Manipulative Men Create Themselves to be Everything You Ever Wanted
He said all the right things based on what he had already learned about me.
He promised me that we would go to fun places and see cool things.
He told me that he loved me and how stupid the last man was for letting me go.
He bought me everything I ever wanted.
He seemed like he really wanted to know me, he asked me lots of questions.
All of what I mentioned above was what I remembered during the dating phase with various men. They were nice-looking, charming, but all had dark sides. They took the time to get to know me because "I was different...pretty, smart...liked my smile." Oh yea, the smile. They all found my smile very attractive. But I wasn't sold much on their looks, it was their voices. I was lured by the tone of their voices and what they promised.
Back then, in my 20s. Now in my forties. I know now when a man is attempting to make himself into something I would desire even though I am married and they know it. They still try. One tried to play down his habits, the kind he knew I didn't have. Another individual tried to hide his seeing different women, what did I care? I am married. Other men asked me personal questions and then used my answers to paint the perfect picture. Hmm. I recognized them, they were a lot like me! lol Thanks for flattering me by copying my interests and even dressing professional like me.
Looking back on my younger self, I didn't connect the dots. I just wanted to believe that those men were everything I ever wanted. But the truth was, they were ignorant when it came to dating, mating, and showing women love. Their game plan was always to act like the man of her dreams. They failed at keeping the act going. Sooner or later I was going to purposely say or do something to shatter their fake personas!
If I could do my dating life all over again, I would have kept those men in the friend zone. They were not ready for any relationship and neither was I. I would have enjoyed simply going out with them without a single touch. I would have loved to receive typewritten messages from them back then had cell phones existed (lol) instead of meeting up with a couple of them. I would have simply treated them like so many high school boys I knew, friends without benefits--just cool people to talk or hang out with.
Now I am older and I shudder at the thought of being single in the future. Dating (sigh). Marriages end either in divorce or death so dating again just might be something I do. Someone somewhere will want to go out on a date. He could be a great guy or a mean manipulator either way he is going to put on an act and I will have to be the one to break his false front. If you should suspect that someone isn't quite right that you are dating, believe it! Don't try to be something you are not to appease him. You have lived in your body for quite a long time, so be content with being who you are whether a date likes you or not!
If you would like to break the "charming" act and find out whether a man is genuinely nice, considerate, patient, caring, etc. consider the following tips. They just might save you from a future of misery.
1) Ask questions that are uncomfortable after a few dates such as: what did he use on his hair to make it stay that way or where did he find those pants...? Watch his facial expressions.
2) Joke about something like him tripping or a spill he made. Notice his response.
3) Go somewhere where there is a long line and/or travel with him on a busy highway known for slow-moving traffic. Notice his behavior.
4) Cancel a date and listen to how he responds.
5) Find a place you enjoy and see if he is willing to go along with you or change your mind.
6) Pay attention to whether he respects your space or privacy. Does he show up unannounced or attempts to persuade you to stop whatever you are doing or cancel your plans so that he can come for a visit?
7) Listen for any conversation that reveals personal details about himself without trying to get information from you. Does he share much about himself or answers your questions thoroughly?
A manipulator is not going to be able to keep up an act especially one of patience, kindness, generosity, and more when he is negatively triggered from traffic, rejection, personal questions, and jokes. His ugly self is sure to show up. Emotionally abusive and controlling manipulators will use name-calling, ignoring, tears, and/or the silent treatment to get you to behave yourself. Physically abusive manipulators oftentimes will handle you aggressively: push, grab, pull, spit, kick, punch, and choke. All the while, you will be thinking whatever happened to that nice gentleman I once knew.
Nicholl McGuire
Beware: The Date Who Lies about Liking Travel or the Outdoors
The lonely single woman, back on the dating scene, sucked it up when they first started dating; she went
skiing with her new date: The Adventure Seeker despite her personal fears. When
asked out again, she attended a conference in another state with him. He had a bright idea to go hiking, so she
accompanied him reluctantly on that trip too.
As the connection grew deeper, the bachelorette finally confessed one day, “I don’t like traveling or the outdoors. Please don’t ask me to go with you again, but you are welcome to have a ball by yourself, without another woman, of course.” What! He was shocked, disappointed, and started to think, “This isn’t going to work.” What drew him to her was that dating profile where she checked off that she liked the outdoors and traveling. She thought that her date had forgotten about that, "...just harmless lies. He'll get over it, " she reasoned. But he didn't.
The future is forever changed when one lies about interests, hobbies and preferences. Sooner or later the lies don’t become the truth, they are exposed! The handsome and fit gentleman detected while on those trips his date just wasn’t into those things like she had claimed. One of those occasions he wanted her to come clean, but she never did.
Think before you tell yet another lie if you are one who is guilty of this sort of behavior. As much as it might be tempting to be dishonest because that guy or gal is your fantasy partner, it’s never a good idea to lie in the short or long term. Trust is impacted early on in the previous fictional example. If the guy was to continue with the relationship, he would question what else might his date had lied to him about.
Dates tend to lie about many things from the start of meeting them from their actual height to income. “Not only is he shorter than his photograph, but he doesn’t have any money to pay for the date,” thinks the Once Eager Date seeking “Mr. Right.” That all went out the window at first glance and conversation. As much as one might think a person is quite shallow for desiring a certain type of man or woman, keep in mind that a date is entitled to his or her preferences whether they are reasonable or not. If the date wants a tall guy with a bank account and the guy in front of her isn’t that and he has lied about who he is, she has the right to walk away.
Mr. Outdoors, who likes to travel, is in search of Ms. Outdoors. He didn’t get her and so moved on. The lesson to be learned, be honest and don’t say you like to do something that you really don’t just to appease someone else--that’s manipulative!
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues and other books.
As the connection grew deeper, the bachelorette finally confessed one day, “I don’t like traveling or the outdoors. Please don’t ask me to go with you again, but you are welcome to have a ball by yourself, without another woman, of course.” What! He was shocked, disappointed, and started to think, “This isn’t going to work.” What drew him to her was that dating profile where she checked off that she liked the outdoors and traveling. She thought that her date had forgotten about that, "...just harmless lies. He'll get over it, " she reasoned. But he didn't.
The future is forever changed when one lies about interests, hobbies and preferences. Sooner or later the lies don’t become the truth, they are exposed! The handsome and fit gentleman detected while on those trips his date just wasn’t into those things like she had claimed. One of those occasions he wanted her to come clean, but she never did.
Think before you tell yet another lie if you are one who is guilty of this sort of behavior. As much as it might be tempting to be dishonest because that guy or gal is your fantasy partner, it’s never a good idea to lie in the short or long term. Trust is impacted early on in the previous fictional example. If the guy was to continue with the relationship, he would question what else might his date had lied to him about.
Dates tend to lie about many things from the start of meeting them from their actual height to income. “Not only is he shorter than his photograph, but he doesn’t have any money to pay for the date,” thinks the Once Eager Date seeking “Mr. Right.” That all went out the window at first glance and conversation. As much as one might think a person is quite shallow for desiring a certain type of man or woman, keep in mind that a date is entitled to his or her preferences whether they are reasonable or not. If the date wants a tall guy with a bank account and the guy in front of her isn’t that and he has lied about who he is, she has the right to walk away.
Mr. Outdoors, who likes to travel, is in search of Ms. Outdoors. He didn’t get her and so moved on. The lesson to be learned, be honest and don’t say you like to do something that you really don’t just to appease someone else--that’s manipulative!
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues and other books.
When a Man Says He Doesn't Want Children, He Means It
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate: When a Man Says He Doesn't Want Children, He Means...: Some victims of domestic violence assume that if they have a baby for an abusive man, then another and another that some how the man will ch...
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| Photo by Marvin Meyer on Unsplash |
When a Date is a Reader and You’re Not
There is something about reading books that makes this
bachelor cringe, but the woman in front of him is so attractive and lately he
hasn’t had much luck finding a great match.
The book she holds in her hand is a turn-off. He encourages her to do something else as she
heads by the pool to read once again.
The reader thought it would be a good idea since the couple saw and did a lot
earlier from dining out to watching a sporting event.
Once again, her date tries to entertain her and even throws a negative comment about her book selection, “I can’t believe people read that garbage, ha!” Put-off by her date’s comment, she ignores him for hours.
If books turns you off as much as the gentleman in the
previous example, then don’t consider dating a reader. People who enjoy books also are very
knowledgeable about many subjects and like conversing about a wide variety of
topics. They also are open to taking
additional classes to better them personally and professionally. They may be prone to attend book fairs,
libraries and special book related events like a live book reading. If they write, they may want much time alone
to prepare their work for publishing.
People who are often annoying to book readers are: those who don’t like books, people who are chatty and not respectful of one’s time and space, and ignorant people who prefer opinions over facts. When you are not mindful of a person’s interest and prefer to be critical, you put yourself at odds with the book reader. Consider one who enjoys sports immensely, if he was paired with someone who hates sports and was often critical of his sports watching, they wouldn’t get along. This isn’t to say that book readers and those who don’t read books would have a bad relationship, but it would suffer because someone is not respecting the other’s interest.
Keep opinions about what someone is reading to yourself unless they ask. Don’t assume anything about a book unless you read it from cover-to-cover not judging it based on condensed notes and reviews. Be open to attending some of those events a date likes--never shut out all interests completely, you never know what you might learn and grow from. Most of all, if you should want to date or continue to date someone who likes books, be sure you busy yourself while the books are open. Be polite and respectful and ask when the book reader is available to reconnect. If you want a peaceful partnership, consider the interests of another.
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love Myself and other books. She is an inspirational speaker and shares faith-based advice here: NM Enterprise 7 on YouTube.
Once again, her date tries to entertain her and even throws a negative comment about her book selection, “I can’t believe people read that garbage, ha!” Put-off by her date’s comment, she ignores him for hours.
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| Photo by Ben White on Unsplash |
People who are often annoying to book readers are: those who don’t like books, people who are chatty and not respectful of one’s time and space, and ignorant people who prefer opinions over facts. When you are not mindful of a person’s interest and prefer to be critical, you put yourself at odds with the book reader. Consider one who enjoys sports immensely, if he was paired with someone who hates sports and was often critical of his sports watching, they wouldn’t get along. This isn’t to say that book readers and those who don’t read books would have a bad relationship, but it would suffer because someone is not respecting the other’s interest.
Keep opinions about what someone is reading to yourself unless they ask. Don’t assume anything about a book unless you read it from cover-to-cover not judging it based on condensed notes and reviews. Be open to attending some of those events a date likes--never shut out all interests completely, you never know what you might learn and grow from. Most of all, if you should want to date or continue to date someone who likes books, be sure you busy yourself while the books are open. Be polite and respectful and ask when the book reader is available to reconnect. If you want a peaceful partnership, consider the interests of another.
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love Myself and other books. She is an inspirational speaker and shares faith-based advice here: NM Enterprise 7 on YouTube.
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She's Crazy by Nicholl McGuire
Dating or married to an angry woman?