Thoughts on Reconciliation

Looking at the sheer number of people who break up and vow to never go back to an old flame, it seems that there just isn't any hope for couples who desire to reconcile.  Could it be that many of these "break up to make up" type of relationships end up not lasting unto death, simply because people are too caught up with the warm, fuzzy feelings that come with getting back together?

I decided to interview myself on this issue of reconciliation since I have been there and done that many times.  During my quiet meditation, I believe I had heard some of the wisest words in a long time from my Creator which many of you are already familiar.  I suggest you go to the Holy Bible and look up I Corinthians 13 and read about love.  He asked me to ask myself, "Can I be patient?  Can I be kind?   Can I no longer keep record of wrongs?"  How I felt about these questions and the way I answered them said a lot to me about reconciling with my past.

You see, all it takes is a reality check with one's self to realize that maybe, just maybe a reconciliation might work.  But are you truly willing to let go and move on into a relationship with someone who you at one time thought to yourself, "I wish I never met her/him?" Think about it.

Nicholl McGuire

Something to think about...Be Nice to Your Mate

When you find yourself wishing that you could improve upon your existing relationship, be careful because it is only a matter of time that you will start listing everything that is wrong with your mate. 

Sometimes it is simply better to let your relationship just be.  So you had an argument the other day that was so bad that the cops should have been called.  Did anyone get physically abused?  If not, what you worried about?  Well, "he might hurt me in the future" or "she is crazy enough to punch my lights out."  Well if it is that serious, well you don't need me to tell you what you should be doing or maybe you should, visit: http:// laboringtoloveanabusivemate.blogspot.com if this describes you.  However, for those of you who just get really loud when you argue and look really crazy, let's talk about the relationship.

If your mate is oftentimes bringing out the best in you, then why not stay?  And seriously what do you need to work on in your relationship?  How about being nice more often.  That's right, simply be nice.  You remember that is what a relative may have told you back in the day.  "Be nice son...be nice daughter...don't want to hear about you misbehaving!" 

Do you have a good support system around you?  Do you pray?  Are you drug and alcohol free?  Then focus on your basic needs and the needs of your family while being nice.  All the extra distractions like the TV, the friends, the relatives and other similar things will keep you fussing and irritated, know how to handle all with balance.  Set aside time to manage each without letting it come between you and your mate. 

But what if he or she just doesn't get you?  Well, maybe you might have to do something that says, "I think we need to reach a compromise before I start thinking about packing my bags."  Hey, it just might work.  You see, sometimes we get so comfortable with people that we don't bother doing our best at home or work.  But what a reality check when you start making life inconvenient for the slackers!

Some of you may think that there is someone out there who is better, and most likely there is, but good luck trying to find him or her in a sea of billions of people.  There comes a point in any relationship where you just have to make up in your mind that you just want to be with the person you are now with come hell or high water and that divorce is no option.

Once you have reached the point in your relationship where you know there is no breaking up, just working to stay together, you will no longer wonder if that girl at work is "the one" or if that man up the street will make a good dad.

We wouldn't be human if we didn't think about that nice looking guy or gal we passed by on the street.  However, we must arrest our emotions and know that someone at home is waiting for us and that our mate is the one that completes us.

Nicholl McGuire

Break Up Withdrawal

If you have ended a relationship recently with someone, then you should know exactly what the title of this entry means, "Break Up Withdrawal."  Like a drug addict trying to sober up, a person who has recently broken up with someone is going to go through withdrawal. 

There are the stomach, head and chest aches whenever you think of this person or hear his or her name.  You may also experience mood swings that make you angry one minute and sad the next.  There is usually a strong desire to be with him or her, but after a lengthy discussion one realizes that his or her decision to let go was best. 

You will miss your ex and at times will go over in your head the events that led to your break up.  At times, you think he or she is the worst person in the world and may tell everyone so via phone, poetry, music, or counseling, but secretly you know he or she isn't that bad. 

You might surprisingly think about an ex from long ago and want to reconnect, because you desire a spark to make you feel alive again.  Sometimes you may attend church services, listen to praise music, or connect with friends just to keep your mind off this person or to keep away the desire to sleep with an ex or get someone new.  Break up withdrawal is serious!

But what keeps some people from going back to that one who has repeatedly hurt them?  They have learned that just like they were passionate at one time to be with this person, they have learned to be equally passionate about not wanting to be with a former partner.  I have heard people say, "When I break up with someone, I don't go back...I don't have sex...hang out--nothing!"  What has made them so adamant about their actions?  They have established boundaries that they will not permit themselves to break.  What are your boundaries? 

Some people don't bother to think about how they will deal with a break up until after the fact.  When one breaks up with another, it is a process.  You can't simply walk out the door and say, "That's it!"  It's a journey toward healing.  If you want to reach healing, you must allow yourself to do the following:  cry, get angry, write a "Dear John" letter (that you don't send otherwise you are encouraging dialogue,) discuss your issues with a trusted friend, take care of yourself, and most of all establish a new life that no longer includes, "we."  It's hard at times to get over someone and it may take a long-time; so take baby steps!  However, keeping in contact with the person, seeing he or she everyday, and doing other things (like having sex with this person) will hinder the process.  Know that you know that you know!

Nicholl McGuire

Don't Let the Romantic Couple Fool You

I know it's hard right now for some couples in roller-coaster type relationships--up today and down tomorrow.  They are at their wits end with a partner who just isn't fulfilling a need, listening, showing affection, etc.  So your eyes start wandering, seeking couples out who appear to be in love.  You wish the nice-looking couple seated on the park bench, talking by the pool, or eating side-by-side at the restaurant were you and yours.  Well I got news for you...

Don't be jealous!  Don't want what they have!  I tell you it's short-lived and most always isn't what it appears to be behind closed doors no matter what they tell you!  Some people love to create false fronts, so that those around them will say, "What a great couple!  I wish that were me and..."  These romantic couples believe that if they can create an image of "happy" and "in love" that it will help their relationship and in some cases it might.  However, for some relationships, public displays of affection does nothing more than deceive those around them and puts yet another unnecessary burden on an already tensed relationship.  Sure, there are those couples who are honestly in lust and/or in love.  They will hug, kiss, cuddle, and more in public, but just like you experienced in years past, it isn't forever and always. 

Feelings begin to go downhill as people get more comfortable with one another and then they sharply decline after one, two, three or more arguments.  Now the once happy couple is looking around at other couples hoping that they could get back whatever they once had.

I think as a society, we have watched far too much romantic movies on TV and on the Internet.  There are no happy ever afters!  There are only happy sometimes afters (if that makes any sense.)  I have personally witnessed couples who have been together for years argue, cuss, fuss, and fight over the littlest of things then turn around within minutes, hours or days and act as if nothing ever happened.  I find that the couples who have been together for 20 plus years have just learned to let a lot go, it doesn't make them any better or special, they just go through the motions and then let go.  These couples HAVE LEARNED to give one another a pass on many things and don't hold one another to any particular standards that include, "You will...You better or else..."

So as much as we like to mimic a favorite romantic movie scene, we must realize that there is fantasy and then there is reality.  Take a moment to question what exactly you want from the relationship and then communicate it to your partner.  When the mood comes upon you to be romantic then do it, don't contemplate it!  Hold her hand, kiss his lips, or send your partner a nice card and/or gift.

Nicholl McGuire 

6 Safety Precautions You Should Take Before & During Your Dating

In one’s quest to find Mr. Right or Ms. Right, he or she will find that there are more Mr. and Ms. Wrongs. So that you are saving yourself time and money, learn how to protect yourself from a potentially bad date. There are tips discussed that may also save your life.

One. Take a self-defense course, watch an online video, or DVD about protecting yourself. You just never know a woman or man may act like a lady and gentleman at first, but spend a little time with them and they may do or say things that threaten you. Don’t get caught off guard. Learn maneuvers to restrain a woman who may be clawing or biting you. Find out how to fight a man who may be a lot bigger than you.

Two. When making arrangements to meet, let your date know that you have some things to do after the date. He or she may want to change the appointment, don’t do it. This will be your excuse in case you don’t like his or her company. If you don’t want to come off as a liar, really do plan to meet with relatives or friends after the date (Let them know in advance the name of the person and any other pertinent details you may have about him or her.) If it is too late to meet with family or friends, be sure you really do have work to do. You may tell your date that you have tasks to do such as ironing a shirt for the next morning, studying, cleaning your bathroom, and anything else that will send a message to him or her that these activities are more important than spending any more time with you. The last thing you want to be in anyone’s eyes including someone you are not fond of is a liar even if he or she is offended that you aren’t interested in them. You never know where you might see this person again.

Three. Don’t arrange to meet at your home or job on the first date. If you do this and the date doesn’t go well, you may receive pop up visits from him or her wanting to know when you will be available to go out again. Also, you don’t know enough about this person; he or she may be a stalker.

Four. Meet at a public area and drive your own vehicle. If you don’t have a car, be sure there are bus lines near the location. If you need to cut the date short, you definitely don’t want to have to rely on him or her for a ride. You may find yourself in his or her car having to listen to how bad of a person you are or arguing about some issue that happened during the date.

Five. Don’t ignore first impressions. The gut feeling or something told me feeling has saved many people’s lives. When you feel that this person may not be your ideal mate, don’t try to talk yourself into being in a relationship with him or her. Some people are gifted, being able to see what the future looks like with their date, and if you envision that you and the children you may have one day with this person will incur many problems, this isn’t an overactive imagination at work, this is a sign to keep away!

Six. Don’t plan to invite this person back to your home, hotel room, or any place where you will be out of the public eye. By accepting an invite or welcoming a date to your private spot especially during the first few dates, tells this person you are interested in him or her. If you find yourself on the fence about this person, don’t go back to their place thinking things will get better. Ask yourself this question, “How much time will I be spending in the bed with this person as compared to how much time I will be out of the bed with him or her?” Of course, you know the answer. So if this person irritates you, isn’t good-looking to you, and has bad breath, why settle?

Both men and women have a problem with rejection; therefore, one may not easily say no to another. If saying no is hard for you, then you will need to put a plan in place in advance that will help you let your date down gently once you discover that he or she isn’t right for you.

As mentioned earlier, you will want to include the following in your plan: skills on self defense, a plan of escape, limited conversation about where you live and where you work, arrange for your own transportation, keep your eyes open to things you don’t like about his or her personality, and avoid areas where you can’t be seen by the public.

By Nicholl McGuire

How Do You Know You No Longer Have a Friendship with Your Husband

Good friends like good men are hard to come by and that is why some women will fight tooth and nail about their partners. They want to know that their partners will stick closer to them than they would their best friend. However, that is oftentimes not the case. Usually the friend outlasts all the relationships. You can’t help but think was the friend also responsible for some if not all the breakups? So how do you know that you are no longer your husband’s closest friend? Here’s how you can tell.

You don’t occasionally set some time aside to learn more about his interests and hobbies.

You do well listening to him when he tells you about things that matter like groceries, bills, doctor’s appointments, and children, but when he starts telling you about his game of golf, the workload at his job, or other things that you aren’t a least bit interested in, you zone out. If you remember, when you first dated him you managed to find a way to stay interested in what he had to say.

You talk negatively about him to family, friends and strangers.

When he does something right that doesn’t get as much of your media coverage as the bad news! Everyone knew about him screwing up the checkbook, destroying something in the house, or forgetting to get the car fixed, but when he does something thoughtful or nice, that news is buried somewhere between the celebrity news and the personals.

You lie to him without remorse.

You don’t have a problem telling him a story or two. In fact lies come off your lips faster than you can blink your eyes. Even if he knew the truth, you wouldn’t even feel a little bit sorry for what you said, because you don’t care. Now if one of your friends did what you are doing to your husband, you would chew her out! “How dare you lie to me! After all these years we have been friends. You know me better than that!” So why do you do that to your husband?

You cheat on him.

Maybe it was only one time, maybe it wasn’t really cheating just a peck on the lips, or maybe your old friend just tapped your behind, whatever “the it” was, would you be okay with him doing it to you. You may reason that he probably has already, but then again he probably hasn’t. Surely, you don’t want to carry that guilt around forever, repent of your sin to God and yourself and make some changes. He doesn’t need to know what you did unless you are sure he wouldn’t lose his top and possibly harm you!

You take money from him without asking.

Some women don’t mind taking their man’s ATM card or writing a check from his checking account. They may tell themselves, “Well he took money from me in the past. He promised to pay me back but didn’t. He won’t miss this and just a small amount.” Put yourself in his shoes, if you have plans to make a purchase with that money or pay a bill would you want you taking it? It’s just the principal of the thing.

You sell his things without talking to him first then keep the money for yourself.

So you didn’t bother to talk to him about his stuff that his been sitting over in that corner for months, does it give you the right to sell it? At some point he is going to want to look at his baseball card or stamp collection, that old dirty football with the signature on it, or take out his gun and give it a cleaning, what are you going to do, lie?

You abuse him mentally or physically behind closed doors or in front of others.

He may be a big man and you may be a little woman, but that big man has feelings. He may not look like he cares about what you say, but he does. He wants to know why you feel the need to embarrass him whenever family and friends come around. He wants to know why you don’t respect him. You may want to be an example to him and show him what love and respect looks like and maybe he will behave better with you too.

You blame him for everything.

Sometimes we all are in moods where it is everyone else’s fault but ours. But if that is your mood every day, see a doctor. There are vitamin deficiencies, hormonal imbalances, and other women related issues that cause us to feel angry, sad, depressed, or often irritated.

You often think of the past things he has done to you and act vengeful toward him.

How long is he going to have to pay for his mistake from years ago? You agreed to forgive him, but that doesn’t give you a license to keep hitting him with the same stuff over and over again. If you are still severely wounded by what he has done to you, get free, let him go.

You avoid talking to him intimately.

You refuse to share your feelings with him, because he isn’t worth it. Every time you attempted to in the past he was critical and threw things back up in your face, so now you just don’t bother telling him things. If this is the best way to handle your issues with him so be it. But if not, try sharing a few things and see what he does with them even after you have instructed him not to be critical or abusive with what you have told him. If he continues to act negatively, then go back to cutting him off until you see signs of change.

These signs have been picked because many women go through these changes in their marriages. They want to know if their husband is not only a provider, but there friend too. Sometimes it is helpful to re-evaluate your relationship to get the most out of it. The best relationships last 30 plus years because couples have learned to be each one's friends. They accept one another just as good friends do no matter what!

By Nicholl McGuire

He is Never There for Me When I Need Him Most

Have you ever felt like your husband or partner just doesn’t seem to understand what his role in your life is supposed to be? You have explained to him many times how you feel about him and how you want him to be pro-active in your life, but even with the long speeches, the cries, and the anger outbursts, he still proceeds in the relationship as if he doesn’t care about you or the things that matter to you most like your family and friends.

Every woman in this situation has a choice and the obvious one is you either put up with his nonchalant, insensitive attitude or you tell him goodbye. Why is it that some men behave in this way? The answer is quite simple they don’t understand women and aren’t interested in learning more about them either. A man who truly respects , admires, and most importantly loves his woman is going to do what it takes to make a relationship work. Sometimes he needs her to guide him to the self-improvement book, drive him to the relationship counselor, or walk him to the bedroom -- wherever the problem is in the relationship, it is up to her to give him the resources to help him along, but when you have done this repeatedly and he still doesn’t seem to want to make an effort to make things work, this is when you will have to do your part for your own sanity and redirect your focus from him to you. Whether it means start dating others, move out of the home you two share, find a hobby or interest, take a class, or spend more time with your family – whatever you choose to do he has to be shown that he is no longer the center of your world.

Sometimes women are caught in relationships hoping that if something really bad happens to them that somehow this man who never really acted like he cared, would suddenly care. That is the furthest thing from the truth. He may be attentive to you for a little while if he stands to lose or gain something, but sooner or later he will go back to his old ways again leaving you feeling alone.

I think of the time in my own life when I was in a financial bind and I think it was $20 I needed from my man to help me until payday. I had never asked him for anything during almost a year of dating; yet when he was in a bind that cost me over $800.00,I thought he wouldn’t hesitate to help me. Boy was I wrong! He had an instant attitude. Needless to say, I couldn’t help but think this man was not going to be beneficial to my life when I needed him the most, despite all of his claims that if I needed anything just ask.

I now look at every problem that comes up in a relationship as a test. It’s a great way to determine whether this person is a keeper. If he or she can be there for you when you are in a financial bind, diagnosed with an illness, your child is going through the motions or a relative passes away, then they are a keeper. I shouldn’t have to call a man all day or night, wait up for him, or talk myself into believing that he cares for me, he just forgot to call. Yet, there are those men that will demonstrate the upmost support until you are well and then they are expecting an immediate handout, they will bring up everything they did for you and expect you to do far more than they ever did. “Remember when I helped you,” he says. “Yes and I can’t help you right now but if you wait until…” you say. He doesn’t want to hear about waiting for you to do anything for him, like a pimp he wants his money, sex, or both now!

What good is a man if you can’t rely on him to help you when you need him the most? Why should you have to walk on egg shells hoping that he doesn’t ask you to pay him back with interest? I was told long ago that you never accept anything from a man unless you are willing to give something in return and usually what that something is falls somewhere between your stomach and your thighs!

There are women who are reading this thinking of the times when they thought the love of their lives would come through for them when they were in a bind, but failed them. Remember how your stomach dropped in shock, the ache settled in your chest, and you just cried! How could someone be so cold? You may have been like me at one time seated at work bent over with menstrual cramps hitting your stomach every few seconds and all you wanted was for him to come pick you up from work? You may have wished for him to be the one seated in the audience admiring you after one of your great performances. Wherever you were and whatever you had hoped from him, the bottom line he wasn’t there! He wasn’t there when your relative died, when money was short, when your child needed to be watched, when the rent was due, when you needed a car --- simply put he took more from you then you ever asked of him!

So how do you get a man to be there for you when you need him most? You start taking yourself seriously. You set boundaries. You allow him to wallow in his challenges without bailing him out. In time you turn your back on him and find someone who can demonstrate what it sincerely means to be your better half that is what you do!

By Nicholl McGuire

After Finding Out She's Cheating

So she told him the other day that he wasn't affectionate enough.  He listened to her, then promised he would consider her feelings more and periodically kiss and hug her for no reason, but to say, "I love you." 

Days turned into weeks then weeks turned into months and business continued as usual.  He gave her a list of complaints.  Things like what she was and wasn't doing while never following up with anything that showed he appreciated her actions much less her existence.  He debated about frivolous matters and often ignored her.

One day he found out that he wasn't the only man in her life and that there wasn't just one, but many men in her life.  They all fulfilled a purpose, and for some strange reason, he wondered what role did he play.  The truth of the matter was right before his eyes, his role had been long revoked--he no longer played any role.  His woman had been mustering up the courage to tell him it was over weeks prior, but he found out before she was ready.

You and I have heard, personally experienced, or witness a similar scene play out with us, relatives and/or friends.  When the signs are right in front of us that something is wrong, we do one of two things:  either we try to help ourselves for the benefit of the relationship possibly holding on a little tighter to our mate or we look away usually thinking about someone else, our job and/or children.  What we may not think about is that we can help the cheater continue to do wrong by us when we choose to look away.  How will anyone become a better person if we allow them to hurt ourselves and others by doing and saying nothing?  There comes a point when one has to open his or her mouth and speak truth and take responsibility for actions or in-actions in the relationship.

It is true that we can't make a person change, but what we can do, is be accountable for ourselves.  Playing the game of "payback" is not going to render the results we want, nor is it going to make the hurt feelings go away inside of us.  Rather, we must orchestrate a plan to move on--to get past the rejection and pain.  We must allow ourselves time to heal--ALONE.  Too many hurt people walk the streets spreading their infectious disease of hurt feelings (amongst other things) when they should be at home on bed-rest.

Some of us will run into the arms of someone else in the hopes that things will get better mentally and physically for us, but unfortunately nothing really changes (but a face, a name and an address.) Even worse, sometimes we only find ourselves jumping from hot water into a frying pan.  It is best for us to just settle down and think about what we need to do to find sincere happiness--it may not be meant for some of us to ever have a partner and we must learn to accept that--not everyone was meant to be in a relationship (read books about people who are happy being single.) 

Whatever we discover about ourselves after such a hurtful experience like being cheated on, we should remember not to repeat the same behavior on someone else.

Nicholl McGuire