of "what have I done with my life" start to show up in odd ways. He dresses differently, she wants to do things she never did before, and the two seem to be drifting apart on a daily basis.
The couple who use to fight to stay together, realizes there is no fight anymore. Jobs are over. Neighbors have moved away. Relatives have long established the fact that they want to be left alone. Children no longer live at home creating dramas of their own. So the fighting couple is now looking to start or join fights elsewhere to keep their relationship alive rather than simply going out on dates, traveling, visiting others--just living life! So what do these troubled couples do to stay married while burdening others?
1. Use other people's relationship issues as attempt to strengthen their own marriage but in negative ways.
Whether they have the facts, details, and so on of what transpired with this couple and that one, the desperate couple looking to stay together is going to use their failures to appear as if their relationship "isn't nearly as bad as their's," and they aren't going to offer much, if any, assistance to help another couple stay together unless they benefit in some way. Pride of one's own relationship gets in the way of common sense and before long the couple is adding to their own bag of trouble. Secretly one or both partners simply aren't very happy with one another, but they use other people's fights to temporarily distract them from this kind of thinking, because "I should be happy...I should love him/her."
2. Permit troubled people to move into their homes for a limited time as a distraction from their own relationship ills.
What better way to get a couple's mind off their own troubled relationship then to invite people into one's home that are worse off than they. Then after the couple has had enough of listening to the roommate's troubles, the wife, husband or both gently or harshly kick the relative or friend out leaving them with little, if any, resources. The common enemy is now gone and back in love is the couple at least for a season. Then they grow weary of one another, so off they go looking for another hurt individual or wounded animal to nurse back to health until the couple has grown weary yet again of their new object of distraction.
3. Find things to do that require, not only the couple to participate, but those around them, so that they can focus on everyone else's weaknesses and correct them while overlooking their own failures.
Some couples know how to get everyone involved in their activities from landscaping to gaming so that they can have yet another "healthy" distraction from one another. A partner isn't giving compliments, acting friendly or caring, but that's okay to the slighted partner, because he or she will find someone or group that will make him or her feel worthy, useful, and overall positive about oneself. Meanwhile, the unsuspecting don't realize that they are being used for a time--that is until the relationship is doing okay again.
4. Create emergencies, distractions, and other things to draw on the unmarried's emotional frailties, so that one or both in the relationship can have someone to lean on--take his or her side.
If a selfish, married couple complains to single friends or those in equally troubled relationships often about one's married life, whether they know it or not they are being discouraging to those who have yet to experience a positive married life. Those friends who are emotionally unstable, weak in relating to others, etc. will be that good friend who will digest all the negativity the couple has to bring, but will be missing out on a married life that they could possibly be very good at living. But those who have been married a long time, don't consider how what they are saying and doing might impact others with or without a partner.
5. Lie or deny any and everything that exposes their mental, physical, or spiritual issues.
If you should approach the couple with what you have learned about their relationship and how they have used you to calm the storms in their lives, they might deny their actions and could use your revelations against you.
In closing, identify this sort of behavior that you or someone else may be doing and don't help this sort of negativity to keep going just because So and So has been married for 10 plus years. In addition, avoid using others to help stay with your partner for all the wrong reasons.
If you suspect you are being used by a troubled couple, don't permit them to use and abuse you any longer whether they are getting money, grandchildren, time, or service from you. Move on with your life! Also, keep in mind that struggling couples look for others' faults, so don't give them anything to talk about when it comes to your personal relationship.
Nicholl McGuire
Are You In Denial that Your Man or Woman is Controlling, Manipulative?
Sometime back, I posted this video from my YouTube channel: nmenterprise7 and I asked my listeners were they in love or in manipulation? Are you? There are those times in our dating experiences or relationship struggles that we may find ourselves being manipulated or controlled by a partner without knowing. You may be the one who is trying to wake up a relative or good friend, but he or she isn't listening.
When one is in love with a controlling or manipulative person, he or she is not going to see the truth until the relationship begins to spiral downward, it is then that this person will start to talk back to her partner, argue, or complain to relatives and friends about him or her. When you know you are guilty of doing and saying things to make your partner go where you want to go, say what you want him or her to say, and perform in ways that you know really aren't a part of one's personality, upbringing, culture, etc. Then you must step back from the relationship, look at it from the outside in, and ask yourself, "Am I doing these things? Then immediately start seeking ways to stop persuading, suggesting, conning, and threatening your partner to perform your will when you know he or she doesn't really want to.
As for those in relationships where you feel like the world revolves around your partner, it is time to build a life that doesn't always include your partner. Start watching TV shows alone, be busy with your own projects, avoid being so available to your partner everytime he/she wants you to do something, visit places you always wanted to see but your partner wouldn't let you, and cook, clean, and errand-run without relying on your partner so much or doing all these things so often for your partner. Take a moment and think about what you have done or not done to permit someone to rule you.
Too often men and women in relationships get too comfortable with one another and create expectations for one each other that will not always be adhered to. For example, a partner will forget to do some things for you it doesn't mean that it is the end of the world. Acting independently at times doesn't mean you will always stay that way, but you need to empower yourself and live the kind of life that is not making you or your partner miserable.
Nicholl is the author of When Mothers Cry and other books.
When They Expect You to Date Your Own Kind
Ignorant people have a way of putting their prejudices off on others. If they don't like a certain ethnicity, gender, culture, language, etc. they assume that you feel the same way simply because you might look or sound like them. But with so much marketing of all sorts of relationships, whatever you thought was typical, normal, or okay is being suppressed slowly but surely. The typical American couple looks nothing like the magazines of yesteryear.
Interracial relationships, divorced partners, same sex partnerships, age-gap dating, open marriages, and more are the new norm. Despite the stares and the comments, people will continue to date who they want, when they want and how they want. Some couples simply don't care what anyone has to say about their choice in a mate.
You might fit in one of the above mentioned groups. You may have received some negative comments from people about your selection in a date. For some, you might have been pushed out of certain circles because you chose "not to do as the Romans do." Fighting back with the same hurtful statements, eye rolls, stares, and more does nothing but create more animosity in an already tense setting. A relationship that just might make it, may not when individuals are under stress about what outsiders say and do. For many successful couples, they have learned to enjoy their lives, despite opposition, and keep those close who are in support of them. But keep in mind too, that relationships typically don't last as long as family bonds. Therefore, making a relative who sincerely loves and cares about your well-being an enemy would be foolish! Never assume that the effort you put into maintaining your relationship will be met with the same passion by a mate who may not be completely sold out or willing to stand up to others to keep you.
Many of us have spent years fighting people, places and things to accept our personal lifestyle choices. Notice I said, personal. What you do behind closed doors is ultimately your business and no one else's--that is until you come out in the open with your love interest. For some people, especially loved ones, they make your business their business. From the young woman who chooses to date an older man to the white guy who brings home an Asian woman, people who don't like couples who aren't like them will always have something to say.
"Take the bitter with the sweet," a relative once told me, so I did. I made a point to enjoy all my love interests prior to choosing a more conservative lifestyle. Whether he was black, white, red or yellow, I always knew someone somewhere would be waiting for that opportunity to tell me about "Those type..." or question me about "them."
My advice to anyone in an unusual relationship is to find out what completes the two of you and why you sincerely want to partner with this person. If it is because of sexual reasons, material wealth, fame, a personal fetish for a certain skin tone or body frame, etc.--best wishes--because most relationships built on shallow reasons don't go the distance. Sooner or later personal prejudices show up and show out. "My mother always told me about your kind...why did I bother...you people are something else...my dad told me about your type!" Uh oh!
Sometimes it takes a series of breakups to really know what you want. Personal discomfort, outside influences, arguments, and more contribute to the failure of many relationships. If you can get pass the issues, forgive one another, and work together, love just might conquer all.
Ignore the negative people and the fearful critics (who only wish they could be so bold,) and allow true love to permeate your mind, body and spirit!
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and Laboring to Love Myself.
Interracial relationships, divorced partners, same sex partnerships, age-gap dating, open marriages, and more are the new norm. Despite the stares and the comments, people will continue to date who they want, when they want and how they want. Some couples simply don't care what anyone has to say about their choice in a mate.
You might fit in one of the above mentioned groups. You may have received some negative comments from people about your selection in a date. For some, you might have been pushed out of certain circles because you chose "not to do as the Romans do." Fighting back with the same hurtful statements, eye rolls, stares, and more does nothing but create more animosity in an already tense setting. A relationship that just might make it, may not when individuals are under stress about what outsiders say and do. For many successful couples, they have learned to enjoy their lives, despite opposition, and keep those close who are in support of them. But keep in mind too, that relationships typically don't last as long as family bonds. Therefore, making a relative who sincerely loves and cares about your well-being an enemy would be foolish! Never assume that the effort you put into maintaining your relationship will be met with the same passion by a mate who may not be completely sold out or willing to stand up to others to keep you.
Many of us have spent years fighting people, places and things to accept our personal lifestyle choices. Notice I said, personal. What you do behind closed doors is ultimately your business and no one else's--that is until you come out in the open with your love interest. For some people, especially loved ones, they make your business their business. From the young woman who chooses to date an older man to the white guy who brings home an Asian woman, people who don't like couples who aren't like them will always have something to say.
"Take the bitter with the sweet," a relative once told me, so I did. I made a point to enjoy all my love interests prior to choosing a more conservative lifestyle. Whether he was black, white, red or yellow, I always knew someone somewhere would be waiting for that opportunity to tell me about "Those type..." or question me about "them."
My advice to anyone in an unusual relationship is to find out what completes the two of you and why you sincerely want to partner with this person. If it is because of sexual reasons, material wealth, fame, a personal fetish for a certain skin tone or body frame, etc.--best wishes--because most relationships built on shallow reasons don't go the distance. Sooner or later personal prejudices show up and show out. "My mother always told me about your kind...why did I bother...you people are something else...my dad told me about your type!" Uh oh!
Sometimes it takes a series of breakups to really know what you want. Personal discomfort, outside influences, arguments, and more contribute to the failure of many relationships. If you can get pass the issues, forgive one another, and work together, love just might conquer all.
Ignore the negative people and the fearful critics (who only wish they could be so bold,) and allow true love to permeate your mind, body and spirit!
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and Laboring to Love Myself.
Dating Poem: More than Meets the Eye
So few of you
many more of them,
you need to be with someone who isn't enjoying sin.
One had me jumping for joy,
didn't play me like a toy.
Boy, oh boy!
He was that one they said,
"Ain't right, and he look white."
But that was alright.
Look I have been there, done that...
just sat and sat.
Brothers passed me by, said goodbye,
and one left me to die.
Been on the other side too,
where I was one of the few.
That one lied
and I just cried.
"Life is what you make it,"
so they say,
but many still have no wedding day.
They say, "It's okay...something good will happen today."
Yeah right, okay.
Look at you, what to do?
What is your view?
What do you desire?
Who will ignite your fire?
Why won't love last?
Has a lot to do with the past.
Keep waiting, keep dating
before long one will be mating.
Then what will he do,
lose love and sue?
What will she do,
find another to view?
Temporary fixes,
for modern day mixes.
Be with one for a hue,
doing what others do.
Look for something to wear,
after a stare, go bare.
Meanwhile, they dated on a dare.
Fools create all sorts of reasons
to date people in various seasons.
Then when goals are met,
on to the next date set.
Nicholl McGuire
many more of them,
you need to be with someone who isn't enjoying sin.
One had me jumping for joy,
didn't play me like a toy.
Boy, oh boy!
He was that one they said,
"Ain't right, and he look white."
But that was alright.
Look I have been there, done that...
just sat and sat.
Brothers passed me by, said goodbye,
and one left me to die.
Been on the other side too,
where I was one of the few.
That one lied
and I just cried.
"Life is what you make it,"
so they say,
but many still have no wedding day.
They say, "It's okay...something good will happen today."
Yeah right, okay.
Look at you, what to do?
What is your view?
What do you desire?
Who will ignite your fire?
Why won't love last?
Has a lot to do with the past.
Keep waiting, keep dating
before long one will be mating.
Then what will he do,
lose love and sue?
What will she do,
find another to view?
Temporary fixes,
for modern day mixes.
Be with one for a hue,
doing what others do.
Look for something to wear,
after a stare, go bare.
Meanwhile, they dated on a dare.
Fools create all sorts of reasons
to date people in various seasons.
Then when goals are met,
on to the next date set.
Nicholl McGuire
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She's Crazy by Nicholl McGuire
Dating or married to an angry woman?